Your Body Knows the Answer

AS OUTLINED in the Mindful Focusing protocol, we have now covered all the fundamental steps of Mindful Focusing. I want to emphasize that these steps do not constitute a fixed formula for how the practice should always be done. They have been presented as a road map into new territory, a basic skill set for a different way of working with the manifold challenges all of us face. In part 2, “Living Life Forward,” we will look at how to apply these skills in specific contexts of daily life such as relationships, work, learning, and creative process. As you gain mastery of the basics and apply them to the material of your own life, you will find what works best for you and develop refinements and new steps not covered here.

To complete the presentation of the basic method of Mindful Focusing, there are two additional important topics that are not so much specific steps in the technique as they are recurring themes: self-empathy and the inner critic.

Self-empathy is a particular application of empathy, the intention or attitude that underlies both friendly attending and empathic inquiry. In friendly attending, we bring a gentle, caring attitude to whatever arises in our felt sense, especially the difficult places that come with uncomfortable feelings like fear, anger, shame, guilt, and so on. Self-empathy means bringing that same attitude to oneself as the person who is undergoing these difficult feelings. This is like the difference between feeling empathy for someone who is sick and feeling empathy for ourselves when we take on the burden of caring for a sick person. It is having the wisdom to acknowledge the impact that caring for a sick friend or family member is having on us and figuring out how to take care of ourselves as part of helping the other person.

Think of something about yourself that you wish were different, such as having too much work, not having enough income, loneliness, interpersonal conflict, procrastination, a disturbing memory, addictive behavior, a health concern, fits of anger, or periods of depression.

Begin by thinking about the issue in the usual way and notice how that makes you feel. Then imagine for a moment that you are standing outside your own body, looking at yourself as if at another person holding those same thoughts and feelings. Feel empathy for that person and their difficulties.

Now bring the person close and embrace them, offering them care and comfort. The compassionate you is embracing the suffering you. This is self-empathy.

Self-empathy is not feeling sorry for oneself. It is feeling compassion for oneself as a human being who suffers or is in difficulty. It is not about making excuses, and, unlike feeling sorry for oneself, it doesn’t undermine efforts to change things for the better. In fact, genuine self-empathy can be the starting point for tackling problems, changing unwanted behaviors, and coping with difficult circumstances that cannot be changed.

Opposed to self-empathy, and often standing in its way, is the inner critic, the part of us that makes negative judgments about ourselves. Often it comes as a voice inside saying, “You’re being stupid,” “I’m not good enough,” “You’re ugly,” “I’ll get in trouble,” “I’m a bad person.” (Mine usually just says, “You idiot!”—often right out loud before I can catch myself.) The inner critic causes us to doubt ourselves, to avoid doing things we want to do, or to feel shame or guilt about things we did do (it is related to Freud’s concept of the superego). Critic attacks can be blatant or subtle. They can shout in your ear (“You idiot!”), or they can be just a whisper from the shadows (“I better be careful” or “I ought to be doing something else right now”).

It is difficult, perhaps impossible, to get rid of the inner critic entirely. Nor would we want to: as judgmental and unfriendly as it can be, it contains its own form of intelligence and is a potential ally if we learn how to make the right relationship with it. The key to responding constructively to the inner critic is to begin by noticing and acknowledging it when it shows up. Usually we feel victimized by the critic’s negativity and either become deflated (“Yeah, I’ll never be able to do it right, so why bother?”) or get into a struggle with it (“No, I’m not being lazy; it’s just that I don’t feel well right now!”). Both of these are reactive and ultimately self-defeating. The key to responding rather than reacting is, first of all, to recognize the inner critic for what it is and get some distance from it. Don’t accept its authoritarian voice at face value. Like the Wizard of Oz, behind its façade of superiority and power, the inner critic is in reality timid and ineffectual. Recognize it as only a particular voice or part or place in you, certainly not all of you, and don’t submit to its pronouncements or try to fight back.

Here are three strategies for dealing with the inner critic: Acknowledge and dismiss. Much of the time this is the simplest way of defusing negative self-judgments. First recognize that the inner critic has appeared on the scene: “Oh, there you are again, always criticizing!” Then, having identified it, dismiss it. You can do the dismissing by simply ignoring it after you’ve recognized it, or by saying something to it like, “I don’t have time for you right now,” “I’m not listening,” “I’m not afraid of you,” or by imagining that you are actually pushing it out of your way.

Acknowledge and reframe. This approach begins in the same way—“Oh, there you are again” (or “there it is again”)—but instead of dismissing the critic out of hand, you take time to see what intelligence its criticism contains. The reframing is to ignore the unsympathetic messenger but consider the source of the message. Perhaps there is an aspect of your situation that isn’t sitting right with you, and the critic’s intervention alerts you to identify what it is and modify your approach.

Acknowledge and befriend.^a This is the most radical option. You won’t have time to do it every time the critic shows up, but when you can, it is possible to turn your seeming enemy into a real ally. Underneath its harsh, judgmental tone, the critic is usually trying to protect you in some way, like a frantic mother screaming at her child: “Get away from that stove, stupid!” The tone is angry or belittling, but its source is the mother’s fierce need to protect her child from harm.

Befriending the critic is like inviting someone you’re in conflict with to take a time-out and talk things through. To do this, you have to suspend your own agenda long enough to really listen to what’s bothering the other person and appreciate how things appear from their perspective.

Here’s how such an exchange with the inner critic might go. Note that the self—your current, grown-up self—listens to exactly what the inner critic says and reflects it back with empathy before going on.

SELF: I hear that you think this might not be such a good idea. What are you worried could happen?

SELF: OK, I hear you. You’re really worried that I’ll make a fool of myself. And could you tell me what you’re afraid would happen then?

IC: (After a pause during which you wait patiently with interested attention) You’d lose your friends.

SELF: Oh, you’re really worried that I might lose all my friends if I make a mistake and make a fool of myself. Yes, I get it, that’s certainly something one would worry about. . . . Can you say what would be the worst thing about losing all my friends? (Though the answer to such a question may seem self-evident, it is important to hear exactly how the critic expresses it.)

IC: You would be left all alone, no one would support you, you’d just shrivel up and die . . . (The inner critic tends to exaggerate. Don’t react; just keep listening and responding sympathetically, as you would with an upset child.)

SELF: Of course, you’re really scared that I might end up abandoned by my friends and feeling all alone. Is that it?

IC: Yes, that’s it. (The inner critic feels heard. With this affirmation from the self, it no longer needs to criticize and be negative. It is ready be on your side. Now’s the time to inquire for the positive energy it has been concealing all along.)

IC: I want [or I want you] to feel liked and respected and supported by other people.

SELF: You want to feel liked, respected, and supported by others. Yes, those are things that I really value and feel good about. (The self receives the positive wanting that has emerged in the dialogue, taking it in and savoring it. The critic has turned into an ally, and the energy it has been holding can now reintegrate with the whole self.)

This example is, of course, somewhat idealized. The critic might have more fears to express before it feels completely heard.

Or it could dig in its heels and refuse to talk at all. Then there is further exploration to do, perhaps at a later date and, in the case of long-standing issues, over the course of many sessions. Remember, you (the self) can’t force the inner critical place to relax. Sometimes the best we can do is “agree to disagree” and move ahead knowing the inner critic isn’t completely assuaged, yet not letting it stand in our way.

Addressing a felt sense or a part as “you,” as if you are talking to another person, works better for some people than others. Because it helps provide a safe distance, it is especially helpful for those who tend to collapse into or become overwhelmed by emotions. For those who are more distant from their emotions to begin with, it may work better to bring the part closer: “There’s a part of me that is feeling afraid of appearing stupid to other people.” If even “a part of me” feels too distant, try to really own the feeling by identifying with it—“I am feeling afraid of . . .”—and then check if this statement rings true to your felt sense. Once you have owned the feeling in this way, you can still recognize that it is not all of you; there are other more positive aspects too.

In the following exercise I suggest some basic steps in befriending the critic. These are intended as guideposts only. Don’t feel constrained by them; trust your own inner process. If you find yourself going off into discursive thinking or fantasy, bring yourself back to how things feel in your body. If the going gets rough, remember that self-empathy is your secret weapon for returning to grounded aware presence whenever you feel menaced by too much fear, anger, confusion, or painful emotions like shame and guilt.

Exercise 9.2 Befriending the Inner Critic

Think of a place or voice in you that is frequently self-critical: “I’m lazy / undisciplined / fat / stupid.” It can be a recurring theme or something triggered by a specific incident. Start with acknowledging: “I’m noticing a part of me [a voice, a place, something in me] that says I’m stupid [unattractive, weak, etc.].” Invite this inner place or voice to be present. Keeping enough distance to feel safe, regard it with respect and appreciation, even if it appears ugly or threatening. Know that your larger self is in charge and can choose to back away or dismiss the critical place if you start to feel panicky or overwhelmed.

As you become comfortable being with this place, help it to get comfortable too: “Yes, I see you there. I’m not trying to get rid of you; I really want to hear what you have to say.” Just be with it, keeping it company for a while. When it feels right, ask it gently what it’s afraid of, what it’s not wanting to have happen. Listen empathically and receive what it has to say, even if you know it is exaggerated or untrue. Reflect it back: “I understand, you’re worried that . . .” Continue this back and forth until the critic, which by now may have become more of a scared, vulnerable place, feels fully heard. Then, ask it what it needs or wants, what would allow it to feel better and relax its vigilance. Again, go back and forth until it feels fully heard and acknowledged. Then you can also ask it, “What are you wanting for me?” Having been recognized and respected, the critic can contribute its positive wanting for you, helping you to acknowledge and embrace suppressed needs for love, recognition, respect, strength, desire, confidence, and so on. End by thanking the innercritic-turned-ally and let whatever positive, fresh insight and energy have come permeate your whole being. Feel filled with it, as you might feel after a nourishing meal.

I want to repeat that the exercise instructions above represent a simplified, ideal version of what you are likely to experience when you first attempt to befriend the critic in yourself. I don’t want to set you up to feel like a failure if you don’t get to that nourishing-meal feeling! Feelings of failure or frustration, by the way, are another occasion for the vital resource of self-empathy. When things aren’t going well, when it feels too hard or too confusing or just plain unproductive, self-empathy is especially called for. We need to learn to soothe ourselves, to say, “You know, this is hard, I’m really struggling here”—as a caring parent might soothe a struggling child.

In the process of listening to and receiving the critic’s fears and wants, you may sometimes need to revisit painful experiences. Because of the ability to center yourself in grounded aware presence and adopt the attitude of friendly attending, you now have the possibility of reexperiencing the painful feelings from a safe distance and with self-empathy. This can be a deeply healing process. Remember, however, that when you are dealing with complex trauma rooted in overwhelming threats to survival or personal integrity, a skilled therapist or counselor is often needed to facilitate the process and guard against retraumatization.

The following exercise is presented as a brief indication of how the skills you are cultivating through Mindful Focusing can be brought to bear in working with difficult past experiences. It is optional. If at any point painful emotions evoked by this exercise threaten to overwhelm you, stop. Don’t go beyond what feels safe for you. By keeping within your present threshold of tolerance, you can become comfortable over time in staying present with more painful or threatening material.

Exercise 9.3 Reexperiencing Painful Feelings

Recall a time, perhaps during childhood, when you experienced hurt, fear, grief, shame, or regret. Let the felt sense of that time come in your body—enough that you experience its discomfort but at a safe distance from which you can also feel self-empathy.

From the larger, compassionate you, feel empathy for the suffering you. You can say to yourself, “That’s a very difficult thing for anyone to experience; I feel real compassion and caring for the one who had to go through that.” Feeling old pain and making a new relationship with it is a way of welcoming an abandoned part back into the family, inviting its locked-up energy to open and contribute to the good of the whole.

When we experience anger, guilt, shame, and other negative emotions, by honestly acknowledging their presence in us but not collapsing into them, we can find compassion for ourselves. Even when we feel alone and without comfort in our own suffering, we can appreciate that this is what other human beings in all times and places have also experienced. Enlarging our sense of compassion to include others’ suffering makes it easier to be friendly to our own.

a. This way of working with the inner critic is based on the pioneering work of Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin in Inner Relationship Focusing.