9: healing starts with facing reality

Growth will never happen in our lives until we value facing truth more than avoiding pain.

JOHN ORTBERG

THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP IS certainly momplicated, isn’t it? Did any of the four needs discussed in chapters 5 through 8 resonate with you? You may have been surprised to see ways in which your mother did not perfectly meet your needs. Now that you have identified these areas, you can begin to pursue healing. Not only does healing relieve our pain, but it also helps us become the women of love, truth, and integrity that God designed us to be. Are you ready to embrace the life that Jesus offers?

WHAT DOES HEALING LOOK LIKE?

There are two levels of healing with our mothers: One is external, and one is internal. While we may long for external healing—to resolve our conflicts, to have our mothers show us love, to be close to them and nurtured by them—reality determines whether or not this is possible. Much depends on whether your mother is still living and whether she is willing to do her part to heal the relationship. (We will talk about that aspect of healing in chapter 11.)

On the other hand, internal healing is something you do on your own, and it is always possible. The first step to repairing any relationship is to stop pointing fingers at the other person and focus on ourselves. You are the only person you ultimately have the power to change.

The goal is to live out of our true adult selves, rather than out of our childhood wounds or patterns. For Christians, this adult life is characterized by the fruit of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (see Galatians 5:22-23). It is a life of less unnecessary pain and more purpose. It is a life that God can use to significantly impact our families and our worlds.

Neither of us dived deeply into our mother-daughter healing journeys until after our mothers had passed away. I (Debbie) sought counseling in my fifties and was surprised to learn that a current situation was triggering feelings of rejection that had developed in my early relationship with my mother. I (Joan) always knew I had “daddy issues,” but as I worked on this book, I discovered how many of my struggles are actually “mommy issues.”

Healing is a process—we won’t reach perfection in this life—and we are both still very much in the middle of the process! The apostle Paul described it well: “I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me” (Philippians 3:12).

THE STEPS TO HEALING

There’s no real formula for healing—it is supernatural, the work of the Holy Spirit. But if you don’t know where to begin, we offer six steps to healing throughout the next two chapters. These will give you a path to follow. As we look back over our personal journeys and the women we have worked with, these steps are some of the touchstones we observed along the way. Keep in mind that the work of God cannot be reduced to a simple step-by-step process. Steps are merely tools to help us connect with God as we move toward healing. Also, remember that God is the ultimate healer, and healing comes in his time.

Step 1: Pray

We can read books, process our pain, and invest hours talking to a therapist, life coach, pastor, or friend, but in the end, help and healing come from the Spirit of the living God. He moves in the deepest places of our hearts—places we cannot get to on our own. Our first step toward unraveling our momplications is to pray.

In The Circle Maker, Mark Batterson encouraged big prayers and bold faith: “Don’t just read the Bible. Start circling the promises. Don’t just make a wish. Write down a list of God-glorifying life goals. Don’t just pray. Keep a prayer journal.”[20] The posture of prayer becomes practical as we begin to stand on the truth of God’s promises.

In a later book, Batterson reiterated how powerful prayer is:

I believe that every breakthrough, every blessing, every miracle, and every dream has a genealogy. If you trace it all the way back, you will find a prayer. Miracles are the product of prayers that were prayed by you or for you.[21]

Are you ready to tap into this powerful one-on-one conversation with God? Beginning each day in prayer lays a foundation of hope for the upcoming day. We connect with God, and we proclaim the hope that he is leading us in each day, through every part of our story, including the process of inner healing.

Ask God for his Kingdom to come and his will to be done as you embark on this healing journey. What would it look like for our lives to be directed by God’s Kingdom, rather than our childhood programming? According to 2 Corinthians 3:17, it would be freedom, for “wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” Prayer invites the Spirit of God to rule, so our past messages no longer run our lives.

Understandably, some women may feel blocked in their prayers because of the old lies that hold them back; it can be easy to believe that God doesn’t care or that he won’t hear or answer them. Yet Scripture tells a different story:

We do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

HEBREWS 4:15-16, NIV

Hold on to the key truths hidden in this passage to combat your doubts:

Through prayer, we ask God to heal the wounds and rewrite the lies we have received from our mother-daughter relationships. He may answer this prayer immediately, but more often he leads us on a journey of renewal that may last a lifetime. Talk to him. Ask him to heal your pain, bind up your broken heart, bring you freedom, and help you grow. Invite him to use whatever means he desires to change your deepest imprints. Let him lead you and show you what specific steps toward healing he wants you to take. Trust him to use your wounds as openings through which his Spirit can enter and give you joy and peace.

God has answered our prayers to heal our mother wounds in miraculous ways, and we want that to happen for you, too. He will answer in his own way and in his own time. But no matter what, we agree with this conclusion:

He answers every prayer, and He keeps every promise. That is who He is. That is what He does. And if you have the faith to dream big, pray hard, and think long, there is nothing God loves more than proving His faithfulness.[22]

Step 2: Identify Core Lies

It has been theorized that each of us holds three to five core lies about ourselves or God. These false beliefs were usually engraved in our souls early in our lives, when our hearts and minds were soft and receptive. Unchallenged, these lies can hold us in hurtful and negative patterns. For me (Debbie), one of my primary lies was “There is something wrong with me.” In my young mind, it was the only way I could explain why my mother was cold and rejected me throughout my childhood. For me (Joan), a lie I believed was “I have no one to rely on but myself.” That was my conclusion after my father died and my mother emotionally checked out.

What are the core lies that are shadows in your heart? Again, this is not about blaming our mothers but about identifying the negative beliefs that keep us stuck in pain or dysfunction and replacing those lies with truth. Do you struggle with any of the following false beliefs?

If none of these descriptions is quite accurate for you, how would you state the lie or lies that have been planted in your heart? You may have already started to identify some of these beliefs as you worked through the earlier sections of this book—look back in your notes for any repeated patterns or hurts that came up in your answers. What are the words that repeat automatically in your mind? What thoughts immediately surface when you are in crisis?

Keep in mind that these beliefs are not always conscious, and they are rarely divulged to others. But these core lies often seem true at a gut level. While our minds may tell us they are not true—that they are contrary to what the Bible teaches—our throats, chests, and stomachs tell us something else. We react instinctively to people and events, behaving as if these lies were true. It requires prayer and focused effort to step outside these beliefs, to see that they exist in us, and to identify them as lies. Why is it so important that we identify these lies? Because we can’t change them unless we first acknowledge them.

Step 3: Explore Their Impact

In addition to identifying the lies that have taken root in our hearts, it is important to discover how they have affected us. What unnecessary pain or fear have they caused? How have they impacted our adult relationships? How did we cope?

Our coping mechanisms can bring as much or more pain to us than our original experiences with our mothers. Unhealthy coping techniques can introduce big problems into our adult lives. Sometimes, the ways we avoid pain can become ways we avoid life.

Here are a few examples of the many ways we cope:

  1. Becoming a People Pleaser

    If a woman holds a belief that she is inherently flawed, unloved, or unworthy, she may become like a chameleon, putting on a persona to be acceptable to others but losing herself in the process.

    “If I was a ‘good girl,’ Mom would notice me,” said Nina. “I didn’t want to make trouble or argue with Mom like my brother did. It made her angry and dismissive toward him. I wanted her approval and attention. I got it when I came home from school with A’s or washed the dishes. But hard as I tried, I could never be good enough to get the warmth or praise I wanted. She never really let me know I was okay.

    “When my dad left us, I was told to be a ‘good little soldier.’ I took care of my mom by pretending I had no feelings or needs. I didn’t want to create any more trouble for her.

    “As an adult, the ingrained pattern continues. I am always putting my feelings and my needs aside to please others. I always have a smile on my face, and people think I’m nice. I avoid conflict and almost never say no. If there is a need—with a friend, at school, at work, or at church—I am always available to fill it. That may sound like a ‘good’ way to be, but it often comes at the expense of caring for my own family, my own health, or my own soul.”

    Many of us are people pleasers in some way. What would it look like to make it our goal to please God first and foremost?

  2. Numbing Ourselves

    When they can’t stand the pain caused by the lies in their heads, many women turn to substances or activities to escape. Some may use drugs or alcohol. Some may overeat. Others may become workaholics or overindulge in romance novels, shopping, or television. Still others use busyness, social media, ministry work, or constant social activity to keep their feelings in check. While these types of solutions work in the short term, they can lead to bigger problems, such as addiction, broken relationships, or diversion from the life of purpose we were meant to live.

    Victoria wondered why her mother was so cold toward her. “I could never get the hugs or ‘I love yous’ I longed for. I coped by going into my own fantasy world, making up songs and plays that would make me happy. Around age twelve, I discovered romance novels. They all had a similar plot: After initial rejection and struggles, the heroine would finally be seen as the beautiful, accomplished, amazing woman she was, ending up in the arms of the man who adored her. Reading these stories was comforting and gave me hope that things might get better someday.”

    Victoria entered marriage full of hope, but shortly after her first child was born, her husband was given a long-term, out-of-town assignment. “That was when my escape into fantasy got out of hand. I could not walk down the book aisle at Safeway without buying a gothic novel. I spent hours reading or watching soap operas. I’m ashamed to say there were times I ignored my son. It also hurt my marriage. No man could ever measure up to the fictional men that filled my mind.”

    We all have found ways to numb ourselves. What would it look like to run to God for comfort instead?

  3. Excessive Dependency

    Some women haven’t developed the ability to take responsibility for themselves. Instead, they helplessly wait for someone to rescue them. This can be a response to being raised by a neglectful mom, who did not teach and guide them, or a helicopter mom, who did too much for them. It can also develop from having a critical or performance-oriented mother who caused the daughter to give up trying.

    Sophia’s mother wanted her to be brilliant and gifted. As early as first grade, Sophia’s mother would hover over her as she did her homework, correcting her mistakes, hoping to impress the teacher. Every time Sophia attempted something, her mother would correct it or improve it. As a result, Sophia eventually stopped trying.

    One of her core lies became “I can’t do things well enough.” This belief spilled over into other areas of her life. When Sophia’s mother signed her up for soccer, Sophia would not fight for the ball. She would stand back and let others do it. When it was time to apply for colleges, Sophia had her mother fill out the applications and write her essays. As an adult, Sophia continues the pattern of waiting for others, including God, to rescue her. Rather than setting goals and working toward them, she sits in her misery, hoping someone will bail her out.

    Do you find yourself continually wanting others to rescue you or make things better for you? Could this be something that sabotages your growth?

  4. Excessive Self-Reliance

    Some women have been repeatedly hurt or disappointed by their mothers, and they come to expect that everyone else will also disappoint them. They fear that if they are vulnerable, they might be hurt, so they ultimately rely only on themselves. These women may find ways to distract themselves (work, addictions, fantasy) so they won’t feel the loneliness that results from the lack of deep connection. They may choose similarly avoidant friends and spouses. Or they may have difficulty in their relationships because they hold others at arm’s length.

    Aisha said, “Around age seven, I started taking showers by myself. If I got shampoo in my eyes, I would call for my mom, and she would come and hand me a washcloth. On one occasion, when I cried out to her, blinded by the burning soap in my eyes, she responded coldly from the kitchen, ‘You’re old enough. Figure it out.’

    “I stood there with my eyes tightly shut, terrified, feeling around for something I could use to put over my eyes and relieve the burning sensation. It seems like a small thing, but that incident solidified a message that has become my motto: ‘Don’t ask for help. Figure it out for yourself.’ I learned that needing help meant I was weak, and it was shameful to be weak.

    “In some ways this approach has helped me to be successful, but I often take it too far. If there are twenty-eight hours of work to do in twenty-four, I handle it. I carry the entire burden rather than seeking help, and it brings me unnecessary levels of stress. Also, I tend to isolate myself when I am feeling emotionally vulnerable, rather than reaching out to friends and family.”

    Do you find it hard to be vulnerable or to reach out to others for help? What would it be like to have others support you and share your load?

  5. Becoming Controlling

    When we develop imprints that whisper to us that we are in danger of being left alone, criticized, or hurt, we may become controlling as a tactic to prevent those things from happening. We may think that if we can control our husbands, we can stop them from hurting us. If we can keep our homes and families in perfect order, we can calm the anxious voices inside us that suggest our world is chaotic. Control can be overt, like that of a drill sergeant, or it can be subtle and manipulative, like the woman who uses the “silent treatment” on others who don’t do what she wants.

    Nikki’s mother had nine children and was usually distracted and exhausted. As child number five, Nikki felt powerless. She couldn’t stand up to the bullying of her three older brothers or the bossiness of her older sister. She didn’t have her own room or even her own socks. She never felt completely cared for or safe. When she went to college and only had one roommate, she seized the opportunity to have order. She wanted there to be rules about tidiness, when they could have guests, and when the lights needed to be off. At her core were unrecognized beliefs that whispered, “I am not safe. I don’t have a place. I’m powerless.” She compensated by becoming excessively controlling.

    Do you find yourself trying to control your surroundings or other people? What would it look like to find your peace in God, instead of in your circumstances?

Underneath each of these coping mechanisms is an unmet need, a need that God longs to meet. He is always pouring forth his love and his truth, but our own faulty thinking—the lies that have cluttered the pages of our souls, making the truth illegible—causes us to rely on our own ways of managing life and relationships.

Speaking through Jeremiah, God rebuked the Israelites when they stopped relying on him and turned to their own devices:

My people have done two evil things:

They have abandoned me—

the fountain of living water.

And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns

that can hold no water at all!

JEREMIAH 2:13

God understands that we were just children when our “cisterns” were established—our own ways of coping with loneliness, fear, or hurt. But now that we are grown, God wants us to rely on him to provide us with the living water we need.

A STARTING FOCUS

Ask God to help you focus on one area to start with. What is the core lie that resonates the most with you? How does that belief affect you? What strategies have you adopted to cope? How have those coping strategies helped you, and how have they hurt you? What is it that you specifically want to ask God to heal first?

As examples, here are our areas of focus and how we are seeking God’s healing. This may seem redundant, but this exercise took each of us to a new level of conciseness and clarity. Healing is like peeling an onion; it often requires that we go over the same ground at a new depth.

The core lie I believed: “There is something wrong with me.”

The ways I coped: Overachieving, people pleasing, self-blame, expecting rejection

The core lie I believed: “I am alone and have no one to rely on.”

The ways I coped: Overachieving, avoiding intimacy, excessive self-reliance

Explore Your Story

  1. Reread step 1 and write a prayer to God in your journal.
  2. Momplicated Time Line: Get a large piece of paper and create a time line of your life up to the age of eighteen, focusing on your relationship with your mother—positive memories on the top part and negative memories on the bottom. You may want to use multiple pages. We have created an example of what this could look like on page 171.
  3. Beliefs: Now go back through your time line and add beliefs that may have resulted from these entries. Don’t overthink this; write the beliefs that pop into your mind. You can refine them later. You may find that one incident seems to bring up a lot of beliefs, or one belief may run through numerous incidents. You may want to use a different color pen for this. See how this was done in the same example on page 172.
  4. Impact/Effects/Coping: Look back over your time line again, asking yourself how these experiences and beliefs have impacted you. What are their ongoing effects? Either make notes on your time line (possibly in a third color pen) or write in your journal as you consider these questions:
    • How did I cope with my experiences and beliefs?
    • What blueprints were laid for future relationships?
    • What habits were built into me?
    • What expectations did I take on?
  5. Prayerfully look through your entire time line and ask God to reveal to you one particular belief or theme to focus on as you read chapter 10. You may want to ask yourself these questions:
    • What is causing me the most pain?
    • Which issue do I think God most wants to change?
    • Which patterns are most destructive to my current relationships and my life?

    Write that area of focus in the following format:

    • One core lie I have believed is . . .
    • The ways I have coped are . . .

    You may also want to write the new belief and behaviors you want to adopt:

    • The truth I want to believe is . . .
    • The new ways I want to act are . . .
Momplicated time line: Key Events of My Childhood + Beliefs Instilled in My Heart
Momplicated time line: Key Events of My Childhood

Connect with God

Lord, it is hard for me to admit, even to myself, the core lies I have held tightly and believed all these years. It is even harder to admit some of the coping patterns I have developed that are not healthy for me or the people closest to me. As I open my heart to you in this area, I am asking you to do a deep and lasting healing. May your Holy Spirit penetrate my emotions and transform me in ways I could never do on my own. May every memory that you bring back to my mind be covered with grace, truth, and healing. I desire to walk in the truth of your love for me and be reshaped by you. Amen.