“Stop lying to yourself, Edie. You messed up and now you regret it,” Serena said as she paced the room gathering textbooks.
I wasn’t lying to myself; I knew I messed up, and of course I regretted it. I hated regret.
“You look like total crap, too, FYI,” she added. She stopped in front of me as I sat on my bed.
I sighed as I rested my chin in my hands and strummed my fingers against my face.
“We’ve lived together for a year and a half now, and I’ve seen you in sweatpants and a hoodie more this weekend than ever. It’s unsettling, if I’m being honest,” she said with a fake shiver.
“Ha ha.” I looked down at my crossed legs. I had been wearing the same heather gray sweatpants since Friday. I picked at them as Serena continued.
“Seriously, Edie,” she said, pulling at my arm to get me to look at her. “I’ve never seen you this mopey.”
I looked up, chin still in my hands. Serena wasn’t wrong, I was mopey, but I couldn’t get anything done because I couldn’t concentrate on anything but Hudson. The interaction we’d had in the quiet room.
“I can’t see you like this,” she said, turning on her heels. “Your hair is a mess. You’re wearing zero makeup, and I’ve already mentioned your clothes.”
I had so much work to do. I’d gotten a few things done, but I couldn’t even look at my French book without feeling like total crap.
“I can’t deal with this level of miserable,” she added.
She couldn’t deal with my miserable? It wasn’t like I was handling my miserable any better.
“Just call him, please.” She turned back toward me. “Or text him. Or email him. Or send a carrier pigeon. Or, like, I will go to his room and personally hand him a note. Just do something with yourself.”
I let my head fall back as I stared at the ceiling.
“Plus, we have a game tomorrow night and we need you,” she said.
“I’ll be there,” I said, righting my head only to catch Serena with the camera aimed my way. “Don’t you dare!” I said, putting my hands up to shield my face, but I wasn’t quick enough.
“I need to document your misery,” she said, capping the camera. “For a different project. I’m going to call it ‘A Girl on the Brink of a Life of Solitude: The Edie Kits Story.’”
“I hate you,” I said, flopping onto my side.
“You don’t hate me. You love me.” She hiked her tote bag onto her shoulder. “And we need I’d Hit That Superfan Edie with the Style present and accounted for at our game tomorrow night. Don’t let us down, boss.”
I sighed. “I’ll be there, don’t worry,” I said. Serena threw me a smile over her shoulder as she left the room.
I looked at my phone as the scene from the quiet room played again in my head. Me telling him that I wanted to kiss him and then him telling me no … but then the way he held my face. How sweet his eyes had been.
ME: I’m sorry.
I stared at the words. Send or don’t send? Send or don’t send?
I pressed send and put it into the universe’s hands.
The phone vibrated against the bed almost immediately.
HUDSON: I should be the one apologizing.
ME: No. I’m the one who said I wanted to keep things strictly in the friend zone, but then I tried to kiss you in what felt like another perfect moment.
I smiled as I remembered his argument for our first kiss being the perfect kiss.
ME: I don’t blame you for telling me no and letting me walk away.
I dropped the phone before I could send anything else.
It vibrated once, twice, three times. I stared as it lay facedown on my yellow quilt.
HUDSON: It felt perfect to me too.
HUDSON: Which was why I said no.
HUDSON: I can’t have another perfect kiss with you only to have you wake up the next day and realize it was all a mistake.
Oh …
The phone vibrated again.
HUDSON: I could punch myself in the face for letting you walk away unkissed. I don’t know what I was thinking.
HUDSON: I keep reliving it in my head over and over.
HUDSON: I guess I’m a glutton for punishment.
HUDSON: Like I said, I would get into all sorts of trouble over you.
I couldn’t help but smile. I dropped the phone and sank my face into my pillow, hiding the blush that crept down my neck. I pressed my smile into the pillow before pulling away and picking up my phone.
ME: So you wanted to kiss me? Despite all the stupid things I said.
The phone vibrated before I had a chance to set it down. I smiled before I even opened it.
HUDSON: Yes.
ME: Despite knowing how I feel?
HUDSON: Yes.
There was no way out of this. It would be so easy to fall for Hudson, hook, line, and sinker. It would be so easy to be with him, be happy … but that only led to pain. A pain I didn’t want to feel, let alone put him through.
ME: Knowing that I leave for Paris on June 1 and might not return until the spring semester?
I hit send knowing exactly how he would respond.
HUDSON: Yes.
I pressed my palm into one cheek and then the other. They were starting to hurt from smiling.
ME: SMH.
I expected the phone to vibrate immediately, but it didn’t. I opened the text box and then closed it. Opened it and closed it again as I waited. Maybe he didn’t know what else to say. Maybe he felt like he’d said too much—
The phone vibrated before I could finish my thought.
HUDSON: Can I see you tonight?
HUDSON: I need to see you tonight.
HUDSON: Will you meet me in outer space? (aka my dorm room)
I smiled as I texted him back.
ME: Yes to both.