chapter 10
Leveling the Playing Field
“Teachers and coaches don’t get it—they expect everyone to be outgoing and aggressive. And when you aren’t, they assume you don’t care. It’s so wrong.”—Bishar, Age 16
The opening quote for this chapter highlights one of the biggest issues introverted children face in our Western culture—the belief that everyone should be outgoing and aggressive in order to get ahead; that somehow success cannot happen without those essential characteristics. As I highlighted in the previous chapter, introverts are not the social or aggressive members of the group. This does not mean they are not motivated. They simply show their commitment in other ways. Hard work and dedication, taking time to help others, intensely listening to coaching, and building connections with a few team members—this is how the introvert demonstrates his commitment to his interests.
In this chapter, I want to focus on the competitive aspects of our culture, building on the interventions in the previous chapter. Children are faced with a higher level of competition than ever before. They are enrolled in more and more extracurricular activities in the name of enrichment. Their academic expectations are rising as well, with an emphasis on high-stakes testing and college preparation. Schools have cut creative arts programs, as well as creative thinking venues. Everything has become goal oriented with reduced emphasis on process. Group collaboration has replaced innovative thinking in education.
Don’t get me wrong. The shift in education has developed from a need to improve student achievement and help make our children competitive in a global workforce. But at what price? There are limited opportunities for the introvert to shine in this type of venue.
As I’ve stated previously, introverts do best when they understand the “why” behind the assignment. They like to experience information in depth and therefore hate to be rushed through tasks. They are innovative and independent in their work efforts. These are skills to be harnessed and developed.
So how can parents help bridge the gap between the current type of expectations placed on introverted thinkers and their natural style of learning? How does the playing field get leveled?
Parents can start by helping their children know what the expectations really are in school. Sit down with them and explain temperament—theirs and the others they may encounter in the room. Help them to understand that neither is better or worse, just different. Once your child understands her temperament in relationship to the school expectations for performance, help your child develop social competency in the areas of initiating conversations with adults and peers, public speaking, and self-advocacy. Taught early and practiced often, these skills, and those on page 109, can help your introverted child be competitive in any environment.
As your child begins to practice and use these social skills, it is imperative that he or she remember to balance out the new and exhausting skills with time to renew. Revisit the healthy habits (page 68) from Chapter 6 and teach your child how to balance the need to be social with the need to renew. This is a balancing act that will need to be frequently reflected upon, as introverted adults and children often struggle with these seemingly opposing motivations. Being on the lookout for signs of frustration and burn-out, including withdrawal and agitation, is a great way to check your child’s level of balance.
Social Competency Skills for Introverts
❖ Teach communication skills to your introverted child. Practice initiating conversations.
❖ Help your child practice ways to stay calm and flow with life’s ups and downs.
❖ Teach your child to quiet the chatter in his or her head.
❖ Help your child learn to laugh at life.
❖ Build tolerance and flexibility in your introverted child.
Academic performance is only one area of competition facing many of our students. Extracurricular areas, including sports and the arts, also include a level of competition for most children. This competitive overlay can be a source of motivation for the extrovert, and something that overwhelms the introvert.
I want to share a story of one child I’ve worked with in the past. She was a competitive swimmer with Olympic dreams. Starting at age 6, she swam every day. Although very quiet and reserved when her coaches spoke to her, she always listened intently to what they said and incorporated their suggestions into her stroke. She also competed at swim meets, exceeding the goals set by her coaches. On the pool deck, she seldom talked with friends, preferring instead to listen to her iPod and read a book.
One day, her coach decided to move her to a top-level group. She was thrilled. On the day of her first practice at that level, she was sick and barely able to finish the set. Her coach didn’t know about the illness and thought she was not ready to move up after all. He suggested that she go back down to her previous group. Unable to explain that she was sick, the swimmer silently nodded and joined the other group.
Her coach never knew that she felt like a failure. He never understood the constant self-talk confirming that she wasn’t good enough. He didn’t know about the impact of her introversion.
The girl swam for another week before asking her mom if she could quit.
This story highlights some of the realities of introversion. Her inability to talk with her coaches and express her desires and fears, as well as the constant self-talk that replayed her perceived failures over and over again are all aspects of her introversion. Had that been recognized, she could have been coached to respond differently, perhaps with a different outcome. The point is that many times the behavior we see someone engaging in is seldom motivated by the reasons we assume. It is important to understand our children in light of their unique temperament, learning styles, experiences, and personalities.
Sports offer children great opportunities. But they can also be a source of unbearable anxiety. As parents, it is important that you listen to your children and monitor their emotional reactions to the activities they are involved in. Do not be afraid to jump in to coach or support your child if he is struggling at any point with the competition he is experiencing in his extracurricular or educational activities.
How do you jump in to help? What does it mean to be a good emotional coach to your children? I talk a lot about emotional coaching in my book Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students (Fonseca, 2010), citing coaching strategies as a great way to assist gifted children in learning how to manage their emotional responses to the world. The same advice bears repeating here, with reference to helping introverted children. Introverted children need to be reminded that there is nothing wrong with their particular view of the world. Yes, they approach things in a different manner from their extroverted counterparts, but this is neither a good nor a bad thing. It is simply a difference in hardwiring.
Being a good coach involves three distinct skills. The first is unconditional high regard. If we want our children to embrace their unique nature, then we must. Children need to grow up knowing that no matter how much we understand, or don’t understand, their temperament, we accept them exactly as they are. This does not mean we allow inappropriate behavior; it simply means that we love them unconditionally first. As I discussed in Part II, it is important for our introverted children to have structure, rules, and consequences in the home setting. But we can love them for who they are while we are helping to shape their behavior.
In addition to unconditional high regard, coaching involves good communication and collaboration skills. It is important that parents develop effective communication skills to use with their introverted children. This will not always be easy. Introverts will shy away from direct discussions, especially if the topic is their feelings. They will often resist any conversation that makes them feel like they have failed. If they are already overwhelmed, they will often yell or scream instead of talk. Learning how to work through these roadblocks can be challenging. The tip sheet on page 112 highlights some ways to overcome the more common communication roadblocks. Effective coaching relies on being able to communicate and guide the introvert.
Overcoming Communication Roadblocks
Communication roadblocks can happen from the child and from the parent. Use the tips below to overcome the problems, regardless of how they arise:
❖ Overcome whining, yelling, and ignoring forms of communication with these actions:
○ Remain calm; keep emotions out of the equation.
○ Clearly and concisely state your desired outcome.
○ Remind your child of the consequences for good and poor decisions.
○ Follow through on whatever is decided.
❖ Overcome threatening, making judgments, and shaming with these actions:
○ Use clear and concise language.
○ Remain emotionally neutral.
○ Stay focused on your goals.
○ Don’t take the behavior personally.
Remember that introverts struggle with intense emotions. Help maintain communication by remaining calm and focused.
Many times it will feel like your introverted children are not listening. Trust me, regardless of their willingness to openly discuss difficult topics, they are always listening. Don’t force a response from your introverted children. Let them listen and take time to process what you are saying. They will come and reengage with you when they are ready. You just need to be available to them when they are.
The last aspect of emotional coaching involves motivation. Effective coaches motivate others to accomplish more than they think possible. As parents, this can be accomplished by encouraging your introverted children to explore their areas of interest and allowing them some freedom to explore these areas at depth. Teach your children how to manage their energy levels, remembering that most introverted children will run low on energy by the evening hours. The more you can encourage their comfort with themselves, the more they can begin to see the strengths of their introversion. That is when they can learn to embrace it and be as competitive as their extroverted peers. Refer back to the tips on page 113 anytime you need to refocus on being an emotional coach to your children.
We live in a competitive global society, taught that the first one up the mountain wins. As adults, we recognize that this is not always the case. Life has a way of reminding us that journeys are at least as important as destinations. Teaching your introverted children to focus on process, embrace their unique temperaments, and balance the need to be competitive and social with the need to renew are all strategies that will prepare them to be the best they can be. And isn’t that what we want for our children?
Class Notes: Enhancing, Not Hindering, Performance
Performance and mastery—nowhere is this focus stronger than in today’s classrooms. The truth is that we live in a world that measures success in terms of performance and skill mastery. Process is not always emphasized the way many educators believe it should be. As has been stated throughout the book, introverts don’t always thrive in performance-dominated environments. So how can the teacher maintain the performance quality that is required in our current educational system and enhance, rather than inhibit, the learning of the introvert? Are these two things mutually exclusive?
Being a Coach to Your Children
❖ Coaching involves effective communication, teaching, and motivation.
❖ Communication involves understanding the child’s needs and wants, active listening, and dealing with roadblocks as they arise.
❖ Teaching involves helping your child understand his or her introversion and focusing on teaching how to think, not what to think.
❖ Motivation involves having unconditional high regard for your child and being a source of inspiration.
I believe the answer is a resounding “no.” Balancing the educational focus on both mastery and process is the key. By maintaining the balanced approach, more students will be able to demonstrate their talents. Furthermore, differentiation becomes easier as the teacher learns which students are mastery focused and which are process oriented.
Balancing the approach requires using a broad definition of assessment, one that gives credit for both the process of deriving an answer and the answer itself. It also requires a focus on learning for the sake of learning.
Do you allow students to create projects or tasks for some content areas, giving them some flexibility on depth of study? How about exploring unique areas of study within content standards? In today’s ever-changing global market, it is even more important that our students learn to think and problem solve. Focusing on both process and result enables this to occur while also providing a venue for the introverted learner to shine.
COMPETITION Q&A
We live in a competitive world. Sports, business, the arts—so much of it is about winning and losing. It isn’t surprising, then, that I receive a lot of questions regarding competition and temperament. These questions were pulled from online parent focus questionnaires and my workshops.
Should competitive sports be encouraged for introverted children?
Sports are healthy for kids—all kids. Being involved in sporting activities teaches goal setting, teamwork, discipline, and physical fitness. That said, care should be taken with introverted children when picking the sport. Let your child take the lead and explore a variety of sports before settling in on one or two. If your child is getting stressed in team sports like baseball and soccer, encourage individual sports like swimming or cross country. Likewise, if the attention given during some individual sports overwhelms your child, consider a recreational sport. The key is to find a venue that allows your child to find common interests with peers, while minimizing the potential negative impact of competition and social pressure.
Another positive aspect of competitive sports is the opportunity for physical activity. As I’ve previously mentioned, introverted children tend to live in their heads, mentally analyzing every aspect of their day. Sports often provide respite to the chatter, allowing both a different type of mental activity and, for many, a break from the mental chatter.
Is there really a downside to competition for introverted children?
Like anything, there are drawbacks to competitive sports for introverted children. Sometimes, the pressure to win can be overwhelming to the introverted child. This can be especially true in team sports. The child may interpret any errors as being his or her fault. But, because of his or her inhibited nature, she may not be able to talk with the coach about it, leaving the feelings to fester and grow. Then there is the issue of risk-taking. As I mentioned earlier, many introverted children struggle with taking academic risks for fear of failure and perfectionism issues. This same hesitancy with academics can extend to any area, in particular competitive team sports. It is important to help your child learn to take risks while also making certain that the competitive environment is not turning toxic to your introverted child.
What skills should introverted children learn to help them deal with our current educational system that focuses on collaboration and group work?
I believe any child benefits from learning basic extrovert skills. Learning to communicate effectively, lessening the mental chatter, and strengthening flexibility are all tools that will enhance the introvert’s ability to shine in a group setting. Furthermore, learning to take setbacks in stride and balancing the need to be heard with the need to support the extroverted friend are other skills that will help the introverted child.
As the parent of an introverted high school student, I am worried about the impact of academic competition on my daughter. At the same time, I want her to have every opportunity to get into a great college. Should I be concerned, really?
Academic competition is commonplace on high school campuses now, especially within honors programs. The need to add more and more to the college application, while maintaining a GPA above a 4.0 can drive the most balanced of students into the depths of stress. This is even more true for the introverted child who has not yet learned to deal with stress.
As I mentioned previously, introverted children are naturally self-reflective, often analyzing every minute aspect of their lives. This ability to self-reflect is both an asset and a curse to the child in an honors program. Often, these programs challenge the most academically proficient. And while the challenge is good, it is often accompanied by falling grades. This may be new territory for the child. As an introverted child, he may engage in endless reflection on the failure, getting stuck in a place of stress until he becomes overwhelmed. It is important to help your child achieve the things he wants to achieve without becoming overly stressed. Teaching him to relax is a great way to put your child in control of his emotional reactions throughout the day. This may help quell the stress inherent in rigorous programs.
Helping Your Students Destress
❖ Maintain a safe and calm classroom environment.
❖ Teach relaxation techniques and practice them with your class.
❖ Encourage preparation as a way to combat test anxiety.
❖ Teach test-taking skills.
❖ Speak openly about performance-based stress and how to deal with it.
❖ If you become concerned about a student, reach out to both the student and the parent.
I work with many gifted introverted students. What advice do you have for me in helping them deal with highly competitive honors programs in high school?
Similar to the previous question regarding some of the problems introverted children face in rigorous academic programs, this question is all about teaching children to handle the rigor without collapsing under the stress. A teacher is in a unique position to function as a coach for his or her students, teaching both academic and affective content. The tip sheet above is a great list of things you can do in your role as teacher to help your student.
In a Nutshell …
Big Ideas
❖ We live in a highly competitive world that focuses on results more than process.
❖ Introverts may struggle with results while excelling at process.
❖ It is important for parents and educators to understand some of the difficulties introverts may face.
❖ Introverts can learn social competency skills that help them compete.
❖ Parents can serve a unique role for introverted children by being a “coach” to them, helping them to develop the skills needed to be competitive in sports and school.
❖ Coaching requires unconditional high regard, strong communication skills, and the ability to motivate.
Supplemental Pages
❖ Tip Sheet 14: Social Competency Skills for Introverts?—page 109
❖ Tip Sheet 15: Overcoming Communication Roadblocks—page 112
❖ Tip Sheet 16: Being a Coach to Your Children—page 113
❖ Tip Sheet 17: Helping Your Students Destress—page 116