8
the allure and cost
of trying to control your
internal experience
If fear, anxiety, sadness, and other emotions are natural human responses, why have we come to respond to them as dangerous, negative, painful, and problematic? Societal and cultural forces, along with our personal learning histories and beliefs, shape how we view and respond to emotions. As we discussed in the last chapter, our critical judgments and reactions muddy our emotions, increasing their frequency and intensity and making them seem even more complicated, frightening, and undesirable. In this chapter, we explore more deeply our automatic and habitual responses to anxiety and other emotions, particularly the instinct we all have to try to control these responses. As you’ll see, the very steps we take to try to cope with anxiety add to its power over our lives. Fortunately, though, we can bring flexibility and choice back into our lives by developing a mindful awareness of the tendency to try to control our emotions and by cultivating a more accepting, compassionate, and mindful stance toward anxiety.
Humans are faced with a challenging paradox. Our prime directive seems to be to create and live a full and meaningful life. We’re often guided by the philosophy that we should seek opportunities to experience pleasure, enjoyment, and satisfaction and avoid encounters that could bring pain and suffering. Unfortunately, living a fulfilling life involves putting ourselves in situations that inevitably stir up painful thoughts and feelings. How do we foster a deep connection with a friend while shielding ourselves from the pain and sadness of missing her when she is gone? Doesn’t taking risks such as moving to another part of the country, accepting a job opportunity, or going back to school bring nervous anticipation as well as excitement? To become an accomplished musician, wouldn’t you have to risk feeling frustrated, bored, or even incompetent as you practice the skills and exercises that may also eventually bring satisfaction and pride? It’s a universal paradox that the potential for emotional pain seems inherent in every activity or situation that we might pursue. How do we resolve this paradox? In this chapter we explore three possible options: playing it safe, taking control, or taking a mindful accepting stance toward anxiety (and other sources of emotional pain).
Before reading on, take a few moments to reflect on whether you have ever felt stuck in this paradox. How have you tried to resolve it for your own life?
Common Responses Aimed at Resolving the Paradox
• Play it safe by carefully choosing a path in life that you hope will protect you from anxiety and other forms of emotional pain.
• Focus all your efforts on controlling anxiety in the hope that once you are anxiety-free you can pursue the things that matter most to you.
• Develop an accepting and mindful stance toward emotions and be willing to experience the full range of emotions that arise when you fully participate in life.
OPTION 1: PLAYING IT SAFE
Paula grew up in a chaotic but lonely home. The daughter of an introverted and alcoholic mother and a meek and often absent father, her physical and emotional needs were frequently neglected. At a very young age Paula became self-sufficient; she survived on cold cereal for supper until she could reach the stovetop to fix hot meals like macaroni and cheese or hot dogs. The family did not own their own washing machine, but Paula made sure to rinse out her clothes in the bathroom sink each night so they would be clean for school. Paula faced many childhood struggles alone. Although there were kindly and caring teachers, neighbors, and even relatives who would have intervened had they known the extent of Paula’s neglect, she lived in fear of being removed from the only home and family she knew. By all appearances, Paula was a well-behaved child and a good student who never caused any trouble at school. But underneath her quiet, unassuming exterior, she was a lonely, scared child.
Despite her difficult childhood, Paula has built a relatively secure and stable life for herself. She is a hard worker and has been employed with the same company for the past 15 years. Although Paula gets along well with her coworkers, has a few acquaintances she sometimes sees a movie with on weekends, and occasionally goes on dates, she doesn’t feel particularly close to anyone. Paula struggles with social anxiety; she is afraid if people get to know her well they will view her as damaged and flawed and reject her. Still, she holds out hope that someday she will find a partner she can trust and confide in. Once she meets someone who demonstrates his trustworthiness and she is certain she will not be judged or let down, she will allow herself to have an open, intimate relationship. But for now, she will continue to keep a safe distance between herself and others. Hasn’t she been hurt enough in her life?
Many of us attempt to resolve the paradox by making choices about relationships, jobs, opportunities, and pastimes that limit our potential contact with pain, disappointment, sadness, and worry. We may not completely give up on the possibility of a fuller life, but we make compromises and restrict options in an attempt to play it safe. Most of us would agree that Paula has every reason to be self-protective. She had a terribly difficult childhood and doesn’t deserve to be hurt anymore.
Unfortunately, although this seems like a reasonable and logical option, upon closer examination it becomes clear that this attempt to resolve the paradox is fatally flawed. Regardless of how careful we are it’s impossible to avoid fear, sadness, and anger. As we discussed in Chapter 6, these emotions are part of our basic biological programming. They focus our attention, communicate the significance of an event, and ready us for action. No matter how hard we try to protect ourselves, we will inevitably come into contact with loss and emotional pain in our lives.
Remember that in addition to being hard wired to avoid pain, we are compelled to seek relationships and challenges in our life. Paula may fear the pain of disappointment, grief, or humiliation that she pictures will follow rejection, but like all humans, she has an innate desire to be part of a social network. Keeping a “safe” distance from others may protect her from the pain associated specifically with rejection, but doing so will undoubtedly elicit feelings of sadness, loneliness, and fear. Ironically, in her attempt to shield herself from pain, Paula will create a life that will naturally elicit it.
Part of the reason that many of us, including Paula, get stuck trying to solve the paradox by playing it safe is that our belief that certain rules for living should work is stronger than our ability to objectively review the evidence in our own lives. For example, the idea that building up walls protects one from pain is pretty common in our society. Mindfulness can help us more accurately reflect on whether this strategy could ever be successful for anyone. The fatal flaw in playing it safe
becomes clear when you take a close,
hard look at the evidence for its efficacy. Beginner’s mind (a mindfulness skill introduced in Chapter 5) can help us observe both the efficacy and the consequences of playing it safe, rather than just taking its usefulness as a given. This can help us stop habitually blaming ourselves and attributing the failure of the “playing it safe” plan to our own weaknesses and shortcomings and see instead that the plan itself is flawed. Mindfulness can help us observe the full range of emotions we experience when we limit our lives to avoid pain, even if some of our responses are automatic and typically outside of our awareness.
EXERCISE Are there times you have played it safe?
Paula had some very dramatic reasons to develop the habit of “playing it safe.” But many of us, even if we don’t have the childhood experiences Paula did, learn to try to protect ourselves from emotional pain by avoiding situations where we might be hurt or disappointed. Reflect on some of the choices you have made to “play it safe.” Are there relationships you have avoided or kept at bay? Job or career opportunities you have passed up? Have those choices brought you peace, calmness, and well-being, or is anxiety still present in your life? Have the choices brought additional emotional pain—disappointment, sadness, anger . . . or negative thoughts about yourself?
OPTION 2: TAKE CONTROL OF ANXIETY AND OTHER PAINFUL REACTIONS
Louis’s mother had lived with severe panic disorder her whole life. Her struggle weighed heavily on the family, and Louis’s father coped by spending increasingly longer days, nights, and weekends at the office. As a result, much of the household burden fell to Louis, who was an only child. By the time he was a teenager, Louis’s mom was no longer willing to leave the house and was relying on Louis to run all her weekly errands. Not only was he charged with the weekly grocery shopping, but he also purchased all of his mother’s clothing and other personal items. Although these responsibilities left Louis with little time to participate in school activities or hang out with friends, he fulfilled them willingly. It pained him to see his mother struggle so intensely, and he was grateful for the opportunity to ease her suffering.
Although Louis, now an adult, is also prone to frequent panic attacks, he is determined to live his life differently from his mom. His goal is to live an engaged and meaningful life, and he doesn’t intend to let panic hold him back. He wants to be in a committed relationship, achieve success as a restaurateur, travel, and volunteer in his community. Louis is firm in his belief that to live the life he wants he must gain control and mastery over his anxiety. He is active in several online dating services, faithfully reading the profile of at least five new men a week to increase the chances that he will find someone who has the potential to be his soulmate. In the past month he has set up dates with three men. Before each date, Louis goes for a long run, hoping to burn off his excessive anxiety. He always arrives at the appointed meeting site first so that he can quickly down a few glasses of wine to calm his nerves. If he notices himself beginning to get nervous, he excuses himself, heads to the men’s room, and tries to pull himself together with a firm internal lecture on the dangers of ending up like his mom.
Despite his best efforts, Louis is finding it harder and harder to control his anxiety, and he is beginning to feel a bit hopeless. Sometimes using distraction techniques, self-talk, and a few glasses of wine really helps him manage his anxiety. But other times, no matter what he tries, the anxiety sneaks up on him. Louis is afraid he is losing the motivation and focus he needs to stay on top of his emotions. He wishes he could have the discipline and focus he had as a teen. What scares Louis most are his thoughts. He knows he must keep his confidence up to succeed, but nagging doubts and thoughts that he is weak and bound to fail are eating away at him.
EXERCISE Advice on ways to control your anxiety
People try all different methods to control their anxiety (and other emotions). Consider each of the following statements. Have you ever been given this advice as a way to manage your anxiety? Do you personally believe the statements to be true? Have you successfully incorporated any of these strategies into your own life?
• Distract yourself with thoughts about something else.
• Find something productive to do to get your mind off your anxiety.
• Try to think about your positive attributes.
• Don’t be weak; give yourself a lecture about trying harder.
• Watch television.
• Have a drink (like a glass of wine or a beer) or a cigarette to calm your nerves.
• Take a sleeping pill or some other prescribed or over-the-counter medication to help you get some rest.
• Eat some ice cream, chips, or other junk food.
• Engage in retail therapy (in other words, go shopping).
• Ask other people for reassurance.
• Carry something around with you that makes you feel a little safer.
• Exercise.
• Find someone to talk to or hang out with.
Chances are, if you picked up this book, you care deeply about living a full and satisfying life. Many of us, like Louis, believe that controlling our anxiety is the first step toward a better life. If fears and doubts creep in, we think, they need to be replaced swiftly with self-confidence and a positive outlook. Many of us invest considerable time and energy into these control efforts. Yet they often meet with little success, which can leave us feeling ineffective, stuck, and even a little hopeless.
Why, then, do so many of us struggle with controlling our anxious thoughts and emotions? Two major assumptions underlie the belief that controlling anxiety and quelling negative thoughts are the first steps to leading a more fulfilling life.
Assumption 1: Humans Can Control Anxiety (and Other Emotional Responses)
Many of us believe that control over anxiety is possible—that others have done it even if we have not. We assume we haven’t been able to achieve this control because we have some personality flaw or we’re just not motivated. Interestingly, research suggests that once we experience a particular emotion or thought, we cannot simply change what we think or feel through sheer will or determination.
If you have ever had trouble falling asleep, you can probably relate to the phenomenon that trying to suppress a thought or emotion can exacerbate it. Imagine you’re lying in bed, trying to get to sleep because you know you have a big day ahead of you. There is evidence that trying to
suppress a painful emotion or
challenging thought can actually
make it occur more frequently, last
longer, and cause more distress. You feel anxious and jittery, but you would like to suppress those emotions and instead feel calm and relaxed. You toss and turn, and when you glance at the clock and see that it’s approaching midnight, you really start to worry. “What if I can’t get to sleep? I’ll be exhausted tomorrow. I can’t function if I don’t get enough sleep.” Have you ever noticed that the harder you try to fall asleep, the more your efforts backfire? The higher the stakes, the more impossible it is to control your sleep?
The same kind of thing can happen when we try to control anxiety. Imagine if you were hooked up to an extremely sensitive machine that could recognize with 100% accuracy whether you were feeling anxious. The slightest worry, the fluttering of an increasing heart rate, even subtle changes in body temperature would be detected easily by this device. Imagine that your job was simply to stay completely calm and relaxed while attached to this sophisticated piece of equipment. Using all the control strategies at your disposal—distraction, positive imagery, self-criticism, motivation to overcome your anxiety—would you be able to maintain a state of calm if you were told that becoming anxious would cause the machine to explode—and, of course, that if the machine exploded, you were likely to be seriously injured? It would be virtually impossible to stay completely calm and relaxed in this environment. Why? Because, as we have discussed throughout the book, humans are hardwired to feel anxious when in a threatening situation. No amount of self-control and determination can override that natural response.
In contrast, we could exert some control over our behavior in this situation. For example, someone might decide to decline the offer to be hooked up to the machine.It’s impossible to stop a natural
emotional response like anxiety
from occurring by sheer will. Another might be up for the challenge and choose to maintain a stoic exterior while being pummeled by exploding machine parts. We often can exert control over the choices we make about how to behave in different situations, but it is impossible to stop a natural emotional response like anxiety from occurring by sheer will.
Interestingly, this inability to control emotions, particularly fear, is actually evolutionarily adaptive. It makes sense that the part of our brain that responds to threat does so quickly and automatically, without any involvement from the parts of our brain involved in planning or integrating information. This allows us to respond to any potential threat without deliberation. It also makes sense that the parts of our brain that regulate our emotions respond more slowly, with less rapid connections between them and the parts of our brain that generate emotion. Determining safety is much less vital than determining risk, particularly in places filled with physical and social dangers, so a brain that will respond quickly to threat and be slower to recover will optimize survival. Unfortunately, such a brain does not optimize emotional comfort, leading to the frustrations inherent in trying to control these emotional responses.
Trying to get rid of the difficult or painful ones is not the only way we try to control our emotions. We also sometimes try to hold on to or re-create the emotions we find desirable. Take Veronica, a single woman who is actively seeking a life partner. Recently she has been spending a lot of time with two particular men, Billy and Don. Billy is handsome, athletic, considerate, and easygoing. He is a pediatric oncologist at the local hospital and spends his free time hiking and bicycling, trying new restaurants, and volunteering at a homeless shelter. Veronica loves spending time with Billy. She appreciates his thoughtfulness and enjoys his dry sense of humor. Last month, Billy accompanied Veronica to her cousin’s wedding. Now every time Veronica talks to her friends and family they comment on what a great guy Billy is. Although Veronica knows that Billy would make a wonderful partner, she just doesn’t feel a romantic spark.
In contrast, Veronica is extremely attracted to Don. He is attractive and charismatic, always the center of attention. Veronica loves Don’s romantic side; he can be so sweet, funny, and engaging when he calls to wish her good night. Unfortunately, Veronica never knows when he will actually call. Sometimes he calls every night for a week, and other times a month will pass with no contact. To his credit, Don is completely honest and up front: he warned Veronica that he had no interest in pursuing a committed relationship. She told herself it would be fun just to date him for a while, no strings attached. Unfortunately, her heart had a plan of its own.
If Veronica had control over her emotions, she would absolutely make herself fall in love with Billy and out of love with Don. But just as it’s impossible to push away fear and anxiety, we can’t switch feelings of love on and off. Once again, however, Veronica can exert control over her behavior. She can choose to break off the relationship with Don, although doing so will not prevent her from feeling sad, lonely, and disappointed, at least in the short term.
Sometimes we engage in a subtle, complex control strategy aimed at keeping our current positive emotions in check to avoid the risk of future negative emotions. Jemeka, for example, was initially very excited about a new job prospect but quickly backed off to avoid potential hurt. “The hours, location, and pay are perfect,” Jemeka excitedly told her friend Maria about the newly posted job available in the library of her son’s elementary school. “Exactly what I’ve been looking for to get my life back on track!” But then Maria warned, “Don’t go getting your hopes up too high.” Like most friends, Maria had seen Jemeka through many tearful disappointments, and she wanted to shield her friend from additional pain. Jemeka immediately pictured how she would feel if she didn’t get the job and quickly assured her friend, “Oh, don’t worry. I’m not expecting anything at all. I mean, there might be a lot of other people applying, and I’m sure lots of them will be more qualified than I am.” With her friend as witness, Jemeka put on a dispassionate face, but privately after applying for the job she vacillated every day between fervently hoping she’d get the job and harshly criticizing herself for doing so.
On the surface, it seems to makes sense that the best method for preventing future disappointment would be to suppress excitement and hope. Unfortunately, hope and excitement are the emotions that propel us to take chances, to apply for a job, ask someone on a date, or audition for a part. Disappointment is a natural indicator that we wanted something and didn’t get it. No matter how much we try to rationalize ourselves out of having those feelings, there is no way to take chances without them.
Trying to control anxiety not only reveals that troubling emotions are unavoidable; sometimes it also leads us to create self-fulfilling prophecies. For example, Anwah had a history of painful breakups, and she was determined to prevent herself from getting hurt again. So when she met Lata, even though she felt a strong physical and emotional connection, Anwah decided to “play it cool.” She repeatedly canceled dates and purposely ignored Lata’s texts to keep some distance between them and minimize any loss she might eventually feel over a breakup. Although Anwah exerted significant control over her behavior by turning down some of Lata’s requests, privately she felt her attraction to Lata growing. The fact that she couldn’t make those feelings evaporate on command frightened her even more; the more intense her attraction, the more devastating a breakup seemed likely to be. So she acted more and more disinterested in Lata. Ultimately Anwah was so successful in hiding her true feelings that Lata decided to pursue a relationship with someone else. Despite the stoic appearance that she maintained, Anwah was in fact devastated by the loss.
Assumption 2: Anxiety and Negative Thoughts Prevent Us from Living Fulfilling Lives
Many people try to control their emotions because they think they need to sweep them out of the way before pursuing the relationships, challenges, and activities that contribute to a fulfilling life. Remember Selena, the teacher introduced in Chapter 2 who took a job for which she was overqualified, planning to eliminate her fear of public speaking before she went back to the work she loved? Selena had put her life on hold to embark on a private journey of self-improvement. On the surface, this “tune-up” approach seems reasonable. Drain all the anxiety from the system, crank up the self-confidence, replace all those old worried thoughts with positive thinking, and go for a “practice” test drive before taking a risk on the highway of life.
Unfortunately, mindfully observing and specifically bringing beginner’s mind to evaluate the true effectiveness of this approach, often yields new insight. As Selena discovered, putting one’s life on hold or restricting opportunities during a self-improvement stage naturally elicits some pretty painful emotions, such as boredom and sadness. And although it seems like one could conjure up positive thoughts and self-confidence through self-reflection, these reactions are much more likely to emerge from interaction and engagement. Socializing with a friend, venturing out into a new environment, and taking on a risky challenge are far more likely to elicit joy, happiness, contentment, excitement, pride, and confidence than engaging in internal debate or even a marathon of self-help book reading.
Furthermore, although most of us are inclined to feel first and act later, we are not required to respond that way. You don’t have to feel particularly energized before taking a run around the lake. Paradoxically, you’re more likely to feel revived after exercising. Similarly, the authors of a book don’t need to feel enthused and inspired before each writing session. In fact, the act of writing is what typically elicits those responses. Most important, you do not have to feel confident and worry free before trying something new, taking a risk, or accepting a challenge. Ironically, taking these actions is what’s most likely to boost confidence. You do not need to be fearless to live; you need only be courageous. As Ambrose Redmoon wrote, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”
If Control Is Not a Reasonable Option, Why Are We So Attached to It?
If you take a step back and think about it, it’s sort of strange how persistent we are about trying to control our anxiety when our own experience tells us it isn’t working. Usually humans learn pretty quickly from experience. A toddler who thinks the pretty, shiny radiator would be fun to touch quickly learns it is hot and she should stay away. The teenager who tries a shortcut home from school only to find that the hilly terrain makes his walk longer and more arduous will quickly find an alternate route. One case of food poisoning is all it takes to develop an aversion to sushi. So why do we keep trying to control our anxiety when our efforts repeatedly fail? Why do researchers who study control and write books on the topic persist in occasionally attempting to control their fears and disappointments?
The message is ingrained in us by society.
One cultural message that pervades American society is that it is valuable and desirable to use logic and reason to manage emotion. Being in control of one’s emotions is often equated with positive qualities such as competence, balance, and achievement.
Take a moment and notice the thoughts and judgments that come to mind when hearing someone described in the following way: “She is such an emotional person.” Would you consider this a compliment? Despite the fact that emotions are universal and helpful, we’re often exposed to cultural messages that certain emotional responses are undesirable, a sign of weakness or character defects. We often get the message from those around us that emotions like anxiety prevent us from achieving our goals and living a fulfilling and meaningful life.
Even at a very young age, children are given both subtle and obvious messages that they should control their emotions. It’s perfectly natural for children starting kindergarten to feel some apprehension and fear. Children may also feel sad about the transition and miss spending time with their parents or caregivers. A parent might respond to her child’s reaction with validation and additional information: “I can understand why you feel a little scared. It’s a new situation and you don’t know what to expect. A lot of kids feel this way. Your teacher actually expects that everyone will feel a little scared, and she has lots of fun activities planned to make it a little easier to get used to being at school. I will be back to pick you up in 2 hours, and you can tell me all about your day.” On the other hand, another parent might attempt to reassure her child (and herself) by saying “Oh, stop it! You’re not scared, are you? Don’t feel that way; everything will be fine. You’re not a baby anymore.” Although this second parent may be trying to be helpful, a child who is feeling afraid is likely to feel confused or invalidated by this message. He or she may interpret that message to mean that (1) feeling afraid in this situation is wrong or bad in some way and (2) I should be able to get rid of or change my emotional state. And if a child repeatedly receives the message that certain emotions are undesirable and should be avoided, particularly from parents or other adults in a position of authority, these messages are likely to be internalized and personalized.
Even as adults, we frequently respond to others’ painful emotions with logic and reason in an attempt to change their feelings. We try to convince the disappointed job candidate that her dream position would have really been a dead-end job. We aim to soothe the grieving widower by stressing how his partner is now at peace. We present a list of evidence to our worried friend as to why she has no cause for fear. We justify and defend our position to those we anger. On the surface these responses may seem reasonable and helpful. Yet when we are on the receiving end of the message, often we don’t find the advice tremendously helpful. We are hardwired to feel emotions in response to events. Losses bring disappointment and sadness. Risk and uncertainty bring worry and fear. When we are wronged, we feel angry. And although these emotions do fade in intensity with time and new experiences, it is important to acknowledge and accept their appearance.
EXERCISE Your history with emotion and control efforts
Spend a few minutes reflecting on your thoughts about emotions and their expression. How did your caregivers deal with their emotions or respond to yours? Do you remember people telling you to control or suppress your emotions? Can you think of models you had for expressing emotions or models for suppressing or controlling them? What kinds of experiences have you had that might affect your motivation to try to control your emotional responses?
Others seem to be able to control their emotional responses.
Because we are not privy to others’ personal experiences, we don’t always see their private struggles with difficult and painful emotions. In fact, we often judge our insides, which we know intimately, by other people’s outsides, because that is all we can see. Often we are surprised and taken aback to find a coworker is struggling with suicidal thoughts, a neighbor has a drinking problem, or the lovely couple down the road engages in domestic violence. When you ride with people on the elevator or exchange pleasantries in the line at the grocery store, they may appear calm and in control. Outward appearances do not always reflect the struggles within.
As children, we are most at risk for imagining that the grown-ups around us are in control of their inner experiences. Most young children express their emotions quite strongly—crying when sad or angry or clutching for help when afraid. In contrast, most adults keep the expression of their emotional experiences private, so children can come to believe that it is desirable and grown-up to feel things less strongly.
Ironically, sometimes a parent will demand that a child change his emotional response because the parent himself is struggling with emotions. For example, George and his 5-year-old son Tommy recently spent the day together at an amusement park. The blistering hot weather didn’t discourage crowds of visitors from flocking to the park. As the afternoon wore on, George felt himself grow more and more irritated by the long lines, screaming children, and scorching sun. He kept trying to suppress his feelings and push on, but it wasn’t working, and he knew he needed a break from the park. “One last ride,” George warned as Tommy eagerly led him to the spinning teacups, which was not only Tommy’s favorite ride, but apparently one of the most popular in the park. Forty-five minutes later they finally reached the front of the line, only to learn that the ride would be closed temporarily for maintenance. The indifferent manner of the ride operator as Tommy burst into tears just added fuel to an already flaming fire. George felt overwhelmed by his emotions and lashed out at his son. “How dare you cry after everything I did for you today? I bought you souvenirs and snacks, took you on every single ride, and now you are acting like a baby. Grow up and pull yourself together,” George hissed into his son’s ear as he pulled him by the arm toward the parking lot.
Clearly, George was struggling with his own emotions. He found his own sadness, disappointment, and anger too much to manage, and seeing his son upset only made those emotions grow in intensity. In a desperate attempt to escape those painful emotions, George focused his effort on trying to get his son to feel differently and to stop crying. In other words, because Tommy’s pain was contributing to George’s distress, and George couldn’t control his own emotional state, he demanded that his son control his. Unfortunately, from Tommy’s perspective, the message from his dad was that emotions can be controlled and you are bad and flawed if you cannot suppress your feelings.
Control works so well in other domains.
Let’s say you wanted to build a patio in your backyard. You might start by creating a plan, removing the overgrown brush and hauling away rocks to clear the space, shopping around for pavers, and so forth. There is a series of concrete, controllable steps you can take to get the patio done. If you wanted to prepare a special dinner, you could search for recipes, create a grocery list, shop for the necessary ingredients, and then cook. Many of the problems we encounter in our daily life can be tackled through planning, persistence, and hard work. Many of the goals we aspire to achieve can be broken down into concrete steps to be completed. Unfortunately, internal states are not as responsive to this problem-solving approach.
Sometimes we can control or suppress our feelings.
Alex gets pretty nervous in social situations, and she finds that a few glasses of white wine can put her at ease and help her make small talk. Latesha has a needle phobia, but her mom can test her blood sugar if Latesha is engrossed in her favorite television show. Jessica struggles with performance anxiety before skating competitions, but she has a pre-event ritual of listening to her favorite song and warming up with her lucky gloves that helps to calm her nerves. Stewart finds that a few minutes of deep breathing before a staff meeting quiets the panicky feelings that might otherwise interfere with his ability to present his report. Alberto, racked with worry as he awaits the results of his daughter Luisa’s bone marrow test, plans a large family dinner the night before the medical appointment to distract him from his concerns.
Although both scientific research and personal experience suggest that attempting to control or suppress anxiety often results in a rebound effect of more distress and interference, there are absolutely times in which we are able to successfully push bothersome anxious thoughts and feelings away. At least for a short time, distraction techniques, rituals, alcohol or drug use, and other strategies can reduce our anxiety. These short-term successes with control often leave us believing that if we just tried harder or focused more we could gain mastery and control over our anxiety all the time. Research with both animals and humans has shown that the best way to ensure a behavior occurs over and over again is to reward it only occasionally. The fact that control strategies
do occasionally reduce anxiety
makes us keep trying them. If a dog gets a treat each time he performs a new trick, over time he may demonstrate the trick less frequently. But if the owner randomly rewards the trick, the dog’s behavior will persist. Similarly, because control strategies work in reducing anxiety every so often, we are much more likely to keep on trying them.
Unfortunately, even though control over anxiety is sometimes possible, the strategies are not always readily available or reliable, and there is no guarantee that they will work at the crucial moment. When Alex has to attend work luncheons, she is extremely uncomfortable because no alcohol is available and yet she is still expected to socialize with her coworkers and clients. Similarly, Latesha is panic-stricken when she has to undergo a medical procedure that involves a needle stick in the doctor’s office, where no television is available to distract her. When Jessica’s pre-competition ritual didn’t calm her nerves before regionals, she felt so helpless and out of control that she withdrew from the event. Similarly, Stewart was devastated when his preparatory breathing strategy failed him before a significant meeting at corporate headquarters. In addition to being anxious, he was distracted throughout the meeting by an internal tirade of criticism over not being able to control anxiety and worry about how he would endure these meetings in the future.
Control efforts are also flawed in that they do not seem to yield any long-term reduction in anxiety. The fears, worries, and butterflies in the stomach always return, often with more intensity and frequency. Repeatedly using control-directed strategies (with some successes and some failures) can also bring its own negative consequences. Although it’s unlikely that breathing or visiting with family could result in longterm negative consequences, other control strategies such as overeating or alcohol and drug misuse can become extremely problematic. Engaging in these strategies can also lead us to become more and more consumed with shoring up and improving our efforts, which distracts our attention and energy from other, more meaningful activities.
Finally, these strategies often set off a cycle that entangles us in muddied emotions. For instance, if a psychologist is asked to give a talk in front of a large audience, fear might be a clear emotional response to being asked to do something that could result in social evaluation. If she then judges this fear negatively and takes it as a sign that she is a failure, a fraud, etc., she is likely to start to feel other muddy emotions such as shame and guilt. So, in that moment, she has a very complex and intense emotional response that includes both clear and muddy emotions. In response to that very intense emotional response, she might try unsuccessfully to control her reactions. If control backfires, she is likely to be left with a complex array of muddy emotions fueled by her self-blame and disgust over not being able to exert control. This reaction is likely to cue ever stronger control efforts. This cycle of feeling a clear emotion, judging it, attempting to control it, feeling more intensely, judging more intensely, and trying harder to control can lead to significant distress. The more intense this cycle gets, the muddier our emotions get. At this point, then, these emotions don’t provide us with the useful information that clearer emotions do. They’re so jumbled up that it is hard to know what they are telling us anymore.
Anxiety is most commonly a muddy emotion. It often contains within it clear responses of fear in response to the present situation, along with muddier responses to what we tell ourselves the situation represents, and more muddy responses that come from trying not to be so anxious. It is quite reasonable to want to control anxiety, since intense anxiety can interfere with our ability to do things. For instance, if we feel afraid before we take a test, we’re likely to want to stop feeling this way, because we think fear may make it harder to remember things on the test. In actuality, fear in this situation is communicating to us that the test matters in some way and the fear motivates us to study, show up on time, narrow our focus of attention on the test, and so on. However, if we believe that fear is a problem—that it means we’re flawed, that it will interfere with our performance—we can become highly motivated to try not to feel afraid. Those efforts are likely to create an intense and muddy emotional reaction that will probably interfere with our performance on the test.
OPTION 3: CULTIVATING A MINDFUL STANCE
Adopting an accepting, mindful stance toward thoughts, emotions, images, memories, and bodily sensations involves allowing fear, worry, and other troubling internal experiences to be present and diminishing the power they have as obstacles to valued living. As we’ll discuss in the next chapter, acceptance should not be confused with surrender or resignation. We’re not suggesting that you give up and resign yourself to the fact that you must live with unbearable levels of anxiety or worry. This option involves using mindfulness practice to develop a better awareness of clear emotions and to allow them to unfold and serve their natural function, minimize the presence and power of muddy emotions, and actively incorporate valued living into your daily life.
Much of the anxiety-related distress and life interference that people struggle with is driven by critical and controlling reactions to clear emotions that produce muddy emotions and prevent values-consistent behavior. Although the evidence suggests that it is impossible to consistently and permanently control or suppress clear emotions, you can exert some control in other ways that will make a difference in your life. First and foremost, you do have the ability to exert significant control over your behavior. Choosing to be the sort of parent, partner, and friend that you value, pursuing work or educational programs that matter to you or meet the needs of your family, and engaging in satisfying hobbies or community action events are all actions over which you can have considerable control. It is likely that your struggle to control anxiety and worry has pulled you away from taking action in these areas – maybe by taking up your attention, maybe by causing you to lose some faith in your ability to make changes and move ahead, maybe because you fear taking action and feeling even more anxiety. Mindfulness practice involves bringing a new stance toward your anxiety that reduces its interfering properties and allows you to engage more freely in these valued activities.
Choosing option 3 involves changing your focus a bit. Up to this point it’s as if you’ve been involved in a time-consuming, draining, continuous tug-of-war with a monster. That monster represents your most private and personal fears and worries. Between you and the monster is a deep, dark, seemingly bottomless pit. Your primary focus of attention has been to overcome the monster in the tug-of-war, or at least hold your ground so that you are not dragged into the pit. You’ve been pulling with all your might, trying your best to overcome the monster, but the harder you pull, the harder the monster pulls on the other side, and it seems like you are edging closer and closer to the pit. You are not required to win this tug-of-war if you choose option 3. Instead, taking a mindful stance toward anxiety involves actually dropping the rope, letting go of the struggle, and turning toward what matters to you in your life. It’s possible that you will continue to hear the monster scream, groan, and threaten you. But as long as you refuse to engage in a tug-of-war, as long as you’re willing to let go of your struggle with anxiety, it will remain harmless. The choice of whether to struggle with anxiety or to let it be is in your control.
Letting it be involves not enduring unbearable anxiety but simply being willing to experience uncomfortable thoughts and feelings—clear emotions. To struggle with anxiety
or let it be? The choice
is in your control. Being willing does not mean subjecting yourself to feeling constantly anxious or overwhelmed, or that the answer to your difficulties is just to brace yourself to feel the full and overwhelming tide of negative thoughts and feelings. Through mindfulness practice, the goal will be to change the relationship you have with your thoughts and feelings, to bring some curiosity and compassion to the responses you have, to learn to tune in to your emotions and understand how they pull you to respond in certain ways, and to bring some flexibility and choice to the actions you take.
EXERCISE Noticing control efforts
To help increase your awareness of your control efforts, try a new monitoring exercise for the next week or two. When you notice anxiety, worry, or any other painful emotion or thoughts arising, make an entry in your notebook. Note the date and situation and, using your mindfulness skills, tune in to the full range of thoughts and emotions you are experiencing. Next, pay attention to any urges you had to suppress, control, or otherwise change your experience. Make a note of any obvious or subtle ways you tried to control your responses. When you begin to pay attention to your control efforts, you may find that judgments or criticisms arise. Notice these and continue practicing kindness and compassion toward your experiences. Remember that urges to control painful thoughts and emotions are a natural, often overlearned human response. Becoming aware of your urges to control is a first step toward responding to anxiety with mindfulness.