MY SPEECH TO THE GRADUATES OF THIS FINE INSTITUTION

Hello, young people. Today is a momentous day. Today you are stripping from yourselves the protective husk of “student” and stepping into the harsh, naked, unforgiving fluorescent light of adulthood. I don’t envy you, unless you have a massive penis. If you have a massive penis, this speech is not for you. You can just daydream for the next few minutes. Think about the women you will soon be having sex with in a series of porn films. Do me a favor: can you not look into the camera when you appear in those porn films? In fact, tell the director not to allow the camera to ever show your face. I don’t want to see it. Seeing men’s faces in porn immediately kills my “zest,” if you will. Thanks, sorry about the sidetrack, but it’s important to seize the moment when you have the attention of a potential celebrity.

To the rest of you, who won’t be appearing in porn films—well, maybe some of the women will go into porn, and to you I say: good job, thank you, and I’m sorry—all three at once.

To those who remain, here is my only advice: finish college, don’t take advice from strangers, and enjoy all the porn you “accidentally” see.

G’night Cleveland!