‘If you hear a voice within you say “You cannot paint”, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.’
—Vincent Van Gogh
Aiming for a reasonable level of self-esteem
Self-esteem is bound up in the feelings and thoughts that you have about yourself, your worth, your abilities and your qualities.
The degree to which you might generally value yourself, your abilities and your actions can fall into one of the three categories below:
1. Person with low self-esteem
• You don’t consider that you have much worth
• You doubt your abilities
• You feel that you do not have many qualities or that those you do have are unimportant
• You are not satisfied with yourself
• You rarely give yourself credit for anything you do.
2. Person with reasonable level of self-esteem
• You feel that you have worth and also recognize other people as having worth
• You recognize the abilities and qualities you have without exaggerating them
• You honestly acknowledge areas where you are not so able
• You are proud of some things you have done and you regret some things.
3. Arrogant or conceited person
• You think that you have a lot of worth, more than other people
• You think that you have a lot of abilities and qualities – and you may exaggerate them
• You don’t recognize or acknowledge failings or you minimize them
• You may dismiss other people’s views or have little regard for them
• You may find it difficult to take reasonable criticism.
If you fall into category 1 or feel that a number of its characteristics apply to you, then this book is for you. We will focus on how someone with a low level of self-esteem can bring themself up to a reasonable level of self-esteem.
Pseudo self-esteem
There are differences of opinion about whether a person who falls within category 3 (arrogant or conceited) should be considered as having a high level of self-esteem or not. Some people regard arrogant and conceited people as having a very high level of self-esteem because they have a high opinion of their abilities and worth – a view which is supported by much of the research that has been done around self-esteem. On the other hand, there are also respected writers in the field of self-esteem such as Nathaniel Branden, author of the book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, who would probably regard conceited and arrogant people as having ‘pseudo self-esteem’, suggesting that their conceit masks doubts about their self-worth and that their arrogance is really a protective cover for insecurity rather than being genuine self-esteem.
Having a reasonable level of self-esteem (category 2) is, I would suggest, where most people (including myself) would want to be. As the word ‘reasonable’ suggests, it is not about perfection, it is about balance, recognizing and appreciating the positives in your life while also being prepared to honestly acknowledge areas where you might improve.
Problems associated with low self-esteem
Research suggests that if you have low self-esteem it can increase your risk of:
• Depression
• Suicide or suicide attempts
• Eating disorders
• Teenage pregnancy for young women
• Lower earnings and extended unemployment for young men
• Being victimized by others.
There is also evidence to suggest that if your self-esteem is higher:
• You have a better chance of establishing and maintaining successful relationships.
• You are more likely to persist after experiencing an initial failure in attempting something, i.e. you are likely to be better at sustaining your motivation.
Can you have too much self-esteem?
There is some research that suggests that people who participate in potentially dangerous activities such as driving too fast or after having consumed too much alcohol may statistically be more likely to have high self-esteem than low self-esteem, and that people involved in delinquency or violent crime may also be more likely to have high self-esteem than low self-esteem. This may be related to the point made above that high self-esteem can merge into arrogance or conceit, or a lack of respect for others. At any rate, it seems to back up my suggestion that a sensible aim is to have a reasonable level of self-esteem and a degree of balance, rather than to have high self-esteem to the point of arrogance.
Benefits of a reasonable level of self-esteem
I would suggest that some of the potential benefits of having a reasonable level of self-esteem as compared to the two alternatives are as follows:
Advantages of having a reasonable level of self-esteem compared to having a low level of self-esteem:
• You feel better about yourself.
• You don’t have to worry so much about whether you are doing the right thing or whether you are good enough.
• You can engage in relationships constructively without putting yourself down.
• You feel comfortable enough in yourself and confident enough to communicate effectively.
• You are more likely to be able to assert yourself effectively without worrying excessively about what others think.
• You find it easier to focus on the present and concentrate on tasks in hand because you are less anxious.
• You can use your energy constructively instead of being preoccupied by how well you are doing or how you appear to others.
Advantages of having a reasonable level of self-esteem compared to being arrogant and conceited:
• You are better able to sustain genuine relationships because you treat others with respect.
• You are more likely to communicate in a reasonable way rather than to dismiss others’ views unfairly.
• You have a greater ability to work in partnership with others and to learn from others.
• You are better able to assess your actions and abilities honestly and therefore you have better prospects of improving and developing yourself.
• You are more likely to be genuinely respected by others.
The subjectivity of self-esteem
Statistics and research give us some ideas of the benefits of having a reasonable level of self-esteem but not every individual is exactly the same. You may find that some of the benefits suggested above are particularly important and relevant for you, or you may find that there are other reasons, not captured in the above, why it will be helpful for you to have a more balanced level of self-esteem.
On a sheet of paper, write down what you think will be the main benefits of having a reasonable level of self-esteem for you. You can keep your list to hand as you try out some of the ideas in this book, as a motivational tool and reminder of why you are trying to make changes in the way you act and think. You can also refer back to your list after a period of time to help you reflect on whether particular changes you have made have helped. If they have, then continue them. If not, then reflect on why not and adapt or adjust them suitably.
Where to start if you want to improve your self-esteem
Whether you have had low self-esteem since an early age or your self-esteem has fallen due to life circumstances or particular events, you may be able to think of times when your self-esteem was a little better than it is now. Was there anything you were doing differently then that you are not doing now? If so, consider trying to start doing something similar again. Alternatively, if part of the reason why you now feel worse and your self-esteem is lower relates to a change in your circumstances or life events, then ask yourself what would be a different way that you could react to that change to help your self-esteem.
Mary: remembering what works and doing it again
Mary has experienced low self-esteem since as far back as she can remember. When she was a child, she was frequently told by her parents that she wasn’t doing things right and she developed a feeling that she was not good enough. However, on reflecting about times when she felt better about herself, she remembers a period when she was exercising regularly and was also involved in doing different activities on a regular basis. She decides to join a fitness session for women at the local leisure centre once a week and also starts attending a local singing group, as she enjoyed singing in her school choir when younger. She finds that both activities help to take her out of herself. Doing something that she feels is worthwhile raises her spirits and she starts to feel better about herself and her situation.
Robert: changing your reaction to events
When he was younger Robert had a bright, confident personality. He obtained a high-powered job in his mid-twenties working for a large company in London. After a few years a new boss came into the company who was very demanding and highly critical of Robert’s work. Robert began to enjoy his work less and stresses mounted, but he kept on with the work for another three years as he had a young family to support. He started to look for alternative posts but only had limited time to do so. One year the pressure and stresses mounted as the firm began the launch of a new project. On a particularly stressful day, after working late Robert made a relatively minor error for which his boss heavily criticized him. This was the trigger for Robert. He went home and, after discussing it with his wife, decided to resign even though he didn’t have a post to go to. Unfortunately, shortly after his resignation, Robert fell ill and was unable to look for work for several months, during which time he started to blame himself for having given up his job. His belief in himself and his self-esteem fell and at times he began to think that maybe the illness was some kind of punishment for his own shortcomings.
Recently Robert has decided to try to react in a different way to the change in circumstances. Each time that he is tempted to blame himself for what has happened, he reminds himself that actually he discussed resigning with his wife and she agreed, and that he couldn’t have foreseen that he would get ill. Rather than dwell on what might have been, he now consciously tries not to be so hard on himself and to focus on what he can sensibly do in his current situation. He also reminds himself that he wasn’t happy in his work. He talks about his options with his wife and they decide that when he recovers he will try to look for something in a different field of work, even if it is less well paid. This more balanced attitude helps him to cope with his illness and to feel better about himself and his situation. He still sees his situation as unpleasant but he also now sees it as giving him the opportunity to reflect on what is important to him and his family and on how he can try to set personal goals which are relevant to that.
Enjoying yourself
Valuing yourself involves creating some space and time to do things that you enjoy doing. This could be almost anything legal and non-harmful. It could for example include any of the following:
• Listening to music
• Reading and/or writing
• Sports
• Meeting friends
• Helping people
• Self-development activities or research
• Gardening
• Walking
• Playing with your children (if you have children) or contributing to their life
• Watching a good film
• Having a laugh
• Travelling
• Painting
• Looking at scenery
• Finding out about new things
• Working on a particular project or in a role you value or enjoy
• Campaigning for a good cause.
Of course, the above list is not exhaustive. It is just to give a few possible ideas and stimulate you into your own thoughts about your own personal preferences for enjoyable activities – which may be very different!
Give yourself permission to do some things that you enjoy doing. This is one of the first rules of self-esteem. I am not talking here about harmful activities or actions that might cause problems for you or others. I am talking about ordinary, everyday pursuits or pastimes that you can enjoy or find rewarding.
Write down ten activities that you enjoy doing currently or have enjoyed in the past.
Ten things that I enjoy doing:
1. _______________
2. _______________
3. _______________
4. _______________
5. _______________
6. _______________
7. _______________
8. _______________
9. _______________
10. _______________
Commit to doing one thing on your list for one hour within the next two days if you can, or if that is not possible, then do it as soon as possible after the next two days.
Recognizing your positives
Doing some things that you enjoy can help you to feel better about yourself and your situation. It can also serve an additional purpose:
If you suffer from low self-esteem then you are likely to find it much easier to remember your (perceived) negative characteristics and unsuccessful actions than to acknowledge your qualities, abilities or achievements. Even if you do recognize some positives about yourself or your life, you may discount them, minimizing their significance or value or not taking much personal credit for them even when it is due.
If you have a mindset which leads you instinctively to focus on your negatives rather than your positives then you may need some help to balance that process. You can use the exercise that you have just completed – identifying things that you enjoy doing – as a springboard to help you identify and acknowledge some of your positive features.
The way to do this is to look through your list and identify what abilities, qualities and achievements you demonstrate when you do any of the things that you enjoy. Remember that the abilities and qualities don’t have to be achievements that meet a standard set by others. For example the following are qualities:
People who have low self-esteem sometimes have a tendency to judge themselves by what they think other people or society in general would want or value, rather than by what they themselves want or value. Acknowledging your own positives is about recognizing what you value in yourself and taking pride in yourself. Acknowledging your positives is a very personal thing – it is not about matching up to an imaginary standard, it is about taking pride in your own personal identity.
Joanna: acknowledging what you are proud of instead of trying to meet external or imaginary standards
Joanna finds it difficult to identify any positives in herself, her achievements or qualities. She married at 26 and at that time decided to give up her prospects of a career as a lawyer to concentrate on bringing up her family while her husband worked. She and her husband divorced when their children were aged eight and ten and she continued with the childcare responsibilities without much help. Now, in middle age, when she tries to make a list of her achievements and qualities, she finds it difficult to do at first because she can only think of the fact that her marriage didn’t last and that she did not continue her early career. However, when she makes a list of things she enjoys doing or that she enjoyed doing in the past, she is able to see that they demonstrate a number of qualities personal to her. She notes those down and then develops the list by adding a number of additional things she is proud of because they show situations where she has persisted and overcome challenges. The result is a list of affirmations that are personal to her:
Joanna’s affirmations:
• I brought up my two children as well as I could
• I am a good listener
• I usually try my best at things, even if I don’t always succeed
• I am kind-hearted
• Despite having a difficult background I managed to gain professional qualifications as a lawyer
• I recognize my limitations
• I have made efforts to start my life again after difficult times
• I have a sense of humour
• I have grown onions in my garden
• I am a good cook – particularly of Spanish food
• I am naturally shy but have made efforts to talk to people
• I am loyal to my friends
• I had the courage to get out of a difficult relationship.
As you can see from the above list, you can put virtually anything down as an achievement or ability – the important thing is that it is something you have done or an aspect of your personality that is meaningful to you and you are proud of it.
The value of affirmations
You may have noticed that I called Joanna’s personal statements ‘affirmations’.
An affirmation in this context is a positive statement about a quality or achievement that you can lay claim to.
The value of affirmations is that they help you to build a sense of positive personal identity in a way that is unique to you. If created in a sensible way they can help you to deal with negative thoughts about yourself, give appropriate acknowledgement to things that you are proud of and raise your self-esteem. However, there are some important features that it is important to remember when you try to create affirmations for yourself, which are indicated in the paragraphs that follow.
Once you have created a list of affirmations personal to you, keep it to hand and read it regularly at first, and subsequently at any time when you are feeling negative about yourself, to help you retrain your mind into recognizing positive features about yourself and your life.
Characteristics of helpful affirmations
Keep affirmations realistic: You may sometimes come across the idea of using very general affirmations about yourself such as ‘I am a wonderful person’ or ‘I can achieve whatever I want.’ I would advise against this on the basis that if you do this you are lurching from one extreme to another. Is it really true that you can achieve whatever you want? Probably not – it might be if what you want is limited to things that are within your sole control but normally people want some things that are not completely within their control, so you need to be realistic otherwise you will create an affirmation which just sounds hollow and is unlikely to be fulfilled.
Similarly, if you tend to have negative thoughts such as ‘I always make a mess of things’, having an affirmation to counter this which says: ‘I never make a mess of things’ or ‘I always make the right choices’ would be ludicrous. It would be better to counter the global negative thought which the more realistic thought: ‘I sometimes make the right choice’ or even ‘I don’t always make a mess of things’, which although it’s not sensational is at least realistic and an improvement on the original negative thought.
Make your affirmations specific: Sometimes in the helping professions a distinction is also drawn between making generalized comments about a person, which puts them in a box and can be inaccurate, unhelpful or offensive, and the alternative of giving focused specific comments on a person’s actions or behaviour, which can be useful. If someone does something that you think is undesirable it is usually more helpful to indicate that you don’t agree with their specific action (and say why) rather than to label them generally in negative terms. Similarly, if someone does something you think is good, you can often provide the most helpful feedback by highlighting and praising their specific positive action rather than by generalized praise. The same principle applies to your own comments about yourself: I would suggest that with your affirmations you focus on specific behaviours that you sometimes show, positive actions that you have done, or characteristics that you have which you are proud of, rather than on giving vague positive labels which are likely to be unconvincing and/or exaggerated – ‘I have completed a marathon’ (if it is true) is more helpful than ‘I am a great runner’, which is likely to be an exaggeration or a generalized value judgement at best.
Express affirmations in the first person: It also tends to be helpful if affirmations are expressed in the first person e.g. ‘I have …’ or ‘I am …’. There are two main reasons for this:
1. Valuing yourself is not about matching up to a perceived standard set by others or by society. It is the very opposite – it is about you taking responsibility for your life and your decisions, so it is a good idea for you to take ownership of what you value in yourself as part of this process.
2. Using the ‘I’ form helps to reinforce the fact that you are acknowledging and recognizing your own personal identity in a constructive way, not dismissing yourself or disregarding yourself – this is all part of valuing yourself.
Personal affirmations are more likely to be helpful in building your self-esteem in a lasting way, if they:
• Are realistic, not exaggerated
• Can be evidenced or demonstrated by examples
• Are specific, referring to particular actions, achievements or attributes rather than applying a general rating to yourself as a human being
• Are expressed in the first person.
Use the space below to create your own list of qualities, abilities and achievements. Write out next to the bullet points a list of anything that you are proud of having achieved or that you see as an ability or quality in yourself. This list is personal to you. It’s about what you personally are proud of, irrespective of what others might think. Use the first person to introduce each item, e.g. ‘I have …’ or ‘I am …’.
Personal affirmations:
• _______________
• _______________
• _______________
• _______________
• _______________
• _______________
• _______________
• _______________
• _______________
• _______________
Do’s and don’ts of affirmations
The purpose of affirmations is to help you value yourself in a realistic way and to counter a negative self-image or exaggerated negative thoughts about yourself.
If you suffer from low self-esteem then the negative picture of yourself and the negative thoughts about yourself are likely to be automatic and may well have been going on for a long time (in some cases from before you can remember). They can be changed or modified but this takes some conscious effort and practice, so you need to find ways of keeping your affirmations in your consciousness. Thus I suggest you consider the following do’s and don’ts:
Do’s: To help keep your personal affirmations in your consciousness, try any or all of the following:
• Read through them on a daily basis
• Keep copies where you will see them, for example on the fridge door or the dashboard of your car
• Keep a copy in a diary or a purse or wallet for reference when needed.
Don’ts: There is one main ‘don’t’ in relation to personal affirmations:
• Don’t stick your affirmations list in a drawer and forget about it once you’ve compiled it.
If you are worried about other people seeing your affirmations, then think of creative ways of changing the way you’ve written them so that to others it is not clear what they are for, but to you they are still meaningful. Here are some ideas:
• If you are an artistic person or appreciate photos or images, then create some drawings, pictures, photos or other images that remind you of the positives and ideally help to associate you with them – e.g. a photo of you doing an activity which you enjoy and which shows some of your abilities and positive characteristics.
• Use one of your affirmations, or part of it, as part of a password on a mobile phone or computer (but obviously not in such a way that someone might guess it).
• Use an image which reminds you of one of your affirmations as a screen saver on your computer.
The above are just some suggestions – you may be able to find alternative ways of doing this which work better for you. The aim is to keep the affirmations at the forefront of your mind. The way you do this can be as individual as you like as long as it works for you.
What to do if you have trouble creating affirmations
Some people have difficulty thinking of anything positive to say about themselves or are reluctant to do so. If you find it difficult to produce a list of affirmations, you can ask yourself the following questions (and write down your answers) to get some ideas of things that you can be proud of to include in your affirmations list:
• What would a close friend say were my qualities? (If not sure, then ask them.)
• What would a close friend say were my abilities and achievements? (Again, if not sure, ask them.)
• What challenges have I faced in my life? Give a positive statement of what you have done when faced with them. (Even if you don’t feel you have fully overcome them, give yourself credit for what you have tried to do.)
• What characteristics annoy me in other people which I do not have? Create a positive statement out of the opposite – e.g. if you are not cruel, reframe that as ‘I can be kind’ or ‘I am caring’ or a similar expression that seems accurate to you.
• What changes have I made in my life (however small) of which I am proud?
• What skills have I learned? (This might be through training, at school or college, or in a job, or from others such as family or friends.)
• How would someone who thinks well of me describe me?
Validating your affirmations
I mentioned that affirmations tend to be more helpful in building your self-esteem if they can be evidenced or demonstrated. If you write a personal affirmation down and it doesn’t seem real to you then write down the arguments or evidence that support it. Reminding yourself of them can help to remind you that the affirmation is valid and is not just a wild claim!
James: giving your affirmations credibility
James is in his early thirties, working in a professional role for a large company. He is well respected in his work but keeps comparing himself to others professionally and worrying that he isn’t doing as well as he should. In his personal life he has a number of positive relationships but in his own mind he thinks of himself as unlikeable and boring. He creates a list of affirmations but finds that some of them seem hollow to him, so to help him recognize that he is not just imagining these positives he selects the ones he is doubtful about and validates them by writing down evidence to support each one, as indicated below:
Affirmation: I am fair-minded.
Illustration or supporting evidence: Tim complimented me for helping him to see different views in an argument he was having with a friend and others have said that they think I am a good judge of character and of situations.
Affirmation: I am competent in my job.
Illustration or supporting evidence: My performance reviews have been positive.
Affirmation: I can be fun.
Illustration or supporting evidence: Gary, Fiona, Carol and I had a laugh at the ice rink on Saturday.
If you have difficulty in believing the affirmations you write about yourself then try doing a similar exercise, writing down the supporting evidence for any of the affirmations you are having difficulty with.
Acknowledging positive actions, characteristics and activities
People who have a reasonable level of self-esteem can see positives in their actions. This doesn’t mean that they necessarily brag about it but they are comfortable with the way they act. They may realistically and sensibly examine whether they could have done something differently or better, but they do not continually doubt themselves or their actions.
People with low self-esteem tend to take the opposite view of their actions. If you have low self-esteem you are likely to find it difficult to see positives in your actions. To redress the balance usually requires some conscious effort.
For a week from now keep a Positives Diary (see the form overleaf), identifying what you have done in the day and any positive characteristics you have shown. For the purposes of this exercise, just record the positives in the day, however small or few in number, and even if they only seem like small or easy things to you. If this works well for you, continue it for the following week. Once you have kept your Positives Diary for a week or two, see if there is anything from it that you can adapt to add to your list of personal affirmations.
Note: If you try keeping a Positives Diary but are unable to find anything that you recognize as a personal achievement or something you enjoyed doing, then it is possible that you are experiencing depression. If you think that might be the case, then speak to your doctor to check out whether that is so and to get appropriate support.
Limiting beliefs
So far in this chapter I have focused primarily on positive actions and exercises that you can follow if you have an overly negative self-image, to help build a realistic and positive impression of yourself.
The complementary approach, which it is likely to be helpful for you to adopt if you don’t value yourself, is to tackle directly the underlying beliefs that are making it hard for you to see yourself positively or realistically. Those underlying beliefs may be limiting your capacity to develop your potential.
A limiting belief is a general belief that you hold, whether stated or not, which reduces your ability to achieve what you want to achieve. In the context of self-esteem a limiting belief can be defined as a general belief you hold about yourself (or others, or life in general), whether stated or not, which makes it harder for you to think positively about yourself.
There are a number of different types of limiting belief. Here are some examples:
• Limiting beliefs about your abilities: ‘I am never any good at anything.’
• Limiting beliefs about your personality or characteristics: ‘I am stupid’ or ‘I am over emotional’ or, by contrast, ‘I am cold-hearted.’
• Limiting beliefs about how you ought to act: ‘It’s wrong to put yourself first’ or ‘You shouldn’t argue.’
• Limiting beliefs about the consequences of acting in a certain way: ‘If I say I disagree with them, they will dislike me’ or ‘If I get close to him/her, he/she will leave me.’
• Limiting beliefs about particular groups of people: ‘Men are afraid of commitment’ or ‘Women are manipulative.’
• Limiting beliefs about the world in general or life: ‘Good things never last’ or ‘Everyone is out to get what they want for themselves.’
Some of the points in a limiting belief may sometimes be true or an accurate description of a particular instance or a particular person, but once the belief is set out as a hard and fast rule, rather than a specific observation or an idea which you are aiming to test in an objective way, then it can lead you to make assumptions about situations which are not accurate, or perhaps even worse, it can lead you to miss out on an opportunity to have a positive experience or positive relationship.
In terms of your own well-being and self-esteem, if you apply a rigid, demanding expectation of how you feel you should be, then you may well be too hard on yourself if you don’t quite match up to the standard of perfection you have set for yourself.
Watch out for thoughts you have or statements you make that are generalizations or prescriptions for how you or other people should live or be, such as ‘I must …’ or ‘I ought to …’ or ‘they should …’ or ‘they shouldn’t …’. Thoughts like these may sometimes help to guide your life but if you adhere to them too rigidly or inflexibly you may find yourself being very judgemental about other people or about yourself.
One of the most famous examples of a limiting belief is the belief held by many people prior to 6 May 1954 that it was impossible for a human being to run a mile in under four minutes.
What happened on 6 May 1954? Roger Bannister ran a four-minute mile.
That opened the floodgates. Suddenly other athletes realized that it was possible to run a mile in under four minutes and were no longer held back by the conscious or unconscious limiting belief that it was not possible. Within three years, sixteen runners had broken the four-minute mile. This contrasted with a nine-year period before Bannister’s run in which no one had been able to improve on the old record of 4 minutes 1.4 seconds.
This one example shows what a powerful difference it can make if someone – in this case, Roger Bannister – is able to overcome a limiting belief that has held them and others back.
The impact of limiting beliefs about yourself
If you have negative limiting beliefs about your own characteristics or capabilities then these are likely to contribute to and reinforce your own lack of self-esteem.
For example, if you believe that you do not deserve to be happy then you may well not put yourself into situations where you might become happy or where you might have an opportunity to do something or get something that you would like.
In this kind of situation, your limiting beliefs are leading to unhelpful actions with predictable negative results that then reinforce your limiting belief. This can be expressed in a flow chart:
If you believe that you are stupid then you may well not put yourself into situations where you could learn and gain knowledge because you fear failure or you fear that others may come to the same negative view about your abilities that you have.
If you believe that you are over-emotional then you may well not challenge yourself to act in calm ways because you have an internal script in your head telling you that this is a feature of yourself that you cannot change (even if it isn’t).
The impact of limiting beliefs involving other people
Limiting beliefs about other people or their behaviour towards you, and what it means, or limiting beliefs about the world in general, can also impact adversely on your self-esteem. This may sometimes be in an indirect way so that you do not always realize it.
For example, if you are a man with a limiting belief that women’s views are worthless, this is likely to lead you to act in disrespectful ways towards women and to limit your potential for having fulfilling relationships with women.
Alternatively, if you are a woman with a limiting belief that men are always selfish, then this may lead you to act in disrespectful, dismissive or suspicious ways towards men, with equally problematic results.
The above examples focus on hypothetical limiting beliefs held by a man about women or by a woman about men. Of course, limiting beliefs can be held by women about women or men about men too, and they can be held by any individuals whatever their sexual orientation. They are not just the prerogative of one group of people or one section of society!
It is important to identify your limiting beliefs about others and what their behaviour means as well as those you hold about yourself.
Identifying your limiting beliefs
If you are already aware of some of your limiting beliefs, don’t beat yourself up about it. It is much more usual to have some than to have none at all and the fact that you are already aware of some suggests a degree of self-awareness. If you want to identify your limiting beliefs, or to clarify them or find others that you might have, then here are some tips:
In searching for a limiting belief, you are looking for the following features:
• A belief that encapsulates a general viewpoint that you have about yourself, others or the world in which you live
• A belief that is dogmatic – that is, it is something that you don’t think to challenge or that you regard as always true (or true so often that it’s not worth challenging)
• A belief that in some respects is not helping you to achieve outcomes you would like or is reinforcing your low opinion of yourself
Identifying limiting beliefs through your inner conversations
Most people (and I include myself) have an inner conversation going on in their head when they think about their interactions with others, events or situations they are involved in or may enter into, and their day-to-day lives and responsibilities. This is likely to be a commentary on your own fears or hopes about what is happening or likely to happen.
One way to identify limiting beliefs is to become aware of your inner conversations and in particular of any self-critical thoughts that you have. Look for any patterns and reflect on whether behind a particular self-critical thought there might be a general limiting belief that you have about yourself or the world, which leads you to move to the self-critical or negative thought quicker than some others might.
Think back to a particular situation recently when you were self-critical and unhappy about the way you acted. If possible, choose a situation where your self-critical thoughts were the kind of thoughts that you have quite a lot. Write down the headings listed in the example below, then note down your responses: describe briefly what the situation was and what your self-critical thoughts were; then reflect on whether there might have been a limiting belief underlying the thought; finally, give any reasons why having that limiting belief may be unhelpful. An example is given to start you off:
Situation: Taking my driving test.
Self-critical thought(s): ‘I haven’t a chance of passing the test.’
Underlying limiting belief: ‘I never achieve what I want.’
How is the limiting belief unhelpful? It leads me to be anxious or demotivated, which limits my chances of achieving what I want to and leads me to feel bad.
Note: In doing this exercise be sure to write down limiting beliefs that apply to you – don’t just put down what you think other people might say were limiting beliefs – this is about establishing what you think is limiting you. If you think that there may be more than one limiting belief behind a particular thought then you can put them all down and reflect on the consequences of each in turn.
If your self-critical thought is a negative prediction about yourself, as in the example above, or an instruction to yourself that you should or should not do something, then ask yourself why you think you won’t achieve what you want (in the above instance) or why you should not act in a particular way. That may help you to clarify what the underlying limiting beliefs are.
The downward arrow technique
If you have difficulty identifying your limiting beliefs then one technique that can help you to do so is the downward arrow technique (also known as the vertical arrow technique).
To use this technique, you take a negative or anxious thought that you are thinking and then ask yourself ‘What does that mean?’ or ‘What does that show?’ Whatever answer you give, apply the same question to it, and keep doing that with each answer you give, until you reach a point which you feel reflects the limiting belief that underlies the thought.
You can also use other variations for the question that you use, depending on the context, such as ‘So what?’ or ‘What’s so bad about that?’ or ‘Why does that matter?’ or ‘What does that say about me?’ The aim is to clarify why you feel so strongly about the situation.
To help find your limiting beliefs, try applying the downward arrow technique to a situation 9 where you feel strongly negative about yourself or about something you have or haven’t achieved – strong negative emotion about yourself can be an indicator that there may be a limiting belief involved.
Eamonn: using the downward arrow technique
Eamonn is going to attend a job interview but the train he is on is delayed and he arrives late. He doesn’t get the job. He feels very down and thinks: ‘It was just my luck to get a train that was delayed.’
Eamonn then uses the downward arrow technique to find out if there are limiting beliefs involved:
Q: ‘What does that show?’
A: ‘Whenever I seem to have an opportunity it disappears’
Q: ‘What does that show?’
A: ‘I’m never going to succeed’ (limiting belief)
A: ‘I’m useless’ (limiting belief)
Of course, different people using the downward arrow technique may find that they have different limiting beliefs to Eamonn’s in a similar situation. Someone else might reach the answer that this situation shows that ‘The world is against me’, which would be a different type of limiting belief from the one Eamonn has. To determine what your own limiting beliefs are you need to do the exercise for yourself.
Think back to a situation where you felt strongly negative about yourself and use the downward arrow technique to try to establish if there are any limiting beliefs involved, and if so, what they might be.
Limiting beliefs involving relationships
Relationships are an area where many people have limiting beliefs about themselves or others that impact on their self-esteem and their ability to value themselves. You can use a similar method to that above specifically to identify limiting beliefs involving relationships if you think this is an area of particular relevance to you.
Louise: addressing limiting beliefs about relationships
Louise is doubtful of her ability to have a successful romantic relationship with a man. When she enters into a relationship she has a tendency to get very anxious at any sign that might be interpreted as a lack of interest from her partner. Using a series of headings similar to those set out previously on page_42, but adapted specifically to observe anxious thoughts in relationships, she analyzes a situation in which Simon, her partner of six months, didn’t ring her one evening when he had said he would – behaviour which is untypical for him:
Situation:
Simon didn’t ring me.
Thought (about others):
He is deliberately not ringing me because he is not interested in seeing me. He would prefer to do something else.
Underlying limiting belief(s):
(a) I am unattractive.
(b) Men don’t like commitment.
How are the limiting beliefs unhelpful?
• They discourage me from checking whether there are other explanations for Simon not ringing me.
• They lead me to feel bad about myself and see myself as a victim.
• The first belief makes it hard for me to act confidently in relationships with men and the second belief makes it hard for me to develop a trusting relationship with a man.
Changing limiting beliefs
Once you have identified your limiting beliefs, the next step is to explore whether you want to try to change some of them. Since they are likely to be deeply held beliefs or prejudices, questioning them requires some effort. Here is a checklist of questions that you can use to explore what it might be like if you opened yourself to the possibility of a slightly different view:
1. What would be a less extreme belief (or beliefs) that I might hold?
2. What would be the advantages for me of holding the new belief(s) rather than the limiting belief(s)?
3. What would be the potential disadvantages for me of holding the new belief(s) instead of the old one(s)?
Louise (continued): exploring alternatives to limiting beliefs
Louise asks herself the questions in the checklist and comes up with the following answers:
1. What would be less extreme beliefs that I might hold?
• ‘Some men find me attractive and some don’t’
• ‘Some men don’t want commitment in a relationship but others do’
2. What would be the advantages for me of holding the new beliefs rather than the limiting beliefs?
• I would be more likely to discuss the situation with Simon in a positive way
• I would have a greater chance of building trust in a relationship with a man
• I would feel more optimistic about the possibility of a lasting relationship with a man
• I would feel more able to open up about my own insecurities without prejudging the result.
3. What would be the potential disadvantages for me of holding the new beliefs instead of the old ones?
• I might make an idiot of myself
• I might get hurt
• I would have to give up a long-standing belief!
• It would mean that it was partly my fault that I haven’t developed a more long-term relationship before
• If the belief is true it would be foolish to give it up!
Adopting an experimental attitude
Louise’s answers to the three questions in the checklist indicate that there could be significant benefits for her if she can start to hold less extreme beliefs but also that there are significant disadvantages for her in doing so. If you find yourself caught in a similar kind of dilemma about whether a less extreme belief might be more helpful to you than a particular limiting belief that you hold, then you can do the following to help you get to a stage where you are willing to test out the alternative belief:
1. Remind yourself that what you are going to do is to try acting as if the alternative, more moderate, belief might be true as an experiment but that doesn’t commit you to believing it.
2. Try to find a way of testing out the alternative belief that will not make it difficult to cope if your experiment doesn’t work out. One thing that you can do in this respect is to think of constructive things that you can do or say to yourself if the experiment doesn’t work out – in the next chapter I will be looking at the idea of ‘balancing thoughts’ (see pages 70–77.) These can be particularly helpful for dealing with situations you are anxious about.
3. When you assess the results of your experiment, note down any positive consequences of your new way of acting and any negative consequences. Bear in mind that because you have long held the limiting belief you may be tempted to view results in a negative way rather than to notice the positives so try not to jump to conclusions too quickly.
You can use a series of headings like the ones given below (set out as a list or in a table) to note down the results of your experimentation with alternative beliefs:
Initial situation and thoughts:
Initial limiting belief:
Alternative belief:
Actions I tried in line with alternative belief:
Result:
Louise (continued): recording the results of an experiment
After thinking through her answers to the questions, Louise decides that although she feels convinced of her judgement about men not liking commitment and also finds it hard to believe that she might be considered attractive, she is going to act as if the possible alternatives (‘Some men find me attractive and some don’t’; ‘Some men don’t want commitment in a relationship but others do’) might be true in this instance. She decides to begin by discussing the situation with Simon in a non-confrontational way while also explaining some of her own feelings of insecurity around it. She does so and keeps a record of the results:
Initial situation and thoughts:
Simon didn’t ring me. I thought ‘He is not interested in seeing me.’
Initial limiting belief:
(a) ‘I am unattractive.’
(b) ‘Men don’t like commitment.’
Alternative belief:
(a) ‘Some men find me attractive and some don’t.’
(b) ‘Some men don’t want commitment in a relationship but others do.’
Actions I tried in line with alternative belief:
I checked with Simon why he didn’t ring me and also explained in a non-aggressive way some of my insecure feelings.
Result:
Simon said he had been involved in finishing some decorating in his house and by the time he looked at his watch it was too late to ring.
We discussed some of my feelings of insecurity and he reassured me that he did find me attractive. We had an interesting discussion about the issue of commitment. I’m not quite sure where that takes us but I feel better for at least having had the discussion!
The results of Louise’s experiment didn’t in one go create a fulfilling relationship for her but they were the first step in opening up a dialogue. The next chapter – on accepting yourself – will give further ideas which can help you to deal with negative thought patterns that can be relevant to low self-esteem. In chapter 4 on understanding yourself, I will also explore the question of where your negative beliefs about yourself may have come from and give some further ideas for what you can do about them.
Key ideas from chapter 1
We have now explored some key elements relating to valuing yourself. If you can, remember to try to:
• Do things that you enjoy and value doing
• Take pride in your achievements, your qualities and your abilities (use affirmations to help with this if you find it difficult)
• Recognize positive aspects in your daily actions
• Identify and seek to change limiting beliefs about yourself and your abilities.
Whilst you are working on these things you can also begin to consider the second element of the VALUE acronym, accepting yourself, which forms the subject matter of chapter 2.
