Super Awkward, or Just, Like, Normal Awkward?
“Hey,” Hudson said as he slipped into the desk next to me, rubbing his forehead.
“Hey,” I said, not looking at him. I hadn’t heard from him since I texted him, apologizing. Since I asked if we could still be friends. I’d watched the door at volleyball the entire game, even missing out on a few points. Three full days. Three full days I’d been left to wonder what the heck was going on in his head. Three days I ruminated over my words and his lack of response. And three days was a long damn time.
“That shouldn’t have happened. I know you aren’t—” He waved a hand around.
“Don’t,” I said, looking at him and then back to my earpiece. I’d been passing it between my hands as I waited my mandatory ten minutes. “Listen, I’m not looking for a boyfriend, or a friend with benefits, because everyone knows those arrangements always end badly. I need a tutor, and that’s you.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it.
“I’m sorry. I am. I like you and if this were eight months from now, then, trust me, we wouldn’t be having any kind of conversation like this, ever. But it’s not, and it is what it is.”
“It’s just—” He sighed loudly, before releasing a frustrated growl; my stomach tightened in response.
“I really like you.” He blurted the words as if they would burn his mouth if he didn’t, his eyes shooting to the front of the classroom and then back. “And I don’t believe in bad timing.”
I lifted my head from my hand as the sounds of the room increased. “Can we just be cool?” I asked, knowing those were the wrong words the moment they were out of my mouth. “I mean, can we just, you know, rewind?”
“Bonjour, tout le monde!” Dr. Clément said as he approached the podium and slipped the transmitter over his neck. Shuffling papers and scraping chairs took my attention away from Hudson briefly.
He opened his mouth to respond, but he said nothing as he pushed out of the desk. Later? he mouthed as he took a step backward.
I nodded as I slipped on my earpiece.
* * *
“Okay, it’s awkward,” I said to Serena as I slid into the chair opposite her in the dining hall.
“How so?” she asked as she chewed her bagel. Today she expanded her culinary horizons to include buttered noodles; a huge pile sat on a small plate next to the other half of her bagel.
“I hadn’t heard from him since I sent him that text, and then he plopped down next to me before class and I said that it shouldn’t have happened, and then he said he really likes me.” I picked up my sandwich with the intent to take a bite.
“How is that awkward?” she asked sarcastically.
“Because obviously, I am an asshole,” I said, deciding against the bite.
“Well,” she said, “yes and no.”
“Tell me the yes.” I crumpled up the napkin I was holding, tossing it to the side and crossing my arms.
“You are kind of leading him on,” she said with a bite of noodles. “But, like, I mean that in a purely girls-can-do-whatever-they-want-with-a-guy-and-just-walk-away type of way. You don’t owe him anything, per se, but he’s a great guy so I kind of feel bad for him, you know?”
I shrugged as I picked a piece of lettuce out of my sandwich and tossed it aside. “And no?”
“Well, you told him you didn’t want anything, right? Like, he knows about Paris.”
I looked just over Serena’s shoulder and out the windows that made up the back wall of the dining hall. It gave a perfect view of the lake across campus.
“You didn’t tell him, did you?”
“I did tell him, but it came out all shitty.”
“Well, don’t you think you should tell him in a nicer, less shitty way?” she asked, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair. “Or else we’re going to have another Cody on our hands.”
I shook my head, deciding to take a bite of my sandwich, chewing as I thought it through.
I swallowed the mouthful of food. “Part of me doesn’t want to tell him anything more than I already have,” I said. “The other part of me knows better.”
“The part of you that doesn’t want to tell him anything more is the part of you that likes him, so that makes sense.”
I ran my fingers through my hair. “I told him I just needed a tutor,” I said with a grimace. “Like, I actually said I didn’t want a relationship, I just needed a tutor.”
“If you weren’t my best friend, I would call you an asshole.”
I pushed my tray aside and rested my head in my arms. “Call me one anyway.”
“Nah,” Serena said as she rummaged through her bag. “That would let you off too easy. You need to talk to him and make this right.”
“And how am I supposed to do that?” I asked, lifting my head from my arms just as she snapped a picture of my miserable face. “Noooo,” I whined, putting my face back into my arms.
The camera clicked a few more times before Serena rummaged through her bag again, putting her camera away.
“Just talk to him. Tell him what’s up. Be honest.” She laughed. “You know, just like you always tell me to be with Michael.”
“Yeah, and how does it go with Michael?” I asked, my nose pressed to the table.
When Serena didn’t respond, I said, “Besides, honesty didn’t work with Cody.” I sat up, my hunger outweighing my need to sulk.
“That’s because you never liked Cody this much.” Serena snagged a chip off my tray and popped it into her mouth.
“And you don’t think it’s the same situation with Hudson?” I said, swatting her hand away from taking a second chip. “You don’t think he likes me more than I like him? Like, on a scale of one to ten, he’s at an eleven and I’m just not.”
“Edie,” she said, her chin sinking to her chest as her eyes stayed on me. “Don’t be ridiculous. You might not be at an eleven, but I haven’t seen you like this in a long time. You don’t both have to be at an eleven, and you know that, so stop asking me if it’s the same and start asking yourself.”