Not all piercings are equal! Where and what a girl pierces is a clear indicator of what she thinks about Girl World. For example, piercing her belly button is an “in the box” act, where piercing her lip is an “outside the box” act.
Your thirteen-year-old daughter has just been invited to a party, and she’s convinced you she needs new shoes. Your selective memory kicks into gear and you temporarily forget about the last time you attempted a shopping expedition with her. Off to the mall you go. As soon as you walk in, you’re bombarded by monitors flashing videos, neon signs proclaiming the brands your daughter covets, and perky store assistants barely older than your daughter offering their assistance. You begin to feel exhausted, defeated, and slightly paranoid that the whole situation is conspiring against you. Which, of course, is true.
Then it happens. She sees the pair that she must have. You groan. They look ridiculous, they’re too expensive, the heels are too high, and they’re too sexy for a girl her age. You hold up a pair you like: “What about these?” Your daughter rolls her eyes, then begs, then barters, “Just let me get these shoes and I promise I’ll walk the dog, clean my room, and do the dishes every day for a month!” When you are less than persuaded, she launches into an outright self-righteous tantrum to the strains of “You’re so mean!”
You begin to feel the watchful eyes of the other mothers. The saleswoman hovers. You think of all the girls in your daughter’s school, so many of whom are wearing the shoes your daughter wants. Your resolve starts to crumble. If all the parents are allowing their daughters to have these shoes, maybe you should get them. They’re just shoes, after all, and not having them seems like more trouble than it’s worth and look! They’re 40 percent off. There are bigger issues to worry about with your daughter … and so it goes until you find yourself handing over your credit card.
Okay, on the face of it, this is a ridiculous fight over shoes, but why is this situation so contentious? First, it’s hard to see your daughter grow up. Those shoes could symbolize your daughter’s developing sexuality and you could understandably (and correctly) think she’s growing up too fast. Even if you think of yourself as a fairly relaxed parent, when your daughter wants to be sexy, it can be very unnerving. But those shoes are equally meaningful to her. Why is she acting like it’ll be the end of the world if she doesn’t get them? Until recently, you may have believed your daughter was a reasonable person. What’s motivating her to act like this? What may be hard to remember in situations like this is that those shoes are a lot more than just something she wears on her feet.
Remember, it’s never just about the shoes.
It’s about style, beauty, and image, and how they impact your daughter’s relationship with the clique and her social position in her culture. In her mind, those shoes are the key to maintaining or gaining social acceptance or complete social destruction. She could really believe that if she gets them, her life will be better.
Is there anything you can do to help you daughter regain her sanity? Can you stop your daughter from wearing revealing tops, tight pants, or shoes that make her six inches taller? What do you do if she feels ugly, no matter what you say to the contrary? How do race and class impact your daughter’s definition of beauty? These are the questions this chapter addresses.
Ironically, when I first started teaching, it was easy to overlook beauty’s impact on girls because it’s as common and invisible as the air they breathe. Beauty and style are so important to the Girl World that it wouldn’t exist without it. When you look at your daughter, you see a beautiful girl. She, however, probably can’t look past that too-big nose, her “fat” stomach, or that pimple on her chin. Those issues are a constant source of humiliation. Girls have told me for years that they struggle to survive in a painful world where the value of self-worth is too often tied to an impossible standard of beauty. The following sums up how they see the world.
Issues of beauty for girls start at really young ages, so don’t be surprised if your eight-year-old has very definitive opinions about who is beautiful and who isn’t.
Girls are constantly comparing themselves with each other.
If there’s something about their physical appearance that they do like, most girls will never admit it because they’re afraid other girls will accuse them of being vain.
If there’s something about their physical appearance they don’t like, they’re obsessed by it.
Girls need constant reassurance from each other that they fit in and look good.
Girls know they’re manipulated by the media to hold themselves to an impossible standard of beauty, but that doesn’t stop them from holding themselves to it anyway.
Most girls are obsessed with their looks. If they aren’t, they’ve found another way to express themselves through a talent or skill that builds their self-esteem.
For most girls, when a girl has a friend who’s starving herself, she’s often torn between worry and envy.
The way a girl decides to “mark” herself—from piercing a nose or lip or coloring her hair to the choice between wearing Gap or BCBG—identifies how she sees herself and to what group she belongs. Her markers reveal her relationship to the Act Like a Woman box and her opinions about living as a girl in this culture.
Adolescence is a beauty pageant. Even if your daughter doesn’t want to be a contestant, others will look at her as if she is. In Girl World, everyone is automatically entered. How does a girl win? By looking like she is standing right in the middle of the Act Like a Woman box. However, winning often comes at a high price if it means she has to sacrifice her individual identity, she thinks her inherent self-worth is tied to conforming to the beauty standard, or she becomes a vapid, noncritically thinking person because she has spent her formative years thinking her appearance is the most important thing she should focus on.
If you’re raising your daughter to value her inner worth more than her external appearance, you may be appalled to find that your daughter is so heavily judged by her looks or how ruthlessly judgmental she can be. But regardless of your very understandable feelings, you need to acknowledge the power of these issues and that it is almost inevitable that she’ll have experiences where she feels like she’s competing in this pageant. And like a pageant, there are many individual competitions leading up to the crown.
It is impossible to win the contest … but I think a lot of girls perceive others to be the winner, but in actuality those girls are just as competitive and unsure of themselves as everyone else.
—Isabel, 17
Your daughter doesn’t need special classes to learn how to be a girl in our culture. From the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed, a girl learns with constant reinforcement how she’s supposed to behave. What she wears and how she cuts her hair, says hello, and shakes hands all reflect how our culture has taught her to be a girl.
Trying to get it right can be overwhelming for girls. They’re afraid to make mistakes and often aren’t even sure what those mistakes are. Frequently they feel as if they not only have to be perfect but achieve that perfection effortlessly. Girls are bombarded with the Victoria’s Secret definition of femininity, which means having hips and curves (but only in the right places) and being skinny, hairless, fresh and clean, and smelling good. This kind of femininity appears powerful and simultaneously elusive. The ingredients to win the pageant, however, aren’t based on looks alone. It’s about coming to terms with how others perceive you as a whole package. Your appearance is merely the wrapping.
Like any present, if you’re “wrapped” well, people will think the gift is more valuable.
—Zoe, 17
Of course, definitions of femininity have become progressively more complicated and nuanced, and girls and women can be seen as strong, aggressive, and competitive athletes. Still, look at the female athletes who have the most commercial success off the field or court. They all fit right into the Act Like a Woman box as well. Just like these athletes, to get social validation, girls must still be soft, pretty, and nonthreatening. So while it’s wonderful that so many parents encourage their daughters to play competitive sports at young ages, we still have a long way to go to free them of such rigid definitions of beauty.
Everyone wants to be in shape to be skinny. Nobody wants to be ripped. You want to be toned but no bulging muscles.
—Corinne, 18
If you want your daughter to grow up to be president (or at the least have people take her seriously), teach her these four seemingly small things:
Shake hands by extending her hand confidently, looking the other person in the eye. No dead wrists or hands allowed.
Sneeze naturally. She’s not a kitten.
Do not speak a declarative sentence as if she’s asking a question, meaning her voice doesn’t rise on the last word she says.
If bothered by the presence of an insect or small animal, walk away or calmly remove it with a container or paper towel.
Every school has one. The golden girl who bears aloft the holy grail of beauty. When she’s around, boys lose their power of speech. Girls are intimidated or envious of her and think her life is perfect. Some girls constantly try to be her friend. Others talk behind her back, looking for signs of weakness. But listen to what one of these icons has to say:
People think being pretty is going to make your life way easier but it’s not that simple. My mom puts a lot of pressure on me to always look right. She always tell me it’s important to look good and present yourself well but sometimes I think that’s what is most important to her. As long as I look good, she’s happy. And I’m not happy, I’m pretending—but when I tell people that they don’t believe me. They say sarcastic things like, “Yeah, I know it must be really tough to be you.” It’s like if you’re pretty you’re not allowed to have any problems.
—Gillian, 16
I’m sure it wouldn’t surprise you that this girl typifies the classic definition of beauty: tall, thin, blond, and beautiful. If this girl—the one so many girls want to be like, the one girls envy—can feel unworthy, can you imagine what other girls feel?
Your daughter, like every girl, has moments when she has similar feelings. I often ask girls, “In an average day, how many times do you think about your weight and/or your appearance, and what percentage of those comments are negative versus positive?” they laugh at me for thinking they ever have positive comments. For some, these moments of insecurity are just that, moments when they feel good or bad, secure or insecure. But for far too many others, these moments dictate an entire self-concept of who they are and what they can be.
Girls are also constantly comparing themselves with one another, and rarely do they feel they measure up. I teach countless girls who are beautiful by anyone’s standards, yet they’re absolutely convinced that their flaws are all anyone sees, because they’re either constantly evaluating themselves according to the girls they see in the media or the “perfect” girls around them. So when your daughter tells you how incredibly ugly she is, how fat her thighs are, or how big her nose is, you have to realize that she believes it—no matter what you tell her.
You may have wondered why your daughter doesn’t believe you when you tell her she’s beautiful. You’re being blown off because you unconditionally love her. That’s why she says, “Mom, that’s what you have to say; you’re my mom.” It begs the question that if you were more conditionally loving, your opinion would matter more. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it, because you should. But it’s important to know why it feels like sometimes the things you say don’t matter.
It’s critical that moms and dads keep telling girls they are perfect and beautiful (instead of some treacherous parents I know who urge their girls to lose weight or get a nose job, etc.), even though it doesn’t seem to matter to their daughter. It does. We don’t show it. But it matters that you think we are precious and gorgeous and beautiful.
—Maggie, 18
I have never met a person who thinks she’s pretty. You sit and pick apart every flaw. The combined list of how you don’t measure up really adds up.
—Joni, 15
The pursuit and attainment of the elusive standard of beauty is one of the most critical components of girls’ power structure. Girls are keenly aware of these dynamics, and, unfortunately, very few of them feel there’s anything they can do to stop them. Ironically, it isn’t so much about the individual girl’s look that will get her into the clique but her willingness to conform to the group’s look that grants acceptance. If your daughter conforms, they’ll support her. If she rebels and strays from their norm, she’ll be ostracized.
The Queen Bee always asks “What are you wearing?” but not like what are you wearing you look cute but OMG what are YOU wearing?
—Gabriel, 11
Both my parents work in the city and we often cannot afford the luxuries my friends can. Of course I would like to fit in so I’m always asking my mom for money so I can buy the right clothes and look like I belong with them. But not wearing anything twice a month [unwritten rule of the popular cliques] is hard when you’re given a budget like mine.
—Abby, 15
When I was younger I didn’t really go after the sexy high shoes as much as the most expensive ones with the designer logos flashing all over them (Kate Spade, Lilly Pulitzer, Abercrombie, etc.). In my opinion, with younger girls especially, it’s not just about sex appeal but it’s also about getting and showing off the most expensive brands/ stuff.
—Ana, 20
The Queen Bee doesn’t necessarily create the look, but she’s a conduit of information on the look from the media to the rest of her clique. The irony of all of this is that Queen Bees are copying too—they’re just really good at looking like they’re not imitating anyone around them. A Queen Bee strictly adheres to the rules (because she made them up) and quickly corrects those who break them and stray outside the set definition of cool. The fear of censure is so strong that it can largely dictate who gets into the “higher” cliques and encourages all girls to be Wannabes. The result is that the girls in these cliques all start to look the same.
It’s not that they’re all beautiful, but those girls all look alike. They seem like they’re all sisters. They have the same body structure and they’re all petite.
—Lynn, 16
Markers control girls’ minds whether we like it or not.
—Jade, 17
A marker is the signifier of how your daughter accepts or rejects Girl World, her place in her community’s social hierarchy and her group. Her choice of clothes, hairstyle, and overall style are all markers. So are the sports she plays, what clubs she belongs to, how well she does in school, or how much money you have. Markers for a particular clique might be more specific; for example, the soccer team clique (usually the older or more athletically inclined girls plus one or two anointed freshmen) might all wear a particular sports headband in their hair.
Unfortunately, parents often have difficulty seeing their daughter’s markers for what they are—a wealth of information about her and the key to knowing how and when to reach out to her. When their daughter suddenly makes different choices about her appearance, parents take it so personally that they literally can’t see what’s in front of them. Unless she feels that she isn’t getting enough attention from you, the way she dresses and does her hair usually has nothing to do with you until you freak out about it and get into a huge fight. Many parents see these displays as a sign of disrespect toward them. They’re not. They are expressions of identity. Your children want your affirmation. They want you to be proud of them and the choices they make. They want to be accepted by you for who they are, bad clothes and strange makeup included. If you don’t accept her, she’ll think you’re squashing her, which will make her feel rejected at the precise time in her life when creating and exploring her sense of self through her image is her greatest priority. When you tell her that her tongue piercing is distracting (and you’re a little worried about the dental bills), you may believe you’re only looking out for her best interests, but she can’t hear what you’re saying. Instead, she hears that you don’t accept who she is or what she stands for. That’s why she fights back so hard. She feels as if she’s fighting for her soul, that you’re denying the person she is. Also be careful: if you freak out, you’ll convince her that the only people who unconditionally accept her are her clique.
Not all piercings are equal! Where and what a girl pierces is a clear indicator of what she thinks about Girl World. For example, piercing her belly button is an “in the box” act, where piercing her lip is an “outside the box” act.
Breasts are one of the most obvious signifiers of femininity, and with the increasing frequency of breast augmentation, their cultural currency has increased significantly. Girls see so many enhanced breasts around them that all look exactly the same, real breasts start to seem abnormal.
But even without so many women having boob jobs, do you remember the girl who developed breasts first in your circle of friends? Most likely, it was a significant moment for everybody. Were you that girl? Remember the taunting from boys and comments from other girls? Like the first daffodil of spring, this girl signals that puberty has officially begun. Many boys are transfixed by the changes her body is going through, and the other girls can be simultaneously anxious, intrigued, and envious. She’s a lightning rod for all the other children to bounce their preadolescent anxiety and excitement off of. And, if you’re a twelve-year-old girl in full bloom, the chances of your handling this situation well are slim to none.
This dynamic can be even more confusing if and when the girl notices the power of her sexuality. All of a sudden, this girl is getting attention and she gains popularity because she literally embodies the girl ideal. She can be conflicted between wanting and liking the attention and being disturbed by what it means. She likes being objectified because she’s getting attention, but is it the kind of attention she wants? Yes and no.
When I was younger, girls were worse than the boys about my boobs getting bigger. I remember in sixth grade I went to a pool party. There was only one other girl who was developing like me. I had been running around—it never occurred to me then to be self-conscious—but she had purposefully stayed in the pool to hide.
—Olivia, 16
I developed over the summer before I began seventh grade. I wore big sweatshirts all year.
—Haley, 15
A boy asked me if I would wear shoes if I didn’t have any feet. I said no. Then he asked, so then why do you wear a bra? Boys are so mean.
—Marcy, 16
One of the girls in our class obviously stuffed her shirt with tissue paper and it was coming out during class. The girls destroyed her.
—Evan, 11
In seventh grade, when we knew a girl stuffed her bra, we would sneeze and say to her, “Hey, we need a tissue!” and then everybody would laugh. So bad but so funny.
—Alex, 18
When I was in fifth grade, one girl developed DD breasts. Her breasts were the topic of everyone’s conversation. It got her a lot of attention. Maybe it was a front, but she seemed to like it. Girls were so envious. When I had a birthday party, we all made fun of her by putting towels down our shirts and pretending to flirt with invisible boys.
—Simone, 17
Simone’s making fun of an early-blooming friend is a somewhat self-deceptive act. In fact, Simone and her friends were emulating her and trying on what it would feel like to have the power and ability to flirt with boys. Now, it is absolutely true that some girls are comfortable being objectified and don’t feel subjugated if they are. They have bought into the philosophy that flaunting their sexuality doesn’t come at the expense of their personal power but is in fact a source of power. A side note for the older girls who really do believe that showing off your body is the way to have power—I think it’s a trick. If you flaunt your body to get attention or manipulate men, your power is almost always superficial because the culture (in the form of the people around you) will demand you act accordingly. And that means acting like a five-year-old. Think of the Playboy bunnies who get to live in the Mansion. They’re fun, silly, and cute. Nothing about that is authentically powerful.
The first time someone teases a girl or a friend about their leg hair, girls realize being hairless is a critical yet invisible Girl World rule. Truly, it is one of the first issues that push little girls into Girl World and the Act Like a Woman box, and it is coming at girls at earlier ages. A generation ago the teasing would start when the girls were between twelve and fourteen. Now it starts around ten or even younger. It also used to be the case that African American and Latina girls who didn’t shave were immune from censure—but not anymore. Now for all girls, having body hair is one of the first things our culture tells our daughters is wrong, unacceptable, and shameful about their bodies that they must fix to be valued.
Meanwhile, you have an eleven-year-old girl in your house who is begging to shave. So when are you supposed to let her?
First of all, understand that this is often a rite of passage for both you and her. I know it’s tempting to say “No way! Talk to me when you’re fourteen!” or hand her a razor and be done with it, but this is truly an important moment. Here’s what I’d do. Remember that your primary job is to be kind and nonjudgmental throughout the conversation because she’s probably embarrassed. And as you are being kind, ask her the pros and cons of shaving. In my opinion they are: pro—she doesn’t get teased; con—she changes herself to please others. If after all that she still wants to, I’d let her—because otherwise she just may be too much of an open target for other kids’ cruelty. Even if you disagree with the choice she ultimately makes, your conversation hasn’t gone to waste. You’ve had an open, thoughtful dialogue about an uncomfortable subject—these are the kinds of precedents you need to establish for later talks about other aspects of puberty, dating, and sex.
However, even though I said let her shave, this is not a free pass about all things to do with body hair. Under no circumstances do I think it’s appropriate for you to be paying for or allowing her to get Brazilian bikini waxes or anything else like it. It needs to be said that this is just a bad idea all around. If you don’t believe me, ask your daughter’s doctor the next time you see her. A “Brazilian” is when people get most or all of their pubic hair removed, which buys into the cultural message that the sexiest women are hairless. But the only females who are hairless are prepubescent girls. That’s really messed up.
I have struggled my whole life with my weight. Two years ago I was much heavier and people made fun of me. I would cry every day after school.
—Anne, 15
My parents have always been relentless with my sister about her weight. They say things like, “Do you really need to eat that?” or they tell her they’ll give her things if she loses weight. She’s 22 now and they still do it. I feel really bad for her but I have no idea how to get her to stop and the weird thing is my parents have no idea that everything they say just makes it worse.
—Mark, 20
I don’t have a big butt. People compare me to a white girl. I’m teased a lot for being too skinny. I wanted to hang out with people who would accept me for not being so curvy.
—Aliesha, 17
I go to a boarding school and sometimes I swear it feels like every girl in our dorm has an eating disorder. I really think some of it is because girls aren’t taken seriously here and they don’t have strong friendships with other girls. We just get so mad and don’t know how to express it. But that still doesn’t take away from the fact that one of the seniors was teaching three sophomores how to throw up. I hate that girl.
—Katie, 18
For way too many girls, their weight from the earliest of ages is their ultimate measure of worth. But it is also much more. It can represent control—especially when you feel like that’s the last thing you actually have. Whether girls worry about being too thin or having curves in “all the right places,” it’s a given that whatever they weigh is never good enough. And one of the saddest things about girls’ friendships is that, way too easily, cliques can reinforce the paranoia girls feel that they’re all losing the battle against each other. Behind every girl’s concern when her friend starves herself is the simultaneous worry that “if she thinks she’s fat, then I’m obese!” Her internal voice whispers, “Am I worried about her, or am I really envious that she has enough control that she can starve her body into submission?”
I recently received the following from a tenth-grade girl who has an anorexic friend:
We used to be a lot closer, but she just seems to have pushed everyone who’s concerned out of her life. But even if we don’t end up being great friends like we used to, I just want her to stop feeling like she has to control every ounce of food that passes (or doesn’t) through her body. I want her to feel happy with her life and with who she is, and I don’t want her to carry this disease with her to college, where I fear she’ll be lost forever.
Of course I want to get her help, but I’m not really in any position to do that, and since she is still in stage number one, denial, then getting her help would be like trying to tell a brick wall to move. I hate to look at her because she should be in a National Geographic of poor, starving children. I’m much more aware of eating disorders than I ever was. I can tell when the people around me aren’t eating. The effect of her disease is my paranoia. My conversations with other people seem to at one time or another revolve around eating disorders and how many people we know who have one.
—Laurie, 15
Girls know they’ll pay a price for coming across as vain; as much as they crave the attention of being considered attractive, you can’t proclaim yourself the reigning beauty queen without getting in trouble. Therefore, a few girls vie for acceptance by angling for Miss Congeniality. This is how you do it:
When you’re with your friends, always put yourself down, especially in comparison with them, and compliment them. (When you’re not with them, you can say what you think.) Picture what happens when one girl tells another girl how great she looks. Does the recipient of the compliment thank her? Rarely. Instead, the response is usually some variation of “Oh no, I look so fat and horrible. I can’t believe you would say that. You look so much better than me.” Girls must degrade themselves after being complimented in order not to appear vain.
Leap to your friends’ defense when they put themselves down; they’ll leap to yours when you put yourself down. So you say you’re fat? “OMG, you look so good!” Girls literally compete with each other about who’s the fattest (“You’re so much thinner than me, compared to you I’m such a cow”).
Don’t do any of the above too much because then it will look like you’re begging for compliments all the time and that’s annoying.
One of the things I always felt growing up as someone of mixed racial heritage was that I didn’t fit in anywhere. On the one hand, I was presented with the white image of beauty as the blue-eyed, blond-haired, tall, skinny, big-breasted All-American girl. On the other hand was the Asian image of beauty as petite, slender, long dark hair, exotic features, and pale skin, actresses like Lucy Liu and Ming-Na Wen. The only thing I had in common with any of those images was that I was fair-skinned. Otherwise I never felt like I measured up. It’s also true that Asian women try to look more white. My mother, for instance, puts tape on her eyelids to make them look rounder. One of my Korean friends once told me I was lucky that I had pale skin because when she went to Korea, people told her she looked like a “country girl” because she’s naturally tan. There are also operations that some girls get to make their eyes look more “white,” and some girls get nose jobs to make their noses look more “white.” This doesn’t occur only in the States either; in Korea, plastic surgery is a huge industry. It’s because they also get Western fashion magazines there and are presented with the Caucasian standard of beauty and will get nose jobs, fix their eyes, and get operations on their jaws to make their faces look less round, less Asian and more white. When you look at women like J. Lo and Beyoncé, who both have blond highlights and look like white women with tans, you realize that racism still plays itself out in what we are presented with as “beautiful.”
—Ellie, 21
In the years since this book first came out, it looks like things have changed a lot regarding race and beauty. Black and Latina women regularly show up on the cover of magazines. We have an African American First Lady. But has it really changed?
Again it’s a mixed answer. While it’s more likely to see magazine covers with nonwhite female celebrities, we need to take a closer look. They almost all have the same caramel-colored skin and long, straight hair. Michelle Obama is such a transformative figure because she is a confident, darker-skinned black woman without fake hair and nails. But the question begs to be asked: Do Latina and African American girls see themselves reflected in the faces of Beyoncé, Rihanna, Ciara, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, and Eva Mendes? Or say it another way. How are you supposed to feel if you’re a girl with kinky hair, curves, and a fuller nose?
To my mind, “beautiful women” with their light skin, thin bodies, “right” curves, and straight hair are not proof that our culture is race-blind or that girls aren’t still getting toxic messages that certain physical traits are more worthy than others. Yes, it’s great that these women are included now in our definition of beauty, but it shows that the most acceptable and easiest way to be black / Latina and beautiful is to be closer to the “white” box ideals the culture demands.
Beyoncé has repeatedly said that she refuses to kill herself to be really skinny. Tyra Banks is also very vocal about loving her curves. Without taking away anything from these women’s considerable accomplishments, they’re talking about loving their curves, not their jiggle. They aren’t loving their potbelly or flabby arms, because they don’t have them. I’m not sure how much we’ve progressed if this is what we call accepting all different types of women’s bodies.
Look at it from another side. When someone like Queen Latifah or Jennifer Hudson walks the red carpet, the commentator always says something like, “It’s so great she’s so comfortable in her own skin. She really is showing that beautiful women don’t have to be stick-thin and still look great!” They never say, “Just look at Nicole Ritchie, Keira Knightley, or Mischa Barton! Isn’t it amazing how sickly skinny they look and they still manage to walk down that aisle! They’re just an inspiration to us all!”
And just to be clear, these issues aren’t limited to African American or Latina girls:
The Indian standard of beauty is long hair, light skin, graceful, big doe eyes, and curves, but only in the right places. My culture has always thought that the paler a girl’s skin is, the more beautiful she is. The prejudice still exists now, even among the girls in my group. My mother is always telling me not to be in the sun to preserve my relatively pale skin. My friends talk about other Indian girls, deriding them because they’re dark. I used to hang out with a clique of all Indian girls, but we were full of contradictions. We say that we have friends in other groups, but we don’t. You had to pretend that you belonged to many different cliques, but the reality was that you could only belong to the group to be accepted by the group. Wearing an Indian anklet (especially because Indian clothes and jewelry are trendy right now) is cool, but discussing the partition of India and Pakistan isn’t. The Indian clique was exclusive, but the only way I can be proud of my heritage is not to be part of the Indian clique. Part of this is selfish because, like all girls, I want to be more special than everyone else, and I couldn’t be in that group. Nevertheless, life in that group was a whole lot of pretending. The ones who take the most authentic pride aren’t part of their cultural group. One of my closest friends is Japanese and she thinks the same thing.
—Nidhi, 16
Growing up and going to school in a town with a large minority population, I thought I was ugly because I didn’t look like any of my friends. It didn’t help that I was a late bloomer and was an extremely awkward adolescent. I had a sudden growth spurt and it took me a while to figure out what to do with arms and legs (clumsy is an understatement). I had straight hair, where most of my friends had dark curly hair, I was tall, pale, skinny, and flatchested, where most of my friends were shorter than I was, had curvy figures, and brown or black skin. Even if girls were my height or taller, they still had curves where I didn’t. The prettiest and most popular girls in my school looked nothing like me and this made me feel ugly in comparison. It was a reversal of wanting to fit the blond, blue-eyed ideal; I wanted to look less white and like more of a minority It was actually a double bind because by white standards I wasn’t beautiful either, because I wasn’t blond, blue-eyed, with a big chest. Even so, I rejected the blond image of beauty in favor of wanting to look like more of a minority because I wanted to be accepted in school and be pretty by those standards.
—Ellie, 21
Even in the most diverse schools, black students often have a set hallway and designated lunch tables that they occupy year after year. If a black student doesn’t want to hang out there and maintains friendships in other groups, does she still fit in with the black clique? Not usually. In fact, these girls tell me they often get grief for trying to be white. In schools with racial and economic diversity, the wealthier students of color are often torn: Where do they sit in the hallway or cafeteria? Where should their loyalty lie? Are they sellouts if they “talk white”?
For these young people, it can feel like they must make a choice between personifying “black culture” or what the overall culture allows it to show in movies, TV, music, etc.) and what their real lives actually reflect. And adults contribute to this dynamic as well!
Adults all believe that since I am black, I can’t live in the suburbs and talk like I do. They all expect me to talk like I come from a bad neighborhood. It gets really frustrating because people are surprised when they see that I’m smart and have a good home life.
—Nia, 18
Of course, the undercurrent running through this is that acting white is equal to acting educated, polite, and modest, while acting black is equal to being uneducated, rude, loud, and sexually promiscuous. Unfortunately, I have frequent experiences with parents who reinforce this message. For example, before I work in the community I always have a conference call with the organizers. If the people are from majority white suburban communities, they will often be worried about what I’m going to say and present to their children. It’s under the guise of “just wanting to check in,” but I inevitably get this comment in the form of a question, “We’re just a close community and want to make sure our children aren’t exposed to things they shouldn’t be. They’re not like those urban children you work with who are exposed to more sexual things and more violence. We don’t have those kind of influences.” Meanwhile, their kids are at home playing Grand Theft Auto on their flat screen while they’re laughing at the latest pornography they’ve downloaded.
Many white women have no idea how important the issue of “good” and “bad” hair is in nonwhite communities. If you’re reading this and were born with naturally straight hair, did you know that perming “white hair” curls it, but perming “black hair” straightens it? That those long braids some women wear are made from hair extensions, cost hundreds of dollars, take ten hours to complete, and are braided so tight that women often get terrible headaches? Or that a girl is told she has “good hair” if it’s like white hair and “bad hair” if it’s kinky?
Listen to some of my students:
I have to sit for an hour every morning while my mother yanks my hair. It makes me cry because it hurts so much.
I hate having to do my hair! I wish it were softer!
Sometimes the perms can really burn your skin.
You get your hair braided and they braid it so tight I get a really bad headache.
People always say nappy hair is bad and I have nappy hair and there isn’t a thing I can do about. It makes me feel bad.
The white girls in the room were shocked. They had no idea their friends were going through this.
I hate when people say you’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl.
—Monica, 16
You want to be the light-skinned girl with the good hair. You stare in the mirror and think, “She’s so beautiful. I wish I had her color skin. Why isn’t my nose thinner? Why am I so ugly?” In my Dominican community where I teach, the girls are either very dark or light-skinned. The darker-skin girls are just like the African American girls. They touch the light-skined girls’ hair and say, “I wish I had her hair. She’s so pretty.”
—Sonia
Some of the worst racism can come from inside your own group, and it’s exceedingly difficult and painful to talk about. When you add limited financial resources to that, it just gets more difficult, but it explains even more why markers are so critical to girls’ sense of self. In many of the working-class and poor communities where I teach, there’s always a clique of girls who have their hair, clothes, and nails done in the latest styles. The Queen Bees always have the best hair and nails. These girls spend tremendous amounts of money to maintain their markers because doing so solidifies their status.
The Dominican girls I work with say you have more benefits and more options if you have lighter skin. If you’re darker skinned, you don’t attract the right kind of boys.
—Maricruz, 22
I was coteaching a high school class on race and beauty at a Washington, D.C., school where the student body is entirely African American. The students talked about how skinny white girls were and how they didn’t have “white girl” issues like needing to be thin. But as we discussed what issues they did have, my African American colleague said, “I come from California, and no one in this room would be considered light-skinned.” You could have heard a pin drop, then hostility radiated from the back row, where the Queen Bees sat—all girls who had straightened their hair, had the best clothes and nails, and the most “white” features. As I watched their conversation unfold, I noticed that I had pressed myself into a wall as if to make myself invisible because the emotion in the room was so tense. But girls have to discuss these issues because if we don’t challenge this kind of internalized racism, girls will keep attacking each other’s sense of self. It’s not that the light-skinned girls inherently believe they’re better than other girls. Instead, it’s that if they aren’t taught the history of racism and how it influences people of color’s own perception of beauty and worth, they will unconsciously pick up on these cultural values and reinforce them.
By the way, understanding these issues should not be limited to girls in ethnic minorities. Regardless of your daughter’s race, class, religion, or ethnicity, it’s important for her to realize the connection between markers and cultural definitions of beauty and racism so she can recognize when it’s devaluing other people and challenge it. On a more hopeful note, in spite of the fact that we have a lot more to do to address racism in Girl World, I believe this generation of girls can teach us a lot about race. While of course racism persists among young people, they are also more likely to have grown up with people of different races and/or are mixed race themselves and are more accustomed to people dating outside of their race. Again, this doesn’t make kids color-blind or immune to racism, but it does mean they can teach us a lot about how to live in a more multiracial world.
Parents’ conflicts with their own issues of weight and appearance can be impenetrable blocks that stop them from helping their daughters. There’s no way you’re going to help your daughter unless you deal with your own baggage about this first.
How do you feel about your own weight and appearance?
How would your daughter answer that question about you?
How often do you talk about your weight? Every week? Every day? Does your scale decide whether it’s a good day or a bad day?
When someone compliments you, do you thank them or put yourself down?
What have you said to your daughter about how she looks?
Does your daughter understand how you feel about yourself? Do you want her to know?
Think back to when you were a teen.
What part of your body or appearance were you most self-conscious about?
Did you ever look at certain people when you were growing up and think they were perfect?
What were your markers or your style when you were a teen? Why did you choose them?
Since first writing this book, a somewhat uncomfortable situation has come about between educators and moms who have had a lot of plastic surgery. I could never have predicted this as an issue when I started teaching. The first time this was brought to my attention, I was teaching in Southern California. Earlier in the afternoon I had worked with a group of eighth-grade girls who were wearing the school uniform of conservative plaid skirts and button-down shirts. Later that evening, I was scheduled to address the parents. About a half an hour before the parent presentation, the principal pulled me aside, sat me down in his office, and said, “Ms. Wiseman, it would really help me out a lot if you could tell the parents, I mean the moms, if they could stop wearing such revealing clothes to school. What kind of message are we sending to the girl students if we’re telling them they have to wear a uniform but moms are coming into the school showing their cleavage and wearing really tight clothes? And it’s really confusing for our male students and faculty. But as a man, I can’t tell them. So could you tell them to be more appropriate?” In the last five years I have lost count of the school principals who have pulled me aside with the same request.
So moms—you should be proud of your bodies if you are taking care of yourself and you look good. More power to you. But there’s a big difference between that and being caught up in the same body image craziness that you transform your body into something more resembling a female superhero—or your teen daughter. On top of that, you need to remember that school is a professional place. I’m not saying you need to wear a suit to drop off your kids. But tiny yoga outfits or tight jeans with little tops are inappropriate.
Please stop competing with us. It’s really uncomfortable.
—Mia, 17
Now that we are on the topic of plastic surgery, teen girls don’t need breast augmentations either. I don’t care if she’s obsessed with how flat chested she is. By allowing her to have this procedure you are putting her on the road of feeling that her body and her internal worth are never good enough.
There’s a lot you can do to help your daughter deal with the incredible pressures she feels from both our cultural ideals and prejudices about beauty and the peer group she faces every day. In the next sections, I take you step-by-step through the Beauty Pageant and offer tips on handling the most common flashpoints where parents misread what their daughters tell them and intervene in counterproductive ways that undermine the very relationships they want to have. My goal is to help you strike a balance between understanding your daughter’s preoccupation with style and beauty and nurturing her to appreciate her intrinsic beauty and individuality.
Because it’s so easy to see your daughter’s behavior and appearance as a reflection of yourself, it’s excruciating when she presents herself in a way that makes you want to scream or hide. Think about the clothes and hairstyles your daughter wears from day to day. What message do you think she’s trying to send you? What message is she sending to her peers? What should you do if she dyes her hair purple or wants to be supersexy?
She’s Super Scary
I admit that I cringe looking at the piercings I see on some girls. Let’s say your daughter is dressed in the latest emo style: she’s wearing all black, her makeup is dead white, and her eyes are heavily rimmed with black. No doubt about it, she’s frightening. Your first impulse is to say, “Go upstairs right now and change into clothes that don’t scare people.” Instead, put aside your feelings about what it’s going to look like to the neighbors. Find out what your daughter wants to express through her dress and makeup. You’ve got to seriously watch your tone here because you need to come across as respectful, not hyperanxious and embarrassed. As soon as you see her changing her style ask her why. Remember what I said about really listening to her? Here would be a very good time to take me up on this. “Why the black lipstick? What do the combat boots stand for? Are they comfortable? How do you feel walking around in them?”
If your daughter is defensive, say, “I really want to know; why is this important to you? If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.” If your daughter responds that she’s doing it because she hates how superficial everyone is, say, “Okay, I respect that, but I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s not hard for me to take you to church on Sunday. But I totally accept that this is your choice to make.” It’s okay to admit that you don’t like your daughter’s choices, but it’s important to understand why they are so important to her and affirm them anyway. And honestly, if your daughter is doing these things, it tells you one very good thing—unless she’s wearing all black only because all her friends are doing it, there’s a very good chance she’s thinking about her place in the world. That means she’s an engaged critical thinker—this is a good thing.
I’m aware that many parents will pose the “slippery slope” argument; if you “let” her choose her hairstyle, makeup, and clothes, what power will you have to forbid her to do drugs or have sex? Guess what? You don’t have that power anyway. What you do have is the ability to instill in her the values that enable her to make decisions well. Remember your Bill of Rights. If your rights include honesty, respect (for self and others), and accountability, and your daughter knows and has internalized them, that’s your best defense. The question to ask yourself is: If I asked my daughter what my Bill of Rights is, would she know the answer? She needs to understand your rights and expectations.
If your daughter wants to dye her hair green, the reason why doesn’t change if you forbid her. So let her. In a few years, she’ll have only herself to blame when she winces at pictures of herself because her skin looks sallow next to that green hair, and she has a nasty, sullen expression on her face. You, on the other hand, then and now look like the reasonable and wise parent.
Now, I just said that she can choose her makeup and clothes but I have to qualify that statement. That is directed at girls fourteen and above. I don’t mean she can start wearing makeup at eleven. You and your daughter need milestones. A generation ago parents would often put down rules like no makeup or dating until sixteen. There’s a fine line between handing down rules that create power struggles between you and your daughter and rules that create safety, provide structure, and signify maturity milestones in her life. So if your tween daughter is begging you to wear makeup, tell her that before she’s allowed to wear makeup, she has to learn how to take care of her skin. Then get her some good, not too expensive facial products. And as a compromise, let her get one lip gloss.
The problem with these power struggles about beauty and appearance is that they’re annoying and unproductive. Why? If you fight her on this, you’ll lose your credibility when it comes to talking about things down the line: making responsible choices about alcohol, drugs, and sex. You’ll prolong the period of rebellion. Your daughter will be so busy fighting you that she won’t admit to herself that she’s making stupid decisions. Sometimes the cliché is true: you need to pick your battles.
Your Daughter Is Dressed So Sexy You’re Embarrassed to Let Her Leave the House
What should you do if your daughter wants to wear something so sexy that it really goes against your core values?
Dressing sexily is about wanting to be mature. Condemning your daughter’s newest miniskirt will only serve to make it more attractive. You can’t simply put your foot down. You have to find some kind of middle ground.
—Cherise, 16
Here is where you really have power with younger girls. Because it’s up to you to buy the sexy outfit for her hip-hop dance recital. You choose the Halloween costume. You are the one who is driving her to the glamour-shot studio at the mall. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is that you take a stand when she’s young and that you explain your reasons.
Yes, this is one of those times when you explain, because in this situation, saying “Because I’m the parent” or “Because I said so” is an ineffective response. I’m not saying you have to reason with your child to the point where they agree with you. What I am saying is that this is an opportunity for you to share information with her about the power of Girl World culture over her and how it is your job as her parent to help her withstand it. If you do this now, it will be considerably easier to do it when she’s older when she has much more freedom to do what she wants, buy what she wants, and wear what she wants.
But let’s fast-forward a bit and imagine you now have an eighth-grade daughter and you’re sitting in the living room on a Friday night. Your daughter walks down the stairs and quickly darts past the living room but not quite quickly enough. You can see that she’s wearing a really short skirt, knee-high boots, and a shirt held up by two strings. You want to go ballistic. This is how you have the conversation.
Mental preparation: Take a deep breath and let go of any anxiety and/or anger. Remember, she isn’t wearing this outfit out of disrespect for you.
Check to see if she has any friends with her. If she does, ask to speak with her privately, but don’t say, “I want to speak to you privately,” because then you’ll have embarrassed her in front of her friends and she won’t listen to you. Instead, say something like, “Hey, can you come into the kitchen for a minute? I need to ask you something.” Keep your tone casual!
Check in with her about her plans. Then say something like this but in your own words:
You probably don’t want to hear this, but I want to tell you how I feel about the way you’re dressed. [Wait until she stops rolling her eyes.] I know that if I forbid you from wearing what you’re wearing right now, you could change as soon as you leave the house.
But the way you’re dressed makes me nervous because you look older and sexy, which may be the point. I’m worried that people are going to treat you as if you’re older and you’ll feel pressured to maintain that image. I want you to be proud and confident when you walk into a room. So, after you leave here, during the night, ask yourself if your clothes are making you act differently than you feel is the real you.
Then, the next morning, over breakfast, ask her if she thought about the question.
If you’ve ever seen a girl dressing in a way that you think is too sexy, have you ever asked yourself, what kind of mother lets her daughter out of the house dressed like that? Here’s the deal. First of all, there’s a double standard because I’ve never heard a parent say, “What kind of dad lets their daughter leave the house dressed like that?” We have to stop blaming moms. Second, that girl dressed so inappropriately in front of you could have left the house in sweatpants. Or she could have thrown a bag with her “cute” clothes out the window and picked it up when she left the house. Or she could have left the house and gone to find something cute to wear at a friend’s house. So … be careful about throwing stones.
The Fashion Diva
You might be just as confused with how to deal with a daughter who is a fashion diva. If you’re not, you should be. Ideally, most parents want to raise a strong, capable, interesting person. What if your daughter is obsessed with celebrity magazines and websites? What if she slavishly grooms and dresses to look exactly like her friends? Just as you shouldn’t freak out if your daughter is dressing in all black, you shouldn’t freak out here. I just want you to look at what she wears and her style (no matter what that is) as one of the best ways to tell you what she values in her world. And if her appearance is telling you she is blindly following others, that’s a problem you need to pay attention to because she’ll likely do it in any other areas too.
Have you noticed that girls will use any excuse to dress up in sexy costumes? Halloween is the most obvious example, but girls will do it whenever they feel they can get away with it. Note that I don’t mean get away with it with you but with their peers. These situations are cease-fires in girls’ battles with each other where they get to dress as sexy as possible with less fear of recrimination (“Did you see the way she was dressed? What a slut!”). It’s the freedom to be a “bad” girl.
I love Halloween! You can be a devil, angel, or a French maid. It’s an excuse to be sexy without worrying about what anyone else is saying.
—Lynn, 16
We had celebrity day and everyone used it as an excuse to wear short skirts, low-cut shirts, and no one could say anything about it because you can dress up however you want without people calling you a whore.
—Nia, 18
So, when your daughter dresses up as a belly dancer or the latest celebrity with what you consider to be totally inappropriate clothes (and it doesn’t have to be something so dramatic as a whole costume, it could just be a pair of shoes), before you react to her, know her motivation. Like it or not, she’s test-driving her power. You have to be able to say to your daughter, “When you wear X, you have to know that people will think of you in a sexual way. And some will see you as a target. Be clear about what your boundaries are and what you do and do not want to do with someone.”
If you’ve communicated how you feel in a clear, respectful way and allow her to experiment (even if you think it’s a mistake), your words will be in her head when she needs them most. (I’ll discuss this issue in more depth in Chapter 11.)
Don’t wait for your daughter to come to you. Know with absolute certainty that sometime in fifth or sixth grade she’ll be comparing her physical development against that of her peers. It doesn’t matter if she has big breasts or is completely flat. Talk to her about it. Sit down and say, “I want to talk to you about something that’s totally normal for someone in your grade (notice I didn’t say ‘normal for your age’ because that is a parent thing to say). I’m not sure if this has happened already, but I’m sure people are physically developing at different rates in your class. Some girls may need to wear a bra and some don’t. That’s totally normal. But it’s also normal for girls to be teased because of it and that isn’t okay. Have you ever seen anything like that happen?”
If the answer is no, then end the conversation by assuring her: “Well, I’m glad it hasn’t happened, but if it ever does and you want to talk about it or anything else, I’d be happy to talk to you.” If the answer is yes, listen and keep asking questions about how she feels. Brainstorm with her about what she can do and say to make herself feel better. If she’s an early developer and you tell her that other girls are jealous, explain why. But advise her not to accuse her tormentors of jealousy as that will make them even angrier and more vindictive. Tell your daughter she’s beautiful, that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and that they’re all beautiful. Make sure she has access to the books and websites that reassure her that what she’s going through is normal. It’s great to hear it from you, but if possible, find someone your daughter thinks is cool and stylish (remember, this is your daughter’s choice, not yours—you just have to think the person is sane) and have that woman share with her the similar insecurities she had when she was your daughter’s age.
Just one last word on the puberty thing. Sometimes parents get a little too caught up in trying to make it sound wonderful and exciting “now that your body is changing.” While of course you want to teach your daughter to be proud of her body as she goes through puberty, you also need to give her the space to think puberty is embarrassing and not so wonderful. Girls need to talk about how physical development makes them feel about themselves and their peers and place it into the context of their lives—not just what happens when you get your period.
If you’re reading this and your daughter is an older teen, don’t worry, you can still have the talk with her. Just start the conversation by saying, “I just want to check with you about something.” Start with yourself. What does your style say about you? Why do you think that? Then ask your child, “What does your style say about you?”
Go through the pages of a fashion or celebrity magazine with your daughter and talk about the homogenized images of beauty you find there. Mute the volume during the ads when you are watching TV with her and ask her what it’s teaching her about what is beautiful. Go to your daughter’s favorite websites and analyze them. What are they telling you that women need to fix? What are they telling your daughter about girls’ value and what they believe about Girl World? This probably won’t be news to your daughter, but it’s important to get her to articulate it. What does it take out of her to try to measure up? Now talk about how looks matter to her group of friends. What kind of pressure does she feel to uphold the standards of the clique? What happens when she breaks the rules? Your goal here is to increase her awareness of how media images and her friends influence her feelings about her attractiveness and self-esteem. As you’ll do in so many other situations regarding her relationship with friends, ask her, “Who’s making the decisions about how you look and feel about yourself?”
My daughter came home one day after school and told me that she wasn’t pretty because she had darker skin than me. When I asked her why she thought that, she told me that someone at school had said that darker-skinned girls aren’t as beautiful. I have to tell you I wanted to go over to that school and find out who had said that to my daughter, because it was so painful.
—John
So what did I tell that dad? First, you have to be clear with yourself about how these issues have impacted you. Look at pictures of when you were growing up and then share them with your daughter, including your feelings about yourself at the time. Tell her she’s beautiful. But don’t shy away from telling her that, unfortunately, she’s not alone in how she feels. Girls in many different cultures grow up hearing the same things about darker skin, broader noses, curlier hair, etc. So ask her to imagine a girl in India, Korea, or Africa who is being teased or looked down on just because she doesn’t have as light skin or straight hair as other girls. Then ask your daughter if she could give advice to that girl, what would she say to her? Now your daughter needs to tell herself those same words. You don’t want your daughter feeling ashamed or less worthy because of how insidiously racist the world is. She needs to see this issue in a larger context so that she doesn’t feel alone and she realizes this problem is bigger than her. That way she begins to understand the context for the comments and hopefully will be empowered to stand up for all women being valued as beautiful.
You’re getting new jeans for your daughter. Sometime over the last year she’s developed hips. You have brought no less than twenty different styles and sizes into the changing room for her to try on, yet she hates all of them. After what seems like hours, she opens the dressing room door and she’s near tears. She says to you, “I hate how I look, I am so fat.” If you’re still wrestling with your own issues about weight, these situations can be lightning rods between you and your daughter. For her sake, get yourself together about it so that you can be an effective role model.
If you think your daughter is overweight, the first thing to do is stop and check your baggage again. Is she truly too heavy, or are you projecting your own issues onto her?
Could you be panicking when there’s no reason? Do you “need” her to be thin to satisfy your standards of beauty? Are you judging her as weak-willed or lazy if she’s chubbier than you’d like?
I can’t tell you how many heartbreaking discussions I’ve had with girls whose parents have given them the most toxic, and sometimes unintentional, messages about how “fat” they are. You see her eating a cookie and you say, “Do you really need to be eating that?” which is parent code for “Can’t you see how fat you are?” Other messages are just as unhelpful: “I’m only saying this because you’d be so pretty if you just lost weight. Don’t you want to look your best?” And please forget about the bribes like, “If you lose ten pounds, I’ll give you that cell phone you really want.”
If your daughter really is eating junk food all the time, and she’s genuinely overweight, you do need to address that. What does help: healthy dinners, teaching her to slow down while she’s eating so she can listen to her stomach when it’s full, and enrolling her in physical activities where losing weight is a by-product of the fun she’s having and skills she’s learning.
She’s also a prime candidate for a martial arts class. Have her check out a couple of schools and enroll her in one for three months. I used to teach martial arts, so here’s a word on the kind of teacher you’re looking for—and this would be the case for any “coach.” They encourage their students through hard work, clear goals, and group support. They never brag about their own exploits or put their students down for their weight or physical abilities.
This is a tough battle; girls often hear “eat healthy food” as code for “you’re fat.” If weight issues are an ongoing struggle for you, it’s best to admit that to your daughter up front (but remember there’s a good chance she already knows that). Acknowledge the powerful influence of the media. Even the most emancipated women can’t escape the impact of all those messages our culture sends us about what we have to be. Discuss the issue with your daughter. For younger girls, eight through twelve, look through magazines together and ask your daughter to create a collage of what she considers healthy images of women. Then ask her to do another collage of all the unhealthy images you find in the women’s magazines. Help her analyze what’s right and wrong with these images. Then, talk to her about the messages she gets about body weight from her friends and clique. Are these messages that make her feel good about herself? What kind of pressure is she feeling from the group to change how she looks?
The message your daughter needs to hear from you is that you love her just as she is, that you acknowledge that the world we all live in is horribly judgmental about people’s weight, and that any conversation about her weight is based on developing strength and confidence in her body.
If you suspect your daughter has an eating disorder, either anorexia (she’s starving herself or is headed that way), or binging, or bulimia (she binges and purges), it’s essential to see a qualified therapist who specializes in treating these problems. For that reason, in addition to the signs to look for that are included in this chapter, you’ll find other resources in the back of the book. We all have a stereotype of the little girl lost, starving herself to please her perfectionist, controlling parents. I can tell you that I’ve worked with many girls whose parents were truly loving and supportive and didn’t conform to this stereotype at all. Don’t waste time blaming yourself for your daughter’s eating disorder. Get professional help right away.
Emotional
Sudden change in attitude
Talks consistently about dieting, being or feeling “fat”
Denies problem
Constantly asks for reassurance about appearance
Behavioral
Seems constantly moody
Wears baggy clothes, either to hide weight loss or to conceal body
Compulsive behavior, appears “on edge,” talks a lot about food, carries food around, possessive about food
Avoids social functions where food is present
Suddenly stops eating around other people; always claims to have previously eaten
Ritualistic about food (cuts food into small pieces, takes a long time to finish meals, avoids food other people have bought or cooked)
Physical
Sudden fluctuation of weight (loss or gain)
Abdominal pain
Constantly tired, forgetful
Feeling faint, dizzy, cold
Lanugo hair (a fine, downy, white hair that grows on the body to regulate temperature)
If your friend admits to having an eating disorder, encourage her to get help and talk to a trusted adult (parent, school counselor, coach, teacher, pastor, rabbi, etc.).
Avoid making comments about your body shape or size, food, dieting, or weight loss or gain.
Try to avoid making situations awkward. Keep inviting your friend to social functions, even if she refuses to go.
Set boundaries and remember that you are not responsible for your friend’s eating disorder. You cannot fix it, but you can always be there for support.
Tell somebody—a trusted adult, friend, or professional. You cannot heal from an eating disorder alone. Ask to talk when you both have some time and are not in a hurry. Practice what you are going to say. Write it down, say it out loud, or go over it in your head.
Many adults do not understand eating disorders. Don’t be discouraged if people are shocked, deny the problem, or get angry.
Be proud of yourself for coming forward and remember that you deserve to be healthy and happy.
Understand that eating disorders are not about food, size, weight, or shape.
Preoccupations and obsessions about food and weight are merely symptoms.
Ask for help from a qualified professional who has experience with eating disorders and body image concerns.
Be honest about your needs. Eating disorders are difficult to treat, and you will need a lot of support. Ask for help and be specific about your needs.
The Something Fishy Website on Eating Disorders: www.somethingfishy.org
National Eating Disorders Association: www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Eating Disorder Referral and Network Center: www.edreferral.com
When we last left you at the beginning of this chapter, you were rationalizing your defeat as your daughter texted her friends about the shoes she just got out of you. But now you know why they mattered to her so much: a Queen Bee probably made a snide comment about her shoes last week or maybe she’s desperate to have another pair because the ones you’re talking about were cool last month and now she needs these.
So when do you give in and help your daughter fit into the clique and please the Queen Bee, and when do you encourage her to go for it and stand on her own? I’m not saying that you should give in every time she “has” to have something. Far from it. She should never be rewarded for whining, acting entitled, or being rude. What I’m saying is that before you say no, remember how important these things were when you were her age. Remember the pressures she’s under in the Beauty Pageant. If you can empathize, it’ll be a lot easier for you to take her seriously, which makes you come across to her as a reasonably sympathetic person. And that more likely results in a mutually agreeable solution. You want flats, she wants four-inch heels: you compromise on two-inch heels. You want black, she wants sparkles: she gets something with some decoration. You just shelled out for last month’s shoes and don’t want to pay a penny more; she has to split the cost with you, do extra chores to pay for them, or it comes out of an agreed-upon clothing budget, beyond which every dime comes out of her own pocket.
Remember, it’s never just about the shoes. A precedent is being established. She goes to you for help. You say no. She feels that you “just don’t get it.” She does it anyway but now sneaks behind your back. When she’s thirteen, it’s shoes; when she’s fifteen, it’s a nineteen-year-old boyfriend. Whether she grows up too fast is in large part determined by your recognizing the cultural pressures she’s under, and establishing yourself as someone who listens and respects her problems and then works with her to come up with mutually acceptable solutions.
Most of us struggle with Beauty Pageant issues throughout our lives. If you can admit and reflect on how the pageant impacts you and your daughter, it takes some of its power away. No matter in which category your daughter falls, the Beauty Pageant is a ruthless competition. Even if she wins, she still loses, because she may have to sacrifice so much of herself to carry the scepter. You can’t pull her out of the pageant, but you can teach her to walk across the stage with grace and dignity, believing in her inherent self-worth.