11

bringing it all together

MAKING A COMMITMENT TO YOURSELF

As we mentioned at the end of Chapter 6, it can be helpful to do a brief mindfulness practice before you read each chapter. If you haven’t practiced yet, take a few moments now to do one of the formal practices you’ve been using regularly. This will help you fully engage in the material we discuss in this chapter and make the most of it. Try a practice that involves awareness of emotions or thoughts, like the clouds and sky mindfulness exercise or leaves on a stream from Chapter 9.

Now that you’ve begun to clarify what matters to you, and you’ve begun to learn to turn toward your internal experiences rather than habitually avoiding them, you’re ready to put these two skills together and take direct steps to change your life. These changes may involve engaging in new actions, refraining from actions, or bringing more awareness to actions you’ve already been taking. As we discussed before, sometimes anxiety makes us a spectator in our lives so that even though we are living a full life, we aren’t fully experiencing it. In these cases, bringing mindfulness to our actions may be the change we want to make. Before we talk about how to go about making these changes, it can help to think a bit about what it feels like to try to make changes in our lives.

MAKING A COMMITMENT TO BEHAVIOR CHANGE

What thoughts or feelings arise when you think about making a commitment to changing your behavior? If you’re like us, you may immediately find yourself thinking about all the reasons your efforts probably won’t succeed. You may think about times when you tried to make changes in the past and failed. Or maybe you think you’ve been doing things the way you have for so long that you cannot even imagine another possibility. Or you may feel so excited about the idea of change that you want to implement all these changes immediately and find yourself feeling frustrated if change doesn’t happen as quickly as you had hoped. It can be helpful to take some time to reflect mindfully on the reactions you have to the idea of committing to change.

EXERCISE What does commitment mean to you?

Please set aside 20 minutes to write about your responses to the idea of changing your behavior. As before, in your writing we want you to really let go and explore your very deepest emotions and thoughts about the topics listed below. It’s important to allow yourself to experience your thoughts and feelings as completely as you can, because pushing these disturbing thoughts away can actually make them worse.

Write about any or all of the following topics, including just writing on one of the topics for 20 minutes. You may write about them in any order you wish. If you cannot think about what to write next, just write the same thing over and over until something new comes to you. Be sure to write for the entire 20 minutes. Please do not spend any time worrying about spelling, punctuation, or grammar—this writing is intended to be “stream of consciousness”—that is, you may write whatever comes to mind.

• What comes up for you when you think about making choices in your life and taking action based on what matters to you?

— Do you often feel like your life is full of what you should do rather than what you want to do?

— Are you doing what you want to do, but feeling disconnected from your actions?

— Are there things you really want to do but feel unable to do because of your anxiety?

• What is the importance of the values you have chosen? What do they mean to you?

• What comes up for you when you think about the idea of willingness? What is the biggest obstacle that stands between you and the changes that you want to make?

• What negative and positive reactions come up for you when you think about making a commitment? What have been your past experiences in making commitments?

You may want to repeat this writing practice for several days in a row or later on, as you continue to think about making changes in your life and the obstacles that come up for you. This type of writing can help us connect to our motivations for making changes and also the fears that may keep us from engaging in valued actions. This awareness can help us more effectively move in directions that matter to us.

Common Responses to Efforts to Change Behavior

• “I won’t succeed, so it’s better if I don’t even try.”

• “I have too much going on to try to make any changes in my life right now.”

• “I’m too anxious to make changes—I’ll wait until I feel less stressed out.”

• “I should be able to make these changes easily; if it takes so much effort there must be something wrong with me.”

• “I’ve tried to make changes before and failed, so I should just give up.”

• “Any time I fail in my efforts at changing my behavior, I should just give up.”

• “I can’t wait to get started—I wish these changes had already happened!”

All of us have had the experience of trying to make changes in our lives and not succeeding. Some of us may also have been successful in making some changes. It can be helpful to remember what has worked for us while we make plans to begin leading a more valued life. Sometimes the ideas we have about committing to change can be obstacles in and of themselves. Below we share some of our observations about making changes from our own experiences and from our work with other people.

Choice and Flexibility

Often we have gotten so used to reacting to situations and behaving automatically (e.g., avoiding anxiety-provoking situations, staying away from contexts that may cause us pain, trying to suppress our own distress) that it can take a while to get used to the idea of choosing our actions. Given your struggle with anxiety, chances are that, at least in some areas of your life, you tend to respond without thinking about it, without considering that you might actually have multiple options. This can happen for a few reasons. First, as described throughout the book, we often take our feelings as indications that we have to act in a certain way (avoid when we are anxious, shut down when we are sad, etc.). Second, our anxious behaviors can become strongly learned habits. For example, even if Sonia uses mindfulness to become more willing to experience the anxiety and self-critical thoughts that come up for her in social situations, she may find herself home alone in front of the television each night simply out of habit. You’ve begun to see that feelings and thoughts don’t have to lead to actions as part of your mindfulness practice—you can feel like getting up, have the thought that your time could be better spent, or feel sensations that make you want to move your leg, yet you can keep practicing through that. Now we’re going to work on applying that to the choices you make during your day.

An important part of living a value-guided life, then, is to recognize that our actions are choices, even if they don’t feel like they are. At any moment we can ask ourselves, “Is this what I truly want to be doing in this moment?” As we begin to play our fourth round of a computer game instead of doing the work we had planned to do for the day, we can ask ourselves if this is the way we want to spend our time or if we want to make a different choice. This recognition that we can make choices is particularly important when we want to be living our lives in ways that may not be instantly gratifying but may lead to greater longterm satisfaction. Anyone who has ever tried to adhere to a healthier diet knows that it involves choosing not to eat what you feel like eating in the moment in the service of longer-term satisfaction. Or, if you want to meet someone special but don’t feel like going on a first date, you’ll have to do so if there’s no one in your life right now whom you’re interested in romantically.

Commitment Is an Intention, Not an Action

Have you ever decided to change your behavior and then gone against that decision and felt discouraged? So have we! One of the biggest challenges to making changes in our lives is figuring out how to respond to the inevitable “lapses” we’ll experience as we go back on our commitments. No matter how strong our commitment, part of being human is recognizing that there are times when we’ll act in ways that are inconsistent with our values, that we’ll revert to anxious habits, and that we’ll make mistakes. We find it helpful, therefore, to think of committing to change as an intention rather than an action. So we can be committed to getting into better physical shape, even as we decide not to go to the gym because we stayed up too late the night before. This allows us to keep our commitment so that we can try to engage in a consistent action the following day, rather than beating ourselves up so much that we give up altogether. This strategy was very helpful for me (L. R.) when I quit smoking. I never smoked a great quantity, but it had become a very ingrained habit in certain contexts and was very challenging to give up, even though I genuinely wanted to for my health. I found that each time I committed to quitting, I would face a situation in which I convinced myself that I could have “just one” and then I would feel discouraged later because I had “failed.” This would lead me to stop trying to quit, and so I would continue smoking longer, feeling bad about myself for it. Finally I decided that I would make a clear commitment to quitting and that each time I lapsed I would have compassion for myself, because it was such a hard habit to break, and then I would recommit to quitting because I truly believed that it was better for me in the long run if I did not smoke. With this approach I was able to recover quickly each time I lapsed and return to my commitment to quit, and I eventually stopped smoking completely. Having compassion for myself in the process of quitting was also an important part of the process (see Chapter 12 for a more in-depth discussion of ways to cultivate self-compassion).

Smoking is a very concrete example, but there are many valued actions that are less concrete and yet equally (or more) challenging to make consistent changes in. Thinking of change as a process and commitment as an intention can help in these areas as well. Noushi valued being kind to her mother. However, her mother often said things that Noushi found hurtful, and she frequently reacted to these comments by saying something inconsiderate back to her mother. Afterward, Noushi would always feel bad and blame herself for not being kinder to her mother. As Noushi brought awareness to this pattern of interacting, she realized that blaming herself and feeling guilty was only muddying her emotions further and making it even more likely that she would snap at her mother, or even avoid talking to her altogether because the whole dynamic had become so unpleasant. When she brought compassion to herself for the responses she was having despite her best intentions, she found that her emotional responses became clearer and she was actually more able to respond kindly to her mother in most situations. There were still times that she slipped and said something petty or defensive, but when that happened she was more able to recover from it when she practiced mindfulness and recommitted to her intention to be kind to her mother.

As you’ve certainly noticed, it can be particularly challenging to take action in the face of anxiety. Carlos valued loyalty in his friendships and wanted to be someone who would stand up for a friend no matter what. However, in social situations his heart raced, his palms sweated, and his voice got shaky whenever he was the focus of attention. During lunch at work, one of his coworkers regularly insulted Carlos’s friend. Carlos wanted to respond but could feel anxiety each time he started to say something, and so often he did not. Then he felt so bad about himself for letting his friend down that he became even more anxious and self-conscious. As Carlos brought gentle awareness to this situation, he was able to notice that he was automatically refraining from speaking because the anxiety symptoms were unpleasant. But he continued to feel uncomfortable nonetheless. So he made a commitment to acting in a way that was consistent with his values, regardless of the anxious sensations he experienced. He used his mindfulness skills to notice the sensations for what they were—normal bodily responses. And when his coworker began insulting his friend, he accepted those responses and spoke up anyway. He noticed the shaking in his voice and the anxious thoughts that arose about how others might see him. And he looked at his friend’s face, connected to what mattered to him, and said something in support of his friend. Although he still felt uncomfortable when everyone looked at him, he also felt courageous and glad that he had spoken up.

EXERCISE Mountain meditation

The following exercise, from Jon Kabat-Zinn, is one of our favorites. It pulls together a lot of what you have been practicing up until now and cultivates an experience that can help you as you live the life you want to be living, while having all of the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that will inevitably arise. Set aside 15 minutes for this practice. As earlier, we use -ing words to impart a sense of the meditation being a process of continuing to bring awareness rather than of striving toward some end. You can download an audio recording of this exercise from the book website or read the description below before you practice it.

Pictur[ing] the most beautiful mountain you know or know of or can imagine, one whose form speaks personally to you. Focus[ing] on the image or the feeling of the mountain in your mind’s eye, noticing its overall shape, the lofty peak, the base rooted in the rock of the earth’s crust, the steep or gently sloping sides. Not[ing] as well how massive it is, how unmoving, how beautiful, whether seen from afar or up close . . .

Perhaps your mountain has snow at the top and trees on the lower slopes. Perhaps it has one prominent peak, perhaps a series of peaks or a high plateau. However it appears, just sit[ting] and breath[ing] with the image of this mountain, observing it, noting its qualities. When you feel ready, see[ing] if you can bring the mountain into your own body so that your body sitting here and the mountain of the mind’s eye become one. Your head becomes the lofty peak; your shoulders and arms the sides of the mountain; your buttocks and legs the solid base rooted to your cushion on the floor or to your chair. Experienc[ing] in your body the sense of uplift, the . . . elevated quality of the mountain deep in your own spine. Invit[ing] yourself to become a breathing mountain, unwavering in your stillness, completely what you are—beyond words and thought, a centered, rooted, unmoving presence.

Now, as well you know, throughout the day as the sun travels the sky, the mountain just sits. Light and shadow and colors are changing virtually moment to moment in the mountain’s adamantine stillness. Even the untrained eye can see changes by the hour . . . As the light changes, as night follows day and day night, the mountain just sits, simply being itself. It remains still as the seasons flow into one another and as the weather changes moment by moment and day by day. Calmness abiding all change.

In summer, there is no snow on the mountain, except perhaps for the very top or in crags shielded from direct sunlight. In the fall, the mountain may display a coat of brilliant fire colors; in winter, a blanket of snow and ice. In any season, it may at times find itself enshrouded in clouds or fog, or pelted by freezing rain. The tourists who come to visit may be disappointed if they can’t see the mountain clearly, but it’s all the same to the mountain—seen or unseen, in sun or clouds, broiling or frigid, it just sits, being itself. At times visited by violent storms, buffeted by snow and rain and winds of unthinkable magnitude, through it all the mountain sits. Spring comes, the birds sing in the trees once again, leaves return to the trees which lost them, flowers bloom in the high meadows and on the slopes, streams overflow with waters of melting snow. Through it all, the mountain continues to sit, unmoved by the weather, by what happens on the surface, by the world of appearances.

As we sit holding this image in our minds, we can embody the same unwavering stillness and rootedness in the face of everything that changes in our own lives over seconds, hours, and years. In our lives and in our [mindfulness] practice, we experience constantly the changing nature of mind and body and of the outer world. We experience periods of light and dark, vivid color and drab dullness. We experience storms of varying intensity and violence, in the outer world and in our own lives and minds. Buffeted by high winds, by cold and rain, we endure periods of darkness and pain as well as savoring moments of joy and uplift. Even our appearance changes constantly; just like the mountain’s, it experiences a weather and a weathering of its own.

By becoming the mountain in [this exercise], we can link up with its strength and stability and adopt them for our own. We can use its energies to support our efforts to encounter each moment with mindfulness, equanimity, and clarity. It may help to see that our thoughts and feelings, our preoccupations, our emotional storms and crises, even the things that happen to us are more like the weather on the mountain. We tend to take it personally, but its strongest characteristic is impersonal. The weather of our own lives is not to be ignored or denied. It is to be encountered, honored, felt, known for what it is, and held in high awareness since it can kill us. In holding it this way, we come to know a deeper silence and stillness and wisdom than we may have thought possible, right within the storms. Mountains have this to teach us, and more, if we come to listen.

VALUE-BASED LIVING

The mountain meditation may help us connect with our inner strength and stability and notice the transient nature of the thoughts and feelings that can seem to define us. Occasionally when we share this meditation with others, we hear concerns about how natural or human forces can erode a mountain. Sometimes people worry that their inner strength could also eventually be diminished by outside influences. It’s true that, like mountains, we are clearly influenced by our environment and our outward appearance most definitely shifts and changes with time. But just as the mountain is more than its weather or outer appearance, our inner resources are stronger and more enduring than whatever passing thought, emotion, or physical sensation we might experience in a given moment.

We can bring the sense of strength and stability from the mountain (or whatever image or exercise helps us cultivate the sense of ourselves as distinct from our thoughts and feelings) to our intention to live a meaningful life. Now that you’ve identified what matters to you in each of the three domains and begun to bring your awareness to when opportunities to take value-based actions arise, you’re ready to begin making commitments to valued action in your life. A good way to start making these changes is to choose an action or two you want to take each day, or several you would like to take in a week. It can be helpful to write these intentions down—you could use your notebook to write them down, perhaps one on a page, and then you can record whether you are able to act in a way that is consistent with your intention. If you do take a valued action, note whether you were able to be mindful during this action, and also anything that may have helped you to follow your intention. If you miss an intended action, note what obstacles got in your way and use that information to plan valued actions for the future.

Oscar has been struggling with anxiety for years. He has realized that he has gradually narrowed his life more and more, in a futile effort to diminish his distress. He has begun practicing mindfulness and clarifying what matters to him and is now ready to begin to make changes in his life. He decides to begin by focusing on making connections with people (he feels isolated and misses interacting with other people) and improving his care of his physical health (his eating has been unhealthy, and he has stopped working out regularly for fear of having panic attacks). During his first day, he asks a coworker if she wants to grab lunch with him and suggests they go to a sandwich shop (instead of the fast-food place he usually frequents). Although he feels anxious making conversation during lunch, he also notices that it’s nice to eat lunch with someone else and feels a sense of connection at moments. He acknowledges his anxiety as a message that he is taking risks, putting himself out there because he is a person who values having relationships in his life. When he has thoughts about how something he said sounded stupid, he notices them, brings some compassion to himself for having self-critical thoughts, and returns his attention to the conversation and the taste of his sandwich.

At the end of the day, he has a number of thoughts about why he should stay late at the office to finish some work, briefly considers the messages he has received in his life about the priority of work in one’s life, and chooses to go to the gym anyway. Although he notices his heart rate repeatedly while he runs on the treadmill, he remembers that the doctor said that his heart is healthy and that these are the kinds of reactions he always has to his heart rate, even when nothing is wrong. He is able to notice that it feels good to be running again, even as he continues to experience anxious thoughts. At the end of the day, Oscar feels pleased with himself for acting on his values so often during the day. It was challenging, and he felt uncomfortable at many points, yet he also feels the benefits of the choices he made.

Oscar had a particularly successful first day of value-guided action—we won’t all have these, and Oscar’s second day may not be quite as successful. But we can all learn from noticing how Oscar was able to engage in his valued actions. He continued to experience the same obstacles he has always experienced—he had distressing thoughts and physical sensations that were familiar to him. Rather than trying to get rid of these experiences, he expanded his awareness so that he was able to notice more positive experiences, like the feeling of running or the sense of connection at lunch, as well as the more distressing experiences that he habitually notices. Anxiety narrows our attention,
focusing it on what we find
most threatening. Mindfulness
expands our attention, helping
us fully engage in our lives. Remember that anxiety naturally narrows our attention—the ability to mindfully expand awareness can help us have a more complete experience, noticing everything that is happening, rather than only what we find most threatening. Regularly practicing mindfulness helps Oscar in this situation—he is familiar with the kinds of anxious thoughts he has and knows that they will come and go, making it easier for him to expand his attention to the rest of his experience.

Oscar also used what he learned about the function of his emotion. In the past Oscar would have reacted to his anxiety with dread. He would have focused all of his attention on trying to calm down, and if his attempts failed he would have come up with an excuse to leave. Instead, Oscar was able to acknowledge his emotion, accept its presence, and remain in the interaction.

When self-critical thoughts arose, rather than being carried off by a stampede of self-doubt, Oscar was able to observe them for what they were. He also brought compassion to his response, acknowledging for a moment how hard he is on himself and then returning his attention to the present moment.

Bringing Mindfulness to Current Valued Actions

The exercises in the previous chapter may have helped some of you realize that you already live a value-based life in many ways, but that you’ve become so preoccupied with worry and anxiety that you feel like a spectator in your own life. If this is the case, then engaging in valued action will mean bringing awareness to your current life so that you can enjoy the life you are already living. Informal mindfulness exercises can help you participate more fully in your life. The 3-minute breathing space, presented at the end of this chapter, is also an excellent practice to help with bringing awareness to our daily lives. Just before you engage in an action informed by what you value, take a few moments to practice so that you can bring heightened awareness to your action. Mindfulness can help you stop being
a spectator in your own life and
start experiencing the satisfaction of
doing what matters to you. And, as your mind wanders to other things, which it naturally will, notice it and bring it back to what you are doing right then so you can experience the satisfaction of doing what matters to you.

Sometimes people find the practice of mindfulness so relaxing that they find themselves choosing to engage in formal practice instead of engaging in a valued life. Remember that participation in our lives is what we are working toward. Formal practice can definitely help us develop mindfulness skills that we can apply in our lives. But we can also find ourselves so drawn to the peace of our formal practice that we walk out of our lives to do it. Walking away to practice for 45 minutes is not the optimal way to resolve a tense discussion with your partner, for example. You may want to draw on your practice to notice your current reactivity, bring compassion to your experience, and remember your values in this context, but staying engaged with your partner will be an important part of any resolution.

Actions Can Be Big or Small

You may be wondering how to choose which actions to focus on to begin the process of living a life guided by what matters to you. You may feel like some of your values (e.g., being in an intimate, emotionally open relationship when you are currently single) are too large to address, while others (e.g., eating healthily) are too small to focus your energy on. In our experience, choosing a balance between more extensive values like ways of being in relationships, or finding satisfaction in work, and smaller, more concrete values that may be more readily addressed is optimal. In this way, you can enjoy the satisfaction of addressing more easily manageable valued actions that have been neglected and that can help you stay motivated to pursue changes in more challenging or complex areas. It can be tempting to leave the larger areas until later, but we find that, because these areas are often the ones that matter most, keeping them in mind and slowly making our way through changes in these areas is also helpful.

Marisa went to therapy because she was experiencing extensive worry that was interfering with her life. She was dissatisfied with the level of emotional intimacy in her relationship with her boyfriend and concerned that she was not going to be able to have the type of relationship she valued with him. She also wanted to make changes in her community involvement. She had gone to church regularly growing up, but had not been able to find the time to become involved in a church since she had moved away from her family. She was hesitant to take on the value of emotional intimacy with her boyfriend, for fear it would “make things worse” and lead to their breakup. Yet she felt like community involvement really was not a priority in her life at the moment and so was also reluctant to approach this area. As she and her therapist explored her values in each area, it became clear that she was not living according to her values in either domain, and Marisa could see that this was having a negative effect on her life. Her therapist suggested that she attend to both areas in the coming week, and he and Marisa explored ways she might address each value. Marisa decided that she would make a list of potential churches in her area and attend one that Sunday to see what she thought of it. She also decided to share her emotional experience with her boyfriend at least once during the week, to see whether one of the obstacles to their intimacy was her reluctance to be emotionally vulnerable.

Marisa and her therapist found a way to take a meaningful step in a large area in her life (emotional intimacy with her boyfriend) at the same time that she took a significant step in a smaller yet important area in her life. Taking both large and small actions
can help you experience success in
moving toward what you’ve been
avoiding in different contexts.By addressing both areas at once, Marisa can see what it feels like to move toward things she has been avoiding in different contexts and has a better chance of finding some success and satisfaction from her initial efforts.

We can also identify small steps in big areas of our lives and start with those. Erik wanted to be in an intimate relationship, but he experienced so much social anxiety that he completely avoided talking to new people. The idea of pursuing dating seemed impossible to him and clearly wasn’t going to be a good place for him to start. Instead, he was able to identify initial actions, like saying hello to someone in the elevator or asking someone for her notes after class, that elicited a great deal of anxiety and discomfort that he could be willing to experience. Engaging in these actions was an important step toward making new connections, which was consistent with his value of cultivating an intimate relationship. As he engaged in more of these actions, his anxiety diminished a bit and he found that he actually enjoyed conversations with new people, even though they elicited anxiety. This new learning helped him make the next step and begin online dating.

Addressing Obstacles

As you bring awareness to the choices you are making and commit to taking valued actions in specific areas of your life, you will undoubtedly find that a number of apparent obstacles arise. Some will be internal obstacles and some external. Internal obstacles are any thoughts, feelings, or sensations that lead us to feel we cannot do something. You’ve seen that these obstacles can be addressed by cultivating willingness. Your mindfulness practice, understanding of the function of emotion, willingness to let go of the struggle with control, and growing ability to see thoughts as thoughts, rather than statements of truth, will help you continue to engage in the action that matters to you while having whatever responses you have, as Oscar did.

Internal obstacles begin to seem more challenging when emotions are muddy. Chapter 7 described numerous ways that emotions can go from clear to muddy, making them more intense and more difficult to understand. When you find that your emotional responses present an obstacle to your valued actions, ask yourself whether your emotions are muddy. If they are, bring mindfulness to your emotions. You may want to use the mindfulness of emotions exercise in Chapter 6, or “inviting a difficulty in” in Chapter 12 to help you turn toward your experience and open up to your distress, so that it can become less muddy and more clear. These practices will make it easier for you to choose to act in ways that matter to you, regardless of your internal state.

As you try to make changes so you can live in ways that matter to you, you’ll probably also encounter external obstacles. Maybe you want to be more social, but you work at home, so you never meet anyone new. Or you may want to feel challenged in your work, but you feel like you’ve mastered your current job. Problem solving can help you come up with alternatives that will allow you to pursue the actions that matter to you. Don’t be afraid to ask others for suggestions when you feel stuck.

Remember that it will be natural to rule out some of the alternatives you come up with because they may elicit discomfort or anxiety. However, living a value-guided life means moving toward what matters to you rather than away from anxiety-provoking things. Living a value-based life means
moving toward what matters to you
rather than away from what provokes
anxiety—so consider even the
solutions that make you uncomfortable
when trying to remove obstacles.So, although online dating may sound unpleasant, it may be a wonderful way to open yourself up to new people. Similarly, joining a club or getting involved in an activity may be a good way to open up your social circle. And, although it may be uncomfortable to ask a boss for new assignments, you can still do it if that challenge at work matters to you. If you’ve found external obstacles to some of the valued actions you’ve identified, take some time now to brainstorm potential avenues for moving forward in these valued directions and write them down in your journal. Write down anything that comes to mind, no matter how bizarre it sounds. Then you can review your list and choose which you want to try first.

Is Your Anger Clear or Muddy?

As we discussed in Chapter 7, distinguishing between clear and muddy emotions is an important part of living a full and meaningful life. Clear emotions give us information that may guide our actions, while muddy emotions tell us that we are having reactions to our emotions due to poor self-care, worrying or ruminating, judgments of our experience, or efforts to control our responses. Mindfulness exercises can help us clarify our muddy emotions or at least recognize the muddiness so that we know not to listen to what our emotions are screaming at us.

Distinguishing between clear and muddy emotions can be challenging, though, and there are no set rules about which emotions tend to be clear versus muddy, although you may begin to find that certain emotions are often muddy for you while others are more likely to be clear. Anger is a good example of this variability. People have very different relationships to this emotion and are often socialized very differently about anger. Some of this varies by gender, although people of both genders can have a range of responses to anger. Often men have learned that anger is one of the few acceptable emotions. As a result, when they experience more vulnerable emotions, like fear or sadness, they quickly respond with anger. This leads them to feel less vulnerable, but it interferes with their ability to learn what their initial emotion was communicating to them. In this case, anger is a muddy emotion because it occurs in response to an initial clear emotion. If you find that you are often angry or agitated, it may be that anger is commonly a muddy emotion for you and that by turning toward it and practicing mindfulness exercises (like mindfulness of emotions in Chapter 6, mindfulness of emotions and physical sensations in Chapter 7, clouds and sky mindfulness in Chapter 9, or inviting a difficulty in, in Chapter 12), you may be able to find the clear emotion underneath it.

On the other hand, women are often socialized not to express their anger and to turn away from it. As a result, they often experience anxiety, guilt, or shame in response to any inkling of anger. In this case, anger is a clear emotion that may be communicating that someone’s rights have been violated. However, the muddy emotional response interferes with this important message, making it difficult to take actions to correct the situation. If you find that you are rarely angry but often experience anxiety, guilt, or shame, you may find that turning toward these experiences and practicing the exercises listed above may help you identify any clear emotions of anger that may provide useful information. Of course, some men are socialized not to express or experience anger, and some women are encouraged to express anger rather than more vulnerable emotions. It can be helpful to think of your own relationship to anger and to use that as you try to sort through your clear and muddy emotions.

Finding Balance

You may find that as you turn your attention toward one valued domain (e.g., relationships), another suffers (e.g., work). In our experience, some degree of imbalance is unavoidable. There are times in our lives when we may focus a great deal on school or work and some of the other areas of our lives may suffer. Or we may have certain days of the week when our responsibilities in one domain make it difficult to attend to any others. Nonetheless, bringing our awareness to all three areas can help us make sure that we maintain some balance over time. Otherwise, some areas (like self-care or community involvement) may be so habitually neglected that we find over time that we are not living in accordance with our values in these domains at all. We are more likely to feel satisfied in our lives if we attend to each area at some point so that we have some balance overall, even if not in a given day or week. By clarifying our values in all domains and reminding ourselves of the full range of what matters to us, we are more likely to respond flexibly in a given moment to maintain balance.

For instance, I (L. R.) am currently very focused on writing this chapter because we promised our editor we would give her a full draft of the manuscript soon. This is consistent with my value of using what we have learned over the years in our research and clinical work to help as many people as possible. In prioritizing this value over the past several days, I have set aside long periods of time to write and edit and plan for the book. My partner has very graciously picked up many household chores to help me pursue my value in my work domain.

However, today when I was walking home from a quick errand, very focused on what I would write next once I got inside and to my computer, I noticed that our sidewalk needed to be shoveled again (the joys of January in New England). I immediately had the thought that my partner would do it, as I prepared to run upstairs and resume my position in front of the computer. Then I remembered that he’d already spent several hours shoveling in the past few days. And I thought about how I value sharing the responsibilities of maintaining our home, even though my partner often takes on more of these responsibilities because my work takes up so much time. And I noticed how automatically I had assumed that I couldn’t possibly do this now, because I had to write. I took a breath, reflected on the choice I wanted to make, and reached for a shovel.

Over the next 45 minutes, I had a number of thoughts about how cold and wet I was, how much I needed to write, and how I wished our neighbors were helping with the shoveling. At the same time, I also felt satisfaction as I cleared our sidewalk so that no one would slip and fall. And while my arms started to hurt a bit, I noticed that it was nice to get a little bit of an upper-body workout after sitting at the computer for so long. And I felt satisfaction knowing that my partner would at least get a break from shoveling this one day. And, when a teenage girl walked by on the phone saying, “Don’t cry over him. Stop crying,” I was happy for the reminder of why I wanted to get back to writing about ways to turn toward our feelings instead of away from them and live a fuller life.

This small example also illustrates the way our valued actions are a choice and that there are no right or wrong answers. I certainly could have chosen to go inside and write instead of shoveling (and my editor may think that would have been the right choice!). Sometimes, we have to choose between two equally valued options, and those choices are never easy. Yet if we are aware and intentional, we can be sure to balance out these choices over time. Today, having chosen work over contributing to our household management for so many days in a row, I chose shoveling. On another day I might choose writing. The key is to remember that these are choices and to pay attention to the consequences of our choices.

Process Rather Than Outcome

As we discussed in the last chapter, living a value-based life is a process, not something that we achieve and then are done with. It can be helpful to begin this process by choosing specific actions for a day or a week and seeing how that turns out and then choosing more actions. But eventually we want to respond more flexibly, noticing in a given moment what matters to us and acting accordingly.

Often, people who have experienced a lot of anxiety in their lives have developed a habit of trying to do things very well or perfectly all the time. While this habit can serve people very well and lead to a lot of success in different areas, it can also lead to a lot of distress and continued anxiety and get in the way of living a full, valued life. If this describes you, you may find that as you begin to engage in valued actions you are often frustrated that you are not fully living in accordance with your values or that you cannot live in a valued way in all domains at once. The next chapter helps you cultivate self-compassion, which will allow you to keep moving in valued directions, despite setbacks Perfectionism is a side effect of
anxiety that can be avoided if you
think of valued actions as a process
rather than an end in themselves.and obstacles, without getting frustrated for not being perfect.

Instead of aiming for perfection in our valued actions, we find it helpful to think of these actions as moving in a direction. At any given moment I can choose to be more open-hearted, caring, diligent, truthful, creative, or whatever else I value. That doesn’t mean that I will necessarily be as creative as I could possibly be (in fact, the more I want that, the more elusive it is likely to be). Yet I can find satisfaction in the experience of moving in the direction of what is important to me and recognize that progress. As you continue identifying and pursuing actions based on your values, see if you can keep this idea of movement in a valued direction in mind and see whether that helps you move forward.

Values clarification is also a process. As you begin engaging in actions that matter to you and finding more flexibility in your life, you may begin to wonder whether the values you have identified truly reflect what is most important to you. This is very natural. If these questions arise, you may want to write about your values again, to explore the new ideas that are arising for you. In general, we recommend sticking to a specific valued action for a couple of weeks before you give it up, so that you can see whether these questions arise from avoidance or impatience (both very human responses, particularly because the process of change can be so slow) or reflect new awareness on your part. The best way to determine whether we truly value something is to try out acting consistent with that value and see if it leads to more satisfaction in our lives. Remember that satisfaction does not mean minimal distress—instead, we are referring to a deeper sense of fulfillment and meaning, which can co-occur with distress. This is the feeling we all get when we are living a life that truly matters to us.

Remembering to Take Valued Action

We all tend to go through our days habitually, so it’s easy not to notice opportunities to practice valued action or bring mindfulness to our actions. Making a commitment at the beginning of the day can help to bring our values into our minds. Another helpful tool is practicing mindfulness during our day. Informal practice (such as washing dishes mindfully, riding the elevator mindfully, bringing awareness to our breath before we answer the phone) is one way of enhancing mindfulness throughout the day. Take a few moments to think of a few informal practices that you want to bring into your day and write them in your notebook. See how the feeling of your day changes as you regularly bring mindfulness to your daily life.

EXERCISE Three-minute breathing space

This is a briefer exercise, developed by Zindel Segal and his colleagues, that puts together a lot of what we’ve been practicing over longer periods. This will allow you to use this kind of practice during your day, giving you another way to apply mindfulness to your life, in addition to practicing it more formally as you have been. The exercise is designed to be like an hourglass—first you’ll bring awareness to your experience (the top wide part), then you’ll narrow to your breath, to ground you, then you’ll expand back out.

The first thing to do is to take a very definite posture . . . relaxed, dignified, back erect, but not stiff, letting your body express a sense of being present and awake.

Now, closing your eyes, if that feels comfortable for you, the first step is being aware of what is going through your mind. What thoughts are around? Here, again, as best you can, just noting the thoughts as mental events . . . So we note them, and then noting the feelings that are around at the moment . . . in particular, turning toward any sense of discomfort or unpleasant feelings. So rather than trying to push them away or shutting them out, just acknowledging them, perhaps saying, “Ah, there you are, that’s how it is right now.” And similarly with sensations in the body . . . Are there sensations of tension, of holding, or whatever? And again, awareness of them, simply noting them. OK, that’s how it is right now.

So you’ve got a sense of what is going on right now. You’ve stepped out of automatic pilot. The second step is to collect your awareness by focusing on a single object—the movements of the breath. So focusing attention down there in the movements of the abdomen, the rise and fall of the breath . . . spending a minute or so focusing on the movement of the abdominal wall . . . moment by moment, breath by breath, as best you can. So that you know when the breath is moving in, and you know when the breath is moving out. Just binding your awareness to the pattern of movement down there . . . gathering yourself, using the anchor of the breath to really be in the present.

And now as a third step, having gathered yourself to some extent, allowing your awareness to expand. As well as being aware of the breath, also including a sense of the body as a whole. So that you get this more spacious awareness . . . A sense of the body as a whole, including any tightness or sensations related to holding in the shoulders, neck, back, or face . . . following the breath as if your whole body is breathing. Holding it all in this slightly softer . . . more spacious awareness.

And then, when you are ready, just allowing your eyes to open.

You may have found the 3-minute breathing space to be surprisingly brief and may find that you miss the effects of longer practice. Nonetheless, this can be a very useful way to cultivate mindfulness in the midst of a busy day. Use this exercise when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or like you’ve lost track of what is important to you in a given moment. You also may find it helpful just before you engage in a valued action, as a way of increasing your mindfulness so that you can bring it into the meaningful context, like a conversation with a loved one, or an important meeting at work.

Another important practice to maintain your commitment to value-guided action is bringing your awareness back to your values and what matters to you. Because valued action so often involves engaging in something that may not feel good in the moment, but that we expect to be meaningful in the long run, being connected to the reason that we do something can help us carry out our chosen action. Getting in the habit of reviewing your notebook or doing writing assignments from time to time can help you stay connected to what really matters to you so that this can guide your actions.

Guidelines for Engaging in Actions Based on Your Values

• Bring awareness to the way you are feeling.

— Are your feelings clear or muddy?

— Practice mindfulness (of emotions, physical sensations and emotions, clouds and sky, inviting a difficulty in) to clarify emotions.

— What information do your clear emotions give you about what matters to you in this context?

• Are you trying to control or avoid your internal experience?

— Cultivate mindfulness and willingness.

— Remind yourself what matters to you in this domain.

• Cultivate compassion for yourself.

• Bring awareness to what matters to you and use that to motivate your actions.

• Participate fully, mindfully in your chosen actions.

• Regularly review all three domains to be sure you are engaging in valued actions across domains and across time.

• When you fail to take valued actions, cultivate self-compassion, explore the obstacles and address them, and recommit to your chosen actions.