Chapter 16

Getting Beyond Loving Love

In This Chapter

arrow Grasping the reality of love

arrow Approaching dating the right way

arrow Building a love relationship that lasts

We bet you’ve had that tingling sensation. The feeling that something magical is happening between you and another person. You look in his eyes and you see yourself — a part of you that you’ve never seen before. You want to capture that person, that feeling, again and again.

Falling in love makes you feel amazing. The intensity of your happiness and excitement changes how you walk, talk, and think. One thought chases another as you become consumed with the idea that your future is lining up just the way you thought it would.

But wait. Is it true? Is it real? Will it last?

In this chapter, we explore the possibilities of love. What is love? Why does love seem to create pleasure and cause pain? How can you best prepare for love? Where can you find love that lasts forever?

Breaking Through the Fantasy of Love

You’ve seen love come and go. Bitter endings, harsh realities of forsaken truths, and scattered dreams of an ideal future. Nothing comes easier than falling in love, but nothing hurts more than facing the heartbreak of its unexpected disappearance.

Is it love that is causing you to suffer? Or has the fantasy of staged love stories and melodramatic songs carried you away on a cloud of despair?

Are you causing love to flow through you, instead of remaining with you? Love doesn’t hurt, but the truth does when you’re not ready to receive it.

Understanding what love is

What do you mean when you say to a person, “I love you”? Are you expressing your intense desire for that person? Are you telling him you want the best for him? Are you expressing an indescribable feeling that is flowing through you? Does it depend on who you are talking to?

While writing this chapter, I (coauthor S. Renee) decided to take a mini poll on the question: What is love? The answers were as varied as the 50-plus people who responded via social media and telephone interviews. Is love so simple that it’s hard to explain?

From my mini research and lengthy meditation on love, I got this: There is only one form of love. Love is a deep, intimate closeness that gives tender care and respect.

Love expresses itself based on the level of intimacy created between two people. Intimacy is created over time by communicating and sharing secrets and aspects of yourself according to the level of trust between you and the other person. The foundation of trust is the integrity of each person’s word and the care with which the two handle each other’s thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions, and secrets.

Appreciating what love should look and feel like

The latest lingo used to describe a love relationship in limbo is “complicated.” Any and every type of relationship — romantic, parent to child, friend to friend — gets off course when respect, safety, and unconditional acceptance are nonexistent or have faded as a result of violated trust.

Because love is a deep, intimate closeness that gives tender care and respect, it creates a safe place for you and your loved one to live in unconditional acceptance. This is what we call love space.

What kind of love space do you create for those you love? What kind of love space do the people you love create for you?

Answer these questions to help you determine whether your love space is healthy:

  • Are you affirmed, encouraged, and treated kindly? Do you offer the same care?
  • When you communicate, are your words and emotions heard patiently? Do you fully hear what the other person is saying?
  • Are anger and disappointment expressed without name-calling and degrading comments? Do you provide the same level of respect?
  • Are you ever hit, punched, or pushed for any reason? Do you refrain from doing the same?
  • Without comparisons or bringing up past issues, are you gently and lovingly told the truth? Do you offer the same?
  • Do you feel free and totally relaxed being around the person? Do you provide the same level of comfort?
  • Are you a better person because the other person is in your life?

Preparing yourself for love

You may have heard the saying: “You attract to you what’s in you.” To test this truth, take a moment to think about your past and present relationships objectively. If you’re honest, you’ll see the behavior of those you’ve allowed to get closest to you mirroring your behavior toward others and the secret messages you tell yourself about yourself. Your secret messages are what we call personal truths. These truths tell you how you should see the world and yourself in it.

tip.eps What others say — good or bad — doesn’t matter. The only truths are the conscious and unconscious truths you tell yourself.

Your struggle with love is a struggle with yourself. To best prepare yourself to experience authentic love, you have to change the relationship you have with yourself first. Taking great care of yourself by protecting yourself from unnecessary hurt teaches you that you can trust yourself with your own life.

Here are five steps to help you prepare for love:

  1. Examine your view of love.

    If it’s rooted in fantasy, paint a different picture.

  2. Assess whether you react or respond to people.

    If you react often, there’s a good chance you haven’t forgiven yourself or someone else for a past hurt. Forgiveness is an absolute requirement for you to express love to others.

    Here’s a suggestion for how to forgive. Think about the person who hurt you and where she was in her life at the time of the offense. Consider all that she’s been through in her life. Try putting yourself in her position. Ask yourself: “If I went through what she went through, might I possibly do the same thing?”

    remember.eps Sometimes people’s pain rules their heart — forgive them.

  3. Give yourself and others permission to make mistakes and grow.

    You’re going to make mistakes — sometimes disappointing yourself. People you love are going to make mistakes — sometimes hurting you. Holding yourself and them to an impossible standard of exactness is going to drive you and them crazy. Give yourself and those you love the opportunity to grow and discover a new truth.

  4. Care enough not to want to hurt yourself and others.

    There will be moments when you’ll feel like you’ve done all you can, and you’ll shrug your shoulders and say, “I don’t care anymore.” Those who love authentically never stop caring and never want to see the one they love in pain.

  5. Understand that love doesn’t stop when the relationship does.

    Love builds; hate destroys. Love and hate cannot reside in the same place. Preparing for love demands your understanding that whether it comes, goes, or stays around, it’s still love.

Identifying what you want in a romantic love relationship

What you need from a love relationship is different from that of anyone else on the planet. Your unique needs are directly connected to what you did or didn’t get in relationships over the course of your life. And although you can learn to fulfill many of your own needs through increased self-esteem, love calls for you no matter how confident you are. You were meant to love and be loved.

Before you answer the call, know what’s important to you in a romantic relationship. Here are ten questions to get you started:

  • What is your most favorable physique?
  • What facial features are most important to you?
  • What lifestyle choices are essential for you?
  • What personality traits are extremely appealing to you?
  • What past choices are you comfortable with accepting? For example, are divorce, children, same-sex relationships, or sexual lifestyle choices okay with you?
  • What age or age range best suits you?
  • Is race significant?
  • Is religious background critical?
  • Does educational achievement matter?
  • Is financial success relevant?

Defining the terms of your ideal love relationship

If you’re willing to do the work to heal your life and be patient with the process, you can have the love relationship you want. The challenge is this: being certain that what you proclaim you want really is your heart’s desire and your core need.

All things in the universe are in constant motion. As a result, you’re continuously changing. At times you make leaps and at other times you barely notice a change. As you age, your physical, mental, and emotional states become different through the maturation process.

Although you change, your core needs remain the same. Your core emotional needs are safety, love, acceptance, appreciation, and intimacy. As you mature, your needs in terms of how these emotions are expressed toward you and how you express them toward others changes, but these core needs never leave you.

You have other needs that are unique to you. For instance, you may have the need for affirmation. Words may comfort you and make you feel supported. On the other hand, your friend may need your presence because seeing your face may provide the positive reinforcement that he needs to feel grounded and connected.

It’s important to stay connected with yourself enough to know what your needs are and how you desire to express them and have them expressed to you.

tip.eps What and who can meet your needs before you heal your life are different from what and who can meet your needs after you heal — unless you and the other person grow together. A healthy connection requires you to be what you’re looking for.

exercise.eps Here’s an exercise that can help you define your ideal love relationship by getting in touch with your core yearnings, which are encoded in your personality. Past relationships can help identify clues and decode the mystery of your unique core needs. Relationships dissolve when needs aren’t mutually met. These experiences can help you create your best love space yet.

  1. Reflect on your past relationships.

    List what you liked most about each person you dated. If someone comes to mind and you ask yourself, “What was I thinking?” don’t give it another thought. Go to the next person. Choose the top ten qualities that made the love space satisfying. Narrow down your list to the top three to five qualities.

  2. Think about your unmet needs in each relationship.

    Make a list of the top five unmet needs that were essential to your well-being in the relationship.

You now have an accurate list of your core needs and desires for a love relationship.

Discovering How to Date Successfully

When you apply for a job, you’re interviewed by the prospective employer before you’re hired. This process is set up to help the organization understand who you are, how you think, and the value you bring to the relationship. Hiring, training, and developing a new employee only to discontinue the relationship before the new hire’s work performance can yield a profit is costly.

During the interview, you’re asked a series of questions to see whether your responses are genuine and warrant introducing you to the leadership team — and ultimately hiring you. The organization is contemplating its needs and your skills. The interviewer is considering the company’s culture and your personality. He’s examining the company’s values and your attitude.

Once you’re hired, there’s a probationary period. If you don’t perform according to the anticipated results, depending on your strengths the company will either cut its losses or seek to develop your weaknesses.

tip.eps If you don’t want to waste your time and become frustrated by the dating process, you need to have a “job description.” It should answer the question: “What does it take to love me?” Do not show it to potential candidates.

exercise.eps Before jumping into the dating pool, consider the following questions to help you put together a “job description” for your ideal candidate. When you’ve completed this exercise you’ll have a profile of your mate, which will help guide your thinking as you meet people.

  • What do I expect a companion to do for me?
  • What activities do I enjoy that I want my companion to enjoy with me?
  • What skills are needed to love me?
  • What type of person would best fit the cultures that I live and work in?
  • What values best align with my values?
  • What personality type best fits my personality?
  • What is my companion’s general attitude toward life and love?
  • How will I be able to tell if a person is not for me?
  • How will I be able to tell if a person is for me?

Dating with confidence

To date with confidence you have to know what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and what results you expect. If you’re beyond “hanging out” and are looking instead for a serious commitment, you have to be thoughtful and purposeful as you meet people.

Before going on a date, establish your intention. State what you want to get out of the date. You may be looking for information, a deeper connection, a fun time, or all three. Whatever you decide, be clear.

You’re getting to know the person; stay alert. Don’t be taken in by the excitement and newness of the relationship. If something feels uncomfortable, don’t ignore it. We advise you to stay away from trying to change a person. You’re looking for the right mate. You’re not trying to create one.

remember.eps Depending on how and whom you decide to date, you can meet people from around the world. They’ll be from different backgrounds and have different beliefs and associations. Their agendas will be varied. You may even be invited to participate in activities that violate your values. This level of exposure needs to be handled with care and confidence.

At times you’ll think you and the person you’re with have chemistry. You may date for a while and think everything is going in the right direction. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, bam! — the person tells you he wants out. This scenario can be emotionally painful and devastating to your self-esteem.

You question yourself. You ask, “Where did I go wrong? Why aren’t I loveable? Did I talk too much? Did I not talk enough? Am I attractive enough? Am I successful enough? Am I too fat? Am I too skinny? The questions don’t stop. And neither do the play-by-play run-throughs of your time together.

Before long, you’re criticizing and blaming yourself for everything you did during the course of the relationship. This mode of resolving hurt feelings is guaranteed to strip you of your confidence.

Attract the love you are worthy of. Complete the following exercise to get off the injury list and back into the game.

exercise.eps Follow these steps to understand and reconnect with yourself, so that you can regain your confidence while dating:

  1. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Offer yourself love.

    If you begin to cry, support yourself. Say, “You’re okay. I’ve got you.” Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and respond accordingly. You can wrap your arms around yourself. You can talk to yourself as though you are another person. This time is for you to love yourself in all your hurt, missteps, missed messages, and whatever else you may be feeling.

  2. Think about the relationship from your perspective only.

    You have no idea what the other person is thinking. Who cares, anyway? He’s gone. Ask, “What did I see that I didn’t pay attention to?” Write it down. It’ll be easy to say, “I didn’t notice anything,” and get agreement from your friends, but that won’t do you any good. There’s always a sign, and there’s always an excuse to ignore the sign.

  3. After you’ve identified the sign, state what you wanted from the relationship that superseded your willingness to acknowledge the truth.

    Once you recognize it, you’ll be able to deal with the pain spot.

  4. Ask yourself, “What’s driving my pain?”
  5. Identify ways to heal your pain.

    For example, if your pain is a lack of faith that you’ll one day find someone to love you, the issue is misplaced beliefs and a lack of clarity about the penalty of settling for less than what you want. Write down what you believe. Next, write the truth about what you believe. Finally, list how you’ll feel if you choose someone who doesn’t meet your needs.

    Now that you’ve accepted responsibility and learned the lesson that showed up for you, you’re ready to get back into the game.

Enjoying the process of dating

Earlier in this section we talk a lot about the business aspect of dating. We encourage you to have your game face on and be ready to interview potential candidates. What’s principal is that you enjoy the thrill of meeting diverse people. Have fun learning about who they are and what they want out of life. Be open to being inspired as you listen to them share their accomplishments with you.

You’ll have moments that’ll make you laugh. You’ll have times that will shock, surprise, and even frustrate you. Either way, enjoy the journey. You’ll discover far more about yourself than you will about others.

Discovering your best dating system

There are numerous ways to meet the person whose eyes you want to spend countless hours gazing into under the stars in the moonlight. You can use all or a combination of any of the systems outlined in the following sections.

Here are a few quick tips to use regardless of the dating system you choose:

  • Trust your intuition.
  • Interview potential companions thoroughly.
  • Seek the opinions of those closest to you.
  • Build the relationship slowly and steadily.
  • Let the person’s behavior confirm all the wonderful things she says about herself; don’t take words at face value.

The following sections discuss some useable dating systems and note some challenges each method may entail.

Getting a referral from a friend or family member

This is a great way to meet someone. You and the person come highly recommended, and most often the mutual friend will introduce you. Although you can be a bit more relaxed, the interviewing process should always remain intact, regardless of how you meet.

Possible challenges: You may willingly offer your trust to a person you know nothing about. You may fail to be fully objective and in touch with your own needs because you’ve been told the other person is great, and you don’t want to miss out. Both parties may make the assumption that it’s “meant to be” because of the role the mutual friend plays and how they’ve been introduced.

Encountering someone in a public place

People are everywhere. You can meet them at the post office, church, the grocery store, the shopping mall, events — the list goes on. If you have time, talk to the person you meet to get a sense of who he is. Ask questions and listen attentively for his answer. The more you get the person talking about himself, the more you’ll discover about who he really is. If you exchange names and numbers, give your cellphone number, because it’s harder to track than a home telephone number. Avoid sharing your last name until you find out more about the person.

Possible challenges: The way people present themselves in public may not be how they present themselves in private. To get a quick feel for their mannerisms instead of rushing to pick up the phone when they call, let them leave a message. You may be surprised by how quickly they become comfortable. Listen for what they say and how they say it. If they begin a conversation with you via text, you’ll have to decide whether that’s acceptable.

Dating via the Internet

This is the fastest-growing platform for meeting people and developing love relationships. Despite all the sensational love stories touted by the industry, don’t be anxious when interacting with people online. Use the system properly to protect yourself.

warning.eps Avoid sharing your name or any other personal contact information until you establish a history with the person. If someone insists, end communication. Respecting you and your wishes is the first order of business. Once you share your name, it’s easy for a person to find you, especially if you’re on social media.

Possible challenges: Photos may not reflect the person you’re speaking to. It takes longer to uncover whether the people you meet are who they say they are.

Breaking through feelings of being judged

You may feel nervous when you go on a date because you know the person you’re with is judging you. He’s looking at your appearance, mannerisms, body language, facial expressions, and verbal communication. It’s natural to want to impress your date. But we want to impress upon you to be yourself. Nothing is more stunning and sexier than an authentic, confident person — a person who can stand in his own truth and power without being full of himself.

If the person decides you’re not the one, don’t take it personally. In most cases, it has more to do with him than the brilliance he sees or can’t see in you.

Building a Lasting Relationship

Relationships are built on trust and destroyed by lies: lies that you tell yourself and others and, of course, the lies that others tell you. It is paramount that you know and live your truth as you know it. And as your truth changes, you have to be willing to courageously embrace it.

Before you jump in with both feet, give the relationship the time it needs to grow. A lasting relationship needs clear expectations, met needs, and consistency. These qualities create the safety and confidence you and your partner will need for longevity.

We encourage you to be yourself, enjoy the journey, and listen closely as your heart speaks to you.

Liberating yourself from the need to please

When two people come together and sense a genuine connection, each person is attempting to embrace and understand what is being or can be created between them. At the beginning of a relationship, you can easily fall into the trap of trying to please the other person instead of showing her your unique interests and sharing your desires. This approach has no permanency.

Healthy relationships require your full participation. It’s essential that you give your opinion when you have one. Others can’t read your mind nor should you expect them to. Give yourself a voice in the beginning, and it won’t be hard to find it later in the relationship.

If you need further development in this area, read Chapter 8 to learn how to use “I” statements to more assertively express yourself.

Celebrating differences

The world is often viewed in absolutes — black or white, right or wrong, good or bad, left or right. But when you’re open to possibilities, you realize that the answer isn’t always found on one side or another — sometimes you have to dig around in the middle. By doing so, you expand your thinking and invite others to do the same.

The world has become as diverse as it has ever been. Learning to walk away from judgment and toward the celebration of all people and their uniqueness serves you well in and outside your relationship.

As you and your new romantic interest build the foundation of your relationship — trust, safety, and integrity provide the entrance for intimacy and love to develop. If you don’t know how to hear, acknowledge, and celebrate your mate, feelings of uncertainty can arise, causing him to feel unappreciated.

Celebration of your differences is simply acknowledging that both of you are necessary ingredients to creating love.

Protecting yourself

Just as you can’t put a roof on a house before it has a foundation, you can’t put love ahead of trust — don’t be too eager. While you’re exploring similar interests, childhoods, and past experiences and “hanging out,” guard your heart. Your heart is the shelter for all your emotions. It’s your sacred place of well-being. Before you invite someone into your safe haven, that person must prove to be credible, honorable, fair, and pure in intentions.

Here are some suggestions on how to guard your heart:

  • Don’t share information you don’t want repeated until you know the person you’re considering sharing that info with is honorable.
  • Build intimacy through communication before having a sexual encounter.
  • Before committing, watch the person’s behavior toward you closely for an extended period of time. We recommend a minimum of 60 to 90 days.
  • Observe how that person interacts with family and friends.
  • Listen closely for excuses or explanations for unbecoming behavior. Don’t tell the other person how he should behave. It’s up to you to decide whether the offensive behavior is acceptable under the circumstances. If not, move on. Don’t continue in the relationship with hopes of changing the behavior.
  • Compare the person’s actions to what you’re seeking in a love partner. Don’t linger if those actions don’t meet the minimum criteria.
  • Don’t lower your standards to accommodate an unqualified candidate.

Choosing a mate

There are as many paths to choosing a mate as there are people who will read this book. Building your self-esteem is learning to trust yourself with your life. You have to decide for yourself the criteria you’ll use to select a mate.

warning.eps This is what we know for sure: If you’re silently thinking about all the things you’d like to change about the person, you have the wrong individual.

We suggest you identify your core needs, decide on your desires, and get clear on what you want from a relationship and mate. In addition, we recommend that you look for commonality — someone you respect and who keeps you intellectually stimulated. Consider someone you can believe in, perhaps a close friend. Our best advice is to choose someone who loves you and who you love so deeply that you never want to see him hurt.

Here are some questions for you and your potential mate to discuss:

  • How often should we visit in-laws?
  • How should we divide house and yard chores?
  • Do we want to have children (or more children)?
  • How should children be raised and disciplined?
  • How will we handle finances?
  • How will we interact with our friends?
  • Where will we live?
  • Is staying at home rather than being employed an option for either person?
  • What are our standards for organization?
  • Do we share the same spiritual practice?

Sharing your life

Deciding to share your life with another person is a pivotal decision for both of you. We believe you’ve given great thought to this decision. You may even have a list of what you believe you’re saying yes to.

Here’s our list of what it means to say, “Yes, I love you. I want to share my life with you”:

  • I will honestly share with you what’s on my mind.
  • I will directly ask for what I want and need from you.
  • I will gladly believe that you have my best interest at heart.
  • I will dismiss anyone who intrudes in our relationship.
  • I will carefully choose my battles and let the insignificant ones go.
  • I will be a partner who supports you in your life pursuits.
  • I will quickly forgive you.
  • I will openly share with you all that I have and all of who I am.
  • I will eagerly celebrate your strengths and carefully help you develop your weaknesses.

Finding love that lasts forever begins with loving and understanding yourself. It may sound like a cliché to say that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, but it’s true. If a friend asks you for a nickel and you don’t have it, you can’t give it to her. When you enter into a relationship, you’re not the only one asking to be loved; the other person is too.

Give yourself deep, intimate closeness that provides tender care and respect and you’ll attract to you someone who’ll give you the same. When you meet at that intersection, it’ll really be two people coming together as one.