Chapter 10

Dealing Positively with Perfectionism

In This Chapter

arrow Seeing the difference between high achievers and perfectionists

arrow Checking out the characteristics of high achievers

arrow Setting attainable goals

arrow Being more flexible at work and in your relationships

arrow Transforming your perfectionist tendencies

Perfectionism can harm you in oh so many ways. We’re glad to tell you in this chapter exactly how to remedy any perfectionist tendencies you may have.

It’s important to realize that perfectionism is really a misconception, something that isn’t actually true. It’s true only as long as you believe it’s true and you hold tightly to perfectionist attributes. Once you see the harm these concepts are creating in your life, it’s time to let go and create a new way of living, free from the anxieties, rigidity, and problems that perfectionist characteristics bring with them.

This chapter details how you can strive to do the best you can while letting go of the dictates of perfectionism. When you do this, you’ll become more flexible in how you approach tasks to be done as well as in your relationships. We also show you how to make needed alterations so that you can think, feel, and act in a healthier, nonperfectionist manner.

Being a High Achiever Instead of Being Perfect

If you’re a perfectionist, you’re probably thinking that if you let go of these attributes completely, you’ll do terrible work and lose whatever determination or discipline you have. However, now that you know that perfectionism serves no positive purpose and can actually damage your performance, you can commit yourself to making changes step by step. In this way, you can make speedy progress.

tip.eps The first step onto a more beneficial path is to understand the difference between being a high achiever and devoting yourself to being perfect. They’re similar in some ways but different enough that the first is healthy and the second is not.

When you work at being a high achiever, you push yourself to do your very best, but you don’t try to be perfect or put yourself down if your work isn’t faultless. And you’re not anxious that something isn’t just right or that your best isn’t good enough. If it goes well, fine; if it doesn’t go well, you’ll work with it to make it better.

If you make mistakes, you don’t beat yourself up about them. Rather, you understand that making mistakes actually helps you learn. You realize that errors help you see where you need to make adjustments until you no longer make those mistakes. So you analyze them to see what you did incorrectly, strive not to duplicate those same mistakes in the future, and keep on going.

Perfectionists tend to worry that they haven’t done well enough even when things go well. As a high achiever, when you see you’ve done some things well, you pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit for doing a good job in those areas. You’re pleased with your accomplishments. You recognize that you’re improving as you do well more often and make fewer errors.

anecdote.eps From a very early age, I (coauthor Vivian) have been a singer. The first time I remember singing was for the Mothers Club that my mother belonged to in my hometown. I was only 4 years old, and I gave it my all. I am blessed with a beautiful singing voice, and I’ve sung ever since then. A few years ago, I was going to give an afternoon workshop at a church, so I was invited to give a short talk and sing a song during the church service. I was in the middle of the song when my voice totally broke, and I stopped singing. Instead of being mortified, I said, “Well, it happens to the best of us!” and smiled, and then I continued singing until the very end of that song. The people in the church gave me thundering applause because they knew I had made a mistake but had kept right on going and gave a beautiful performance.

Table 10-1 lists some areas in which you can compare being a high achiever to being a perfectionist.

Table 10-1 High Achievers versus Perfectionists

Being a High Achiever

Being a Perfectionist

You research material for your project, give it your best effort, complete it in a timely fashion, and feel good about what you prepared.

You research material for your project, work on it until it’s perfect, check it over several times, turn it in late, and worry that it’s not good enough.

You delegate work to your coworkers who have expertise and who you feel will do a very good job.

You keep all your work to yourself because you can’t trust anybody, and then you feel overwhelmed because you can’t get everything done on time.

You acknowledge your achievements and feel proud of yourself for accomplishing them.

Although you’ve achieved many things, you can’t feel satisfaction because your work is never absolutely perfect.

When you make mistakes in your work, you appreciate them because you learn from them. You evaluate what happened and think about how to avoid having this happen again.

When you make mistakes, you’re terribly ashamed, and you try to cover them up so no one knows you made them.

You’re excited to undertake new things and learn new skills because you know your value in the workplace will improve.

You know there’s a big learning curve when you learn something new and that mistakes are common, so you avoid putting yourself in that position.

Recognizing the Positive Qualities of Doing the Best You Can

People who strive for high achievement exhibit many positive qualities. Which of these do you feel describe you? Which of these can you enhance in your life? High achievers

  • Are prepared to put effort into anything they do
  • Are enthusiastic about their work
  • Take responsibility for what they’ve been assigned to do or have volunteered to do
  • Pay close attention to details
  • Feel their work is important and significant
  • Manage their time and space well
  • Take pride in their achievements
  • Learn from their errors and fairly easily bounce back from challenges and disappointments
  • Make sure tasks are completed and on time
  • Evaluate whether criticism is warranted, and if so, learn from it

exercise.eps Write this list in your notebook and look at it often. Mark which ones already describe you, and identify ways you can improve on the ones that don’t describe you now in your efforts to strive for excellence.

Letting Go of Impractical Expectations

Perfectionists are strongly attached to impractical, impossible, and unreachable goals they set for themselves. To counteract this, consider changing the way you relate to goals and expectations.

  • Set realistic and sensible goals based on what you’ve accomplished in the past with high standards that are reachable with effort.
  • As you attain a goal, set your next goal only one level beyond the one you’ve already achieved.
  • Focus on the process of achieving the goal as well as the end result. Recognize that the process is the longest period in achieving your goal, and do your best to get pleasure from it too. Include in your analysis of how successful you were whether and how much you enjoyed the process of reaching your goal.
  • Identify the goals that are a high priority to you and those that are less important. Give more effort to the high-priority goals and less effort to those that are less significant to you.
  • Be happy with any steps that are made in the right direction of your goals.
  • Choose an activity that is not crucial in your life. Deliberately give only 90 percent effort into accomplishing it and feel what that’s like. Then give 80 percent and 70 percent until you get familiar with not trying to be perfect at this activity.

Increasing Your Flexibility

Being flexible in work and relationships is a sign of a high achiever. While perfectionists are rigid and unbending in their work and how they interact with others, high achievers are more open and accommodating.

Being more flexible at work

anecdote.eps Ralph never offered suggestions during brainstorming sessions at team meetings. He felt that his team members might not like his suggestions, and he thought they would probably make fun of him. He knew that he needed to make some changes to become less of a perfectionist. In starting to be flexible, Ralph realized that brainstorming sessions are deliberately designed for team members to consider initial ideas, talk about their pros and cons, and decide which ideas are the best. So he began to give his input with ideas he thought would work, and he was pleasantly surprised that his teammates liked many of them.

Here are some useful ideas for increasing your flexibility at work:

  • Break your goals down into bite-sized tasks.
  • Assess whether each task makes a big difference in the entire project. Give higher priority to those tasks that have the greatest effect.
  • Make a plan to achieve each one of the tasks.
  • Create time limits for each small task and set an alarm. If a task is taking too much time, ask whether it’s a high priority. If not, put it farther down on your to-do list.
  • Take regular breaks at work to stretch and walk around. You can also do some deep breathing to help you relax.
  • Check your work thoroughly only once and then deliver it to the appropriate person.
  • Stop worrying about things that are not within your control.
  • Be open to gaining new skills, trying new tasks, and being on new teams.
  • Use affirmations to say positive things to yourself about yourself and your abilities.
  • Approach your work with confidence, enjoyment, and a desire to improve.

Being flexible in your relationships

Perfectionists are generally not very good at relationships. Just as they try their best to be flawless themselves, they expect everyone else in their lives to be flawless. This is an impossible goal and one that is very frustrating to people with perfectionist tendencies (and the people in their lives).

As you’re making changes to stop trying to be so perfect, you also need to pay attention to the way you interact with others.

Here are some suggestions for being more flexible in your relationships with people you work with and people you’re close to:

  • Have faith in your coworkers’ abilities and delegate some of your work to them, if appropriate. Exhibit trust and respect for them. If a coworker has difficulty doing a task you delegate, give her guidance instead of taking over the task yourself.
  • Have consideration for your coworkers. If they make a mistake, speak to them respectfully.
  • Deal with criticism in a positive manner. If it’s feedback based on actual knowledge, appreciate it and do something about it. If someone’s opinion is negative and not based on fact, tell him calmly and nicely that you have listened to what he had to say, have considered it, and don’t accept it, but that you respect what he thinks. Then ignore anything else he says.
  • Give your personal relationships the time and attention they deserve. Make sure you don’t sacrifice your social life for work.
  • Allow other people to be who they are without criticizing or correcting them. Learn to appreciate their individual traits.

Retraining Your Perfectionist Tendencies

Perfectionism manifests itself in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. As you recognize that perfectionism permeates your entire personality and that transformation is desirable, you need to concentrate on each of these areas to have the most effective outcome.

Making changes in these three different areas will give you many rewards — your work will be more productive, you’ll see better results in the things you undertake, you’ll have more satisfaction in your life, and your relationships will be closer and warmer.

How you think

As a high achiever, it’s time to treat yourself with the respect you deserve. Realize that you are an individual with abilities and talents and that you are fine just the way you are.

remember.eps Don’t allow your negative self-talk to bully you! It’s better to have an honest discussion with your inner critic, listen to what she has to say, and respond honestly to her point of view. You need to get beyond the cruel and unforgiving accusations and concentrate instead on constructive problem-solving. You also need to insist that your inner critic be a positive, respectful voice that is trying to help you and not hurt you.

Check out the nearby sidebar, “Having a conversation with your perfectionist inner critic,” to see an example of what such a conversation sounds like.

It’s important to replace self-critical and perfectionist thoughts with more realistic and helpful statements to and about yourself. These statements will be most effective if you practice them regularly to crowd out those you don’t want anymore.

Try these examples of positive, more accurate statements:

  • “Not one single person is perfect.”
  • “My best is good enough.”
  • “Everyone makes mistakes. It means I’m human like everyone else. I’m learning from my mistakes and doing my best not to repeat them.”
  • “Words like ‘should,’ ‘shouldn’t,’ and ‘not good enough’ make me feel guilty. I see these as irrational and destructive words that do me harm. I’m eliminating them from my thoughts now.”
  • “I’m an imperfect person who cannot always be the ideal and have no faults. I’m doing my best and working hard to be excellent, realizing that perfection is impossible.”

tip.eps To have a healthier perspective, think about how others might see your situation. For example, if you’re working nights and weekends on a report that you know others would be able to finish much more quickly during the workday, ask yourself how your coworkers would look at this situation. Also, if a close friend of yours were exhibiting this behavior, how would you advise your friend?

How you feel

Feeling anxious, fearful, embarrassed, angry, ashamed, and disgusted with themselves are the hallmarks of perfectionists. As you can readily see, these feelings not only lead to misery, but they certainly can’t be physically healthy either.

tip.eps As a high achiever, you set achievable goals for yourself, viewing yourself with an abundant amount of empathy and understanding. You compassionately see that perfectionist thoughts and feelings are figments of your imagination and are better able to grasp the realities about yourself and your work.

You also feel respect for yourself and appreciate your talents and skills. You know you can’t do everything perfectly, but you celebrate what you can do well.

Don’t say: “There’s no way I’m going to be prepared for that talk I have to give on Thursday! Why in the world did I ever tell my boss I’d make that presentation about recycling opportunities? I’m such a bad employee! I’m going to make her look bad too! I better just tell her I’m too overwhelmed and bow out now so she can get someone else.”

tip.eps Rather, have compassion and understanding for yourself and say: “I need to cool down and have a rational talk with myself. I know I’m not prepared for the talk, but I have two hours this afternoon to prepare and some time tomorrow too. I’m a very smart person, and I just have to do a little research to get the information I need. Let’s see — first, I’ll search three other cities and see how they deal with recycling by businesses. Next, I’ll create a matrix of pros and cons of our business recycling. Once I do that, I’ll be able to analyze what will work and what won’t. I think I’ll call the City Recycling Office too in order to get their input. Actually, this won’t be as hard as I thought it would be.”

In addition, think of yourself as your own loving parent or wise teacher. Use the language you think those people would use with you. View yourself with care and understanding.

How you act

As a high achiever, you act with confidence and poise. You accept responsibility for your actions. You take pride in at least trying to accomplish things. You’re a very productive person.

You know you are capable of meeting life’s challenges. In fact, you look forward to challenges because you know you have the skills to overcome any obstacles.

You associate with positive people, and you’re in the process of becoming more positive and appreciative of others at the same time.

You focus on your past successes and are highly motivated to succeed. You now have the right attitude to succeed and you know you can.

You are in charge of your life. If things are not the way you want them to be, you ask yourself what you can do to tap into your creative side to alter what needs to be changed. You discover what can be done and make the necessary modifications.

Being willing to make the changes that are required is very important. This is the bridge between recognizing you have an issue with perfectionism and attempting to transform it. You also need to be willing to step back from yourself and observe your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

While willingness gets you started on the road to change, having a desire to change motivates you to change. When the going gets tough — when you want to revert back to your old, familiar, perfectionist self — your desire to keep going is what will carry you onward.

You create and attain goals in your life. As you do this, you take command of your life and control more of what happens to you.

You keep a constant focus on making the needed changes and make them a priority in your life. By doing this, you make them actually happen. You think about the new, more confident person you’re becoming when you wake up, as you go throughout your day, as you evaluate what happens during the day, and as the last thing you think about at night.

You’re happy and sure of yourself, and you have a passion for life.

exercise.eps In your notebook, write down each perfectionist tendency you want to transform. Next to it, write what to transform it into and when you will begin. Keep a log of how these changes are progressing, what victories you experience, which tendencies are more difficult to deal with, and suggestions for handling them in a healthier manner. After you’ve made these changes in your thoughts, feelings, and actions, you’ll have a much more relaxed and even-tempered nature and greater inner peace. You’ll be able to say that “almost perfect” is still a job very well done. You’ll have a higher regard for yourself, and you’ll be able to take much more pleasure in your work, your life, your relationships, and yourself.