4
an introduction to mindfulness
NOTICING A SKILL YOU ALREADY POSSESS
One somewhat snowy Monday morning, the elementary school my (S. M. O.) son Sam goes to was closed due to the weather. Unfortunately, the university where I teach was still open, and I had to teach a class that morning. My husband and I decided it would make the most sense for Sam to go to work with me. My son usually enjoys “helping me teach,” and we could return home as soon as my office hours ended. I raced around a bit, pulling my stuff together, and off we went to the train station.
Sam settled into a seat next to the window on the train bound to Boston. I told him I needed to prepare my lecture and asked him to read his book or sit quietly and look out the window while I worked. I slung my backpack onto the empty seat next to me, pulled out my book, laptop, cereal bar, and water bottle, stuck my ticket in the slot to be punched, and settled into my morning routine. As the train moved along, I glanced through the chapters I had assigned for the day’s class and made lecture notes on my computer while gobbling down my breakfast. When we pulled into the next station, I grudgingly moved my bag and scooted over next to Sam to make room for another passenger without missing a keystroke. Sam kept up a steady monologue, describing the iced-over lake we passed, the yachts covered with tarps for the winter, and finally the hulking machinery at a nearby construction site. As I put the finishing touches on my lecture, I noticed he was on his knees, peering out the window, and sternly reminded him to stay seated. Moments later we pulled into the station, our trip successful. I had finished my breakfast, prepared for class, and kept my son entertained and reasonably well behaved.
But consider for a moment how, with a few small changes, my experience might have been different. Imagine, for instance, that I had focused my attention on the cereal bar while I ate . . . noticing the many different textures and flavors all merged together: crunchy oats, raisins bursting with juice, the earthy flavor of almonds . . . noticing how each bite gave me sustenance and energy for the day . . . observing how the water I drank quenched my thirst.
Now imagine that I had brought my full attention to my work. I might more fully feel the satisfaction of creating a lesson plan that could spark a lively class discussion.
Imagine the small but meaningful interactions I could have had that morning. What if I had made eye contact with the conductor as she punched my ticket and caught the grateful nod she sent my way for having my ticket ready and making her morning work just a little easier? What if I had noticed that older gentleman seated beside me who looked a bit nervous about riding into Boston? Maybe if I had acknowledged him, he would have asked me his questions about how to transfer from the commuter rail to the subway. Helping him out and seeing his relief might have brought me a moment of pleasure.
What if I had turned my full attention to Sam and saw the wonder and excitement in his eyes as he took in all the details of the train ride? What if I saw beyond what I know my son to be—an energetic 10-yearold with a love of sports and video games—and noticed his moment-to-moment reactions to the trip? Imagine the love, pride, and compassion I might have felt.
MULTITASKING AND AUTOMATIC PILOT:
THRIVING OR SURVIVING IN THE 21ST CENTURY?
On the surface, these two commutes do not really seem radically different. Multitasking on the train is a ritual for many commuters. There is no real harm in living this way. Or is there? And how much benefit can one really get from observing the moment as it unfolds? With all the problems we face, how could such a small thing make any difference at all? And most important, what does all of this have to do with anxiety? We begin to explore these questions in this chapter and continue to consider them throughout the rest of the book.
Multitasking has become part of our everyday lives. The teenager planted on the couch in front of the television, typing his homework assignment onto the laptop perched on his knees, shoveling down a snack, and instant messaging (IMing) with his friend about the new girl in their chemistry class. The mother holding her fussy baby in one arm while stirring the pot of sauce on the stove, helping a coworker problem-solve a customer service issue over the phone, and stealing an occasional glance at the television.
Sometimes we multitask in a somewhat more subtle way, engaging in one activity while thinking about another. Remember Eric (introduced in Chapter 2), who couldn’t seem to enjoy quality time alone with his daughter because he was preoccupied with work worries and couldn’t focus at work because he was preoccupied with worries about losing his cherished family? We may try to engage in one valued action while at the same time worrying about another. Sometimes this process occurs outside of our control. But other times it reflects our attempts to manage multiple demands. Picture a father paused by his daughter’s bedroom door, trying to nod sympathetically as his teenager complains about school, all the while distracted by worries about missing the train and being late for work. Think of a woman on a much-needed “dinner date” who tries to appear attentive to her partner while ruminating over the sharp criticism she received from her boss earlier in the day.
When our attention is stretched thin by multitasking, we begin to operate on autopilot in some domains. Even if you’re doing only
one thing, you could be
multitasking by worrying
about another at the same time. The teen juggling four activities from the couch may get engrossed in the TV program that just came on, but when it’s over he probably won’t be able to tell you exactly what his snack consisted of or how it tasted. The mother on the phone may momentarily tune out her coworker while trying to recall the exact location of the oregano in the pantry. The ability to simultaneously execute multiple actions without giving each behavior significant thought can be useful. When you first learn to drive a stick shift, your attention is pretty much consumed with coordinating the clutch and the gas pedal, making it difficult to navigate through an unfamiliar neighborhood. But a veteran driver expends very little cognitive energy on shifting gears and can easily watch for street signs or casually chat with a passenger while doing so.
Multitasking is considered by some to be a necessary evil. After all, given the multiple demands of modern living, how else will we succeed in our busy lives? The reality is multitasking has some significant downsides. What may work for driving does not always work for other domains of living. Multitasking on a regular basis, particularly in an automatic, habitual way, increases stress and decreases productivity. There is a limited amount of information we can pay attention to and remember, particularly when we are overloaded with stimuli. We might be able to solve a crossword puzzle with soft classical music playing in the background. But research shows that multitasking is inefficient, and those who engage in multitasking actually perform worse on cognitive and memory tasks. Although we may be able to engage and disengage the clutch effortlessly while taking in the traffic conditions, texting, putting on make-up, or talking on a cell phone while driving can result in tragedy. There are also social and personal costs to multitasking. The coworker on the phone with the busy mother may feel frustrated that she is not getting clear advice. The daughter may feel that her father doesn’t care or take her problems seriously. The diner will likely not feel nurtured or sustained by her night out with her partner. Although we may try valiantly to meet multiple competing demands, the end result of multitasking often is not entirely satisfying.
In addition to interfering with our concentration and productivity and diminishing our connections with others, moving through life on autopilot can prevent us from making significant life changes. Consider Luana, who has struggled with social anxiety all her life. Luana just started a new job and hopes to build relationships with her coworkers. Although she constantly fears that people are scrutinizing and evaluating her, she is also yearning for a deeper connection with others. Luana is single, with few friends, and she is lonely.
For 2 weeks leading up to her start date, Luana imagined what it would be like to socialize with her coworkers. She imagined going out for drinks after work, maybe even seeing a movie on the weekend with a group of friends from work. For her first few days on the job, Luana was filled with both anticipation and anxiety. What if everyone thought she was too old or boring to hang out with? If someone approached her and engaged in small talk, would she be able to think of ways to keep the conversation going? Then one day, while she was focused on trying to understand a complex spreadsheet open on her desktop, Luana was startled by the appearance of two women from the sales department leaning into her doorway. “Join us for a quick lunch around the corner?” the younger of the two casually requested. Before she was even aware of her action, Luana heard herself begging off. “No thanks,” she stammered. “I usually bring my own and work straight through lunch.” In a matter of seconds Luana’s fear had spiked, her habitual avoidance response kicked in, and she felt an immediate sense of relief followed by a wave of sorrow. Although Luana values social connections, her desire to avoid uncomfortable situations makes it very difficult for her to be willing to experience fear and anxiety.
The Obvious and Hidden Costs of Multitasking
ATTENTION AND MEMORY PROBLEMS
• Your school or job performance may suffer.
• Managing household chores can be difficult.
• You may fail to pick up subtle, nonverbal messages from those around you.
• You may not adequately learn from your experiences because your ability to perceive the consequences of moment-to-moment actions is limited.
STRAINED RELATIONSHIPS
• The important people in your life may feel neglected even though you believe you’re spending sufficient time with them.
• You may inadvertently send signals that you’re not interested and don’t care about those around you.
• Your inability to pick up subtle, nonverbal messages from people you care about may lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
DISSATISFACTION AND DISCONTENT IN YOUR WORK,
RELATIONSHIPS, AND HOBBIES
• It can seem like you are just going through the motions.
• You may feel like a spectator in your own life.
• You may fail to notice and fully experience the enjoyable aspects of your relationships, work, or leisure activities.
• What you’re trying to avoid can become more important than what you want to achieve.
CONFUSION AND HOPELESSNESS
• You might feel as if you’re working extremely hard to balance competing demands, yet your efforts don’t seem to pay off.
• You may feel at a loss as to how you can improve your situation.
This sort of thing happens all the time. We want to do something that is important to us, but we don’t want to feel uncomfortable. So we choose to avoid. And the relief we feel is so reinforcing that it just strengthens the habit. A cycle is formed, usually outside the realm of our typical awareness, where fear leads to avoidance, which leads to more avoidance.
If we pay close attention to our thoughts, emotions, and urges to avoid, there is some hope of breaking that cycle. Remember, emotions do not cause behaviors; they just bring on a strong urge to behave in a certain way. If we can catch this urge before we act, more choices become available to us. But if we’re not paying close attention, the habit of avoidance can kick in. Living on automatic pilot means our lives may be shaped more by what we are avoiding than what we are pursuing.
MINDFULNESS: A WAY TO STEP BACK INTO YOUR LIFE
The difference between the two commutes described at the beginning of the chapter is that during the second trip I was practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness is a term that brings up different images and meanings for different people. You may associate it with the spiritual traditions of Buddhism. Or you may think of it as a pop-culture, new-age fad. You may have heard about the health benefits of mindfulness and be intrigued and interested in learning more. Or you may not have a clear sense of what it is at all. See the sidebar on pages 82–83.
Put simply, mindfulness is a specific way of paying attention to things. It involves purposefully expanding your attention to take in both what you are experiencing Paying close attention to an urge to
avoid discomfort can help us break
the cycle of fear → avoidance →
relief → restricted life. inside—your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations—and what is happening around you. But the kind of attention you bring to noticing is an essential aspect of this practice. Mindfulness involves bringing a gentle and honest curiosity to your experiences. It involves looking at familiar thoughts, people, and situations with a fresh perspective, as if you had never encountered them before.
One of the most challenging mindfulness skills is self-compassion. Typically, we label and judge the stream of experiences we have without even giving the process much thought. Sitting in my office, I hear a variety of sounds that I quickly categorize: “blaring horn”—annoying; “ambulance siren”—danger; “laughing coworker”—fun. I react the same way to a stream of internal experiences: the thought “I need to go to the dry cleaner”—distracting; the feeling of sadness—bad, to be avoided; a sensation of tension—frustration. Mindfulness involves understanding that making snap judgments is an adaptive part of human nature.Self-compassion can help us
turn the corner from rejecting
discomfort to accepting our
experience, even if only for a
moment longer than usual. After all, it is in my best interest to quickly judge the sour taste of milk as disgusting and to judge things I fear as threatening and dangerous. And mindfulness involves being able to accept, and even welcome, what can’t be changed, rather than struggling to control things beyond our control.
So, learning to be compassionate toward our own responses means that when we notice thoughts, sensations, or emotions, we try to be gentle with ourselves, remembering that these responses are natural and an inherent part of being human, rather than criticizing ourselves for having them. And when we inevitably do have critical reactions to fear, doubt, and other internal experiences (as these are overlearned habits and part of being human), we can be gentle and compassionate with ourselves for that response as well. As we explore in more depth in the following chapters, this continual practice of selfcompassion will help us break the cycle of reactivity and criticism that often drives our anxiety and break our habit of avoiding discomfort so that we are free to engage more fully in our lives.
Common Questions and Concerns about Mindfulness
Isn’t mindfulness part of Buddhism? What if I have different spiritual or religious beliefs?
The term mindfulness comes from Buddhism, but psychology has begun to recognize that mindfulness (removed from the religious context) may be used to improve physical and emotional well-being. Although many of the ideas we suggest here are consistent with Eastern philosophies and traditions, we do not focus on the religious parts of mindfulness, and we believe this approach can be useful no matter what your religious or spiritual preference. In fact, mindful awareness is a part of religious practices in many traditions and can also be practiced without any religious connection.
Isn’t mindfulness just some sort of new-age fad?
Although mindfulness has become part of our popular culture, the suggestions we make throughout this book are based on more than 10 years of research that has been conducted by us and many other scientists.
I don’t have the time to practice mindfulness.
There is debate in the field as to how much mindfulness practice is needed to experience benefits in health and well-being. Our research and the research of others suggests that more practice is associated with greater benefit. However, after completing an intensive mindfulness training program, some people find that a practice as simple and brief as focusing on their breath during the day helps them maintain gains. In our experience, the time we spend practicing mindfulness is well spent because it helps us do other tasks more efficiently and with more satisfaction.
I don’t have the right personality to practice mindfulness.
We have never worked with an anxious person who felt comfortable with the idea of just sitting and noticing. Yet our clients find that, with practice, they can develop a mindfulness practice, just like building any new habit. If you struggle with anxiety and stress, it should feel strange and unfamiliar to practice breathing and other formal mindfulness exercises. If we offered you a technique that was similar to the ones you have been using to cope already (unsuccessfully), it would probably not be helpful.
I did a little mindfulness in my yoga class. Is this anything different?
Yes and no. Practicing meditation or yoga is definitely consistent with the type of mindfulness practice we describe here. But we bring our expertise as psychologists who study anxiety to consider how mind-fulness can be used to reduce self-criticism, to decrease the intensity of negative mood states, and to increase life satisfaction.
Is mindfulness the same as relaxation?
Again, the answer is yes and no. Although mindfulness practice sometimes produces a state that quiets the mind and brings on feelings of calmness, that is not always the case. Mindfulness is used to bring you into contact with the present moment. If the present moment is distressing, mindfulness will not eliminate that distress. But mindfulness may allow you to experience the distress differently and to participate in your life while you are feeling distress.
1. Noticing
• Becoming fully aware of the thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, and images that you experience
• Observing all the details of your environment
2. Bringing curiosity and interest to new as well as familiar experiences
• Approaching experiences with openness
• Viewing events “as they are” instead of “as what you know” or “as you wish they were” or “as you fear they are”
3. Practicing self-compassion
• Noticing the pull to label, judge, and react to experiences
• Acknowledging that the reactions we have are part of being human
• Accepting what cannot be controlled
• Treating yourself (and ultimately others) with kindness and care
• Treating your experiences with kindness and care
Before we talk about mindfulness any further, we would like you to do a quick breathing exercise. It takes only a few minutes, but to really get the most out of this chapter it is important to do this exercise before you read on (even if you have tried mindfulness before). Find a quiet, comfortable spot where you can sit for 5 minutes and not be disturbed. Bring a pad of paper and something to write with so that you can jot down anything you notice about the experience or any reactions you have. Make sure to set a timer on your watch or cell phone so that you know when 5 minutes is up. Read the instructions below and then put the book aside to practice.
Ways to Sit for Mindfulness Practice
Bringing awareness to the way you are sitting prior to starting your practice will help you to practice mindfulness without being needlessly distracted by physical sensations of discomfort (although sensations will still arise as part of your practice).
SITTING ON THE FLOOR
• With legs folded. One option is to sit on the floor with your legs folded in front of you. Use one or two cushions so that your buttocks are elevated. Place your legs folded, in front of you on the floor, one in front of the other. Your weight should be balanced evenly across your buttocks and your two knees, with your buttocks elevated above your legs. This puts much less strain on your knees than having your buttocks and knees on an even plane. Straighten your spine and drop your shoulders so that you are in a comfortable upright position. You can place your hands on your thighs or bring your fingertips together in your lap, whichever feels more comfortable.
• In a supported kneeling position. Another option is to kneel with a cushion lifting your buttocks off the ground. If you are using a traditional meditation cushion, you may find it helpful to turn the cushion on its edge and place it between your thighs, sitting on the top edge of the cushion. Rest your hands, palms down, in a comfortable position on your thighs so that you are neither pulled forward nor arched back. Again, straighten your spine so that you are sitting evenly and alertly.
SITTING IN A CHAIR
Another option is to sit in a straight-backed chair. Rest both feet on the floor in front of you. Straighten your spine and sit upright, rather than leaning against the back of the chair. Place your hands, palms down, on your thighs so that your shoulders are relaxed.
POSTURE
As you begin practicing, be sure to bring awareness to your posture. All of us tend to slouch our shoulders or bend our lower back. Both will cause discomfort and make practice more challenging. If you notice any soreness after you practice, bring attention to that part of your body the next time you sit and be sure you choose a position that does not put unnecessary strain on that part of your body. It can be helpful to imagine that a string is pulling your head upward so that you can find a lifted, straight spine when you begin sitting. Remember that a straight spine will still have a curve in your lumbar, so don’t try to straighten that out. Over time this position will become a habit, so you won’t have to think about it as much.
The Mindfulness of Breath Exercise
1. Close your eyes or allow your gaze to rest softly on a spot on the floor in front of you.
2. Notice where you feel the breath in your body and allow your attention to rest in this spot. It may be in your belly, the back of your throat, or your nostrils.
3. Keep your focus on your breath, “being with” each in breath for its full duration and with each out breath for its full duration. Imagine you are riding the waves of your own breathing.
4. Each time you notice that your mind has wandered off the breath, gently bring your attention back to the place you feel your breath and the feeling of each in breath and out breath.
5. Each time your mind wanders, all you need to do is gently bring it back to your breath, again and again and again.
6. If you notice thoughts that you aren’t doing this right or you aren’t good at it, just notice them and again gently bring your attention back to your breath, again and again. These are just thoughts; they don’t mean you aren’t doing it right.
Congratulations! If you have never tried mindfulness before, you have just completed your first practice. Let’s review what was simple or easy about this exercise. It wasn’t very time consuming (even the busiest among us can usually find 5 minutes). The exercise doesn’t require any specialized equipment. It involves something that you already do on a regular basis—breathing. You had only one task, which was to pay attention to your breath. And finally, there is nothing mysterious about doing it.
Although this exercise is amazingly simple, we are sure you noticed that it also can be quite challenging. Each of us has our own unique experience when we practice mindfulness, but some reactions are pretty common. Following is a list of things that some people notice when they do this exercise. Notice which of the statements describe your personal experience and acknowledge any other reactions you had that are not listed.
Common Reactions to the Breathing Exercise
• “I wasn’t sure I was breathing the right way.”
• “I wasn’t sure I was breathing the right way.”
• “I started taking really shallow breaths.”
• “I felt short of breath.”
• “I felt selfconscious about my breathing.”
• “Five minutes seemed to last forever.”
• “I kept opening my eyes to check the time.”
• “I felt restless and fidgety.”
• “I couldn’t keep my mind on the task.”
• “I kept thinking about things I need to get done.”
• “I had the thought ‘This is a waste of time.’ ”
• “I had the thought ‘How will this help me?’ ”
• “I had the thought ‘I can’t do this right.’ ”
• “I felt anxious and uncomfortable.”
• “I had the thought ‘I believe mindfulness might be helpful for many people, but not me.’ ”
The Lessons We Learn from Mindfulness
Most people find paying attention to their breath for 5 minutes extremely challenging. This is why we asked you to try it before reading on. Until you actually try to keep your attention on your breath for 5 minutes, it can seem like a very simple task.
When people first try mindfulness, they typically make a judgment as to whether they were “successful.” Did you have any thoughts like that? Even though we don’t know anything about you or the unique experience you just had, we can confidently conclude that you succeeded. How can that be? Because there is absolutely no way to fail during mindfulness practice. Certainly one benefit of the breathing exercise (and mindfulness practice in general) is that, over time, you may develop the ability to notice more easily when your attention has strayed and to guide it more easily toward some target (e.g., your breath, the meal you are eating, the conversation you are in). This part of mindfulness definitely improves with practice. But it’s important to understand that mindfulness is a process. No one ever achieves a total and final state of mindfulness. It is a way of being in one moment that comes and goes. In fact, it is often said that mindfulness is losing our focus 100 times and returning to it 101 times.
Beginners often judge themselves negatively if they can’t keep their attention on their breathing for 5 minutes (or even 5 seconds). But an extremely important second benefit of mindfulness practice is simply noticing what happens when we try to bring our attention to our breath. There are many lessons to be learned about how our mind works and how it affects our behavior if we pay close attention.
We go through our daily lives thinking all kinds of thoughts. Our minds are very busy, and they often hop from topic to topic. But rarely do we actually notice our thinking or watch our thoughts as they race through our mind. In other words, we might think, “I have absolutely no patience,” but we don’t usually think, “I am observing that I am having the thought that I have no patience.” We think, “I am anxious,” not, “I am experiencing a feeling of anxiety.” We typically operate in a state of being fused with our thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations. When we are mindful, we get the chance to step back, at least for a moment, and observe them.
Although it is common to have mundane thoughts during mindfulness practice, like, “I wonder what I should have for lunch,” or, “I need to stop at the store on my way home,” most people also have self-critical thoughts like the ones in the box on page 87. If the average person has this reaction to watching the breath, imagine the kinds of thoughts that are common when we take risks or allow ourselves to feel Observing our thoughts
instead of just thinking them
gives us a moment to choose
to act on them differently. vulnerable.
Where do all these judgmental thoughts come from? First, they are part of our culture. We often get the message that being critical or “hard” on ourselves is desirable and motivating. Mira thinks she can reach her weight-loss goals by harshly judging herself as lazy and weak. Gabe is disgusted by his fear of public speaking and tries to be “tough” on himself in an effort to conquer his fear. Although this approach is not helping them, they both think that if they were to “let up” things would only get worse. There is little evidence that self-criticism motivates lasting, positive changes, but many people continue to live by that rule. We also collect critical, judgmental thoughts through our own personal experiences. Interactions with family, teachers, friends, bosses, coworkers, and partners can teach us that it’s wrong to feel a certain emotion, have a certain thought, or behave in a particular way.
Important Lessons to Be Learned from Mindfulness
• Our minds are very busy.
• Although we can notice our thoughts (emotions, physical sensations), we usually just have them.
• We are often “fused” with our internal experiences.
• Our thoughts are often harsh and critical.
HOW CAN MINDFULNESS HELP IF YOU ARE ANXIOUS?
People who struggle with stress or anxiety often think that mindfulness is a technique that can be used to calm or relax them. Mindfulness of the breath or other exercises sometimes do quiet the mind and bring momentary peace. But mindfulness is much more than that. As you will learn from this book, mindfulness can help you better understand yourself and make the kind of lasting life changes that bring satisfaction and fulfillment. It can help you break unproductive habits and open up choices for you. But it does require you to become aware of, and open up to, all of your experiences, even the difficult ones.
At this point you might be thinking, “Gee, thanks, but I’m already painfully aware of the negative, judgmental thoughts I have about myself—especially when I’m under stress!” In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have spent the price of this book on something more soothing, like a ticket to a nice little romantic comedy. After all, you bought this book hoping it would help you become less aware of those thoughts, not more. Please bear with us. We’re confident that you’ll see that mindfully experiencing painful thoughts is very different from the way most of us typically operate.
Let’s imagine what is going on in Natalie’s head when she gets really stressed and nervous. Natalie works as a middle school teacher in a small suburban town. Late one Friday afternoon, as she is packing up to leave for the day, she receives a call from the principal. Mr. Freedman tells her that a parent of one of her pupils has called to complain that Natalie is disorganized in assigning and managing homework assignments. The principal asks Natalie to come to his office so that they can discuss the situation. Mr. Freedman wants to hear about Natalie’s homework policy, her perspective on why the student and her parent might be upset, and how she might want to address the complaint. Natalie feels a surge of panic. She quickly hangs up the phone, bolts out of the classroom, and heads down the hall.
On the way, Natalie is engrossed in an inner monologue. “Oh no, I can’t believe this is happening to me. I can’t stand that student. And you have got to love these parents. They give their kids everything they want, let them watch television and play video games all the time, and don’t get involved in their education one bit, until they have some complaint. Ugh. I shouldn’t have changed the homework assignment at the last minute. Why didn’t I just stick to the regular social studies curriculum? What an idiot I was to think that a current-events assignment was a fun and creative addition. A veteran teacher wouldn’t have made that mistake. Or she would have planned the assignment further in advance. Why didn’t the student or the parent just contact me directly? Do I seem unapproachable? Mr. Freedman must think I can’t manage my own classroom. This is the last thing he wants to deal with on a Friday. What should I do? I am so stressed out I can’t even think straight.”
Natalie takes a seat across the desk from the principal, the tension apparent in her stiff shoulders and trembling hands. “That student has always been a problem in my classroom,” she begins, her voice building in volume. “He never does his homework on time, and his notebook is always a mess. The parent is unhappy that I gave her precious son a C on his last report card, and this is her way of retaliating. Kids today don’t think they need to earn a grade; they believe they deserve an A just for showing up to class. Where was his mother when he failed the last quiz? She certainly didn’t help him study or contact me to develop a plan for him to improve his performance.”
Although Mr. Freedman tries to express his perspective on the situation, Natalie is too distracted by her own thoughts to pay attention to what he’s saying. She feels as if she’s being attacked. “I just need to get out of here and relax” is all she can think. Plus, she already knows from experience exactly what Mr. Freedman’s response will be. He always wants teachers to stick to the curriculum, and the parents are always right in his eyes. Somewhat abruptly, Natalie ends the discussion by agreeing to call the parent and arrange a meeting to discuss the issue. However, when she gets back to her classroom, she feels like she is way too emotional to deal with the situation and decides to leave. On her way out, Natalie calls to the principal, “No one was home, I left a message,” and she immediately feels better as she slips into her car and pulls out of the parking lot, leaving the mess behind.
Unfortunately, that night Natalie can’t sleep. She keeps replaying the scenario in her mind, and she feels extremely tense and irritable. Finally, she gets up, takes two sleeping pills, and turns on the television, hoping it will lull her to sleep. But her thoughts keep replaying the scene at the school, and she is dreading having to deal with the situation on Monday.
In this situation Natalie clearly had some awareness of her painful thoughts and feelings. Yet she was definitely not bringing mindfulness to the situation. Let’s imagine how this scenario could have unfolded differently.
When Natalie receives the call from her principal, she tells Mr. Freedman she will come down to his office in just a few moments. She feels strong emotions arising and notices her thoughts racing, so Natalie decides to take a few moments to bring her attention to her inner experience. “I am definitely experiencing anger at the student and the parent for complaining to the principal instead of contacting me directly. But I also notice some feelings of sadness, embarrassment, and fear. Of course, I am having the thought that this means I am a terrible teacher and that Mr. Freedman is angry with or disappointed in me. I’m sure that’s a reaction any teacher would have in this situation. I’m also having some thoughts that the student is irresponsible and the parent extremely difficult. No surprise—this is definitely a pattern I recognize. When I feel vulnerable or threatened, my mind generates all these thoughts blaming others to protect me from pain. When I’m pumped up with anger, it makes me feel strong—well, at least in the moment. I also know from experience that acting on that anger, without carefully considering all of my options and choosing the action that is most consistent with the kind of teacher and employee I want to be, often backfires.”
Natalie’s thoughts began to race: “Ugh. I shouldn’t have changed the homework assignment at the last minute. Why didn’t I just stick to the regular social studies curriculum? What an idiot I was to think that adding a current-events assignment was going to seem fun and creative. A veteran teacher wouldn’t have made that mistake.” For a moment, Natalie is tangled up in these thoughts. She is fused with her thinking, feeling, and judging and not observing the process. Then she notices what’s happening and brings her attention back to an observer perspective. “Almost got swept up in that familiar script,” she acknowledges.
Natalie purposefully pays keen attention to both her internal experience and Mr. Freedman as she sits across the desk from the principal. She has the thought “I know he will take the parent’s side,” but rather than getting caught up in her thoughts, she brings her attention back to what Mr. Freedman is actually saying. Natalie notices the lines of concern on Mr. Freedman’s face as he speaks. She hears the genuineness in his voice as he discusses his perspective, wondering whether there is a way to turn this into an opportunity to engage the parent in her son’s education. Natalie notices that the intensity of her emotions began to subside as they discuss possible options for dealing with the problem. Her first thought is to ask Mr. Freedman to deal with the irate parent. But she realizes that to be the kind of teacher she wants to be, she will have to talk to the parent directly.
Natalie heads back to the classroom to make the call. She notices a surge of fear and the thought “I am feeling too emotional to deal with this situation right now.” Natalie also notices a strong urge to leave the problem behind and deal with it after the weekend. But she recognizes this as an old pattern: avoid a difficult situation to reduce her discomfort. Natalie takes a moment simply to observe these thoughts, feelings, and urges without judging them or acting on them. She notices that they grow and peak and then subside just a little bit. She is clearly still experiencing painful thoughts and emotions, but she chooses to place the call. It is a difficult interaction with the parent, but she leaves the building satisfied that she has done the best she can in the situation.
TAKING THE FIRST STEP
The example of Natalie demonstrates how mindfulness can help us notice what we are experiencing, make choices about how we want to respond, and increase our willingness to allow difficult thoughts and feelings without struggling to get rid of them. Throughout the rest of the book we take you little by little toward moving through your anxiety to engage in your life. The first step in this process is developing a daily mindfulness practice. If you’re anything like us, your first reaction might be “Hold on, I don’t have time to add another thing to my full plate.” The good news is that mindfulness can be integrated very easily into a busy life.
EXERCISE Investing in yourself with mindfulness practice
We recommend that you invest 5 minutes a day for the next week into your own self-care. Specifically, we would like you to consider doing the mindfulness of breath exercise for at least 5 minutes each day for the next week.
Notice your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations during the exercise so that you can jot them down later. See if you can bring a lighthearted curiosity to the experience. The goal is not to see how long you can focus on your breath or to calm all your fears and worries. Instead, take these 5 minutes to become better acquainted with what happens when you slow down and breathe. Get to know how your mind works and where it likes to wander. Practice acknowledging its frenetic pace and its tendency to worry and criticize. Then guide your attention back to your breath like you might lead a reluctant toddler away from the playground and toward home for a much-needed rest.
Things to Keep in Mind When Practicing Mindfulness
1. Practice becoming fully aware of your internal reactions and the world around you.
2. Notice when your attention narrows; allow it to expand.
3. Practice patience with the present moment and notice the urge to rush ahead to the next thing.
4. Notice when you make judgments such as “good” or “bad” and “right” or “wrong.”
5. Notice the urge to hold on to some feelings (e.g., happiness, calmness) and to push others away (e.g., sadness, worry).
6. Notice the urge to think you already know what something is; instead, try to observe things exactly as they are.
7. Practice accepting that all of these reactions are part of being human.
EXERCISE Bringing mindful attention to fear and anxiety
Continue observing and recording your anxious responses in the moments when they occur. Practice bringing the same skills that you use in the breathing mindfulness exercise to monitoring your anxiety. Notice the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise with anxiety. Notice the judgments that arise in response. Practice selfcompassion, remembering that your responses are part of being human.