CONTENTS

Preface: One Should Never Read a Book on the Toilet

Beginnings, or, a Beginning, or, How This Book Begins

A Portrait of the Artist

“Didn’t Work for Me”

Her Laughter

An Angel of the Lord

My Education, or, the Education of a Me, or, I Not Dumb

Louvre Audio Tour for Homeowners

Putting It Out There

My Manifesto

I Think I Just Met God

Politician’s Promise

Hitler Dinner Party: A Play

My Speech to the Graduates of This Fine Institution

What I’m Looking for in Another Man

The Phil Spector I Knew

Meaningful Poem

Martin Luther King Jr.’s Worst Speech Ever

Free Speech for All!

A Hazy Christmas Memory

Baseball Players’ Poems about Sportswriters and Sportswriting

The Origin of “Blackbird”

I Misspoke

I Found a Jackson Pollock!

Abs

Shakespeare in the Park

What to Do in Case of Fire

The Second Meeting of Jesus and Lazarus

Actual-Factual New Jesus Facts

So You Want to Get a Tattoo!

A Vision of the Future

Obit for the Creator of Mad Libs

That’s Quite Enough of You, Odenkirk

Other Books by This Author