part0013

L et’s say you’re one of the many Americans who frequently fantasize about, say, group sex. What should you do about this? Should you confine these fantasies to your imagination, or try to make them a reality? If you decide to give it a go, how do you make that happen in a safe way that doesn’t end up hurting you, your partner, or your relationship? In this chapter, I will offer a practical, step-by-step guide to making your fantasies a part of your sex life in a way that minimizes the potential risks while maximizing the potential rewards, using insights gleaned from my survey. Along the way, we’ll consider how many Americans have acted on their sexual fantasies and what their experiences were like. We will also explore which fantasies tended to turn out the best (and worst) and look at what your personality says about your odds of having a positive experience.

Before we do that, however, we first need to step back and address two very important and fundamental questions. The first is how you decide which fantasies might be appropriate to act on and which ones should never be anything other than figments of your imagination. The truth of the matter is that just because you fantasize about something doesn’t necessarily mean it would be a good idea to act on it. Below, I will offer a few guidelines for determining which fantasies are appropriate to consider adding to your sex life and when you might need to seek professional help managing your sexual desires. The second question concerns the potential risks and rewards of acting on a sexual fantasy. If this is something you’re thinking about doing, you would be well served by educating yourself about what’s on the line here so that you can make an informed decision.

Rare and uncommon sexual desires tend to be labeled as “strange” or “weird,” and for the most part, people think such desires shouldn’t be acted upon. Why? Because we, psychologists and psychiatrists included, have long assumed that unusual desires—all unusual desires—are signs of mental illness. When someone is seen as having a mental illness, they tend to be stereotyped—incorrectly, I might add—as prone to violence, sexual and otherwise. 1 Therefore, unusual desires are thought to be inherently dangerous and the people who have them are presumed to be in need of therapy. However, this kind of thinking is all wrong.

For one thing, unusual sexual desires are not inherently signs of mental illness. Just because you desire something that’s a little different from most people, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong upstairs. It doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s a risk of danger to anyone else, either. The truth of the matter is that most uncommon sexual interests tend to be harmless, such as dressing up like an animal to have sex (or, as it’s known colloquially, being a furry). It’s also worth pointing out that just because a sexual interest is common doesn’t mean it would be healthy to act out. Indeed, there are some very common sexual interests—such as voyeurism, the desire to spy on unsuspecting others while they undress or have sex—that pose a risk of harm to others. What all of this tells us is that we need to stop judging whether sexual desires are healthy or unhealthy based only on how many people in the population have them. Instead, what we really need to do is look at sexual interests on a case-by-case basis and ask ourselves two questions that have nothing to do with how many people have them: (1) Is this sexual activity consensual or nonconsensual? And (2) does it pose an unacceptable risk of harm to one or more people that goes well beyond the usual risks of having sex?

Determining whether consent is present is usually the easier of the two questions to evaluate. Is it clear that everyone wants to participate in the act and is doing so of their own free will? If so, great. Unfortunately, however, consent may not always be obvious, such as in the case of some forced-sex fantasies. As a general rule, it’s not advisable to act out any fantasy where explicit consent is lacking. Mutual consent must be clear and unambiguous at the outset, and there also must be a mechanism for consent to be revoked during the act itself, such as a “safe word,” in case one partner becomes physically or emotionally uncomfortable.

The “unacceptable risk” question tends to be a bit murkier because different people tolerate different levels of sexual risk. People also have bodily autonomy, the right to choose what they want to do with their own bodies, sexually and otherwise. Therefore, it’s hard to draw a neat line here. However, if an activity clearly and significantly elevates the risk of harm during sex, such as extreme BDSM acts that involve cutting or electric shocks, then it’s not something I can recommend exploring in good conscience. Of course, what people ultimately decide to do with their bodies is their choice, but it’s not my place to encourage folks to act on sex fantasies where serious harm could potentially result.

Allow me to give you a few detailed examples of fantasies where consent is present and the risk is acceptable and fantasies where consent is lacking and/or the level of risk is just too high. First, let’s go back to being a furry. This is a quite uncommon sexual interest; just 1 percent of my participants said they fantasized about it often. In case this concept is new to you, what we’re talking about here is the desire to have sex while wearing a head-to-toe costume of an animal, mythical creature, maybe even a Pokémon character. I suspect this interest stems, in part, from a desire to temporarily lose one’s sense of self, because turning into someone—or something—else can help us to shed our anxieties and insecurities. When you look at it through this lens, it’s really not that different from what motivates a lot of BDSM acts. The sex that furries desire is consensual and, aside from the costumes, largely involves pretty conventional sex acts, like oral sex and vaginal intercourse (though it can give the term doggy style a whole new meaning!). In other words, everyone who is participating wants to do so, and the activities don’t appear to pose a risk of harm that goes beyond the usual risks of being sexually active. So, while the idea of dressing up in a fur costume and getting it on might sound strange to a lot of people, it’s really not something we need to be worried about because it checks the boxes of being consensual and not high-risk.

By contrast, if a person’s fantasies involve one or more nonconsenting individuals and/or there’s a high probability that engaging in the act could result in serious injury or death, this is not something you should act on. These include voyeuristic desires and fantasies about flashing (the nonconsensual kind of exhibitionism). They also include several other desires we haven’t yet considered in detail that emerged in my survey, albeit infrequently (no more than 2 percent of participants indicated fantasizing about any of these acts): (1) pedophilia, the desire to have sex with prepubescent children; (2) necrophilia, the desire to have sex with a corpse; (3) frotteurism, the desire to rub up against strangers in crowded public settings, such as on the subway; and (4) “bug chasing” and “gift giving,” the desires to intentionally contract and transmit sexually transmitted infections (most commonly HIV), respectively. It should be clear that the reason these interests all fall in the “dangerous desires” category is because they involve a nonconsenting partner (someone who is underage, cannot provide consent, or is not asked for their consent) and/or pose a significant risk to one’s own health or the health of others.

If you’ve fantasized about one of these things before, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have a mental disorder or are in need of therapy, though. My survey results suggest that it’s actually not uncommon for people to have very dark or deviant fantasies on rare occasion. Such fantasies sometimes signify nothing more than an overactive imagination—thoughts occasionally pop into our heads seemingly out of nowhere, and they may focus on things we really don’t want to think about. If you never have the fantasy again, there’s probably nothing to worry about; however, if it happens often and a nonconsensual or extremely risky act becomes your preferred fantasy content, that’s another story and an indicator that it’s time to seek help.

That said, it’s important to highlight that any sexual interest—whether it’s common or uncommon, consensual or nonconsensual, high-risk or low-risk—has the potential to become a problem if it ends up taking over someone’s life. No matter what the sexual desire is, if it becomes truly compulsive in nature, the result can be damaging. Compulsive sexual behaviors are those that people have no control over. To be clear, we’re not talking about the people who simply think their behaviors are out of control because they have moral qualms with their sexual desires—instead, we’re focusing here on the people who have legitimate difficulties regulating their sexual behavior. Compulsive sexual behaviors are highly distressing to the individual and, when practiced, don’t necessarily produce feelings of pleasure or satisfaction. For instance, imagine a man who constantly seeks oral sex partners through Tinder or other hookup apps on his phone at all hours of the day and night. He struggles to control these urges, they’re causing problems for him at work because he’s distracted, and they’re interfering with his ability to establish the kind of romantic relationship he wants. Even though this man has a very common desire that isn’t kinky or unusual at all—oral sex—it’s still causing problems in his life. This example shows why it’s important to avoid drawing sweeping conclusions about whether a given sexual desire is healthy or unhealthy based solely on its popularity. Instead, we need to look at how a given behavior is expressed and what effect it has on people.

Later in this chapter, we’re going to focus on tips for turning a fantasy into reality; however, to be perfectly clear, the only kinds of fantasies that you might want to consider acting on are those that are safe, sane, consensual, and legal. Should you have recurrent, intense urges to engage in nonconsensual activities or sex acts that would likely be harmful to you or others, you should not act on them; instead, seek professional help managing your desires. It’s also worth seeking professional help if your fantasies—no matter what they are—feel likely they’re getting out of control and are creating distress or causing problems in your everyday life.

Assuming your fantasy is an appropriate one to act on, what do you stand to gain—or lose—by turning that fantasy into reality? A heck of a lot, as it turns out. Let’s begin with the possible benefits.

The most obvious potential benefit is that you might enjoy yourself—and I mean really, really enjoy yourself. Living out a fantasy can take your arousal to a much higher level than you typically experience during sex, resulting in particularly powerful feelings of pleasure in that moment and perhaps an intense orgasm—maybe even multiple orgasms. (Contrary to popular belief, both men and women are capable of having several orgasms in close succession, though women are more likely to experience this. 2 ) And if your fantasy turns out to be everything you hope it to be, or more, it can create useful masturbation fodder for the future.

Beyond sexual enjoyment, enacting a fantasy with a current spouse or partner also has the potential to bring the two of you closer and to improve your relationship. For example, it can help both of you to fend off the Coolidge Effect and, at the same time, fulfill your self-expansion needs (the inborn drive to grow and expand the self). When the novelty of a new relationship has worn off, adding new and exciting elements to your sex life by acting on your fantasies can potentially prevent passion from subsiding and allow it to keep burning. This is precisely what research shows: the couples who engage in the most acts of sexual novelty—we’re talking about things like using sex toys, trying new positions, and watching porn together—tend to be the most sexually satisfied and the most successful at keeping passion alive. 3 You don’t necessarily need to act out new fantasies every day in order to reap these benefits either—just one shared experience can yield long-term relationship dividends because the ability to recall that experience and reminisce about it can both enhance intimacy and offer a unique way to fan the flames of desire on demand.

Another way acting out fantasies can potentially enhance relationship closeness is through building intimate communication skills and establishing mutual trust and respect. For example, if a couple wants to start experimenting with BDSM, they must not only communicate early and often about their desires and limits but also demonstrate respect for established boundaries. The more practiced partners become at this, the more trust they will place in each other and the easier it will be for them to talk about sex in the future.

Acting on our fantasies doesn’t just have the potential to improve our relationships—it also has the potential to resolve sexual problems we might be experiencing, such as difficulties staying aroused or reaching orgasm. How so? The novelty of acting out a fantasy provides a natural way of refocusing your attention during sex away from unwanted thoughts and feelings—it distracts you from what you might otherwise have been thinking about. And if you can lose yourself in the moment, odds are that you’ll be better able to maintain arousal and experience orgasm. Consistent with this idea, research has found that people who are into BDSM report less distress and fewer sexual difficulties during BDSM sex than during non-BDSM sex. 4 This suggests that acting on some of our fantasies just might be therapeutic.

To the extent that enacting our fantasies relieves our anxieties and insecurities while simultaneously revving up our libidos with a healthy dose of novelty, our overall health may also stand to benefit. How so? Research has found that frequent sexual activity is linked to a range of positive health outcomes. This makes sense because, after all, sex is a form of exercise: research has found that, on average, young men burn 101 calories during a twenty-five-minute sexual session, whereas young women burn about 69 calories. 5 However, the benefits of sex go well beyond helping us to keep our waistlines trim. Other studies have found that orgasms offer a temporary boost to the immune system. 6 Perhaps this is why those who orgasm the most tend to live the longest. 7 Not only that, but sex might be good for our brains, too: research has found that frequent sexual activity is linked to better memory. 8 To sum it up, if acting on our fantasies helps us to maintain an active sex life, science suggests that this might very well help us to stay healthy and, ultimately, live longer.

One final benefit of acting on our fantasies is that it offers the potential to increase self-understanding. Your fantasies provide the opportunity to fundamentally change the way you think about yourself, including your own gender and sexual identity. There’s a lot of social pressure on us to conform to certain gender roles—to dress, behave, and think in ways that are expected for men and women. There’s also a lot of pressure on us to adopt easy-to-understand sexual identity labels—like gay or straight—and not deviate from them at all. However, when people act on their fantasies, especially those that focus on gender-bending and sexual flexibility, they are able to free themselves from these constraints. The result can be a very liberating experience that ultimately helps people to get more comfortable in their own skin. Through this process, some may even come to find that other gender labels (e.g., androgynous, genderqueer) and/or sexual labels (e.g., sexually fluid, heteroflexible) are more accurate when it comes to capturing who they are.

At the same time, acting on our fantasies carries major risks. For one thing, it is vital to recognize that no matter how much you try to mentally prepare before acting out a fantasy, you probably won’t know exactly how you’ll feel about it until you’re in the moment. This is because people are notoriously bad at predicting their future emotional states, something psychologists refer to as affective forecasting. 9 This means that when you act on a long-desired fantasy, it’s quite possible that it could end up feeling more like a living nightmare. For instance, while you might be extremely aroused by the idea of having a threesome with your partner, you may find that actually seeing your partner having sex with someone else makes you intensely jealous: “Does my partner like him more than me?” “Is she going to leave me for that guy?” Because unanticipated and uncomfortable feelings like this might emerge, it is vital to begin by establishing the communication skills necessary to deal with any potential conflicts before going through with your fantasy.

While we have discussed a lot of ways that your relationship stands to benefit from your fantasies, there’s also a risk of harm that must be acknowledged. For example, group sex and nonmonogamy scenarios necessarily expose both you and your partner to relationship alternatives —other people with whom you could begin a romantic relationship. If one of you isn’t very committed to the relationship to begin with, exposure to these alternatives could potentially put you on a path toward breakup. 10 Also, regardless of the type of fantasy you act out, if the experience in general just doesn’t go well, there’s the potential for reduced closeness and intimacy. For example, research has found that when couples have a BDSM experience that goes poorly—things don’t quite go according to plan or someone gets hurt—some partners feel less close afterwards. 11 Again, this speaks to the importance of careful planning and communication.

Moreover, if you and your partner already have serious relationship issues, acting on your fantasies won’t necessarily make those issues go away—in fact, it could make things even worse, especially if those relationship difficulties result in a failure to plan and communicate appropriately when enacting a fantasy. If you have fundamental relationship problems, these are probably best addressed through some type of therapy or counseling, because these are not the kinds of things that can be solved simply through exploring your sexual fantasies. You and your partner need to be in a good place and approach your fantasies from a position of strength, not weakness. This is vitally important for increasing the odds of a mutually positive and pleasurable experience.

Aside from the risk of harm to the relationship, there’s also a risk to your physical health. Any fantasies that involve new partners pose a risk for contracting sexually transmitted infections (STI) because the more partners you have, the more risk you take on. Those risks can obviously be mitigated to some degree by practicing safe sex, getting tested for STIs, and communicating with your partners about infection status; however, it’s important to be mindful of these risks at the outset to ensure you take appropriate precautions. In addition, activities like BDSM—especially acts such as whipping, flogging, gagging, and applying restraints—pose a risk of injury if not performed with the utmost of care. Moreover, extreme BDSM activities have the potential to be lethal, and unfortunately, there are some documented cases of grave injury and death associated with BDSM acts gone awry. 12 Let me be perfectly clear that such outcomes are rare; however, bad things can happen if the partners don’t establish clear limits up front, if they engage in activities under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or if they use equipment they aren’t familiar with. Even with proper precautions, though, equipment can malfunction (for example, sex toys can break). This means we must recognize that we can’t control everything and be prepared to respond quickly if all doesn’t go according to plan. In short, there are health risks associated with acting on many of our fantasies, which means safety must be a priority if you choose to make your fantasies a part of your sex life.

Acting on your fantasies may also carry risks for your livelihood and for your reputation. For instance, acting out fantasies about public sex obviously poses a risk of being arrested if others see you, which could possibly lead to fines, jail time, registration as a sex offender, and/or public humiliation, among other things. In light of these potentially serious consequences, I cannot advise or encourage anyone to act on any sexual desire that violates the law.

As another example, if you decide to take photos or videos during sex, there is a risk that your images may inadvertently fall into the wrong hands. For instance, you might get hacked, you might accidentally attach the wrong file to an email or tweet, or (after a messy breakup) your photos or videos could be uploaded to a “revenge porn” website by a former partner who wants to publicly embarrass you.

Obviously, there’s a lot to think about here! But, on balance, do the risks tend to outweigh the rewards? In the case of fantasies about illegal acts and activities that pose serious safety concerns, the risks definitely have it. But what about other kinds of fantasies? Could it be the other way around? The experiences of the Americans who took my survey offer some valuable insight. Let’s take a peek at how many people said they incorporated their fantasies into their sex lives and how things turned out for them before we ultimately turn to the questions of whether acting on your own fantasies is worth considering and how you might go about it.

The vast majority of my survey respondents (79 percent) said they want to act on their favorite fantasy of all time in the future. In other words, for the most part, people want their fantasies—at least their biggest fantasies—to become part of their actual sex lives. But, as you can see, about one in five Americans are content to keep their fantasies in their heads only. This is due, in part, to the fact that 11 percent of my participants described their favorite fantasy as something that would be physically impossible to act out in real life—like becoming another person or being young again—which tells us that a big chunk of the people who don’t want to act on their fantasies just couldn’t do it no matter how much they might try. So acting on one’s fantasies isn’t always an option. And even when it is possible, some folks don’t want to act on their fantasies for a range of reasons, not the least of which is that acting on certain fantasies could potentially get you in trouble with legal or moral authorities.

However, it’s also worth noting that acting on certain types of fantasies—like those that involve forced sex—might not always be safe. Many of my participants with forced-sex fantasies explicitly said they had safety concerns about acting on them. It’s important to recognize that when sex is “forced” upon you in a fantasy, you are still in complete control of that situation. A straight female participant in her thirties summed this idea up perfectly: “The fantasy is consensual, because I am imagining exactly what happens to me.” However, whenever we act out a fantasy in the real world, we necessarily give up some control to another person—and losing that control can make acting on a forced-sex fantasy risky. This is probably why so many of my participants who had these fantasies reported they did not ever want to act them out. Many made a clear distinction between their sexual fantasies and their actual sex lives, such as this female participant in her thirties who identified as lesbian: “While I would never desire this in real life, the fantasy of being taken and ravaged appeals to me.” So, with all of that said, it’s perfectly okay if you don’t want to act on your fantasies regardless of what they are and your reasons; however, it does seem that the vast majority of people want to act on their biggest fantasies if it’s theoretically possible—and safe—to do so.

Among those who want to act on their fantasies, surprisingly few have done it before. In fact, less than one in three have made their biggest fantasy a reality, which tells us that most Americans really aren’t getting what they want when it comes to sex. What’s holding so many of us back? The biggest perceived obstacles are thinking that one’s partner would be unwilling or disapproving of the activity, not knowing how to go about it, and being afraid to try it. In other words, lack of knowledge, fear, and communication problems are at the core.

Those of us who haven’t acted on our fantasies may be missing out. The overwhelming majority of my participants who acted out their fantasies said that the end result either met or exceeded expectations (86 percent) and, further, that it had a neutral to positive impact on their relationships (91 percent). So, by and large, the outcomes of acting on our fantasies seem to be pretty good. It’s also worth mentioning that, compared to those who hadn’t acted on their fantasies, those who had reported feeling less guilt, shame, and embarrassment about their sexual desires. This suggests that acting on our fantasies may dramatically change how we feel about them (though it’s probably also true that those who feel less guilt and shame about their fantasies in the first place are more inclined to act on them).

While the overall pattern described above held when I dug deeper into the data and looked at each of the seven major fantasy themes, I couldn’t help but notice that some fantasies were more likely to have been acted upon than others and, further, that some tended to turn out a little better, too.

The types of fantasies Americans were most likely to act on involved BDSM, nonmonogamy, novelty, and passion/romance. Between one-quarter and one-third of my participants with each of these fantasies had acted on them previously. By contrast, the fantasies that were least likely to be acted on were group sex, taboo acts, and gender-bending/sexual flexibility—people were less than half as likely to act on these fantasies compared to the others. These findings are really interesting because they reveal that group sex—the single most popular fantasy in America—is actually one of the least likely fantasies to be acted on. Why is that? In part, this probably reflects the fact that, for people in relationships, it’s simply a lot easier to agree on a new toy to try out in bed or perhaps where to go on a romantic getaway than it is to agree on the terms of a threesome or orgy. Finding a third (or fourth or fifth) partner is also just inherently more challenging and intimidating than implementing many other kinds of fantasies. After all, some of us have difficulty finding just one sex partner, let alone assembling a whole group of partners at the same time.

The fantasies people were most likely to act out also happened to be the fantasies that were most likely to meet or exceed expectations. Believe it or not, nonmonogamy fantasies were most likely to meet expectations, with 92 percent of those who had acted on these fantasies saying the outcomes were at least as good or even better than they dreamed! This is likely due to the fact that practicing nonmonogamy is the ultimate solution to dealing with the habituation problem posed by the Coolidge Effect. By contrast, group sex was the least likely fantasy to meet expectations. In fact, group sex was the only one of the seven major fantasy themes for which less than half of my participants said the experience turned out better than expected. Also, compared to nonmonogamy fantasies, group-sex fantasies were more than twice as likely to fail to live up to expectations. This probably stems from the fact that most of us don’t have a script for group sex. I mean, who does what? With whom? And when? There are a lot of balls in the air, so to speak (sometimes literally). Plus, what happens afterward? Do you just go home? Do you cuddle? Do you stick around for the post-orgy buffet? There can be a bit of uncertainty when it comes to group sex, and that uncertainty sometimes gets in the way of pleasure and creates for a frustrating sexual encounter.

Of course, whether acting on a fantasy meets your expectations isn’t the only thing that matters. If you have a long-term partner, there’s also the question of how it affects your relationship. Again, the fantasies that were most likely to have been acted out and to have met expectations—BDSM, nonmonogamy, novelty, and passion—were also the ones that people said were most likely to improve their relationships. In fact, between two-thirds and three-quarters of people who had acted on these fantasies said their relationship was the better for it, which makes a lot of sense when you consider that these can all be seen as ways of spicing up a relationship in which the sex has grown somewhat dull or routine.

By contrast, the fantasies that were least likely to help and the most likely to harm a relationship were group sex and gender-bending/sexual flexibility. For the former, I suspect this is just another reflection of the fact that most of us lack a script for group-sex scenarios. For the latter, though, I would argue that this is because American society today still has a lot of hang-ups when it comes to deviations from traditional gender roles and heterosexuality. So, for example, when a married heterosexual woman indulges her husband’s cross-dressing fantasy, she might have a hard time seeing him as “manly” afterwards, or perhaps she’ll question whether he might be secretly gay. To be clear, he’s probably not gay (research has found that the vast majority of cross-dressing men are heterosexual)—but that hasn’t stopped numerous women from asking me this question over the years. 13

With all of that said, my findings suggest that, overall, acting on any consensual fantasy appears more likely to help a relationship rather than hurt it. For all seven of the major fantasy themes, a majority or plurality said it improved their relationship, while only a relatively small minority reported harm. So, while certain fantasies—especially group sex—do seem to be somewhat riskier bets when it comes to living up to expectations and improving relationships, acting on any of the seven major types of fantasies seems to have a “happy ending” more often than not.

Although most people want to act on their favorite fantasies and most who do have positive experiences, this doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone should attempt it. In fact, my data suggest that some people may be better equipped to handle the potential risks of certain fantasies than others by virtue of where they are in life and their personality type. Let’s take a look at a few of the traits and characteristics that were linked to having better or worse experiences acting on one’s sexual fantasies so that you can get some sense of whether you—and your partner—are likely well suited to adding your fantasies to your sex lives.

The single factor that was most consistently linked to positive experiences acting on one’s fantasies was being involved in a satisfying relationship. Those who had happy relationships reported better experiences enacting a wide range of fantasies, including group sex, BDSM, novelty, nonmonogamy, and passion/romance. The way I interpret these findings is that if you and your partner are going to have a good time acting on your fantasies, you need to start out on solid footing. Of course, there’s likely a bidirectional association here: being in a happy relationship probably predisposes people to better fantasy experiences, while acting on a fantasy with a partner further enhances relationship happiness.

It’s not just being happy with your relationship that matters but also the way that you tend to approach relationships more generally. Specifically, I found that people who have a more avoidant attachment style—that is, people who have a difficult time getting close to others—tend to have worse experiences acting on certain types of fantasies, especially BDSM and nonmonogamy. This makes sense because these particular fantasies require a lot of intimate communication in order to minimize the risk of someone getting hurt physically or emotionally. Likewise, I found that people who are high in attachment anxiety—that is, people who have serious abandonment issues—reported worse outcomes when it came to acting on a few of their fantasies. For example, they reported less-satisfying experiences with nonmonogamy, perhaps because this scenario is one that can easily feed jealousy and insecurity. At the same time, though, they also reported less-satisfying experiences enacting passion/romance fantasies, which tells us that it might just be really difficult to overpower chronic feelings of insecurity in virtually any sexual scenario. All in all, if you’re thinking about acting on a fantasy with a current partner, it’s important to be in a relationship where the two of you are close, confident in each other’s love, and satisfied.

In addition to feeling good about your relationship, my data indicate that feeling good about yourself is linked to more positive experiences acting on one’s fantasies. In particular, I found that higher self-esteem was linked to more enjoyment of group sex and nonmonogamy experiences. In other words, people who were confident in themselves were more likely to enjoy any type of sexual activity involving multiple partners. This may be because higher self-esteem makes it easier to approach the partners that you’re most attracted to and/or to communicate your desires to those individuals; however, it may also be because high self-esteem prevents self-defeating or other negative thoughts from entering one’s head during sex. Of course, it’s likely also the case that having a good experience acting on a fantasy further enhances one’s self-esteem.

Related to this, I found that being older was linked to more-positive experiences acting on these same fantasies but also novelty fantasies as well. I take this as another indicator of the importance of self-confidence when it comes to enacting our fantasies. I say this because our feelings of sexual competence tend to increase with age, at least to a point. It often takes a certain amount of sexual experience before people feel like they are good at sex, understand their own bodies, and learn how to cope with their sexual insecurities. This, combined with the fact that we tend to lose many of our sexual inhibitions as we get older (especially when we enter that “zero fucks” stage), suggests that the optimal time to start exploring your sex fantasies probably isn’t during your college years but rather once you’ve built up your sexual self-esteem a bit more.

People with high sex drives reported more positive outcomes when acting on a range of fantasies, including group sex, novelty, and passion/romance. Those with sensation-seeking personalities—that is, a strong need for thrilling and exciting sexual encounters—did so as well. There’s a good reason for both of these sets of findings. First, if you’re someone with sensation-seeking tendencies, odds are that you’d enjoy acting on your fantasies more than others would, because new experiences are exactly what you require to meet your heightened need for excitement. Second, having a high sex drive means that you’ll probably have an easier time staying in the mood during sexual activity. You probably won’t be too bothered if a fantasy experience doesn’t unfold exactly as you had imagined it, either. By contrast, someone with a lower sex drive needs to keep hitting the right notes and avoid anything that could potentially turn them off; otherwise, their arousal is going to drop pretty quickly. There might be a neurological reason for this, given research that finds people’s brains seem to process sexual cues in different ways. By analyzing brain-wave patterns, scientists have found that people who are more sexually active have an equally strong neurological response to both mild and potent sexual cues, whereas those who are less sexually active demonstrate a proportional response (i.e., the stronger the cue, the stronger the response). 14 The implication of this is that if you have a high sex drive, it probably doesn’t take as much to keep you stimulated during sex as it would if you had a lower libido. And because our fantasies don’t always go according to plan when we act on them—especially group sex, which doesn’t have a script—this means that you probably won’t have as hard a time enjoying the experience if you’re the type of person who is more easily stimulated.

One final characteristic linked to people’s enjoyment of acting on their sexual fantasies is the personality trait of neuroticism—which, to refresh your memory, is a tendency to have frequent mood swings and to handle stress poorly. What my data reveal is that the more neurotic people are, the less enjoyment they get from acting on their fantasies. Specifically, neurotic folks tend to have worse experiences with group sex, BDSM, nonmonogamy, and passion/romance. All of these fantasies involve doing something new and different—and trying new things in bed (or wherever it is that you like to have sex) can be stressful. For example, research has found that levels of the stress hormone cortisol increase when people are participating in BDSM activities. 15 If you’re someone who is highly reactive to stress, then trying new activities like this might not be the best idea.

In sum, what all of this tells us is that the odds that you will have a positive experience acting on your fantasies are higher to the extent that you’re someone who happens to be in a good relationship, is self-confident, has a high sex drive and/or a strong need for sexual thrills, and copes well with stress and change. The more of these boxes you check, the better the chances that reality will live up to your fantasy.

Assuming you have a sexual fantasy that is safe, sane, consensual, and legal, you’ve evaluated and accepted the potential risks and rewards of acting on it, and you’ve determined that you—and your partner—are in the right headspace to start expanding your sexual horizons, what do you do? How do you actually go about translating your fantasy into reality? In this section, we’ll consider some practical tips and guidance that will enhance the odds of having a safe and mutually satisfying experience. These guidelines are expressly designed to counter the biggest things that hold people back from acting on their fantasies in the first place: communication issues, lack of knowledge, and fear. Although no amount of planning and preparation can guarantee that things will turn out well, given all of the variables at play, the following recommendations are likely to help.

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate. I can’t stress this enough. Tell each other what you want. Talk about your own and your partner’s sexual desires in great detail, as well as your limits and boundaries, before taking any action. Of course, you can’t plan for everything because unexpected things can (and probably will) happen; however, the less guesswork you leave, the more prepared you’ll be to handle the unexpected in a healthy way. Believe it or not, some people (particularly those interested in BDSM) actually go as far as to sign contracts that clearly specify their consent and what their boundaries are before acting on their fantasies. You don’t necessarily need to draw up paperwork, though; the key is simply to develop strong communication with your partner and to agree on a set of rules that you will both do your best to respect. Remember: above all, if you’re in a relationship, you and your partner need to be in a good place before you start exploring your fantasies together.

2. Establish a safe word. No matter what fantasy you’re thinking of trying out, you should consider establishing a safe word that you and your partner can invoke should one of you start to feel uncomfortable or wish to leave. Just make sure your safe word is one that’s unambiguous and highly unlikely to otherwise emerge in sex—you know, something like Beetlejuice, Oklahoma, pineapple, or lasagna. (If all four of these words happen to come up regularly when you have sex, well, let’s just say that you’d make for a fascinating case report.)

Be very mindful of what using a safe word means—effectively, one of you is revoking your sexual consent. So if your partner utters it during a threesome or BDSM act, it’s time to stop, even though you might be enjoying yourself a lot. It’s vital that you respect the safe word in the interest of your partner’s health and well-being, not to mention the future of your relationship. Actively ignoring a safe word isn’t just a major breach of trust, but it can also be a form of sexual abuse. It’s also important to keep in mind that some people may find it very hard to utter a safe word, even when they are uncomfortable. Some people just don’t feel empowered to do so. As such, it doesn’t hurt to check in with your partner verbally from time to time (e.g., “How does this feel?” “Is that good for you?”) and attend to their nonverbal signals, such as their facial expressions, to ensure they’re still into the activity.

Evidence for the importance of safe words comes from a smaller follow-up survey of sexual fantasies I carried out in which I asked people to tell me in their own words what acting on their fantasies was like. Among those who reported negative experiences, the single biggest complaint was that their partner wasn’t as into the activity as they were—and that’s precisely why it’s important to have an exit strategy in place. At the same time, however, this also suggests that you should really try to turn your fantasy into your partner’s fantasy before acting it out. This means working carefully to address your partner’s fears and concerns and reducing their uncertainty. Among other things, this means following the next piece of advice.

3. Before you act, do some research—but make sure you consult reliable sources. In the interest of both safety and uncertainty reduction, think things through very carefully and research best practices. For example, if you plan to drip hot wax on your partner’s body as part of BDSM play, you need to think about what kind of candle you should use and how far it should be from your partner’s body to avoid burning him or her. Alternatively, let’s say you plan to experiment with nonmonogamy. You first need to think about which form you want it to take. Swinging? Cuckolding? An open relationship? Next, you need to negotiate the rules so as to minimize conflict and jealousy. There are actually a lot of books, guides, and websites out there with great information on turning your fantasies into reality, such as the book The Ethical Slut if you want to learn more about nonmonogamy; however, they aren’t all created equal. Ideally, find a research-based source written by an expert in that area, and be sure to stay away from fictionalized fantasy accounts like Fifty Shades of Grey, which may be helpful in stimulating sexual arousal but aren’t designed to be how-to guides and may contain inaccurate information.

4. Be safe! If you and your partner are going to be practicing group sex or nonmonogamy, you’ll need to take steps to protect your health by practicing safe sex with each other and with any other partners you might have. Of course, this means using condoms or other barriers, but it also means being willing to disclose instances in which you didn’t use condoms and getting tested regularly for STIs. Before you open your relationship, you might also consider getting vaccinated against HPV—a very common STI that is linked to many kinds of cancer, including cancers of the cervix, anus, and throat. This is a particularly good idea if you and your partner are young and/or haven’t previously had many sex partners because the odds are better that you haven’t been exposed to this virus. And if you’re especially concerned about HIV, talk to your doctor about whether pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP, for short) is right for you. PrEP is a daily medication that has been shown to be highly effective at reducing rates of HIV transmission. However, just keep in mind that PrEP isn’t a replacement for condoms, given that it only protects against one STI. It’s best to think of it as providing backup protection against HIV in case a condom breaks or is used improperly. In short, be sure to think carefully about any and all potential health risks and how you’re going to protect yourself—and your partner.

That said, being safe isn’t only about using STI-prevention tools like condoms (for vaginal and anal intercourse), dental dams (for oral sex), HPV vaccination, and PrEP—it also means making sure that you approach all sexual activities with care. This means not being drunk or high, to ensure that you and your partner can clearly communicate at all times and don’t miss important signals, like safe words. Being sober will also help prevent you from unintentionally blowing past your own limits or attempting a fantasy that you later regret. It’s also worth mentioning that alcohol and drugs have the potential to interfere with your ability to stay aroused and reach orgasm, which means these substances could put a serious damper on your ability to enjoy a fantasy experience.

Safety is also about avoiding sexual activities that pose a serious risk of physical harm. For example, extreme BDSM acts (known as edgeplay ) like strangulation and electric shocks go well past the point of being safe and sane. These are inherently dangerous activities that it would be advisable to avoid. Therefore, you should consider safer alternatives (in this case, milder BDSM acts) that can provide the same sexual thrills you’re after. The same goes for fantasies about illegal activities like having sex in public or spying on other people having sex—identify safe alternatives to avoid putting yourself and others in harm’s way. Those with exhibitionistic interests or fantasies about public sex, for instance, might find that they can experience a similar sense of novelty and adventure—but without risking arrest and legal consequences—by visiting a swinger’s club or attending a sex party. Likewise, those with voyeuristic desires may be able to satisfy their wants safely by joining a legal cam website or visiting strip clubs.

5. Take baby steps to whips and chains. When it comes to exploring your fantasies, go slow. Don’t jump into intense activities right away, especially if you’ve never done them before. For instance, a couple experimenting with bondage might start with one partner simply holding the other’s hands above their head or behind their back during sex, while a couple experimenting with sadomasochism might start with very light spankings or little bites on the neck. Likewise, if you’re interested in group sex, you might want to start with a group of three before diving into an orgy or gangbang; alternatively, you and your partner might test the waters by visiting a sex club or party to simply observe before you commit to participating in any group activities. Or, if novelty is your thing, you could begin by purchasing a sex toy or some sexy underwear, you could try role-playing or invent a sex game, or you could venture out to a burlesque show or strip club with your partner. If you ease into the fantasy experience, you will either find that it’s not your thing (which is good to know before you get too deep into it!) or that your inhibitions start to dissipate, thereby allowing your fantasy experience to progress to the point that you can ultimately “give yourself over to absolute pleasure,” if I may borrow a line from one of my favorite guilty-pleasure movies, The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

6. Remember that what comes after is important. Acting on a fantasy can provide a very intense experience for everyone involved. Following such an intense experience, some degree of aftercare might be in order, during which partners engage in gentle contact like cuddling and communicate or debrief about the encounter. For intense BDSM acts in particular, this is often an essential resolution because it provides an opportunity for reorientation before returning to reality. However, it can be useful following any shared sexual experiences to check in and see whether you and your partner felt the same way about it so that you can adjust and modify your rules and limits going forward, if necessary.

7. Don’t freak out if things don’t go according to plan. Let’s say you don’t like the activity as much as you thought you would, or one of you accidentally crosses a line or breaks a rule. These things don’t necessarily mean you have to give up on the fantasy—or your relationship—altogether. Trial and error may be needed in order to fine-tune your sexual likes and dislikes. And if you ultimately decide that acting on this fantasy isn’t right for you or your relationship, you can always go back to the way things were before, or consider acting on different fantasies instead. So, for example, trying an open relationship doesn’t mean that you have to keep it open forever if the experience doesn’t go well—you can go back to being monogamous and try adding novelty to your relationship in ways that don’t involve outside partners, such as watching porn together or role-playing.

8. Remember that keeping passion and romance alive takes work. A lot of work. Acting out a fantasy with your partner can be a thrilling experience—one that brings you closer and revives feelings of passion for days, weeks, maybe even months afterward. However, to keep those feelings alive for a longer period of time is something that requires sustained effort, a fact that many of us fail to recognize. Far too many people interpret a decrease in passion and romance as a sign that something is wrong with them, their partner, or their relationship. It’s probably not. In fact, it’s perfectly normal for these feelings to start declining early on in a relationship. Scientists have found that, while sexual satisfaction typically increases during the first year a couple is together, it starts dropping after that in most cases. 16 This happens, in part, because frequency of sex starts to decline. While this may be the normal pattern in the sense that it’s what most commonly happens, it’s important to remember that passion and romance have the potential to keep going for decades—you just have to be willing to work for it. And regularly sharing and/or acting on your fantasies (something most of us aren’t doing) is one of many ways you can potentially maintain an exciting sexual relationship in the long run.

I hope you’ve seen that, when it comes to enacting your sexual fantasies, the line between fulfilling your wildest dreams and living a nightmare can be pretty thin. Every fantasy carries with it a unique set of risks and rewards, and some of us seem to be better equipped to take on the risks than others. What this means is that if you’re contemplating acting on your fantasies, it isn’t something you should take lightly. While my data suggest that, more often than not, acting on our fantasies turns out well, remember that there are no guarantees—and that’s because the outcomes of acting on a given fantasy are determined by the complex interaction of multiple factors, including the nature of the sex act itself, the personalities of the participants involved, and how much communication and planning went into it at the outset. My advice is therefore not that everyone should go out and immediately act on every fantasy they have. There are many fantasies that shouldn’t be acted upon. Ever. The truth of the matter is that some fantasies are best kept confined to our own imaginations, others are best shared but not acted upon, and yet others we might do well to make a regular part of our sex lives. Which of your fantasies will take on which of these roles is something that only you and your partner can decide, with the caveat that sexual desires that fail to meet the criteria of safe, sane, consensual, and legal should never make the leap from fantasy to reality.

While the science of sexual desire tells us that sharing—and perhaps acting on—some of our sexual fantasies has the potential to benefit us in many ways, enhancing communication about our deepest desires is just one part of what we need to do if we want to promote healthier and more satisfying relationships. There’s so much more we can accomplish if we go beyond simply incorporating more of our fantasies into our sex and love lives. As I’ll discuss in the next chapter, we need to go further than this and fundamentally change the way that we as a society think about sexual desire, from how we talk to our kids about it to how we treat it under the law. To the extent that we can do this, we all stand to be happier, healthier, and safer in the end.