Sugar Doesn’t Hurt People, PEOPLE Hurt People
A thick stream of caramel plopped onto the gum where I had been stuck. Unfortunately for The Candy Man, I was no longer there. My legs felt like they were going to fall off, but I had loosened enough of the gum that I was able to use my super speed and kick my way out like a fish-crazy dolphin chasing a juicy anchovy. Some of the gum still stuck to the bottom of my boots and the backs of my legs, slowing me down and making it hard to turn.
“Would you ssstop running around ssso I can dissolve you!?” The Candy Man yelled. “Really! What kid doesn’t love dessert?”
“Your candy-coated reign of terror is over, Candy Man! The only rainbow of flavors you’ll be tasting is liberty, justice, and honor!”
“That’s not a rainbow!”
“It is, but it’s just not very colorful to evil!” Without Super Vision Lad to worry about, I could use my super speed and hopefully make quick work of The Candy Man — unless he dissolved me first or the gum still stuck to my body interfered.
“And how, exactly, do you intend to stop me? Do you have a giant toothbrush I don’t know about? Or perhaps one of your powers is unlimited dental floss?” The Candy Man laughed.
That was it! I had to use his power against him! What’s the enemy of all candy? Children! If I could just get five hundred children to gnaw and...no... that wouldn’t work. Maybe ten dentists? No way! They’re even more evil than The Candy Man. If I brought ten of them together, who knows what chaos would be unleashed! I wasn’t willing to take on that horrible responsibility.
That was when I got an idea. It wasn’t just an idea, but easily the stupidest idea I had ever had — and that included the time I took Earlobe Lad to see the fireworks show.
Boy, that was a spectacle I’ll never forget. And I’m not talking about the fireworks.
I raced as fast as I could, zigging and zagging through The Candy Man’s cotton candy assault. That was when he whipped out the heavy artillery: S’MORES!
“When you sssat around the campfire as a child saying ‘Mommy! Mommy! Can we make more s’mores, please?’ I’ll bet you never dreamed of the day that s’mores would be your greatest enemy! Super S’mores Smother Attack!” The Candy Man cackled.
I have no idea what a Super S’mores Smother Attack is. And now that I think about it, I don’t even know what a Regular S’mores Smother Attack is, either.
In one hand, The Candy Man held peanut butter s’mores. In the other hand, the traditional chocolate s’mores treat loved by millions of Boy Scouts across the globe. I had to act fast. In mere moments I was about to face the most awesome onslaught of s’mores the world has ever known. I raced around The Candy Man at 41 miles per hour. Before he could turn to launch his chocolatey attack, I used my super speed and leaped into the air. He spun, but it was too late! At the last second, I rotated so my gum-covered legs and butt were facing him. I hit him in his giant tooth hat — and stuck.
The Candy Man staggered to the left. Then to the right. His legs wobbled. He had suddenly gained more than a hundred pounds directly on top of his head, and he just couldn’t carry my extra weight. He grunted, then tried to hit me with his double s’mores attack, but it was too late. The Candy Man toppled face-first to the floor of the Sidekick Super Clubhouse and fell atop the s’mores he held in each hand.
The s’mores he had meant for me.
“You put your chocolate in my peanut butter,” The Candy Man moaned, and then collapsed to the floor, unconscious.
I lay on my back, facing the ceiling, as if I were sitting in a chair, my butt firmly stuck with gum to the crown of The Candy Man’s tooth hat. My back was stuck to the floor as well, ensuring that even if The Candy Man awoke before the other sidekicks came back, he wasn’t going anywhere.
I tried to turn my head to face the door to Latchkey Kid’s room. “Uh...a little help here!” I called out.