part0011

R ather than focusing on what we’re doing in our sexual fantasies, this chapter will focus on who we’re doing, as well as how we see ourselves. We’ll first consider how Americans describe their ideal sex partner. What kinds of body and genital characteristics does this person have? And how are these preferences shaped by our gender, sexual orientation, race, personality, and porn-use habits? As you’ll soon see, the bodies we tend to picture in our fantasies say a lot about us—and our culture.

Next, we’ll talk about the specific people who appear in our fantasies. How often do we fantasize about our romantic partners as opposed to celebrities, porn stars, politicians, and superheroes? Which famous faces are most likely to appear in our fantasies? And does it matter who we’re fantasizing about, anyway? Yes—it turns out that the people who populate our fantasies say something important about the way our current sex lives and relationships are going.

Last, we’ll explore the ways in which we change ourselves in our fantasies. How many of us alter our body, personality, or age? Do men and women change themselves in similar or different ways when they fantasize? And what does it say about us if there’s a big discrepancy between our fantasy selves and our actual selves? Quite a lot, as you’ll see.

In order to fully appreciate the significance of what our fantasy partners look like, we first need to establish a reference point. So let’s take a peek at what the body of the typical American looks like. The average adult man is five feet nine inches tall and weighs 196 pounds. 1 His body mass index (BMI)—a ratio of height to weight that’s commonly used to determine whether someone is under- or overweight—is 28.7, a figure that puts him squarely in the “overweight” category (a “normal” BMI is generally considered to be between 18.5 and 25). Likewise, the average adult woman is five feet four inches tall and weighs 169 pounds. 2 Her BMI is 29.2, which means that she’s also overweight according to medical standards.

So how do our fantasy partners’ body proportions compare to those of the average American?

The straight women who took my survey described the men in their fantasies as tall and hunky: on average, they were six feet tall and weighed 182 pounds. This translates to a BMI of 24.7, a number that would fall into the “normal” category. In other words, the guys walking around in women’s heads are far taller and fitter than they are in reality. Indeed, a guy who is six feet tall would be in the 85th percentile for height, which further highlights just how far from average these fantasy dudes are! To be clear, however, while women are largely fantasizing about tall men with athletic bodies, they don’t necessarily want guys who are overly built—less than one in ten women described the men in their fantasies as “very muscular,” meaning they’re not usually picturing the muscle-bound hunks we see so often on cinema screens.

Women describe their typical fantasy partners as, in addition to being fit, having brown or black hair. They also say he’s done a bit of manscaping but hasn’t removed all of his body hair. Just 4 percent said they prefer a man who shaves his entire body, while 3 percent said they prefer a guy who does no trimming at all. As far as his pubic hair grooming is concerned, the numbers were similar, with most imagining a guy who keeps things under control but hasn’t removed everything.

Women also fantasize about men who are more well-endowed than average. The guys in women’s fantasies have an average erect penis length of 6.9 inches. By contrast, studies suggest that the average erect penis length in the real world is just over 5 inches. 3 However, asking women to report inches desired in the abstract is likely to generate overestimates. I say this because in a study where women were given a series of life-size penis models and asked to pick out their ideal, the average model selected was closer to 6 inches. 4 Either way, however, these numbers suggest that straight women think the optimal penis is a little larger than average. Most women also said that they primarily fantasize about circumcised men (just one in ten fantasize only about uncircumcised guys). This isn’t surprising in light of the fact that most men in the United States have had their foreskin removed, so that’s probably what American women are used to seeing.

To sum it up, straight women in America tend to fantasize about tall, dark, and handsome guys with larger-than-average penises who are “metrosexuals” in the sense that they do some regular body and pubic hair grooming.

So how do heterosexual men picture their fantasy woman? In terms of height, they fantasize about women who are five feet five inches tall, which is only one inch taller than the average American woman. This tells us not only that guys’ height preferences are grounded in reality but also that men tend to be drawn to women who are shorter than they are. Weight is another story, though. The women in men’s fantasies weigh just 131 pounds on average—that’s only about 75 percent of what women in the real world weigh. These fantasy women have a BMI of 21.8, which is at the low end of normal; however, it’s not exactly in the supermodel-thin category. For comparison purposes, the average female supermodel weighs just 118 pounds, but she’s also six inches taller than the average American woman, giving her a very underweight BMI of 16.9. 5 So when you factor in both desired height and desired weight, the women in men’s fantasies are somewhere in between supermodel and average—they’re very close to average in terms of height and closer to supermodel than average in terms of weight.

While we’ve all heard that “gentlemen prefer blondes,” just one-quarter of men said their fantasy woman has golden hair. Twice as many said that she’s a brunette. In addition, these fantasy women don’t have any body hair and their pubic hair is either completely gone or there’s only a very small amount present, such as a so-called landing strip. Just 3 percent of the straight men who took my survey expressed a desire for a full bush, meaning no pubic hair removal at all.

Admittedly, there isn’t a great way to capture the size of the breasts that men fantasize about because guys don’t tend to think about their desired bust size in terms of inches and they don’t have much experience guesstimating this. So what I ended up doing instead was asking them to choose the bra cup size that most closely matches the size of the breasts they fantasize about on a scale ranging from AA (labeled as “very small”) to DDD+ (labeled as “very large”), with C being right in the middle. On average, guys said that their fantasy woman has between a C and a D cup. Again, this is a rather crude measurement, but it at least tells us that guys aren’t fantasizing about jumbo boobs; however, they do seem to be picturing something that’s larger than average, given that most men selected a choice that was above the midpoint of the scale.

In sum, what all of this tells us is that straight men in America aren’t exactly fantasizing about blonde bombshells. Instead, most of them are fantasizing about brunette women of average height who have a normal—but not underweight—BMI, are virtually hair-free, and have an ample bosom.

The ladies that lesbian and bisexual women fantasized about weren’t that far off from the fantasies of heterosexual men in terms of their body proportions—they were identical in terms of height and pretty similar in terms of weight. The main difference was that lesbian and bisexual women said their fantasy partners weighed about ten pounds more than heterosexual men’s ideal. Even so, this means that lesbian and bisexual women are fantasizing about partners who weigh twenty-nine pounds less than the average American woman.

The other characteristics of lesbian and bisexual women’s fantasy partners were remarkably similar to those of heterosexual men’s, including a strong preference for brunettes over blondes, no body hair, minimal pubic hair (just 2 percent said they fantasize about partners with a full bush), and slightly larger than average breasts.

Likewise, the men that gay and bisexual guys fantasize about share a lot in common with the men in straight women’s fantasies. They both picture partners who are a couple inches taller than average and who weigh a bit less than the average guy. However, gay and bisexual men had even stricter standards for weight: their fantasy partners weighed eight pounds less than heterosexual women’s. Also, just like straight women, less than one in ten gay and bisexual guys said their fantasy partner is “very muscular”—so, again, the overriding preference is for men who are athletic, not muscle-bound.

As for other body characteristics, gay and bisexual men also expressed a preference for brunettes who manscape. Most reported fantasizing about guys who had at least some body and pubic hair, though compared to straight women, they were more likely to fantasize about completely hairless partners.

Gay and bisexual men’s fantasy partners also had above-average penises—7.1 inches in length, to be exact. In addition, while a preference for circumcised penises emerged overall, it wasn’t quite as pronounced among gay and bi men as it was among heterosexual women.

In short, what we’re seeing here is that, by and large, straight women and gay/bi men have male fantasy partners who are fairly interchangeable—and the same could be said for the female fantasy partners of straight men, lesbians, and bisexual women. The main difference is that, regardless of sexual orientation, men are just a little more demanding when it comes to weight than are women.

I found that white people fantasized predominately about other whites. Only about a quarter of them said their fantasy partner was of another race. However, no other racial group showed such a strong same-race preference in their fantasies. For example, Asians predominately fantasized about whites—and this was especially true for straight Asian women and gay Asian men, of whom 75–80 percent said their fantasy partners were white. By contrast, blacks were not fantasizing about whites for the most part (only about one in three were)—but they weren’t necessarily fantasizing about other blacks, either. In fact, their fantasy partners were not predominately of a single race. As for Hispanics, they were somewhere in between in terms of their racial preferences, with just over half describing their fantasy partners as white and the remainder reporting a variety of other races. So, like Asians, Hispanics also showed an out-group preference, though it wasn’t quite as pronounced.

What all of this suggests is that our racial and cultural background—as well as our beliefs and stereotypes about race more broadly—seem to be baked into our sexual fantasies to some degree. In the United States, whites have historically held the most social and political power, and as a result, they have been the ones who have established the cultural standards when it comes to what is beautiful and sexy. The net effect of this is that it has created a racial hierarchy in the United States when it comes to sex appeal in which whites are at the top and are seen as the most sexually desirable. Within this hierarchy, blacks and Hispanics are somewhere in the middle while Asians are at the bottom. The primary distinction between these groups is that blacks and Hispanics are viewed through a sexualized lens, whereas Asians are not. For example, in the media, blacks and Hispanics are often portrayed as hypersexual or as good lovers. And if they’re male, they’re stereotyped as having large penises. By contrast, Asians—and especially Asian men—tend to be seen as asexual. Also, Asian guys are stereotyped as having small penises.

My survey results suggest that racial minorities have internalized these stereotypes and this cultural standard of beauty to at least some degree in that—unlike whites—none of them were fantasizing primarily about people of their own race. Asian Americans in particular seem to be most affected by this sex-appeal hierarchy in the sense that they were the least likely to be attracted to persons of their own race and, instead, showed an overwhelming attraction toward whites. This suggests the rather disturbing conclusion that institutionalized racism may carry over into our fantasy worlds in ways that we aren’t necessarily consciously aware of.

In terms of personality, sensation-seeking tendencies play a big role. What we’re talking about here are people who enjoy thrilling and risky sexual activities. Sensation seekers require heightened levels of stimulation in order to achieve the same highs that others do, and there’s actually a biological reason for this: they have a receptor deficiency in the brain that makes them less responsive to dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved in feelings of pleasure. 6 I found that, regardless of their gender, sensation seekers who are attracted to women fantasize about partners with larger breasts, while sensation seekers who are attracted to men fantasize about partners with bigger penises. The same pattern of associations emerged among people who are erotophilic, meaning they hold very positive attitudes toward sex. So, for people who really like sex and/or need an extra boost of stimulation to get off, bigger breasts and penises are just what the doctor ordered.

Also, for both straight women and gay men, being extraverted—that is, being sociable and outgoing—was linked to fantasies about larger penises. In addition, for straight women only, being neurotic—that is, having more emotional instability—was linked to fantasies about smaller penises. I suspect that both of these associations can be explained by the fact that extraverts are more drawn to sexual novelty, whereas neurotics tend to be put off by novelty. Big penises are indeed a novelty in the sense that most penises tend to fall within a pretty narrow range in terms of size.

Interestingly, Americans’ political affiliations also have implications for the body features—particularly the penises—that appear in their fantasies. I found that among men and women, both gay and straight, Republicans were more likely to fantasize about larger penises than Democrats. Why is that? One way to interpret this is that it’s simply another extension of Republicans’ greater interest in sexual novelties and taboos. However, another possibility is that the penis symbolizes something different for Democrats and Republicans, perhaps that Republicans are more likely to see the penis as a symbol of power or toughness. Then presidential candidate Donald Trump epitomized this idea during one of the televised Republican primary debates in 2016. After being mocked by Senator Marco Rubio for having small hands, Trump replied: “Look at those hands, are they small hands?” After raising his hands for the world to see, he continued: “And, he referred to my hands—‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.” 7 After being elected, Trump reiterated his apparent belief in the importance of size by bragging on Twitter about how his nuclear button is “much bigger & more powerful” than that of Kim Jong Un, the leader of North Korea. 8

Finally, our porn-use habits are also linked to the bodies that appear in our sexual fantasies. For example, among heterosexual women, those who watched more porn tended to fantasize about male partners with less pubic hair and larger penises. Likewise, among heterosexual men as well as lesbian and bisexual women, those who watched more porn fantasized about female partners with larger breasts. We know there’s a major selection effect for body type when it comes to pornography: actresses tend to have larger-than-average busts, actors tend to have bigger-than-average penises, and everyone has far less pubic hair than they do in the real world. My data are consistent with the idea that watching more porn and therefore seeing more breasts and genitals of this kind could potentially shape the type of bodies we find optimally attractive; however, they don’t necessarily rule out the possibility that people who are more drawn to big boobs and penises just watch more porn in the first place.

Interestingly, it turned out that gay and bisexual men’s porn-use habits had no association with their penis size and pubic hair preferences. This could be because porn use is more ubiquitous among gay and bisexual men and, therefore, has more broadly shaped preferences in this community. This explanation makes sense in light of data suggesting that gay men do use more porn than anyone else, which is thought to be due to the fact that porn is more widely accepted and tolerated in gay men’s relationships than it is in heterosexual relationships. 9 At the same time, though, the lack of an association here could also be because gay and bisexual men’s genital preferences are being driven by something independent of porn, such as the fact that large genitals were celebrated and sought after in the gay community long before the rise of online porn.

With all of that said, my overall take on the link between porn use and fantasy content is that porn both shapes and reflects our fantasies. As direct evidence that porn shapes our fantasies, consider this: when I asked my participants where they think their favorite fantasy of all time comes from, 16 percent said that it directly stemmed from something they saw in porn. It makes sense that this would happen because of something psychologists refer to as the mere exposure effect. 10 This is a well-established finding that refers to the idea that the more familiarity we have with something, the more we come to like it—or rather, in the case of porn, the more we like to come to it. Mere exposure doesn’t work for everything, though—it only works in cases where our initial reaction is near neutral. So, for example, if you were to watch some type of fetish porn and have a very negative reaction to it, watching it again probably isn’t going to make you like it any more. But if it didn’t turn you off at first, repeated exposure just might result in more arousal over time.

However, while porn undeniably shapes our fantasies, more often than not it simply reflects our interests, serving as a way for us to vicariously act them out. When I asked my participants whether they had ever searched for porn that depicts their favorite fantasy, fully 81 percent said they had done so. So porn is both a cause of and an outlet for our sexual fantasies—however, it seems to serve the latter role far more often, which makes sense when you consider that most people search for the same thing over and over when it comes to porn. It’s only when people happen to start watching a different genre of porn that there’s the potential for a new interest to set in—but, again, only if that new genre initially provokes a near-neutral response.

According to my survey data, if there’s one specific person who’s likely to appear in your sexual fantasies, it’s your current romantic partner. Nine in ten of my participants said they’d fantasized about a current partner before, and just over half (51 percent) said they do this often. No one else comes close. For example, just two-thirds said they had ever fantasized about a celebrity, less than half had fantasized about a specific porn star, and just one in ten had fantasized about a specific politician. What’s more, less than 7 percent said they fantasize about celebrities, porn stars, or politicians often. In other words, famous people seem to make pretty infrequent guest appearances in our fantasies.

This tendency to fantasize about romantic partners more than anyone else seems to be true for people of all genders and sexualities, though I found that gay men were a little less likely to say they do this often than everyone else. There’s a very good reason why our partners in the real world are our most common partners in fantasy, and it’s because our fantasies often include a strong emotional component. The vast majority of both men and women rarely fantasize about emotionless sex. So, most of the time, we aren’t envisioning a basic, mechanical sex act; rather, we also fantasize about how we would feel during that sex act (e.g., desired, competent, loved). And because it’s simply much easier to experience these feelings with someone you know well than with a complete stranger, we disproportionately fantasize about our partners. This rationale helps to explain why I found that women—regardless of sexual orientation—were less likely than men to fantasize about the rich and famous but more likely to fantasize about their current partners. Because women are more likely to have emotion-based fantasies than men, it only makes sense that women’s fantasies would focus more on known rather than unknown partners.

With all of that said, when a guest star does make an appearance in our fantasies, who does it tend to be? For straight women, the most fantasized-about celebrities were—in order—Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling, and Adam Levine. It’s not surprising that Tatum topped this list because his body measurements happen to match up almost exactly with what women said they wanted: he’s reportedly six foot one and 183 pounds, just one inch taller and one pound heavier than the average fantasy man described by straight women! 11 He is literally the ultimate female fantasy come to life.

As for straight men, their most fantasized-about celebrities were—in order—Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Lawrence. Johansson’s body dimensions are, not surprisingly, very close to what straight men described as their ideal fantasy partner: she’s reportedly five foot three and weighs 126 pounds, two inches shorter and five pounds lighter than the average fantasy woman described by straight guys. 12

Which celebrities do Americans with same-sex attractions fantasize about? Among lesbian and bi women, Scarlett Johansson came in first. For those who also fantasized about men, Channing Tatum was their preferred partner. Second place on both of these lists went to more androgynous celebs than those straight folks fantasized about: Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. Thus, compared to heterosexuals, it seems that lesbian and bisexual women have a bit more of an attraction to people who aren’t quite as sex-typed (that is, celebrities who aren’t ultrafeminine or ultramasculine).

As for gay and bisexual men, Zac Efron and Jake Gyllenhaal topped the list, with Channing Tatum coming in third. For those who also fantasized about women, Scarlett Johansson placed first. The fact that gay and bisexual men preferred Efron makes sense when you consider that he’s a bit shorter and lighter than Tatum, which is in line with the slight differences noted in gay men’s and straight women’s descriptions of their fantasy man’s body proportions. It’s also worth noting that Tatum is eight years older than Efron; there’s a lot of research out there to suggest that straight women tend to be into guys who are a little older than they are, whereas gay men tend to be into guys who are a little younger. 13 So it’s the combination of these minor differences in age and body type preferences that probably account for who came in at the top of the list. However, for the most part, both straight women and gay men mentioned the same names, which means that they largely find the same guys appealing.

Few straight women said they fantasized about specific porn actors, but when they did, James Deen and “I don’t know their names” topped the list. Straight women watch the least porn of anyone, and it seems that they’re not particularly invested when it comes to who appears on screen. This is likely because, as I’ve already pointed out, most porn is made by men, for men, so perhaps women just don’t find it or the performers all that interesting. By contrast, straight men were much more likely to have fantasies about specific porn stars, and unlike the frequent “I don’t know”s written in by straight women, a ton of names were generated by men. However, the three most-mentioned names were Sasha Grey, Gianna Michaels, and Jenna Jameson. It seems that male viewers—primarily straight male viewers—tend to develop more of a connection with or take more of an interest in their favorite porn stars.

Lesbian and bisexual women fantasized about the same female and male porn stars as their heterosexual counterparts, though they generated more porn stars’ names than did straight women (probably because they watch more porn). Gay and bisexual men also had no problem generating names of porn stars they’d fantasized about, with the infamous Brent Corrigan being the most commonly mentioned name by far. (Corrigan was underage according to federal law—seventeen—when he began his lengthy career in adult films. He later became so popular that rival filmmakers murdered the director with whom he was contracted so that they could start making movies of their own with him. 14 ) Compared to heterosexual guys, bisexual men were more likely to mention names of women who had appeared in dominatrix porn, like Stoya. This is another case where we see sexual minorities taking more of an interest in famous people who aren’t quite as sex-typed in terms of their appearance and/or behavior, which is probably a reflection of the fact that—as discussed previously—nonheterosexuals fantasize more often about gender-bending.

Hardly anyone of any gender or sexual orientation group said they fantasized about politicians, but among those who did—and it was primarily straight people—there was an interesting gender difference: women were far more likely to say they fantasized about Democrats (think former presidents Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, and JFK), while men were far more likely to say they fantasized about Republicans (think Sarah Palin). However, digging a little further into these data, I found that Palin accounted for two-thirds of men’s entries, and no other names were mentioned more than a couple of times. So it’s not that men are necessarily drawn to Republicans—some straight guys just have a thing for Sarah Palin. Also, it seems that when women are into politicians, they’re primarily into presidents, but only the ones who are young and physically attractive (like Obama and JFK) or who have some type of sexual reputation (like Clinton and, again, JFK). So it’s not that being a Democrat inherently turns women on—it’s just that Democratic presidents to date have tended to have more of the traits that some women find to be arousing than Republican presidents. So that you have some context for these political findings, my data were collected during the second Obama administration.

It’s also worth mentioning that the people who appear in our fantasies aren’t always real—sometimes, they’re fictional characters. For example, many of my participants reported fantasizing about superheroes and comic book characters. Among straight women, Batman was—by far—the most fantasized-about hero. By contrast, Batman held little appeal for gay men, who instead favored Superman and Captain America. I suspect this discrepancy is partially explained by the fact that Batman is portrayed in the comics and movies as more of a womanizer than your typical hero (rumors of a gay relationship with Robin notwithstanding). However, it’s probably also due to the fact that he’s confident and sexy both in and out of costume, whereas Superman is not. Superman leads more of a double life—he’s a completely different person when his alter ego, Clark Kent, emerges. Perhaps that dual identity is something gay men have an easier time relating to, given that many sexual minorities aren’t out about their sexuality to everyone in their lives. This reasoning might also explain why gay men were the most likely to fantasize about superheroes in general, given the sheer number of superheroes who have dual identities. As for both straight men and lesbian women, their most fantasized-about heroes were identical: Wonder Woman, Catwoman, and Black Widow. It’s no surprise Black Widow was among the most fantasized-about heroines, considering she is played in the movies by the most fantasized-about female celebrity, Scarlett Johansson.

One way to look at the content of our celebrity fantasies is through the lens of our evolutionary history. In fact, Scarlett Johansson and Channing Tatum are precisely the type of people scientists would argue that men and women are evolutionarily hardwired to find sexually irresistible. Let me explain.

Evolutionary psychologists believe that humans have an intrinsic motivation to reproduce and pass their genes along to future generations. To aid our reproductive efforts, nature has programmed us to be attracted to certain physical traits—traits that signify good health and fertility. These preprogrammed attractions are designed to improve our chances of successfully reproducing without our even realizing it.

For men, it is thought that they evolved an attraction to curvy women with hourglass figures because, in study after study, this is the body shape that men are most drawn to. Specifically, when men are asked to rate the attractiveness of women with various body types, the women they find to be optimally attractive have a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7, meaning their waists are 70 percent the width of their hips. 15 What is Scarlett Johansson’s waist-to-hip ratio? You guessed it—almost exactly 0.7.

Being attracted to curvy women is thought to be adaptive in that it increases the odds of producing strong and healthy children. Scientists have found that women who have smaller waists relative to their hips are healthier—not only do they have a lower risk of developing chronic health conditions, but they also live longer. In addition, curvy women are more fertile; research finds that they tend to have more children. 16 In light of this, one way to understand why so many guys are crushing on Scarlett Johansson is that she has precisely the body type that men were designed by evolution to desire.

For women, it is thought that they evolved an attraction to very masculine physical features, including square jaws, lots of muscles, and deep voices—everything that Channing Tatum has in spades. All of these characteristics are the product of exposure to higher levels of testosterone, but the significance of this is that high testosterone is linked to carrying more disease-resistant genes. As a result, women’s attraction to “manly” men is thought to be adaptive in that it may help them to conceive children with stronger immune systems—children who will therefore be more likely to survive. This attraction to masculine men is more pronounced in countries with higher mortality rates and lower life expectancies—and the United States, which happens to be one of the least-healthy industrialized nations, is also where we happen to see one of the strongest preferences for masculinity among women. 17

So, in light of our evolutionary history, the fact that we fantasize about certain celebrities on occasion—and especially celebrities like Scarlett Johansson and Channing Tatum—shouldn’t surprise anyone. But let’s say you’re someone who fantasizes about celebrities or porn stars a lot. Perhaps you fantasize about them far more than anyone else. Well, frequent celebrity fantasies are an entirely different matter and shouldn’t just be viewed as a simple product of evolution.

For example, I found that people who frequently fantasized about celebrities tended to have a more avoidant attachment style, meaning they had difficulty getting close to others. I also found that people who had these fantasies a lot tended to be less satisfied with their sex lives and relationships (by contrast, those who fantasized more about their romantic partners tended to be more satisfied). So fantasizing about the rich and famous all the time may signify intimacy issues and/or general unhappiness. However, it is not clear whether these fantasies are the cause or the symptom here. On the one hand, it seems plausible that people who are dissatisfied with their sex lives would start fantasizing about people other than their partners. On the other hand, however, it also seems plausible that fantasizing about unattainable people with perfect bodies all the time could lead to dissatisfaction with one’s own life and/or reduce intimacy. I suspect that both explanations are true to some extent, but we need more research to know for sure.

Celebrity fantasies don’t necessarily always signify trouble on the home front, though. I found that frequent celebrity and porn star fantasies were also linked to having an overactive imagination, sensation-seeking tendencies, and an unrestricted sociosexual orientation. What this means is that, in some cases, celebrity fantasies reflect nothing more than a wandering mind, the search for a little extra excitement, and/or comfort with casual sex. Findings like these are a good reminder that our fantasies—and our fantasy partners—don’t always have to have deeper meaning. As Freud is often claimed to have said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

At this point, we’re going to turn to the subject of how we see ourselves in our sexual fantasies. Regardless of both gender and sexual orientation, almost all of my survey respondents (97–98 percent) said that they appear in their own fantasies at least some of the time. However, it seems that our fantasy selves are not necessarily accurate reflections of reality—and, further, the way we change ourselves in our fantasies depends on both our gender and sexual orientation.

Let’s start by looking at how we envision our own bodies in our fantasies. It turns out that most of us have fantasized about having a different body type or shape, but some of us are more likely to do this than others. Whereas about three-quarters of women and gay men had fantasized about changing themselves in this way, fewer straight men (less than two-thirds) had. So straight guys seem to be a little less concerned than everyone else with respect to how their bodies look in their fantasies. I should also mention that, regardless of gender and sexual orientation, the more people said they currently weighed in the real world, the more likely they were to picture having a different body in their fantasies. This isn’t surprising, given all of the cultural pressures on us to be thin (if you’re female) and fit (if you’re male).

As far as genital appearance goes, the vast majority of both gay and straight men had fantasized about changing their penises in some way. By contrast, most women—regardless of sexual orientation—had not fantasized about altering their vulvas. So, overall, women were more likely than men to fantasize about changing their bodies, whereas men were more likely than women to fantasize about changing their genitals. This pattern is consistent with the broader cultural messages we hear about men’s and women’s bodies: there’s a lot of pressure on women to be thin, while there’s a lot of pressure on men to have a big bulge in their pants. However, it’s worth noting that gay men were more concerned about both their bodies and their penises compared to straight men, which is probably a reflection of the fact that there’s just more social pressure on gay men to have perfect bodies all around.

Beyond changing our bodies, many of us also fantasize about being a different age—namely, being young again. Intuitively, you might guess that women would be far more likely than men to fantasize about their youth. After all, there’s a popular stereotype that women are more hung up on their age than men. However, my data reveal precisely the opposite! Regardless of sexual orientation, it’s men who are youth obsessed in their fantasies, not women. The majority of both straight and lesbian women I surveyed had never fantasized about being younger than they are now. By contrast, most gay and straight men had done so. So why is that? My theory is that it has to do with the fact that men are much more likely than women to regret their previous sexual inactions —that is, the sexual opportunities that got away. 18 There’s thought to be an evolutionary reason for this: reproduction requires a much lower investment for men than it does for women, given that men’s part can be done in just a few minutes. (In fact, the average time from penetration to orgasm for straight men is 5.4 minutes, according to a study in which five hundred guys with stopwatches timed themselves during intercourse. 19 ) This means there are more reproductive costs for guys when they pass up potential mating opportunities. In light of this, I suspect that what men are mostly doing in these youthful fantasies is imagining themselves doing things differently in high school or college. For example, perhaps they’re thinking about someone they were intensely attracted to but were too scared to approach, and now they’re getting a do-over, so to speak. However, another possibility is that women are less likely than men to find their early sexual experiences satisfying and, consequently, tend to reflect upon them less often. This explanation makes sense when you consider that women tend to have their first experiences with orgasm later than men.

That said, while most women didn’t report fantasizing about their youth, some women were more likely to do this than others. Specifically, the more that women said they currently weighed, the more likely they were to fantasize about being young again. In this case, I suspect that the focus of these youthful fantasies isn’t really so much being younger as it is being thinner.

People don’t just fantasize about changing their looks and age, though—they also fantasize about psychological changes. Regardless of gender and sexual orientation, most of my participants had fantasized about altering their personalities in some way. Interestingly, straight men (54 percent) were the least likely to have done this, whereas gay men (70 percent) were the most likely. I suspect this is because, while there’s a lot of social pressure on men of all sexualities to be masculine because it is seen as a sexually desirable trait, gay men—on average—tend to be more gender nonconforming in their everyday lives than straight men (though, of course, there is vast individual variability—we’re talking only about average differences here). 20 As a result, gay men might feel more pressure to change their personalities in their fantasies in order to live up to some perceived masculine sexual ideal.

People can change their personalities in numerous ways, and I did not deeply probe all of the potential traits that people might want to alter about themselves because there are hundreds of ways they might do this. However, one fantasized change that I did explore was being more sexually assertive. To do this, I asked people how often they initiate sex in reality and how often they fantasize about initiating sex. For the most part, people seemed to initiate sex in fantasy as often as they did in reality—this was true for both gay and straight men, as well as lesbians. By contrast, however, straight women—the group that said they were the least likely to initiate sex in the real world—were the only group that fantasized about initiating sex far more often than they actually did. This finding makes sense in light of the sexual double standard: in the real world, straight women often fear that they will be judged for being sexually assertive because this isn’t a trait that is consistent with the traditional female gender role. As a result, straight women often hold back and let men take the lead. My survey results suggest that women aren’t content with this state of affairs and would prefer to initiate sex more often than they actually do.

As you can see, whether and how we change ourselves in our sexual fantasies is related to both our gender and sexual orientation—but it’s also related to our personalities, our mental health, and how we feel about our current relationships. Before I explain how, I should mention that, in general, fantasies in which we change ourselves are linked to having an overactive imagination, while fantasies specifically about changing our genitals are linked to sensation-seeking tendencies. What this means is that sometimes these changes don’t really have a deeper meaning—they just reflect the fact that we like to fantasize a lot or that we have a heightened need for sexual excitement. Again, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Most of the time, however, when we change ourselves in our fantasies, it’s revealing of an uncomfortable truth—that we aren’t happy with ourselves, our relationships, or our sexual desires.

Perhaps not surprisingly, I found that people who had low self-esteem—that is, people who were unhappy with themselves—were more likely to fantasize about changing their bodies and personalities. People who were introverted and neurotic fantasized more about changing themselves as well. Thus, the less confident people are in their appearance and social skills, the more likely they are to fantasize about versions of themselves that correct those perceived deficiencies, perhaps as a way of putting their minds at ease so that they can enjoy a fantasy free of anxiety.

I also found that people who were unhappy in their current relationships, who reported holding less power than their partners, who were dissatisfied with their sex lives or had sexual problems, who weren’t having sex very often, who were worried about being abandoned, and who said they have a difficult time getting close to others were more likely to fantasize about changing themselves. What all of this tells us is that, to some extent, changing oneself in a fantasy may signify that one feels inadequate, insecure, or powerless in their relationship. Just like those with low self-esteem, people with relationship insecurity tend to picture themselves in a way that will provide a buffer against further feelings of rejection.

In addition, I found that people who said their favorite fantasy of all time made them feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, anxious, or disgusted were more likely to change themselves in their sexual fantasies. This I found to be particularly fascinating because it suggests that when we have qualms about the contents of our sexual fantasies, we change ourselves in a way that will provide some degree of psychological distance. Perhaps if it’s not really you—or at least not the current version of you—that’s in the fantasy, this reduces feelings of guilt. This observation ties in with another one of my findings: Republicans and people with religious affiliations were more likely to fantasize about younger versions of themselves. We tend to see our past selves as imperfect compared to the present, so imagining a less perfect version of the self might be one way to increase comfort with fantasizing about sex acts that are threatening to the way we see ourselves now. In other words, maybe envisioning a different version of the self is a way that political and religious conservatives learn to enjoy fantasies about taboo acts with less guilt or anxiety.

In addition to fantasizing about younger versions of the self, Republicans were also more likely to fantasize about changing their genitals, which ties in with our earlier discussion about Republicans being a little more hung up on penis size than Democrats. Whether it’s their own or someone else’s, Republicans seem to be drawn to bigger penises in their fantasies.

What I hope you’ve taken away from this chapter is that when it comes to analyzing the contents of our sexual fantasies, who we fantasize about is just as important as what we fantasize about doing. The people we want as our sexual partners and what their bodies look like say a lot about us—they are products of our evolutionary history and our current cultural context, as well as our individual psychological needs. The way we see ourselves in our sexual fantasies is deeply revealing as well, reflecting how we feel about ourselves, our relationships, and our own desires. Our fantasies are so much more complex than you ever imagined. Every detail—from the activity to the setting to the people involved—is important to consider and may say something unique about us.