Chapter 2

Is Jealousy a Problem for You?

All of us are vulnerable to feeling jealous at times, so the question to consider is: Has jealousy become a problem for you? You have a right to your feelings, but it’s important to take a look at how much jealousy is affecting your daily life. You can assess whether jealousy is getting in the way of your intimate relationship, friendships, family relationships, and interactions with coworkers. Do you…

• Complain, pout, ruminate, resent, avoid, or disparage family, friends, and colleagues because of your jealous feelings?
• Has jealousy led to relationships ending abruptly?
• Do you hold on to resentments for long periods of time?
• Have you complained to colleagues, and does doing this ever put your job at risk?
• Do you find that you can’t step away from your jealous thoughts and feelings?
• Do they hijack you so that you feel you have no choices in your actions?
• Does your jealousy make you depressed?
• Do you sometimes feel hopeless, not only about your current relationship but also about your ability to have a relationship without being overwhelmed by jealousy?
• Has your jealousy led you to say things that you later regret saying?

You can make an honest assessment of your jealous thoughts, feelings, and behaviors by filling out a questionnaire. The questionnaire assesses answers to thirty questions, which are related to triggers for jealousy and how you respond to them.

The Jealousy Scale

This scale assesses a range of possible responses and the frequency of your jealous feelings. The focus is on how you are experiencing, and responding to, events in your relationship. Your answers do not mean that you have no right to your feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. And they do not mean that your partner is completely innocent or that you have nothing to be jealous about. This scale is written to address jealousy for intimate partners and heterosexual couples, so if you are part of a gay couple you can think about your partner or spouse. If you are not currently in a relationship, think back about past relationships.

Try to answer each question as accurately as possible. Don’t try to be rational, reasonable, or well adjusted. Think about each question in terms of how you would answer it when you get upset or bothered. There are no right or wrong answers. We are interested in how you think, feel, act, and communicate when certain things happen in your relationship.

Rate the following behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that you have engaged in because of your jealous thoughts and feelings. On a piece of paper, write down the number that indicates how often you engage them.

• Never 0
• Rarely 1
• Sometimes 2
• Often 3
• Always 4
  1. I question my partner about his or her past relationships.
  2. I get upset when I hear about his or her past relationships.
  3. I compare myself with his or her past partners and this bothers me.
  4. I question my partner to find out what is going on.
  5. I ask my partner whom he or she was talking to, or sitting near, when out without me.
  6. I try to interrupt conversations my partner has with others of the opposite sex.
  7. I try to check my partner’s emails or texts.
  8. I check my partner’s phone calls or messages.
  9. I check my partner’s GPS to find out where he or she has been.
  10. I seek out reassurance from my partner that I can trust him or her.
  11. I withdraw from my partner when I am suspicious.
  12. I accuse my partner of being interested in someone else.
  13. I plead with my partner not to flirt with others.
  14. I criticize my partner or say negative things about people I think he or she might be interested in.
  15. I try to make my partner feel guilty.
  16. I try to provoke my partner to get into an argument when I am jealous.
  17. I try to seduce my partner to get reassurance or to feel better when I am jealous.
  18. I follow my partner to find out what is going on.
  19. I threaten my partner with a breakup, separation, or divorce.
  20. I threaten my partner with violence.
  21. I have been violent when I have been jealous.
  22. I try to keep my partner from leaving or doing things.
  23. I criticize myself to my partner.
  24. I look for alternative partners.
  25. I flirt with other people to try to make my partner jealous.
  26. I don’t trust my partner.
  27. I worry that my partner might be unfaithful.
  28. I don’t like it when my partner has colleagues or friends of the opposite sex who might be attractive to him or her.
  29. I get upset if my partner touches or kisses someone, or dances with someone else.
  30. I get upset if someone of the opposite sex seems interested in my partner.

Look at your responses to the questions. Does a pattern emerge? Do you get anxious, angry, or upset when you think about your partner and other people? If you answered “Sometimes” to four or more of these questions, then jealousy may be a problem in your current or past relationships. If your total score exceeds 12, you are probably experiencing significant distress at times due to jealousy.

Coping with Jealous Feelings

The next thing to look at is how you cope with your jealous feelings—what do you actually do? This includes interrogating, checking, following, withdrawing, and other behaviors.

• Are you talking to your partner as if he or she needs to defend himself or herself?
• Are you insinuating that he or she cannot be trusted?
• Are you checking his or her social media, phone, email, GPS?
• Are you asking other people what they know?
• Are you pouting, withdrawing, making yourself unavailable, withholding sex?

You may attempt to limit or control your partner’s actions—trying to prevent him or her from meeting people you are threatened by.

• Do you try to convince your partner not to socialize with certain people because of your jealousy?
• Do you tell your partner that you need to accompany him or her when socializing?
• Do you tell your partner that he or she must check in with you frequently when not around you?
• Do you ask other people to report on your partner?

Jealousy may lead you to dwell on the past, or what is going on currently, in your mind. It can lead you to worry about the future—what your partner might do or how you would cope without him or her. Consider how jealousy leads you to think about experiences with colleagues, friends, and family members.

• Do you ruminate about your partner’s past relationships?
• Do you frequently compare yourself to his or her past partners?
• Do you feel worse about your current relationship or yourself when you think about your partner’s past relationships?
• Do you think that your partner will seek out other people and betray you?

Jealousy can also be related to your doubts about yourself.

• Do you think that, if other people are interesting and attractive to your partner, this means you are inferior?
• Do you conclude that, if a friend is spending more time with someone else, you are boring?

Jealousy can affect your relationship in many ways. Consider whether any of these statements apply to your experience with a partner, family member, friend, or coworker.

• Having more arguments
• Withdrawing
• Clinging
• Demanding
• Fighting
• Avoiding
• Feeling miserable in the relationship
• Having sex less often
• Feeling less affection

As you look at the ways you cope with jealousy, consider Ken’s experience. Ken has been dating Louise for seven months. She was active sexually before she met Ken, and Ken also had a number of girlfriends and sexual experiences. But Ken now worries that he might not be able to trust Louise. As he responded to the Jealousy Scale and considered the questions about coping, he saw that:

• He believes Juan, whom Louise describes as a friend, is interested in a romantic or sexual relationship with her
• He thinks she might be interested in Juan as more than a friend
• He is very displeased that she occasionally works with other young men on projects at work
• He questions Louise about her text messages with Juan and other men
• He checks her Facebook page to see whether there are any pictures of her with any men, especially Juan
• He questions her about what she did the previous night
• He accuses her of being interested in Juan
• He has tried to hack into her email account
• He has considered following her

Although nothing has turned up to indicate that Louise is unfaithful, he “needs to find out for sure” that she can be trusted.

Imagining Life Without Jealousy

You may not be as jealous as Ken is—or you may be more jealous. Either way, answering these questions should give you a sense of whether or not jealousy is beginning to take over your life. Now that you have gone through the questions, think about how you would feel if you were feeling less jealous.

• How would your relationship improve?
• Would you be able to communicate better if you were less overwhelmed by your jealousy?
• Would you feel less anxious, less sad, or less regretful of things that you say or do?
• How would your partner think of you if you were less jealous?

This is not to say that you don’t have a right to your feelings. The purpose of this chapter is to help you perceive the degree to which these feelings overwhelm you, preoccupy you, and interfere with a range of experiences inside and outside your relationship. In the next chapter, we will look at how your history of relationships and your beliefs about relationships can contribute to jealousy.