This book may seem like a long journey into the emotional recesses of jealousy. Rather than viewing jealousy in simplistic terms, as low self-esteem or unrealistic demands, I have chosen to explore with you the universality of jealousy—in infants, animals, and throughout history—and to describe its evolutionary adaptiveness. Jealousy is related to “parental investment” and protecting our interests in passing on our genes. It is related to the natural tendency to protect our interests with family, friends, and colleagues. As Saint Augustine observed, “He who is without jealousy has never loved.” It is the emotion that can plague you, drive friends apart, and disintegrate families. It is the stuff of songs, sagas, tragedies, and poems.
It is a strong, and sometimes dangerous, emotion that deserves respectful consideration. My hope is that you can see that you are not alone in your jealousy. You can also understand that it is important to validate the difficulty of experiencing jealousy because it reflects painful, and often confusing, emotions of love, fear, and even hate about the person most central in your life. Part of this validation is directing compassion toward yourself while experiencing the storm of jealous emotions and, where possible, feeling compassion toward your partner. This is understandably difficult and may feel impossible at times, but it is something to think about, aim for, and even struggle to embrace.
You have learned about the difference between the thoughts underlying jealousy (“My partner is interested in her”) and the feelings that result from these thoughts (anger, anxiety, resentment). And you have learned that it is possible to have jealous thoughts and feelings, but choose whether you take action. Sometimes realizing that you can have a feeling, but still have a choice, can be liberating. You don’t have to hold on to the rope that pulls you in another direction.
We have seen that, once the mind and heart are hijacked by jealousy, you may find yourself overwhelmed with the feelings—and then act in ways that you hope will end your pain. But the actions that we take when we feel jealous may be more detrimental to our interests than the feelings we experience. These actions, which I view as strategies, comprise a wide range of behaviors that we think will control what is happening and put an end to our torment. They include interrogating, checking, looking for clues, reassurance-seeking, spying, stalking, undermining the confidence of our partners, threatening to leave, and withdrawing. As much as these strategies may seem to make sense emotionally at the time of intense feeling, each of them carries the risk of perpetuating what we most fear—the dissolution of the relationship. Perhaps there are better ways.
Certainly all of us have a right to our feelings, and feeling jealous is so widespread that you will realize that you are not alone. The issue to work with is how the Jealousy Hijack results in rumination, worry, depression, and intense relationship conflict. It’s more about how to moderate the consequences of the feelings. We have seen that it might be helpful—although difficult—to step back from the jealous thoughts and feelings, while accepting that you have these experiences. Stepping back can allow us to make room for the feelings, to live alongside of what we think and feel, without being controlled by our experiences. This mindful detachment and acceptance doesn’t mean that we are saying it is okay that partners may or may not be doing what we suspect. Rather, it means that we acknowledge thoughts and feelings, without taking the actions that might jeopardize our interests.
When we step back, we can also momentarily reflect on the reasonableness and rationality of what we are thinking. As we are often hijacked by mindreading what our partner desires or fortunetelling a disastrous outcome, we can evaluate whether the evidence really supports what our thoughts seem to tell us. Sometimes we are biased and focused on a particular way of seeing things—and sometimes we may be right. But the intensity of our emotion is no indication of the validity of our beliefs. It may be worth standing back and evaluating. We often don’t really know what the facts are.
We have also seen that we may have rules and assumptions that feed our jealousy, which are often based on perfectionistic beliefs about love, commitment, and relationships. Some of this may reflect a view that our partner should never find someone attractive, or the belief that the past our partner had is a threat to the present. Driven by these perfectionistic beliefs, we often suffer more than we need to. Reality is not based on purity or perfection; it reflects that we are all fallen angels, all in need of improvement, all seeking understanding and—if necessary—forgiveness. Everyone has a past, including you, but it is the present and future that will matter most.
When we talk to our partners about our jealousy, we need to keep in mind that both of us want to feel respected, both of us want to feel trusted. It’s natural to want to lash out with rage, labels, and accusations—and it may be that our partner has fallen short, is hiding something, or has betrayed our trust. But it also may be the case that respectful discussion about different views of what is happening may help clarify guidelines for building trust in the future.
As you may realize, now that you have read through this book, there are many ways to look at your jealous thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. There are many metaphors that you can use and responses that you can have. There is no one-size-fits-all program for handling jealousy, because you are unique and your relationship is unique—and always in flow. We often hope when we get involved in a new relationship that it will be perfect, there won’t be any roadblocks, detours, or head-on collisions, but life that is fully lived is also filled with disappointments. We are all fallen angels at times.
None of us is without fault, without need for growth. All relationships, it seems, are filled with unfinished business. I like the metaphor of the relationship room, which is where we can imagine both partners living in a crowded room, filled with memories and an ever-changing landscape. It is your room, together. Making room for the jealousy can allow the two of you to live together. You don’t always have to walk out the door.