chapter 6
Nurturing Resiliency
“I am tired of feeling like I don’t quite fit in, tired of being ashamed of how shy I am in every situation.”—Sun, Age 13
Resiliency, defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as the ability to recover or adjust to change, is a necessary tool in today’s ever-changing world. Parents serve as a child’s first coach in this vital area and make the difference between the child developing a strong level of resiliency or being vulnerable to life’s chaotic whims with few emotional resources to draw on for support.
Researchers have determined three predominant attributes to resiliency—the development of a strong sense of autonomy or mastery over one’s environment, the ability to connect deeply with others and find support and comfort in that connection, and the ability to manage one’s emotional reactivity to life’s situations—and several subdomains within the attributes that contribute to the framework of resiliency (Prince-Embury, 2005). All of these aspects woven together can provide children with a layer of protection against the hardships of life. Over the next several pages, I will examine the various attributes, pointing out ways that introverted children may be at risk, as well as providing strategies for parents to reduce the risk factors and nurture resiliency.
As mentioned above, developing a strong sense of autonomy over your environment is one of the cornerstone factors for the development of resiliency. Introverted children, who seldom feel control over the environments at home and at school, can struggle in this area as they grow and develop. Taking a closer look at the development of autonomy can provide some insight as to why introverted children may struggle, as well as point the way to strategies parents can use to negate the potential negative impacts.
Optimism, or the ability to see the positives in life, factors greatly in the development of autonomy over one’s environment. Furthermore, the ability to adapt to life’s curveballs without becoming overwhelmed is another important aspect in learning to master your environment. Both of these factors can be somewhat problematic for introverted children. As the introverted child becomes overwhelmed with environmental demands, she gets stuck. Changes in routine will often result in stubbornness as a way for the introverted child to establish control whenever she feels her life spiraling out of control. The child may dig in her heels, refuse to accept any form of help, and adapt a pessimistic point of view as life’s demands begin to overwhelm her temperament. Eventually, if the child is not coached how to regain some autonomy over the situation, an explosion will ensue, all because the child got “stuck.”
So what is a parent to do? How can you help your child prevent the rigidity and stubbornness that often comes when his mastery over the environment is threatened?
I think the answer is two-fold. First, it is important to allow the child as much control as is appropriate over the situation. The tip sheet on page 63 can help you know what questions to ask yourself as you determine how much choice or control to give the child.
Sharing Control
The following self-reflection questions can help when determining how much autonomy to give your child:
❖ Will my child be safe with either choice?
❖ Is my child able to make this decision?
❖ What is the downside to either decision?
❖ Will the opportunity for choice hinder my child’s development in some way?
The second step is teaching children how to recognize what aspects of life are within their control and which things are not, as well as what to do about it all. In doing this, introverted children learn the art of discernment, a skill that will forever enhance their ability to not only develop a sense of mastery over their world, but also learn how to let go of things outside their sphere of control. It is a skill that will help them learn to regulate their moods and adapt to a world that will not always understand their introverted ways.
To learn discernment, I use a technique I originally developed in my work with gifted children, called the Hula Hoop technique. The tip sheet on page 64 outlines the technique and how to teach it to your children. Use this whenever your introvert is getting stuck and rigid. It may help to calm down the rigidity before it gets too far out of hand.
The Hula Hoop Technique
❖ Imagine there is a hula hoop or some other circle on the ground.
❖ Step into the middle of it.
❖ Everything outside of the circle is outside of your control. This includes friends, family, school … everything. Except you!
❖ Everything inside of the circle you have 100% control over, including your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and actions.
The next time something upsets you, use this technique and decide whether or not it is something you can control. If it is, great! You can change it to change how you feel. But if it is not, then you need to let it go and move forward.
Self-efficacy, or the belief that you can perform successfully in a given situation, is one of the last factors influencing autonomy. Believing that you are able to navigate life’s ups and downs requires both good problem-solving skills and the ability to seek help when needed. Introverted children are often innovative problem solvers. Using their natural tendency to seek complex connections, they are often able to navigate most problems when they are afforded enough contemplation time. The problem comes when they are expected to work more quickly than is comfortable or when they need to ask for help. These two situations can be challenging for the introverted child and can negatively influence the overall development of strong self-efficacy skills. Parents can help to support introverted children by encouraging children to ask for help, teaching a few “survival” extroversion skills, and refining their problem-solving skills. We will be addressing each of these in the upcoming chapters. For now, focus on teaching discernment and adaptability as effective ways to nurture the development of autonomy.
Before I move on to the other aspects of resiliency, I want to point out one of the strongest attributes of introversion is related to the development of an internal sense of mastery over one’s environment. Feeling a sense of mastery requires belief in your ability to have some control over the world around you. Introverts, by nature, do not look outward for confirmation or validation. They rely on their inner strengths and dialogues as a measure of their ability to master their feelings and their environment. This attribute can be coached into a significant strength as introverted children begin to use that natural tendency for discernment toward the development of a strong self-efficacy.
Building supportive connections is another major aspect of resiliency. Although I will be discussing the social aspects of introversion, I wanted to take a moment now to discuss it as it relates to resiliency. Built on the factors of acceptance, comfort, and support, building connections can be both a challenge and a potential strength for introverted children.
Introverted children are not shy by definition. They are keenly interested in people, often wanting to get to know them at a deep level. However, they are not always comfortable around people, especially larger groups. In these situations, the introvert is often overwhelmed, resulting in withdrawal.
Acceptance is another thing that can impact the building of supportive connections. If the introverted child has been accepted by parents and siblings, as well as at school, then he is more likely to develop strength with regard to connections and resiliency. However, if the child has been rejected or misunderstood related to his introversion, the opposite may occur and the child will again become overwhelmed and withdrawn.
Parents can help introverted children develop strong and supportive connections by providing a healthy foundation within the home, as discussed in Chapter 5. Furthermore, parents can help introverted children develop what I call a circle of support—a visual reminder of the child’s support system. This circle of support can serve as a reminder whenever the child withdraws related to his feelings of being overwhelmed. The worksheet on page 66 outlines the circle of support. Complete this with your child as a way to increase trust and build connections.
Circle of Support
Directions: List all of the places where you spend time and the people you feel safe with in each location. I have started listing a few places and people for you.
| Place | Person(s) |
| Home | Mom, Dad, sister, brother |
| School | |
| Church | |
| Sports | |
Use the list to help your child make a “circle of support” he or she can rely on when needed. It is important that introverted children know whom they can turn to for support and which people will understand them.
Perhaps one of the more difficult aspects of resiliency to work with is emotional sensitivity. Involving a child’s emotional reactions to situations and the level of recovery a child demonstrates, emotional sensitivity can be a difficult area for introverts. As I discussed in the first section of the book, introverted children often hold in their emotions until they explode. At first glance, they may appear to be handling setbacks in stride. More often than not, they are overthinking the emotions and bottling them up inside before exploding. The stress response for the introvert often takes longer to trigger than it does in his or her extroverted peers. However, introverts are more uncomfortable with the feelings associated with a stress response, resulting in a larger, more intense reaction to relatively low levels of anxiety or stress.
Recovery time, like processing time, may be slower with introverts. Part of this is related to their brain chemistry. They will often require downtime away from family or friends in order to reestablish an appropriate baseline. Additionally, as introverted children process so much of their world internally, it may appear that they have reachieved a calm state when, in fact, they have not. They can reignite their emotions with small triggers and take an even longer time to achieve balance.
One of the best things a parent can do to assist in stabilizing the emotional reactivity of their introverted children is to teach and support healthy habits. Getting enough sleep and exercise can help children maintain emotional control. Furthermore, paying close attention to eating habits, with an emphasis on balanced diets, can provide the biological support introverts need in regulating their emotions.
Figure 5 outlines some of the healthy habits introverts need in order to thrive. Helping your child focus on these things can assist you as you nurture his or her developing resiliency skills.
Figure 5. Healthy habits for introverts.
This chart reflects the components of a healthy and balanced lifestyle. How many habits are you using? Are you helping your child learn healthy habits?
All in all, parents play a large role in developing and nurturing resiliency in children. Focusing on teaching self-efficacy skills, developing autonomy and discernment, building supportive relationships, and managing emotional reactivity are all things that can assist the introverted child in developing resiliency. This topic will come up again as we explore other aspects of introversion, including the social aspects of introversion and supporting our children as they become their own unique individuals.
Class Notes: Building a Resilient Classroom Environment
Just as it is important to nurture resiliency in the home, it is also important to create a learning environment that fosters resiliency. Much of this can be accomplished in how the educator runs the classroom. To develop autonomy and mastery, the educator can include choice within activities for some lessons. Choice can also be introduced within set parameters, including seat location or the types of rewards the student is earning. The inclusion of choice enables the introverted child to exert some level of control over his surroundings, increasing resiliency. Allowing for “safe” risk-taking in the classroom, including a focus on process (not just grades and tests), will develop stronger self-efficacy skills and strengthen overall resiliency.
I previously stated that balancing small-group activities with individual activities was an essential aspect of meeting the needs of both the introvert and the extrovert. This balancing of social demands can also assist with resiliency. Providing opportunities for meaningful collaboration with like-minded peers, along with establishing a “no-bullying” classroom environment will ensure that the introverted student is able to benefit from the naturally occurring social connections as a way to enhance resiliency.
Educators can also teach children emotional control within the school setting. The current educational trend of schoolwide behavior intervention systems focuses on teaching social skills that build competencies in the areas of emotional reactivity and recovery. Teaching children what behavioral expectations are, how to react appropriately to negative emotional impulses, and how to manage their behavior are all factors that will have a positive impact on resiliency in the classroom. Introverts, in particular, benefit from directed teaching in these areas as it appeals to their natural tendency for self-talk and internal regulation.
In the next chapter, I will address how to create safe classrooms, a skill that will enhance the resiliency strategies mentioned here.
NURTURING RESILIENCY Q&A
As I’ve mentioned throughout this chapter, resiliency refers to the ability to bounce back from setbacks and adjust to life’s curveballs. As parents, it is a skill we can help our children develop. Focusing on helping our children develop a strong sense of self, manage their emotions, and build strong relationships with others are all things that can enhance their resiliency.
The following questions are ones that have come up during recent parent trainings and speak to a lot of the pressures parents may feel when it comes to assisting their children in developing this skill.
Will the mistakes I make as a parent ruin my poor child for life?
This is one of the most common worries I hear from parents—the fear that somehow a decision you make will cause irreparable damage to your children. In truth, all parents cause some amount of damage to the emotional well-being of their children, in the same way that all spouses cause some measure of emotional pain in their partner. I know this is not what you expected me to say, but it is the truth. So, now that we have that out of the way, you can stop worrying about it.
Yes, seriously, stop worrying. We, as parents, do not have all of the answers to our children. We will get mad when we shouldn’t, we may say things we’d like to take back, and we will let them down in some way. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can move past the parent guilt and pressure the majority of us feel and move forward to the business of being the best parents we can in any given moment. By accepting that we are not going to be perfect as parents, we can let go of the pressure and shift our focus to trying to be conscious parents, mindful of our children’s needs. By being mindful and discerning, we are able to “see” the situations with more clarity and help our children.
So stop the parent guilt and focus on being the best you can in the moment. Ask questions, read books, and enhance your skills. The rest will take care of itself.
What are some indicators that my introverted child is resilient?
Resiliency typically encompasses three distinct attributes, including one’s belief that he or she has some autonomy over the environment, the ability to build meaningful connections, and mastery over one’s emotions. It is the same with introverts. Helping your child to develop these attributes is one way to ensure the development of strong resiliency.
Answer the questions on page 71 in order to evaluate your child’s resiliency strength and weaknesses. If you find some areas of weakness, reread the chapter and focus in on some of the strategies to build that area.
How Resilient Are My Children?
1. My child has one or two close friends who understand and support him or her.
❑ True ❑ False
2. My child has the problem-solving skills needed to work through typical social issues or conflicts.
❑ True ❑ False
3. My child knows who to turn to for support when things are hard.
❑ True ❑ False
4. My child is typically optimistic about his or her future.
❑ True ❑ False
5. My child is able to manage his or her emotions and recover from setbacks.
❑ True ❑ False
Once you are finished, take a moment to reflect on your answers. What are the areas of strength for your child? What are areas of concern? Take a moment to write down your thoughts regarding resiliency.
What is the best way for me, as the parent, to foster resiliency in my introverted child?
Resiliency develops when children feel safe in their environment. As discussed in Chapter 6, introverts feel safest within the home environment when predictable routines are in place and parental reactions are predictable. When this is established, introverted children naturally develop resiliency.
Life, however, is seldom predictable or routine. So how can you help your introverted child prepare for the inevitable curveballs that life will toss? The answer, I believe, lies in the strategies mentioned earlier in the chapter. Focusing on the healthy habits on page 68, as well as teaching and practicing the hula hoop technique (page 64) will give your children a strong foundation for resiliency. Helping your children develop a sense of autonomy over their environment, as well as learning to manage their unique temperament and understand their introversion, are all things that will further develop their resiliency and prepare them for adulthood.
As a parent, how can I help my introverted child see herself as being strong and not just “shy”?
Ah yes, the “shyness” factor. Many parents of introverts worry that their child will forever see herself as shy. As I mentioned in the first section of the book, shyness actually has little to do with temperament. It is a learned behavior and although it is certainly more common in introverts related to how they interact with the world, it is not a defining feature of introversion.
Helping your introverted child go beyond any shyness she may exhibit goes back to the strategies of building autonomy and learning about her unique attributes of temperament. The more the child can understand what it means to be introverted, the more she can develop her many strengths and push against the societal norm that she “should be” more extroverted. That isn’t to say that the introverted child should not learn how to “play extrovert” when needed. As I mentioned earlier, there are times when it is important to be more outgoing and “extroverted.” I will discuss this even further in Part IV of this book.
Is resiliency something that can impact learning? How?
Yes, resiliency can certainly impact a child’s ability to learn. Learning is innately a risk-laden activity. Every time new information is presented, the learner must be willing to take some amount of risk that he will be able to learn the new information and demonstrate mastery of that material. A person’s willingness to take these types of intellectual risks is related to resiliency.
As I’ve mentioned throughout the chapter, one of the main attributes of resiliency is related to feeling a sense of mastery over one’s environment. Self-efficacy, problem-solving abilities, and adaptability—all things required as part of the learning process—are areas that contribute to the child’s overall belief in his ability to control some aspect of life. When children fail to develop skills in these areas, school can cease to be a safe place. And when this happens, learning suffers.
So what can an educator do? Focus on helping all students, including those with introverted temperaments, learn how to take academic risks. Create an environment in which learning is not strictly measured by performance on a test or statewide assessment, but also on the process of learning. Finally, teach creative problem solving and “out-of-the-box” thinking, something most introverts do well; innovation is born from these skills.
In a Nutshell …
Big Ideas
❖ Resiliency involves the following attributes: autonomy over the environment, meaningful connections with others, and appropriate emotional regulation.
❖ Developing resiliency means strengthening the above attributes.
❖ Introverts may struggle in any or all of the areas of resiliency.
❖ Despite some difficulties introverted children may have initially, many attributes of introversion correlate with strong resiliency over a lifetime.
❖ Parents and parenting style has a strong influence over the development of resiliency.
Supplemental Charts, Tips, and Worksheets
❖ Tip Sheet 5: Sharing Control—page 63
❖ Tip Sheet 6: The Hula Hoop Technique—page 64
❖ Worksheet 6: Circle of Support—page 66
❖ Figure 5: Healthy Habits for Introverts—page 68
❖ Questionnaire 3: How Resilient Are My Children?—page 71