I MISSPOKE

I’m Rod Blogbert, candidate for Senate, and I approve this message.

Rape is an awful act. The other day, in a TV interview, I misspoke. I used the wrong words—guilty, and pleasure—in the wrong way, and for those words, in the order they came out of my mouth, I apologize. The letters in the words were also at fault for having lined up in such a manner so as to form those wrong words, but since I am going to need those letters to deliver this apology, I’ll go easy on them—this time.

As a candidate running for Senate, I want justice: both for the victims of sexual assault and for myself, for misspeaking. We have both been wronged.

I have a compassionate heart, and right now it hurts—for those victims, as well as for my political career. The mistake I made was in the words my mouth spoke, not in the heart I have. If my heart had its own mouth, it would never have spoken those words in that order.

But, I am sad to say, my mouth is not alone in its dastardly malfeasance. My lips formed many of the consonants I used in my interview, but they could not have done so without the cooperation of my teeth and tongue. Together, this “troublesome trio” conspired to misrepresent the intentions in my heart by forcing my mouth to emit sounds that in turn suggested that rape victims may experience something other than a horrible violation. I’m not certain how much my lungs had to do with all of this. I suspect that neither lung was aware of the scandalous, offensive, utterly retarded purpose that the air they expelled was put in service of during “The Great Misspeak.” Let me say that if I know my lungs, they would never have cooperated were they aware of what lay ahead for the air they were soon to expel through my vocal cords.

This leads me to the big one: where was my brain in all of this? I’ll tell you where it was: nowhere to be found. My heart is in pain because my brain had abstained. Hey, that rhymes. Anyhow, my brain really needs to “show up” for these events where my mouth is talking. I’m thinking of employing a “brain/mouth” rule if you choose me for Senate.

So let me be clear: I do not think that the words rape, guilty, and pleasure belong in the same sentence—or even paragraph. I probably shouldn’t have used the word retarded earlier, either, but I am typing this and my fingers may yet be attempting an overthrow. Oh, if only you all could hear what my heart is thinking!

This, then, is my apology, and I hope it suffices. I have been asked to withdraw from the race by my party, my friends, my wife, and my conscience, but my gut won’t let me.