Phyllis is usually a fun person to be around. Her laughter is infectious. She is intelligent, has a wonderful sense of humor, and shows a great deal of kindness toward almost everyone. She is attractive, creative, and has lots of friends. But Phyllis is plagued by jealous feelings about her boyfriend, Michael—feelings that overwhelm her at times—making her nauseated, anxious, and furious. She gets anxious when he is at parties and she worries about his friendship with his ex-girlfriend. When he has dinner with his ex-girlfriend, whom Michael describes as “only a friend,” Phyllis goes into a rage. She thinks there is something wrong with her because she just can’t get the jealousy out of her mind. “I think I am going crazy,” she tells me as she looks down at the floor, avoiding eye contact.
Consider Steve. He didn’t feel jealous when he first started dating Rachel, but now he does. He checks her Facebook page and tries to access her phone, looking for signs that she is losing interest in him. He keeps wondering: “Is she seeing someone else?” “Who is that guy who friended her on Facebook?” “Is she still looking?” Steve can’t concentrate on work, is drinking more, and doesn’t want to see his friends because he is so miserable. He tells me, “I really don’t have a solid reason to think that Rachel is cheating, but don’t know for sure. I can’t stand the anxiety. I sometimes think that I would feel better if I just ended the relationship so I wouldn’t have to worry anymore.”
Almost everyone has felt jealousy at some point, or had jealous thoughts about a spouse, intimate partner, friend, sibling, or other family member. As you’ll see in this book, jealousy is normal, as human as love and fear. It’s a universal emotion that we find among people in different cultures, children, and even animals. We experience it because we feel connected to someone in a special way. So if that bond is at risk, we can feel threatened or insulted. We are seldom jealous about a superficial relationship, so jealousy may be a signal that someone matters. But when it takes over, like Phyllis and Steve we struggle to get it out of our minds and we may do things that we regret. Jealousy can create real problems for us.
I have written twenty-five books about psychology—addressing worry, anxiety, depression, and the difficulty of changing behavior—from the cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) approach. And I appreciate the wide range of gifted therapists who have also written books. So it struck me as odd that there was no book offering a CBT perspective to people struggling with jealousy in their lives. This was especially strange because jealousy involves many issues that we research and have effectively treated, including worry, rumination, self-criticism, anger, and conflict resolution. A book on it was overdue.
CBT has become the most highly valued treatment throughout the world for depression and anxiety, among many other problems that may cause you to struggle. It focuses on your current thoughts, behavior, and interactions with people to offer self-help tools so you can better cope with difficulties. In this book, I draw from a wide range of powerful techniques and conceptualizations that can help you cope with this often difficult and overwhelming emotion. My hope is to give you new tools that you can use today to put jealousy in perspective so that it does not control your life.
I have seen good people struggle with jealousy. They love their partners and want to trust and grow together. But they may escalate into uncontrollable anxiety and anger, which often lead to guilt and shame afterward. One woman cried with shame and fear because she was losing control and ruining her relationship. A man hoped that the woman he was with would become a life partner, but his jealousy led him to interrogate her, accuse her, and stalk her on social media. Another man loved his wife and three children, but was so overwhelmed by jealous feelings that he thought it would be better to kill himself. Fortunately, he didn’t and was able to rescue his marriage from the jealousy that had overtaken it.
This is a tragic emotion because jealousy comes from a combination of intense love and intense fear. The actions that result can jeopardize the very relationship that you want to protect. And your jealous thoughts, emotions, and behavior are accompanied by shame and guilt. If you struggle with jealousy, you may have doubted your own sanity—even doubted your right to have any jealous feelings at all. Our culture sometimes gives us the message that painful and difficult emotions are not allowed and, if you have them, there is something terribly wrong with you. But I want you to know that jealousy can be part of being human, having intimacy, and engaging in intense relationships.
People often get advice from well-meaning friends, or even therapists, that won’t help and may actually make things worse. Here are some of the things you may have heard, and also the reasons why they aren’t accurate or helpful.
While any of these statements might be valid, none helps because they are not relevant to the way you feel and do not help you cope with those feelings. Because jealousy is based on a feeling that a relationship is threatened, offering criticism, dismissal, or ridicule will only make you feel worse about yourself—and even more jealous. So how can you get a handle on your jealousy in a way that actually helps?
Showing you how is one of my goals in this book. I want to help you understand what jealousy is, because it is a passionate emotion that includes many other emotions that trouble us, including anger, anxiety, helplessness, resentment, and hopelessness. I also want to help you realize that you are not alone in your feelings.
Another goal is to look at the choices you make, which can either sabotage your relationship or save it. Once you feel jealous—once you have the intense feeling that someone cannot be trusted—what do you do next? Jealous thoughts and feelings lead to some common patterns of reaction and behavior, such as:
But jealous thoughts and feelings don’t always have to lead to jealous behavior. You can make a choice about what you actually do. And there are better ways to respond. This book teaches you what to do with the thoughts and feelings. Even if you can’t get jealousy out of your mind completely, you can act in ways that keep it from taking over and wrecking your well-being and your relationships.
This book is not meant to lecture you on the idea that you have no right to your jealous feelings, or that you are irrational, or that you should “just get over it.” No. When jealousy has justification, it may be time to get assertive, problem-solve with your partner, and set some limits. Jealous triggers may lead the two of you to become clearer about your commitment to each other, develop some guidelines, and establish mutual understanding—all pathways to building trust. Sometimes jealousy can tell us about what our relationship needs more of, whether it’s commitment, honesty, transparency, or choice.
Your jealous feelings don’t mean that something terrible is about to happen. It helps to look at reality—not just your thoughts and feelings. Emotions are not always accurate predictors of reality. Because jealousy is such a passionate and overwhelming emotion, standing back and getting some distance from it may seem impossible. But if you slow down your thinking, step aside from your feelings for a few moments, and reflect on what you are telling yourself, maybe things can change. Maybe you don’t have to be hijacked by thoughts and feelings.
If you are the object of a partner’s jealousy, this book can help you understand what your partner is going through. It can help you see why dismissive responses will never help. As the object of jealousy, you know how hard it is to feel accused and distrusted in the context of your intimate relationship. You can both learn better ways of coping with these painful feelings. This book will guide you and your partner to work together to find common understanding and guidelines. Jealousy will not go away simply because you want it to. In fact, it may be something that both of you can learn to accept, live with, and even respect—while decreasing the negative behaviors and arguments that result from it.
The ultimate goal of this book is to help you see that, because jealousy is not inherently bad and is part of human nature, it is not blameworthy or something to be ashamed about. It can actually be useful by helping you discover areas in your relationship that need attention. I’ve helped hundreds of clients understand their jealousy and find freedom from the misery it can bring. Read on and see how you can find freedom too.