Chapter 12

“It’s Complicated”—Getting Past Infidelity

Sometimes jealousy is totally justified. It represents a healthy and self-affirming response to a violation of trust. In this chapter, you will gain options you can examine when your partner has been unfaithful. You can consider your relationship and what your next move will be.

Keep in mind that whether your partner has been faithful or unfaithful, you still need to live your life. Getting hijacked by your jealousy, ruminating, feeling stuck, raging against what has happened, and feeling humiliated, defeated, and hopeless will not work in your favor. Even after experiencing a betrayal, you can learn how to cope better and, maybe, if both of you are willing to do the work, save your relationship. These will be your choices—just keep in mind that you do have choices. Let’s look at an example of a woman who was experiencing jealousy about her husband’s behavior.

Alice was suspicious of Paul’s relationship with Linda, who worked in his office. Alice thought their relationship was more than just professional. When I met with Paul, he told me that Alice’s suspicions were unjustified and that he valued Linda as a friend. Linda had left his office and was working somewhere else. But as Paul began to trust me more, he admitted that he had been sexually involved with Linda a few times. Paul told me that his relationship with Alice had grown further apart and that he felt they had little in common anymore. After the kids left the house, he realized his communication and intimacy with Alice had deteriorated, so he sought those things from Linda. Alice continued to confront him, and when she finally found a text message on his phone, Paul confessed his affair. Alice was infuriated and depressed, and said that she couldn’t imagine how they could go on together.

As difficult as this was, it turned out not to be the end of their marriage. As they worked together in both couple and individual therapy, we decided on some ground rules that they would have to agree to. First, they agreed that Paul could no longer see or contact Linda—who was working somewhere else. This included no text messages, phone calls, or meetings. Second, he had to tell Linda that it was over with her and that he was committed to working on his marriage. Third, they both had to identify the kind of relationship they wanted to have in the future. This included the communication that they wanted, activities that they could share, and ways of reinforcing and respecting each other. Fourth, they had to develop a plan about how they would collaborate to work on solving problems together: no more blaming, no more withdrawing or stonewalling, and no more dismissing each other.

In this chapter, we will discuss what happens after an infidelity has been discovered because jealousy is most intense when we have been betrayed. When trust has been broken, it triggers a number of thoughts that we might have about ourselves, other people, and future relationships. So we will examine what those thoughts and feelings might be and how to cope with them. Because this crisis can be a possible turning point, we will look at ways to open doors to either getting out of the relationship, if that is what you decide, or choosing to make the relationship better. You will see that trust, once broken, is difficult to regain—but it’s not impossible. You and your partner might have mixed feelings about working on regaining trust. But you can still work together to move things forward, while acknowledging that distrust is still lurking within you. Let’s take a look at the options when trust has been broken.

A Crisis Can Be a Turning Point

An affair that is discovered is one of the leading causes of divorce. Regaining trust is difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible, and many couples decide that an affair is the straw that finally broke the camel’s back, because affairs don’t arise out of nowhere. They happen because relationships have deteriorated, communication has fallen apart, partners are sharing fewer activities together, and the value of the relationship has decreased for one partner or both partners. This is not meant to justify affairs, or to blame the partner who feels betrayed. Commitments are important and living up to commitments is essential. But people are imperfect, fallible, and troubled. Even good people go astray, good people let us down, and people who love us can still hurt us deeply.

I have seen couples break up after an affair is discovered and I have also seen couples build stronger relationships. There is no simple route to take. It’s up to you to examine what has happened, what it means, and what you both are willing to do.

You can think about an affair that is discovered as a turning point. Will this provide you with enough motivation to finally break it off? Does this mean that the two of you, who may have been together for years, must finally separate? Perhaps it does, but it is not inevitable. It can also mean that both of you are now in a crisis, in which you finally recognize that there is too much at stake to walk away. After all the disappointments and betrayals, you both may finally have the motivation to rebuild your relationship.

The affair can mark a point in time in between two relationships: the relationship that led up to an affair and the relationship that you rebuild after the affair. You wouldn’t want to go back to the relationship that led to an affair, would you? Perhaps it is an opportunity to start a new relationship—with your partner. If the relationship led to an affair, you should think about what was missing in that relationship—not to blame yourself or the other person—but to learn where things went wrong so you can examine how the two of you can fix it, if you think that’s possible.

Get Clarity on Commitment Levels

Sometimes it may not be clear what each partner’s level of commitment is.

Wendy had been dating Larry for a couple of months and they had been sexually intimate. She assumed that they had an agreement about monogamy, but they never explicitly talked about it. When she found out that he was also seeing other women, she was enraged and felt betrayed. Her feelings are understandable because sexual intimacy is often equated with some kind of commitment. But this is not an assumption that everyone makes.

The first issue to clarify is what the two of you can agree on regarding other relationships. Some people think of their sexual partners as “friends with benefits,” that is, sex partners without the commitment of fidelity. If you have entered an understanding like this, be honest with yourself about whether you are really able to compartmentalize in this way. Although some people agree on an “open relationship,” in which both partners are able to be with others, I have seldom seen this work for very long. Usually it turns out that one person wants more monogamy, more commitment. So take an honest look at your feelings because, if you are feeling jealous, you may not be as sophisticated as you set out to be.

When talking about commitment, listen to what the other person says. If your current partner says he or she is not ready for a commitment, then listen to that, and don’t expect a commitment simply because you are ready for one. And don’t equate sexual intimacy with commitment.

Be direct with each other. Be clear about what commitment means to you. Does it mean that you don’t date other people? Or that you don’t have sex with other people? Does it mean that you see each other frequently? Some people might get frightened or turned off when you bring up the issue of commitment, and they say, “Stop pressuring me.” If that is the response you get, then you might conclude that there is no real commitment of fidelity. Then you can evaluate your choices accordingly. You need to decide whether you want to continue a relationship in which the commitment is one-sided. What is not promised cannot be taken for granted.

Neither trying to lay a guilt trip on your partner, nor threatening him or her, will have much effect. Pressuring someone into a commitment can lead to an agreement in the moment, but the other person may not intend to follow it. Perhaps he or she simply needs more time to reach that point of commitment, so you need to decide whether you are willing to wait. You can always say, “I guess we are looking for different things,” while accepting that continuing along will only demoralize you. It’s your choice to stay or leave.

The Response to Infidelity

Let’s assume that the two of you do have an agreed-upon commitment that includes fidelity. If you are dating and there is no long-term commitment, you can determine whether your partner is willing to work on building trust. One way to determine this is to observe how he or she responds to the infidelity being discovered.

The problem with each of these dismissive responses is that they only add to your distrust and sense of marginalization. When people have done things that hurt us, the last thing we want is to be blamed, invalidated, and humiliated for their problematic behavior.

Here’s what it sounds like when someone has the wrong response. Derek came to see me a few years ago. He was complaining that his wife kept nagging him about his sexual infidelity. He said to me, “I told her it didn’t mean anything. I was drunk. She can’t get over it.” He asked me what he should say to her so that she “would get over it.” I told Derek that dismissing his wife’s feelings and justifying his behavior by claiming that he was drunk would only make her feel worse—and certainly would not build trust. His behavior was totally invalidating and self-serving. Here is some of our conversation.

Bob: Why don’t you tell her that you acted like a jerk, that she has every right to be angry with you, and that you can only hope eventually she might forgive you. You can say you realize that you really don’t deserve forgiveness, and that it is completely up to her.

Derek: (Laughing) You know, you’re right, that’s really what I need to say.

Bob: How would you feel if your wife had been unfaithful? How would you feel if she excused her behavior by claiming that she was drunk?

Derek: I’d be really pissed off. I can’t imagine forgiving her.

Bob: Well, that’s the dilemma you have. Because I know that you want to preserve your relationship with her, and I think that you actually love her, but you won’t be able to work toward reconciling by excusing yourself and telling her to get over it. You can’t act like you are entitled to forgiveness. It is really up to her.

There are more helpful ways for your partner to respond after a transgression. They include the following.

What Does the Infidelity Mean to You?

When someone betrays you, it’s natural to have doubts about yourself and about the future of the relationship. Look at some of these statements and see whether any of them might apply to you. Then we’ll look more closely at each of them.

“My Partner Sought Out Someone Else Because I Am No Longer Attractive”

There are many reasons why someone is unfaithful, but I have found that this one is very rare. Much infidelity is driven by:

For example, one man who loved his wife and children complained that he would get bored during the afternoon in his office. He would go to a massage parlor for some “easy and simple sex” to get his mind off things. He thought this was relaxing. His wife found out and it precipitated extreme conflict in their marriage. We worked on better ways for him to handle his boredom, and better ways to keep the possible risks in mind.

Another man was motivated to have an affair by his sense of entitlement to having things his way and conflicts with his wife. It had nothing to do with how attractive his wife was sexually. In a sense, it was part of his passive-aggressive pattern, as well as his incorrect belief that he would never get caught. His girlfriend finally called his wife and things exploded at home—much to his surprise.

“The Other Person Must Have Something That I Don’t Have”

What could that other person have that you don’t? Perhaps it was novelty, pursuing the forbidden, excitement, or variety. Or the attraction might have been that your partner felt less threatened, less obligated, or more able to talk about things with the other person. One man who had a long affair with another woman said, “I would never leave my wife for her, this was just something on the side.”

Sometimes people do leave their spouses for the other person. But I have observed that affairs seldom lead to a new marriage. Affairs seem to be more about excitement, novelty, and hedging bets. As one man said, “I don’t have to rely on my wife so much with someone on the side.” Of course, he changed his mind when the girlfriend contacted his wife.

“I Look Like A Fool And People Will Think I Am A Loser”

Now, just think about this for a minute. Someone has lied to you and cheated on you, and now you think this means you look like a fool? My experience is that other people are much more likely to judge the person who betrayed you and, if anything, have compassion for you and even defend you. The person who betrayed you was the one who broke the trust, not you. If you are concerned that people might judge you harshly because your partner cheated on you, then think about whether these are true friends. And ask yourself whether you would judge anyone harshly if they were cheated on. What feelings do you have toward people who were betrayed? Would you be angry with them or would you feel compassion for them? Would you comfort them or would you criticize them?

“I Can Never Get Over This”

The shock of discovering infidelity may make you feel extremely angry, depressed, confused, and hopeless. These are powerful feelings that may be the lens through which you look at your future. But like almost any emotion that we have, these emotions eventually become less intense. We often project our future emotions based on how we feel at the present time.

Think back about a past instance when you had an intense, negative emotion. You may have experienced an extreme loss in your life, like the death of someone close to you, or a disappointment such as losing a job, or feeling betrayed by a friend or former lover. Now fast-forward from that past experience to the present and you will realize that, for much of the time in between the past intense feelings and the present ones, these strong negative feelings had eroded. In fact, you will probably be able to recall some very pleasant emotions and experiences that occurred during the interim. While you may naturally think you will never get over this—and it is important to validate how painful that thought is—we tend to be more resilient than we think we are. We tend to be stronger than we might feel in the moment when a crisis is occurring.

“I Can Never Trust My Partner Again”

Again, this is a very natural response on your part and one that almost anyone would have after experiencing a betrayal. But it could also be that you might eventually view this transgression in the context of the larger aspects of your intimate relationship. For example, one man told me that his wife had an intimate relationship with another man when he and his wife were going through a particularly difficult time. However, as they worked on the relationship, partnered up to take care of their children, and got on with their day-to-day lives, the wife’s betrayal became less important to him. I am not saying that you should be indifferent or just bounce back. I am suggesting that you might look at the entire context of your relationship—your past, your present, and your possible future.

It will not be easy to rebuild trust after an infidelity has been discovered. It’s not going to happen just by making a promise, apologizing, or simply wanting things to change. Both of you may have mixed motivations about rebuilding trust, including your fear of getting hurt again or your partner’s resistance to having his or her behavior curtailed and controlled. I suggest thinking about developing a plan to rebuild trust. It won’t just happen on its own.

“This Means Our Entire Relationship Was a Waste of Time or a Fraud”

This kind of all-or-nothing thinking often occurs when we are angry or anxious. And this may make you feel despondent and humiliated. It may lead you to believe anything that seemed good in the relationship in the past was a fraud. But this would not be a reasonable or an accurate way of looking at it. After all, there were many positive experiences that you can probably recall just reading this sentence at the present time. You may then respond, “But thinking about those positives only makes me feel worse.” Yes, that may be true. In fact, you might want to convince yourself that the relationship was meaningless and that you’re not losing anything. But again, you may want to step back to think about the other positives in the relationship. Consider whether those positives could be regained and strengthened in the future. That way, the betrayal can be put into the context of a relationship that can grow after the injury you have experienced.

“I Will Never Be Able to Trust Anyone Again”

When one woman found out about her husband’s affair with a woman at work, she felt devastated and humiliated. She told me, “I’ll never be able to trust anyone again.” As she worked through the difficulties of the divorce and custody issues, she realized that she had a lot of things going for her as a person. She also realized that she would want to have a relationship with another man again—just not the man she was divorcing.

Her first response after the betrayal, that she could never trust anyone again, was a self-protective response. She was trying to protect herself from future betrayal. However, she realized that her desires to have companionship, share her life, and learn from the past relationship were more important than her fear of being hurt. I said to her, “If you don’t get involved with someone, you’ll feel hurt. And if you do get involved with someone, you might get hurt. We can’t go through life expecting that bad things won’t happen to us. The question to ask yourself is: Is it worth it?”

Three years later, she came back to see me to discuss her son. She told me she was relieved that her previous marriage had ended. For the past year, she had been involved with another man, who was a more equal partner. She realized that the betrayal that led to the divorce had opened a door in her life. It led her to a new relationship and greater personal growth. She felt that she could trust again because she was with a man who was trustworthy, and who shared a lot of the same interests and values. So keep in mind that your belief that you will never trust again, or love again, may be your first response to betrayal. But your first response may not be the response that you have in the future. You will have to see what happens in your life.

Developing Motivation to Change

After the infidelity has been discovered, the two of you may want to consider developing a plan to rebuild trust. Trust is not something that occurs simply because you want it. You can’t simply rely on affirmations, promises, and apologies. Trust is like a muscle that may have weakened or atrophied over time, and it may require a lot of work to rebuild it—with no guarantees that the work will pay off. And it’s not simply one person doing the work. It’s something that you must work on together.

I want to start with a question that may seem unnecessary to you. That question is, “What are the advantages of rebuilding trust and what are the disadvantages of rebuilding trust?” You and your partner might talk about the pros and cons.

Advantages to Rebuilding Trust

It might feel nice to have regained trust, but let’s not be naïve about this. Don’t be blithe about a betrayal. I recognize how significant that can be for anyone. We don’t know yet how your trust can be regained in the relationship. So it may be something that you need a wait-and-see attitude about. And waiting may be painful.

Disadvantages to Rebuilding Trust

You might think, “If I was betrayed once, I would be a fool to allow myself to trust that person again.” This is a perfectly legitimate response and something that you might want to consider. If you were the one who was betrayed, you are going to think that you don’t want to make yourself vulnerable again. However, you might balance this against your desire to continue—and even improve—the relationship.

If you are the one who engaged in the infidelity, then you need to think about what compromises and changes you are willing to make to rebuild trust. You can’t simply say to your partner, “I am sorry I did what I did, so trust me again.” You may sincerely believe what you are saying, but that’s not going to be very convincing. Trust is something that is regained by proven actions, which means that you may have to make some changes that you will not like. So to regain trust, you need to both work on it and be honest about your mixed feelings about working on it.

Some people say, “How can I work on a relationship if I distrust my partner?” This is a perfectly legitimate and natural thought. But the two things are not mutually exclusive. You can work on better communication, more rewarding experiences for the two of you, solving problems together, setting positive goals that you work on, while simultaneously acknowledging your lack of total trust. By accepting that for now you are distrustful, you can carry this along with you while you work at rebuilding the positive things in your relationship.

Developing Ground Rules

Let’s assume for a moment you have decided that you want to rebuild trust. This may mean that you need to develop some ground rules about what you share and describe to each other. For example, one man told me he would have secret meetings, lunches, dinners, and drinks with his former girlfriends—without telling the woman he was living with about these side adventures. He claimed that the girlfriends were still friends of his, and that these meetings really meant nothing about his current relationship. However, his live-in partner, who wanted to get married and have a child with him, felt betrayed when she found out about one of his secret meetings.

They decided that they would establish this ground rule: no future secretive meetings. He would disclose any plan to meet an ex-girlfriend or friend, and he would describe the whole event to her. Initially he was resistant because he wanted to keep his options open, enjoyed the flirtations, and also viewed himself as independent. He did not like the idea of having to answer to anyone. I suggested to him that if he was going to be part of a couple, then he could not simply think like an individual who was a completely free agent. He needed to think about how his behavior would be viewed, in terms of trust. If he was hiding these meetings from his partner, then he was being secretive, which would erode any trust. I offered my observation that many people think that they can compartmentalize their lives, have secret rendezvous with other people, and keep this separate from their primary relationship. But doing this causes a great deal of stress in the long term, and often eventually ends in a major crisis when these side adventures are discovered by the primary partner.

My recommendation was: keep things simple. I suggested that while the temptation to have these flirtatious meetings might yield short-term gratification for an hour or so of pleasure, and some short-term ego boosting, the long-term costs might be more long-lasting and severe. He would need to weigh the pleasure of the flirtation against the risk of hurting his partner and endangering his relationship. The question was: “Is it worth it?”

Trust is something that requires time and work—it is built slowly. Improving through communication, positive experiences, and shared activities helps build trust. But it will not happen overnight.

And trust is something that needs to be protected. I ask people, “What are you going to do today to protect the trust that you and your partner have with each other?” When we look at the relationship as our thing rather than what I want at the moment, we build trust. This is because by making decisions based on what is good for the relationship, and not simply on the basis of what I want or what is good for me in the present moment, we can rebuild trust and a relationship. Thinking about the relationship as valued and something that you want to protect is the best way to preserve it. When building trust, you might think, “How will this action or this decision affect how my partner will feel or how she will trust me?” Trust is a goal, not simply an accidental consequence that you hope occurs. Trust doesn’t just happen.

Listening to Your Partner

If you do want your partner to tell you about what they are doing, or planning on doing, you also need to think about how you respond to them. For example, if you want your partner to tell you about people that he interacts with in the office, or at social gatherings, you need to be willing to listen to what he says without attacking him.

Roger was very jealous of Sandra’s business associates and he would question her about her interactions with them. She was understandably defensive and did not want to be interrogated. In the course of a number of months of arguments, she finally did disclose that on a business trip she had gotten drunk and had been sexually intimate with one of her business associates. This enraged and demoralized Roger. Roger told me that this proved that he was completely right about his jealousy.

Understandably, Roger grew even more jealous and anxious after the betrayal was disclosed. However, this turned out to be a turning point in the relationship. Sandra told him that she was going through a midlife crisis, that she felt she was becoming less attractive, and that her self-esteem had declined in recent months. Over the prior year, with all the arguments and interrogations with Roger, she had become more distant from him. She said she knew that what she did was wrong, she felt very guilty, and she felt bad about letting Roger down because he deserved better treatment. So rather than break up, they used this as the turning point—the crisis that would open a new door. They decided to work on the relationship and rebuild some of the qualities that had brought them together in the first place. They loved their children, they also enjoyed doing things together, and both of them realized that their sexual relationship needed to be renewed and restored.

I discussed with Roger that, if he and Sandra were going to rebuild trust, then he would need to respond to her in a different way when she disclosed interactions with business associates. After all, she was in the business world, so her life involved travel and a lot of male coworkers. If he wanted Sandra to tell him that a man had been flirtatious, or that she had met with a man for a business meeting, he would be wise not to attack her or become hostile toward her when she was simply disclosing things that she was doing as part of her work. I also indicated to him that just as he felt his wife was attractive, other men would also think of her that way. It might be natural to expect that they will try to flirt with her—but it didn’t mean that she was going to be unfaithful. Because he wanted her to trust him and tell him about her interactions, he needed to listen more patiently to what she said. He would have to listen if he wanted her to talk.

Listening respectfully to your partner does not mean that you don’t feel jealous while you are listening. You can have a feeling without accusing your partner or attacking them. Your feelings can be experiences inside you. You can also come to an agreement with your partner where you can say, “When you tell me about this, I feel jealous,” without accusing your partner of wrongdoing. The two of you decide what behaviors are acceptable—but if you want your partner to talk to you about what he or she is doing, you must listen in a manner that is respectful. Trust works both ways, for the one talking and the one listening.

Focus on Common Goals

One way of building trust is to focus on common goals. Rather than focusing on the conflict or the betrayal (which you will be thinking about, no matter what), you can focus on specific values and goals that you share. This can include being good parents, making plans together, and sharing activities. Start to think of yourselves as a team of two rather than thinking of yourselves as adversaries.

I remember one couple who focused on what they disagreed about, and then would argue and defend themselves to no avail. I suggested that they identify some common goals—even if they just thought up some simple activities. I asked the wife and husband to write down some activities that each would like to share with the other. When they had finished their individual lists, I wrote both on the blackboard. Of course there were some activities that they did not share a common interest in (like watching football games on TV), but there were some activities that they would be willing to share. So they negotiated common ground. They started by planning to act on some of these common goals, and then to see how things went. Much to their surprise, they had a lot in common once they could agree that they could accept what they did not have in common.

Another couple who had gone through the crisis of infidelity realized that they had the welfare of their three children in common. So I suggested that we work on what they could agree on to make the lives of their children better. They discussed making agreements about discipline, rewards, study time, and playdates with other kids. They discussed plans for summer camp and which camp would be best for their daughters. We eventually focused on the kinds of values and traits that they wanted their daughters to have—such as compassion, kindness, self-control, integrity, and cooperativeness. This then led to a discussion of how they could both model these qualities for their children. As they recognized and worked toward a common goal, they began to build more trust for each other, recognizing that they needed each other to be better parents. By sharing values and goals, they began to move beyond the disappointments and resentments of the past.

This final chapter could have made up the contents of a book alone, but that would be far beyond the scope of what this book is about—jealousy. My purpose has been to demonstrate that jealousy is sometimes a justified and healthy response, and may be an adaptive first response to the violation of trust. But we can also think of jealousy as the first step in a longer process of developing motivation to change your relationship, ground rules for building trust, skills for being a better listener, a view of the relationship as our thing rather than my way, and a bond through common goals and values. It would be naïve to think that this process will be easy, but it is not impossible. Only you and your partner can determine what is possible for both of you and it might require a lot of patience and difficult work to come to that realization.