A Load of Hooey

Everybody knows the story of how Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.

Except you. You forgot. The details. The “deets.” Sheesh. Okay, here goes…

It seems Lazarus, the brother of Mary from Bethany, had fallen sick, deeply sick, in the way people living in the desert at that time did. This was only a short while after Jesus left town—he’d been there “teaching” and being worshipped. Laz’s sister had actually washed Jesus’ feet. Nice. Anyway, Jesus was on his general roving “mission” when his sixth sense got to tingling. He knew he had to return. But get this: by the time he got back, Lazarus had been in the tomb for four days, so he was good and dead. Now, that didn’t stop Jesus, who marched right into the tomb alone and came out with Lazarus right beside him, whistling and winking all the way. Okay, I’m not sure he was whistling and winking, but I’ll bet he felt like doing both. After all, Lazarus had been dead, and now he wasn’t. An “exponential qualitative change,” if ever there was such a thing.

So that’s the nutshell of it all, but hold up—this wasn’t the only time Jesus and Lazarus had a face-to-face. A few months later, they met again. Jesus was outside a temple trying to look inconspicuous, taking a break from messiah-ing, and Lazarus traveled for a day and three nights—one day he was sidetracked due to the heat, and finally he arrived at the J-man’s vicinity and ran right up to him, breathless, to thank him and ask a few questions…

I think it might have gone like this.

[To be read aloud to yourself in the voice of Bob Newhart.]

Jesus! Hey, Jesus! Hi…hey…it’s me.

What do you mean you don’t remember me? You helped me.

No, I’m sure you DO help “a lot of people.” But I think you’ll remember me—I mean, you REALLY helped me.

I’m Lazarus! The dead guy! You made me alive again! Yeah, that Lazarus! Right. Yeah, so…I wanted to say “thank you” and…if you don’t mind, ask a question or two. Yeah? Okay, well. First, in case you’re wondering, I’m fine. Lovin’ life, TCB and all that—I mean, my foot fell asleep last week, and that gave me a scare, but I just shook it around and everything’s fine. (chuckles)

Yeah, my question…well, my question is simply this: am I ever going to die?

I will. I’ll die…again? Wow, you seem pretty sure—you spoke pretty quick there. Sure, I believe you, I just…I guess the follow-up to that, then, would be…where and when and…how will I die…again. [awkward laugh]

You know but won’t say? Yeah, I figured you might have that kind of rule. I guess you’d have everybody badgering you if you didn’t. Fair enough, but, uh…just one more thing, if I DO die again, I mean, WHEN I die a second time, will you be…stopping by to…bring me back from the dead again? Or, was that a onetime deal?

One-time only. Got it.

Are you sure?

“Pretty sure.” Like, how sure? Is there a twenty percent chance that you would raise me up again? Fifteen? No? Ten? Three? Less than three percent? No chance. Okay. Wow. That’s…

No, I understand. I’m not disappointed, per se…I may not want to keep coming back to life, but…what if I ask? I mean, what if I asked you to raise me from the dead, you know, as I’m dying?

Still a no. Wow, you’re pretty committed to this. Okay. I mean—it seems a bit unfair. Just, I already died once, it wasn’t pleasant, now I get to do it again. I’m not complaining, but…

What’s that? If I believe in you I will live forever? So, then I won’t die?

Oh, so you’re saying “figuratively” I will live…in some heaven, somewhere? What’s that like? What happens there?

So it’s sort of a limbo place where everyone sings your praises all day and night? Hmm…yeah, well, no, I get why you think it’s a pretty great place. It sounds…

My dead relatives will all be there? Are you trying to make it sound less attractive? Anyway, thanks again for…you know—that one time, and I guess I’ll see you around, ’kay?

[LAZARUS walks away, thoughtful, but gets only a short way before he turns around and runs up to Jesus with a big grin on his face—]

Hold up a second—I get what you’re doing here! Last time I died I was dead for four days before you raised me up! You wanted me to think it was going to go on forever! Then you popped in and Boom! I’m up! What are you going to do this time? Make me wait five days? Tssss… You’re prankin’ me! You’re hustling my ass!

Oh—you really mean it, you’re NOT going to raise me up again? I don’t believe you, man…I can see your smile—you don’t fool me. Nice one…nice try.

[LAZARUS winks and walks away, nodding his head and grinning. Jesus stares at the ground, shaking his head.]