12
overcoming challenges to cultivating self-compassion
As you have undoubtedly noticed, cultivating a mindful stance requires both patience and practice. The mind naturally wanders, and becoming more aware of its meandering as well as learning to escort your attention back to the present moment can take considerable effort. Observing or moving toward anxiety is also an adjustment, particularly since our usual mode is to turn away from anxious thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations, and images. The mind often resists beginner’s mind as it is constantly seeking shortcuts or quicker ways to process information. Yet we hope you have also noticed the benefits of mindfulness: the occasional quieting of the mind . . . the deeper connections you can forge with loved ones and friends . . . how becoming aware of anxiety earlier in the cycle helps us catch habitual responses like judgment and control efforts that only fan the flames of anxiety. Although repeated practice can ease the challenges of mindfulness, recall that mindfulness is a process and not a final state that can be achieved. Even the most experienced teachers and Buddhist priests need to regularly practice applying mindfulness skills in response to the natural inclination of their minds to wander, self-criticize, and judge.
One of the most challenging skills of mindfulness to incorporate into daily life is self-compassion. Psychologist Kristen Neff describes self-compassion as “being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, nonjudgmental attitude toward one’s inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one’s experience is part of the common human experience” (p. 224). When we are self-compassionate, we recognize that part of being human is making mistakes and experiencing difficulties. We see our experiences and struggles as reflective of the human condition, rather than as personal shortcomings. Instead of hiding our imperfections, or engaging in harsh self-criticism, we gently allow ourselves to acknowledge and learn from our experiences. This self-orientation can buffer us against life’s difficulties and enhance our emotional resilience.
EXERCISE Reflections on self-compassion
In the monitoring exercises, we asked you to notice when you were judgmental and self-critical, and we suggested that you practice bringing self-compassion to your anxious responses. Self-compassion is also a skill we asked you to practice through the mindfulness exercises. Have you been able to bring self-compassion to these experiences? If so, what has that experience been like for you? If you have struggled with bringing compassion to your experience, what has been getting in the way? When you think about self-compassion, do any concerns arise? Do you have any thoughts about the origin of those concerns? Do you find it easier to be selfcritical than to be compassionate toward yourself?
OBSTACLES TO SELF-COMPASSION
Practice can make compassion, like the other skills of mindfulness, more habitual. But because we all have such a strong inclination to judge many of our internal responses critically and harshly, you might find you encounter roadblocks. Anxiety is often associated with habitual self-criticism, which interferes with self-compassion. In this chapter we consider the obstacles that may stand in your way of cultivating self-compassion and introduce some exercises aimed at enhancing this elusive but valuable component of mindfulness practice.
Viewing Emotional Responses as Unacceptable
Sometimes people struggle with self-compassion because they judge their emotional responses to be unacceptable. In Chapter 6, we discussed the central role emotions play in our lives. Emotions are universal, extremely informative, and help us adapt to the challenges of daily life. Yet they are not always honored and valued. Social and cultural norms can dictate whether the expression of emotion is appreciated or devalued. As we described in Chapter 8, emotional experiences, such as fear, sadness, or anger, can be viewed as signs of weakness or a lack of self-control, so that they often automatically elicit self-criticism and judgment, which are the opposite of self-compassion. These judgments can become such a habit for us that we don’t even notice the harsh responses we continually have to our own emotional reactions. Furthermore, our own confusion about emotions when they are muddied by poor self-care, thoughts about the future, memories of past events, fusion, and/or critical reactions can lead us to become even more judgmental and nonaccepting. This judgment and self-criticism can lead to even more muddy emotions, which are judged even more harshly, creating a cycle of distress. Becoming aware of the function of our emotions, understanding the ways they can become muddied, and bringing clarity to our responses when they arise can help increase our compassion. In addition, bringing self-compassion to any emotional experience we have, regardless of how muddy or intense it is in the moment, can stop the cycle of escalating distress and anxiety and help to clarify our emotional responses.
Bringing compassion to our emotional responses can be extremely challenging, particularly when we’ve learned to respond the opposite way to these feelings. The poem “The Guest House” (at the beginning of Chapter 9) seems so foreign when we first encounter it because building a barrier to emotions, rather than inviting them in, is such a common, habitual response. Yet this response leads to constriction in our lives, rather than willingness and freedom. Cultivating mindfulness toward these emotional responses is therefore a very important part of learning to live a value-guided life. We and the people with whom we’ve worked have found the following mindfulness exercise, adapted from The Mindful Way through Depression, particularly helpful in cultivating self-compassion. This exercise uses the physical sensations that arise in the presence of challenging emotions to help us learn to respond to these emotions with gentleness and care instead of judgment.
EXERCISE Inviting a difficulty in and working with it through the body
Before you begin this exercise, think of a difficulty you’re experiencing right now. It doesn’t have to be a significant difficulty, but choose something that you find unpleasant, something that is unresolved. It may be something you are worried about, an argument or misunderstanding you’ve had, something you feel angry, resentful, guilty, or frustrated about. If nothing is going on right now, think of some time in the recent past when you felt scared, worried, frustrated, resentful, angry, or guilty, and use that. Now read through the following script and then practice this exercise, sitting on a cushion or a chair. You can also download a recording of the exercise from the book website. (Again, we’ve used the -ing form of verbs to give the sense of mindfulness as a process, not a destination.)
Noticing the way you are sitting in the chair or on the floor. Noticing where your body is touching the chair or floor. Bringing your attention to your breath for a moment. Noticing the in breath . . . and the out breath . . . Now gently widening your awareness, take in the body as a whole. Noticing any sensations that arise, breathing with your whole body.
When you are ready, bringing to mind whatever situation has been bringing up difficult emotions for you. Bringing your attention to the specific emotions that arise and any reactions you have to those emotions. And as you are focusing on this troubling situation and your emotional reaction, allowing yourself to tune in to any physical sensations in the body that you notice are arising . . . becoming aware of those physical sensations . . . and then deliberately, but gently, directing your focus of attention to the region of the body where the sensations are the strongest in the gesture of an embrace, a welcoming . . . noticing that this is how it is right now . . . and breathing into that part of the body on the in breath and breathing out from that region on the out breath, exploring the sensations, watching their intensity shift up and down from one moment to the next.
Now, seeing if you can bring to this attention an even deeper attitude of compassion and openness to whatever sensations, thoughts, or emotions you are experiencing, however unpleasant, by saying to yourself from time to time, “It’s OK. Whatever it is, it’s already here. Let me open to it.”
Staying with the awareness of these internal sensations, breathing with them, accepting them, letting them be, and allowing them to be just as they are. Saying to yourself again, if you find it helpful, “It’s here right now. Whatever it is, it’s already here. Let me be open to it.” Softening and opening to the sensation you become aware of, letting go of any tensing and bracing. If you like, you can also experiment with holding in awareness both the sensations of the body and the feeling of the breath moving in and out as you breathe with the sensations moment by moment.
And when you notice that the bodily sensations are no longer pulling your attention to the same degree, simply return 100% to the breath and continue with that as the primary object of attention. And then gently bringing your awareness to the way you are sitting in the chair, your breath, and, when you are ready, opening your eyes.
Pia had an argument with her teenage daughter, Leah, before school in the morning. Leah arrived at the kitchen table wearing a skimpy tank top and ripped jeans. Pia reminded her that these were her weekend clothes, not clothes she was allowed to wear to school. Leah responded with anger and ended their argument by storming out of the room, shouting, “I hate you! You don’t care about me!” On her way to her therapy appointment, Pia kept replaying the exchange, feeling anxious, with sensations of tightness in her chest and stomach as she recalled the look of anger on Leah’s face. She found herself worrying about Leah’s recent moodiness and rebellion and imagining that the conflict in their relationship was going to just worsen. Pia kept telling herself to let it go, not to worry, not to let Leah get to her that way. But her mind returned to the image again and again, as she obsessed about the future of their relationship. She told her therapist about what had happened and agreed to practice “inviting a difficulty in” to work with her emotional responses. After spending several minutes breathing into her chest and belly, opening up to the physical sensations of anxiety, the tightness and pain she felt, Pia felt the tightness release, and tears came to her eyes. She felt deep sadness at the emotional distance between her daughter and her. She also felt profound love for Leah and concern for her well-being. As she repeated to herself, “It’s already here,” she felt how this pain and struggle were an integral part of loving this human being through this stage of development. When she opened her eyes, she felt at peace with the sadness and the fears of parenting a teenager, and remembered as well the joys that came from this experience. She felt compassion for herself and also for Leah, as they made their way, together and apart, through this challenging time.
Often when we open up to our emotional experiences and allow them, we can really feel how they are a part of our humanness and a part of living a full, meaningful life. This exercise is a helpful way of accessing this experience. Many people we have worked with have found, over time, that simply repeating the phrase “It’s OK; it’s already here” can help them drop their struggle with their emotions and open up their feelings of self-compassion. Use this exercise in your own life when you feel like you are fighting with your anxiety or other emotions or criticizing yourself for having them and see what emerges when you soften toward your experience instead of trying to keep it at bay.
Believing Self-Compassion Means Heaping False Praise on Ourselves
Some resistance to the idea of self-compassion springs from a misunderstanding of the concept. For example, one may equate self-compassion with the loosely related, but distinct, concept of self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to a self-evaluation or judgment about how much we like, appreciate, or value ourselves, often relative to other people. Although it is a widely popular concept in our society and many initiatives and efforts are aimed at increasing self-esteem, there has also been some backlash and controversy surrounding the concept. At first glance, it seems difficult to argue against the benefits of helping people feel positive about themselves or special. The trouble with self-esteem is that it is often anchored to performance, achievement, or appearance. If I make the elite baseball team, acquire a fancy sports car, or have a pleasing physical appearance, I may have high self-esteem. But if I end up on the bench, drive a clunker, and put on some weight, my self-esteem may plummet. The movement away from competitive contests in schools and sports was motivated by the belief that coming in last place in the school spelling bee or being the slowest in a race might harm a developing child’s self-esteem. On the other hand, some have argued that these practices lead to falsely inflated perceptions of abilities and intolerance of struggle or failure. In other words, if Daniel is praised lavishly for his performance whether or not he exerts any real effort or has any skill, in the service of increasing his self-esteem, he may develop real behavioral and interpersonal problems. Many argue that high self-esteem is necessary for a happy and successful life, but the research on self-esteem produces mixed findings. It seems like moderately high self-esteem may be associated with well-being, but high self-esteem has also been connected with self-absorption, narcissism, and problems with social functioning.
In contrast, self-compassion is an unwavering stance we hold toward ourselves that is independent of achievement, appearance, or behavior. It doesn’t require self-evaluation, self-comparison, or judgment.Self-compassion does
not equal self-esteem. This stance can be maintained through successes, failures, praise, and blame. Furthermore, the compassion we generate for ourselves comes from the recognition that all humans are imperfect and everyone experiences suffering. The assumption is that not only do we have compassion for ourselves; we also have compassion for all humans as they face similar struggles.
Believing Self-Compassion Means Ignoring or Denying Our Mistakes
Some people fear that self-compassion requires sugarcoating reality or seeing one’s behavior through rose-colored glasses. Interestingly, psychologist Mark Leary recently found that people high in self-compassion are actually more accurate in their observation and evaluation of their own behavior than those low in self-compassion. He and his colleagues also found that when people are self-compassionate they are more likely to take personal responsibility for a negative event and less likely to be overwhelmed by distress resulting from the event. Taking a self-compassionate stance
means accepting your inherent worth.Similarly, psychologist Kristen Neff found that students high in self-compassion were more likely to consider receiving an unsatisfactory grade on a midterm to be an opportunity for growth and improvement and less likely to focus on negative feelings or use avoidance as a coping strategy. Students high in self-compassion were also unique in that they were academically motivated more by curiosity and the desire to develop skills than by the need to defend or enhance feelings of self-worth.
Fearing Self-Compassion Will Turn You into a Lazy Softie
Some people worry that if they are self-compassionate they will lose their motivation to work hard and “do the right thing” and instead will become lazy and complacent. This reaction reflects a deeply ingrained cultural belief that punishment enhances motivation. Brian was a client we saw in therapy who strongly objected to the idea that he should bring self-compassion to his fear and anxiety. He thought increased self-discipline and a steely resolve to face his fears were what he needed to advance in treatment. Brian drew an analogy between the tough, “no-excuses” philosophy he brought to his anxiety and his strict authoritarian approach to parenting. Brian frequently expressed his viewpoint that children these days suffered from a lack of self-discipline that put them at risk for behavioral problems and underachievement. He attributed this growing problem to a cultural shift toward permissive parenting and parents’ unwillingness to assert their authority and punish their children for inappropriate behavior.
Similarly, Brian believed the lack of self-discipline and a general “softening” of our society was contributing to the rising prevalence of anxiety and depression. Brian believed that his own battle with anxiety could be overcome with mental toughness. But given his lack of success in applying these principles to his own behavior, he skeptically expressed a willingness to consider another approach.
Despite Brian’s firm belief in the benefits of his authoritarian style of parenting, he admitted that he had a rocky relationship with his children and wished they were closer. He also conceded that his children regularly misbehaved and got into trouble despite his unwavering commitment to household rules and his consistent follow-through with punishment. Brian’s take on the situation was that his anxiety made him appear weak and that it was undermining his parental authority. Initially he clung to the belief that he needed to come down harder on himself and his children, but as Brian’s frustration and hopelessness grew, he agreed to consider other explanations and solutions.
Brian was becoming more observant and aware of his own behavior and its associated consequences through mindfulness practice. Thus we invited him to use these skills to objectively evaluate the accuracy of some of his core beliefs about parenting. After a few weeks of careful self-monitoring, Brian discovered that while many punishments and restrictions had the desired short-term effect, there appeared to be subtle, unintended longer-term adverse consequences. Brian’s children rarely disagreed with him or questioned his authority when he attempted to restrict or control their behavior at home, but they repeatedly acted out at school and in unsupervised situations. Brian noticed that his children did not seem to internalize the lessons he was trying to impart. Although they would “talk the talk” in his presence, dutifully using polite language and completing their chores, behind his back they often cheated, lied, and behaved aggressively. Like many children raised by authoritarian parents, Brian’s children were resentful about the punishment and restrictions on their behavior and showed little motivation to act in ways consistent with his values when they were freed from his control. Paradoxically, the more harsh and critical Brian was in response to his children’s behavior, the more trouble they caused.
Although initially skeptical about alternative parenting styles, Brian acknowledged that his methods seemed to be ineffective and that they might be poisoning his relationship with the children. We shared with Brian the wealth of evidence from both animal and learning research that rewarding positive behavior is more effective than punishing negative behavior. After a few weeks of “catching his children being good” and reinforcing them for positive actions, Brian was impressed with the modest but significant improvement in their behavior and the impact on the harmony within his home.
We then asked Brian to bring the same beginner’s mind and careful observation to the consequences of self-criticism on his emotional state and behavior. We asked him to observe the relationship between threats and harsh self-criticism and motivation and follow-through. After a few weeks of self-monitoring, Brian saw a similar pattern emerge. Although self-threats seemed to motivate his behavior in the short term, they backfired in the long term. For instance, Brian used negative self-talk such as “You are fat, lazy, and ugly, and Debbie is going to divorce you unless you work out and lose 50 pounds by the summer” to motivate himself to get out of bed and go to the gym after a sleepless, anxiety-ridden night. These harsh threats propelled him to the gym 3 days in a row, but by day 4 he was disgusted and ready to quit.Self-criticism is only a
short-term motivator. Brian couldn’t think about exercise without hearing judgments and criticisms, and the thoughts generated considerable sadness, anger, and hopelessness. Overwhelmed by muddy thoughts and emotions, he turned to distraction as a method of self-soothing and preserving his sense of self-worth. Brian started oversleeping, avoiding anything associated with exercise and healthy living, and searching for solace in a carton of ice cream.
Authoritarian parents threaten and punish their children, producing short-term compliance but long-term rebellion, distress, and avoidance. Similarly, taking a harsh and critical stance toward oneself may generate some movement, but over the long haul it typically backfires. A compassionate parent encourages the child to learn from mistakes, to constantly improve and grow. These lessons are all delivered in the context of understanding and unconditional acceptance. The child does not have to earn love or work to demonstrate his innate value. Self-compassion involves a similar stance, balancing self-acceptance with committed change and action. Children of compassionate parents are willing to seek challenges and take risks. They tend to be resilient, curious, and engaged. Similarly, you may find yourself lighter and freer, and more willing and able to pursue your values, if you take a self-compassionate stance.
Sometimes people worry that, even if being critical has its downside, being compassionate will lead to complete inaction and sloth. This is an understandable fear for those of us who have continually criticized ourselves as a form of motivation. We have never had the opportunity to try out compassion and see whether, in fact, we do stop doing anything. If you find that self-compassion
makes you lazy, don’t worry: we
humans find it amazingly easy to
start criticizing ourselves again.Given the negative consequences of the continual self-criticism, doesn’t it seem worth trying another way? If you find that you truly do stop accomplishing anything when you practice compassion toward yourself, you’ll certainly be able to pick up criticism again easily.
EXERCISE Is self-criticism motivating?
Do you try to criticize, cajole, and bully yourself into certain behaviors and activities? Spend some time mindfully monitoring your stance toward yourself, emotions, and behavior. Notice what feelings come up when you are critical versus compassionate. Notice whether you feel resentful or satisfied when engaging in actions prompted by threats versus values. Do you fear that if you are compassionate you will no longer be motivated to do anything? Try being compassionate toward yourself for a day and see if you truly do stop working hard or trying things.
Believing Self-Compassion Is Selfish
Sophia is a shining beacon of hope and care in her community. She is the volunteer coordinator at the local soup kitchen, where she helps prepare and distribute hot meals to homeless citizens. She also prepares and delivers meals to sick and homebound members of her church. Sophia organizes drives aimed at collecting medical supplies and personal care items to be distributed to citizens of Honduras and Guatemala who are in need of assistance. Through the foster grandparent volunteer program Sophia reads to children in Head Start programs throughout the city.
Those who are regularly served and supported by Sophia, and cheered by her presence, would be surprised to learn of her private struggle with anxiety. Although she has made significant strides, Sophia continues to have residual symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder stemming from a fatal car accident she witnessed 5 years earlier. Sophia’s friends and acquaintances would be even more surprised to learn how judgmental she is toward herself. Sophia dismisses her painful emotions as silly, embarrassing, and trivial, particularly in comparison to the suffering experienced by those she serves. She views therapy as self-indulgent and refuses to accept a referral from her physician even when he expresses concern about the potential impact of her disrupted sleep and hyperarousal on her physical health. Sophia also refuses to listen to the mindfulness CDs lent to her by a concerned friend. Sophia cannot justify setting aside time for herself when there are so many people in need of her help and support. Only after a minor car accident, caused by Sophia’s drifting off to sleep as she drove some friends home after a long day of volunteering, does she consider the potential importance of self-care.
Sometimes people resist the idea of self-compassion because they view engaging in self-kindness and care as selfish. Cultural forces teach many of us to put the needs of others before our own. Interestingly, there may be some biological basis to this instinct as well. In addition to the fight–flight–freeze response, there is evidence that humans, particularly women, tend (or take care of others) and befriend (affiliate with others) when faced with stress. Psychologist Shelley Taylor hypothesized that stress elicits the hormone oxytocin, which motivates caretaking and social behavior.
Just as it can be both protective (when facing a gunman) and harmful (when facing a boss) to engage in fight–flight–freeze in response to a feared situation, there are both benefits and costs to tending/befriending. Caretaking behaviors may reduce anxiety and strengthen relationships, but if we overextend and exhaust ourselves in the process, our efforts will be compromised. Taking care of ourselves through self-care and self-compassion is a prerequisite to caring for and supporting others. Consider the warning to put the oxygen mask on yourself before your kids should the cabin lose pressure on an airplane flight. While a parent’s inclination may be to tend to the needs of the child first, suffering oxygen deprivation will likely undercut the parent’s effectiveness.
Believing One’s Behavior Doesn’t Merit Self-Compassion
The view that self-kindness and care are selfish is closely related to another obstacle to self-compassion—the notion that we don’t deserve it. There are two variants to this theme. The first suggests that our personal weakness, poor choices, and bad behavior do not warrant compassion. Many people honestly admit they have purposely done wrong and hurt others. As a result, self-kindness, gentleness, and acceptance are seen as undeserved.
Kat recently left her husband, Troy, and their 9-month-old baby to pursue a relationship with Max, the drummer in the house band at the bar where Kat worked as a waitress. She tearfully confessed all of her recent transgressions to her friend and confidante Sadie when she arrived at Sadie’s house looking for a place to stay. Kat and Troy’s relationship had grown increasingly strained since the birth of their baby, Gina. Kat worried incessantly about her ability to be a good parent and constantly sought reassurance from Troy even for minor decisions like whether she was dressing the baby appropriately for the weather. Kat harbored secret concerns that the fear, boredom, and physical exhaustion she had felt since Gina was born were abnormal responses reflecting her inherent inadequacy as a parent. Kat worried that Troy was repulsed by how fat she was and by the dark circles under her eyes, and she accused him of hooking up with other women. She also obsessed over the seemingly unrelenting financial pressure of supporting a child, and she avoided the daily calls from creditors demanding immediate payment.
Troy began to pick up additional shifts at work, and while Kat understood that they needed the money, she grew increasingly lonely and stressed by the demands of her new role. Kat tried attending a “Mommy and Me” playgroup, hoping that it would ease her sense of isolation. But the moment she walked in she knew she was out of place. Most of the women were dressed like they were headed for lunch at the country club, in neatly pressed khakis and button-down shirts. Kat self-consciously tugged at the stained sweatshirt riding up above the waistband of her faded jeans as she searched the group for a potential friend. These women were all so calm, happy, and competent; clearly, she didn’t fit in.
On the way home, Kat stopped at a bar that had a help-wanted sign in the window. She was hired on the spot, and she arranged for a neighbor to watch Gina a few nights a week while both she and Troy worked. Kat couldn’t wait to get out of the house, and she enjoyed chatting with her customers since it distracted her from her worries. But soon her main motivation was to see Max. She was immediately attracted to him, and she hastily stuffed her wedding ring into her pocket when he first approached her. Within a week, they were spending a few hours together at Max’s apartment each night after work. Kat was wracked with guilt about her failure as a parent and her betrayal of her husband, but Max was like a balm that calmed all her fears and quieted her critical thoughts. A month into the affair, she quit her job without telling Troy so she could spend even more time with Max. Kat felt like a zombie getting up with Gina every morning because she was exhausted and sometimes hung over from the night before. She frequently napped for hours at a time while Gina remained trapped in her playpen with only the television to entertain and comfort her. More than once, Kat woke up abruptly at the sound of a car pulling into the driveway and groggily realized she hadn’t fed or changed Gina since the morning.
Soon the anxiety, stress, and guilt of living a secret life became too much for Kat. She scribbled a note telling Troy she was leaving him for good and left it with the babysitter. Not knowing what else to do, Kat rushed to Sadie’s house for support.
EXERCISE Compassion and bad behavior
What is your reaction to Kat’s story? How do you feel about the way she treated Troy and her baby daughter? Do you think Kat has a self-compassionate attitude? What makes you think she does or doesn’t? What role might self-compassion play in getting Kat’s life back on track?
Kat engaged in a number of behaviors that were selfish and harmful to those around her. Her culpability in betraying Troy and neglecting her baby is undeniable. Kat is completely responsible for her actions and the choices she has made. Does she deserve compassion? Does it seem like she is operating from a self-compassionate standpoint?
Had Kat made different choices, it would be easy to feel compassion for her. Transitioning into the role of parent is extremely challenging, particularly if one has limited personal, social, and financial resources. Most new parents feel overwhelmed, resentful, angry, hopeless, and ashamed at one point or another. Yet not all parents engage in harmful behaviors. Some people may react to this story with the thought that Kat was already being too easy on herself, putting her own needs above others’, and the belief that Kat doesn’t deserve to engage in self-compassion. In fact, when Sadie started to validate some of Kat’s feelings, Kat recoiled in anger, claiming that she was a despicable human being who didn’t deserve to be forgiven or understood.
Paradoxically, it may be that Kat’s inability to bring compassion to her clear emotions and reactions to parenthood contributed to her troubling behavior. Had Kat been able to accept that all new parents feel insecure and ambivalent about their role at times, honor her body for the miraculous task of carrying and birthing a baby, allow herself time to recover physically, People who lack self-compassion
often vacillate between selfhatred
and self-indulgence. and acknowledge the real stress financial pressures place on couples, she may have been less compelled to behave as she did. If Kat had had self-compassion, perhaps she could have tolerated her painful emotions. She may have been less compelled to search externally for love and validation.
Self-compassion can help Kat make amends and move forward. If Kat operates from the assumption that she is valid and worthy and that all humans are flawed and capable of really screwing up, she may be more willing to acknowledge her mistakes, accept responsibility for her actions, and make choices consistent with her values. Self-compassion can prevent
us from engaging in the
“bad” behavior for which
we then beat ourselves up.In contrast, if Kat feels personally threatened by any less-than-desirable thoughts, emotions, or actions, she will continue to do whatever she can to avoid and escape sadness, anxiety, or guilt. People who lack self-compassion often vacillate between self-hatred and self-indulgence. They cajole and punish themselves until they can no longer take it and then seek distraction or escape.
Self-compassion doesn’t let us off the hook for behaving badly. It doesn’t defend or justify unacceptable or inappropriate behavior. Instead, self-compassion, or the understanding that we are imperfect beings, allows us to own our mistakes and engage in reparation.
EXERCISE The defensive mind
Take a moment and think about an issue you struggle with or something you don’t like about yourself (e.g., “I sometimes gossip about others”). Now, come up with an extreme self-statement about the issue or behavior (e.g., “I am the worst gossip in the world, I cannot be trusted with a secret, and I relish the attention that comes with talking about others’ misfortune”). Repeat the extreme statements a few times and see how your mind reacts.
Often, unless we are being mindful, our mind will react by defending itself (e.g., “Now hold on a minute; I am not that bad”). Extremely negative self-thoughts can prompt defensive responses or even excuses, particularly when we are fused with our thoughts.
The mind works the other way as well. Think of an attribute you admire in yourself (e.g., “I am a good friend”). Once again, pump up the volume (e.g., “I am the kindest, most generous, most perfect friend anyone could have”). Often our minds respond negatively as we strive for moderation (e.g., “Well, actually, you are a pretty good friend, but what about that gossip problem?”).
As an aside, it can be useful to try to defuse from both extreme statements, positive and negative. You may find that as you observe each thought with curiosity, the emotional rebound of your mind is less intense. When you make room for extreme thoughts, you are less compelled to react to them.
EXERCISE Your personal experience with compassion
Self-compassion starts with the assumption that all humans are valuable and worthy regardless of their physical characteristics or achievements. Yet we are bombarded with contradictory messages. Parents, teachers, bosses, friends, the media, and society at large teach us that women should be thin yet shapely, that men should be tall and muscular, that an A is the only acceptable grade, that one needs to make the all-star team and be easygoing, upbeat, and friendly to be acceptable as a human being. As you practice mindfulness following the script below, take a moment to consider the personal messages you’ve received throughout your life about your own self-worth. Did anyone suggest, subtly or obviously, that it was contingent on your appearance or achievements? This next exercise can be downloaded from the book website.
Beginning by noticing the way you are sitting. Noticing where your body touches the chair or floor. Then gently bringing your awareness to your breath. Noticing where you feel it in your body. Noticing the sensations as you inhale and exhale.
As your awareness settles on this moment, allowing thoughts and memories to arise that relate to messages you have received about your self-worth. Picturing yourself in different situations and relationships, noticing what you observed, what you were told, how you were treated.
Attending to the sensations in your body, any tightness or tension, and acknowledging the thoughts as they pass through your mind. Observing your emotions as they arise and unfold over time.
Noticing any judgments you may have, or urges to push painful thoughts away.
Just noticing your experience and bringing a sense of curiousness and compassion to what you are experiencing. Staying with any thoughts and images that pull your attention and observing them just as they are. Noticing yourself as the observer of all that you have been taught or told. And bringing compassion to yourself for experiencing these thoughts, images, and emotions.
When you are ready, bringing your awareness again to your breath and the present moment before you open your eyes.
Many people struggle with mindfulness because they don’t feel worthy of self-compassion based on their learning and past experiences. Perhaps you’re ambivalent about your worthiness. Some days or in certain situations you feel compassionate toward yourself, and other times you don’t. Maybe you can understand and comfort yourself for feeling sad over the death of a loved one, but it’s not acceptable to feel sad if you aren’t invited to join your coworkers for lunch. Having doubts or contradictory thoughts about the idea of self-compassion is pretty common. You’re not required to feel worthy or valuable to bring compassion to yourself. What is required is willingness and intent. You can bring all the skills you have been introduced to in this book in response to the thought “I do not deserve self-compassion.” Instead of buying the content of that thought, you might observe it, allow it to be present, and bring compassion to it: “Of course I have these thoughts and feelings. This idea of low self-worth is deeply ingrained in me.” And you can choose to engage in valued actions in the presence of that thought. You can think, “I don’t deserve to be treated kindly” and still treat yourself with kindness. Just like willingness, self-compassion is a stance that we assume. Self-compassion requires
only willingness. You
don’t have to feel worthy.We don’t need to feel self-compassionate or have the thought that compassion is the answer. Every reader has what he or she needs to bring an attitude of self-compassion to this very moment. It may be challenging and require some intention and practice, but we all have this capacity. What is needed is a leap of faith.
STRATEGIES AIMED DIRECTLY AT CULTIVATING SELF-COMPASSION
Throughout the book, we’ve presented information that we hope will help you cultivate self-compassion. We find that often just reminding ourselves that our reactions are human and understandable can help us feel more compassion toward ourselves. When we can see that our emotions are muddy and understand why this is, often we can be gentle with ourselves no matter how intense those reactions are. Practicing a whole range of mindfulness exercises can also help cultivate self-compassion. In particular, we find that the “inviting a difficulty in” exercise can help us soften toward our experience and bring an attitude of kindness toward ourselves. The exercise below can also help cultivate compassion when our thoughts are particularly critical.
EXERCISE Mindful observation of self-critical thoughts
This is an exercise you might try when you notice you are being harsh or critical toward yourself. You can also download a recording of the exercise from the book website.
Beginning by noticing the way you are sitting. Noticing where your body touches the chair or floor. Then gently bringing your awareness to your breath. Noticing where you feel it in your body. Noticing the sensations as you inhale and exhale. You may feel the breath in your belly, your chest, the back of your throat, or your nostrils. Just allowing your awareness to settle there for a moment as you feel yourself breathe.
As your awareness settles on this moment, bringing your attention to the self-critical thoughts you are having. And as best you can, observing them for a moment either as words on leaves floating down a stream or as words projected on a movie screen. Although you may feel a pull to judge those thoughts, change their content, or push them away, as best you can just acknowledging their presence and allowing them to be as they are.
Now see if you can associate these harsh and critical thoughts with a source. Perhaps these hurtful words come from an ex. Maybe a friend said them to you in anger. Or you heard it from the popular kids back when you were in school. Maybe this is a message that came from your parents.
See if you can “hear” these thoughts in different voices. Your boss complaining about your performance. Your mother arguing with you about your weight. Instead of perceiving these thoughts as a part of your character, see if you can observe them as the complaints or insults of others. You might even visualize the messengers dispensing their poisonous messages. For a few moments, taking a curious and observing stance, watching your thoughts pulling for your attention like advertisers on a television program competing with each other for your attention and trying to convince you of the veracity of their message. Each thought tugging at you and vying for attention like a room full of needy toddlers.
And when you are ready, bringing your attention back to the breath and opening your eyes.
Sometimes, although we struggle to bring compassion to ourselves, we may treat others with more kindness or forgiveness, such as a friend, a sibling, a partner, a child, or even a cherished pet. Although it may seem awkward at first, it can help to draw on some of these relationships when responding to your own thoughts, emotions, or sensations.
Georgia has a strong, loving relationship with her younger sister, Maya. When Maya beats herself up for something she has done, Georgia typically responds in a kind, loving, and patient manner. For example, Maya called Georgia, desperate and tearful, afraid that her husband, Derek, might be cheating on her. She was looking for clues and trying to prevent a breakup. Maya confessed she felt weak and dependent. She wished she could remain cool and aloof and hard to get to make Derek want to pursue her. With shame and embarrassment Maya admitted to Georgia that she was using Derek’s password to sign on to his e-mail and Facebook accounts, looking for evidence of his infidelity.
Georgia first validated Maya’s experience: “Of course you want to be loved by someone and feel special. We all want to connect with someone and have those strong bonds. Wanting that for yourself doesn’t mean you are weak or dependent on men.” Even though Georgia didn’t agree with her sister’s actions, she didn’t take them to reflect some fatal flaw in her sister’s character. In a loving and accepting way, she helped Maya see her mistakes and encouraged her to address them moving forward: “You’re right that signing on to his Facebook account and reading his e-mail were both breaches of trust. Whether or not he is cheating on you, that’s not the kind of person you want to be. It’s natural to fear the loss of this relationship and to want to prevent it, yet you can’t control his behavior if he really does want to break up. If you engage in desperate actions, it’s likely just to make you feel worse about yourself. Focus instead on what you can control and the kind of person you want to be. What do you want to say to Derek?”
Unfortunately, when it came to her own experiences and behavior, Georgia was much harsher and less forgiving. We asked her to imagine that she was responding to Maya whenever she noticed a critical or judgmental self-reaction—to talk to herself the way she might talk to her sister. Although Georgia found this method clumsy at first, over time she was able to develop new ways of responding to herself.
If you’re anything like us, you might be thinking, “Well, sometimes I’m compassionate toward others, but other times I can be sort of nasty, petty, and critical toward them as well.” Welcome to the human race. It’s not uncommon for us to be as judgmental and critical toward others (at least toward some people or at least some of the time) as we are toward ourselves. You may find that as you develop a more expansive and compassionate stance toward yourself, your tolerance for the foibles of other humans increases as well. The point is that you don’t need to be Mother Teresa to achieve self-compassion. Model your self-reactions on times when you’ve been caring to and understanding of others. Or use a role-model relationship to guide you. The images you use should be personally relevant and workable for you. You might draw on the parenting behavior of a fictional character from your favorite novel, the kindness you’ve seen a friend show his partner, the effective and inspirational way a boss relates to her employees, or even draw from your idea of the relationship between an important religious figure and his or her followers. Whatever works for you.
Developing a self-compassionate stance is both extremely complicated and deceptively simple. It is complicated for all of the reasons described in this chapter. So many of our learning experiences reinforce the idea that self-worth needs to be earned, that harsh, relentless criticism builds character and motivates us to succeed. And yet the solution seems to involve just a simple leap of faith. As we invited you to drop the rope in your tug-of-war with the monster or anxiety, we invite you now to consider letting go of the struggle to prove that you are worthy of compassion. Instead, we ask you to work from the assumption that ever since the moment you were born you have been a person worthy of love, acceptance, and compassion. You didn’t have to prove your worth as an infant, and you don’t need to prove it now. Instead, the assumption is that all humans deserve compassion. There is no doubt that we all make mistakes, sometimes extremely harmful ones. Yet if we are compassionate, and we allow ourselves to feel the emotions humans feel and make the mistakes humans make, we also have the power to make small and large contributions to our friends, families, coworkers, and communities. Imagine if rather than focusing all your energy on proving your worth you were free to focus on fully living your life.
Of course, intending to practice self-compassion doesn’t mean we will feel self-compassion all the time. This aspect of mindfulness is just like mindfulness itself—a process that we have to turn our attention to, again and again and again. We will all judge and criticize ourselves, reflexively, no matter how much we cultivate self-compassion. But each moment offers a new opportunity. When you notice that judgments and noncompassionate reactions arise, you have taken the important first step of bringing awareness to the kinds of reactions you are having to your experiences. Next, see if you can bring compassion to yourself for having that struggle. And if you find yourself instead judging your lack of self-compassion (as we all do at times), see if you can have compassion for yourself for that. And if, instead, you judge yourself for your judging, see if you can have compassion for that. And so on. At any moment, we can interrupt this cycle of self-criticism and feel for our own humanness and how we naturally respond to challenges in ways that can make things harder at times. Sometimes it will take much longer than others for us to make this shift, and that’s part of being human too. See what you discover when you begin to add self-compassion to moments of difficulty in your own life. Notice how this is possible, even at the moments it seems the most impossible. For us, this is part of a lifelong journey of growth and discovery.