A singles group had developed the custom of having the women choose the men for their first dance of the evening. The following exchange was overheard when an attractive woman approached a slender, well-groomed man at his table.
Woman: How ‘bout a dance?
Man: [Looking around.] Me?
Woman: There’s nobody else at your table.
Man: I guess so.
Woman: [Miffed.] You don’t seem too enthusiastic.
Man: Didn’t think you’d choose me.
Woman: [Sitting down.] Why not—you look nice to me?
Man: Nice? [Sarcastic.] This suit is fifteen years old and doesn’t fit, I’ve got Pinocchio’s nose, I’m losing my hair, and I dance like I’m slipping on gravel.
Woman: [Silence.]
Man: You want to dance?
Woman: [Getting up.] Let me think about that.
The man in the dialogue was among the most attractive people at the singles group that night. But his self-concept was distorted by an overemphasis on the negative. He was filtering out all awareness of his positive qualities while focusing exclusively on his perceived flaws.
People with low self-esteem do not see themselves clearly. Like a reflection in a warped fun house mirror, the image they see magnifies their weaknesses and minimizes their assets. The usual result of seeing such a distorted reflection is a strong feeling of inadequacy, since they seem to compare so poorly with those around them. They see other people far more accurately than they see themselves, because they are aware of others’ balances of strengths and weaknesses. Compared to all these “normal” people, their distorted fun house image seems terribly flawed.
To raise your self-esteem, it is absolutely necessary to throw away the old warped mirrors and learn to accurately perceive your particular balance of strengths and weaknesses. This chapter will help you create a clear and accurate self-description. Instead of filtering out your strengths and magnifying your weaknesses, you can learn to recognize and value the person you really are.
The first step toward accurate self-assessment is to write down in as much detail as possible how you see yourself at the present time. The following self-concept inventory will help you organize your self-description.
Write down as many words or phrases as you can to describe yourself in the following areas:
When you are finished with the inventory, go back and put a plus by items that represent strengths or things you like about yourself. Put a minus by items that you consider weaknesses or would like to change about yourself. Don’t mark items that are neutral, factual observations about yourself.
Eleanor, a sales representative for a pharmaceutical company, completed her Self-Concept Inventory as follows.
It took Eleanor about an hour of concentrated effort to make this list. Right away she learned something very important about herself. She saw that she had almost as many minus as plus items in each category of the inventory. While she was able to recognize her strengths, it was also clear that Eleanor had many negative judgments about who she was in every area of her life.
Not everyone has the same response pattern as Eleanor. You may find that the vast majority of your minus items show up in just one or two areas of the inventory. If that’s the case, your self-esteem is generally good but has a few specific weak spots. The more your minus items are spread throughout the inventory and the larger the proportion of minus to plus items, the more effort it will take to achieve a realistically positive self-concept.
Divide a fresh sheet of paper into two columns. On the left, write down each item that was marked with a minus. Leave three lines between each item so that you’ll have sufficient room to rewrite and make changes.
There’s nothing wrong with having faults. Everybody has them. There isn’t a person on earth who doesn’t have a list of ways that he or she would like to be different. The problem is not in having such a list, but the ways in which you use your weaknesses for destructive self-attacks. Saying that you hide your anger with your friends is a reasonable assessment. But to condemn yourself as “phony with friends,” as Eleanor did, undermines your self-esteem. Being aware that you have a 32-inch waist and would like to lose 3 inches is a realistic evaluation of something you want to change. But to say that you have a “fat belly” is like sticking pins in your sense of worth.
There are four rules you need to follow when you begin revising the items on your list of weaknesses.
Now it’s time to revise each weakness on the left side of your list. Do it carefully, taking as much time as necessary. This is an extremely challenging task. You will be taking a major step toward changing the negative self-evaluations that make you feel wrong and not okay.
Remember that each revised item should (1) eliminate all pejorative language, (2) be accurate and purely factual, (3) eliminate general indictments in favor of specific situations where the weakness occurs, and (4) include as many exceptions and corresponding strengths as you can think of.
The next step in accurate self-assessment is to acknowledge your strengths. But this is no easy task. The American culture has a degree of ambivalence about boasting. Heroes let their actions speak for them. Braggarts are shunned. In addition to these cultural prohibitions, you may have had experiences in your own family that make you reluctant to acknowledge your positive side. Critical parents often punish children for speaking well of themselves. While growing up, some children experience hundreds of interactions like these:
Jimmy: I did good on the spelling test.
Mother: Yes, but you got a D last week, and the teacher says you aren’t doing all your homework.
Susan: I climbed the tree in the backyard, Daddy.
Father: Don’t do that; it’s dangerous.
Mike: I showed my shell collection in school today.
Father: And then did you bring it home, or did you lose it?
As a result of cultural and parental conditioning, you may find it anxiety-provoking to give yourself credit for your assets. It feels dangerous, almost as if somebody might hurt you or strike you down for your audacity.
This is the time to be audacious, to toot your own horn, to search for and acknowledge things to appreciate about you. Go back to your Self-Concept Inventory. On a fresh sheet of paper, write down all the items marked with a plus. Now look at the items on your revised weaknesses list for which you wrote corresponding strengths. If any of these corresponding strengths are not on your list of assets, add them now.
Read slowly the items on your list of strengths. Try to think of other special qualities or abilities that you haven’t mentioned. Think of compliments you’ve been given, remember little successes, and remember what you’ve overcome and what you’ve cared about. Include any prizes, awards, or good marks you’ve earned. The following exercise may help you remember some of the things that you value about yourself.
Exercise
For a few moments think about the people you have most loved or admired. What qualities move you to feel affection or admiration? What makes you really like someone? Right now, before reading further, jot down on a piece of paper those qualities that you have most appreciated in these individuals.
At this point your list should be complete. You can now use it as a tool for introspection. Go down the list slowly, item by item, and ask yourself which of these qualities apply to you. Look for examples from your past or present.
You may be surprised to find that a number of the same qualities that inspire you to care for and respect others are descriptive of you as well.
If any of the special qualities that you value in others and recognize in yourself have not been included in your list of strengths, add them now.
Go over your list of strengths one more time. Rewrite them in complete sentences, using synonyms, adjectives, and adverbs to elaborate. Get rid of negatives in favor of positives, and eschew “left-handed compliments.” When Eleanor revised her strengths list, she changed “don’t need makeup” to “I have excellent natural coloring.” She changed “funny” to “I have a quick, perceptive sense of humor that people really appreciate.” She elaborated “independent” by writing, “When it really counts, I can depend on myself and not have to ask others for help. I have a strong core of strength and resolve that will see me through.”
You’ve been spending years dwelling on and polishing your list of negative qualities. Now give equal time to your strengths. Dwell on them. Pretend that you are writing a letter of recommendation for someone you really love and really want to succeed. When Eleanor got to items like “like to learn new things” and “curious about how things work,” she really went to town. This is an area where you will have to go a little overboard, to counteract your usual tendency to downplay your strengths.
It’s time now to meld your strengths and weaknesses into a self-description that is accurate, fair, and supportive. It must be a description that won’t run away from the truth. It will acknowledge weaknesses that you might like to change. But it will also include the personal assets that are undeniably part of your identity. Your new description should cover all eight areas of the self-concept inventory, including the more significant strengths and weaknesses (from the revised version only). The self-description that Eleanor wrote follows.
I’m five-foot five, 130 pounds, with large brown eyes, a proportionately too-large nose, full lips, prominent front teeth, dark curly hair, and a clear, young-looking complexion. I have excellent natural coloring. I have a 32-inch waist, 21-inch thighs, and well-shaped hips.
I am a warm, friendly, open person who communicates well. I am reasonably assertive at work and with the kids. I have difficulty asking for what I want and setting limits with my husband and certain friends. I make friends easily, although I’m reluctant to express anger with them. I have a good relationship with my children. At times I nag and hassle the kids about their chores and homework. I am a good listener and am intuitive about people, especially when I can relate face-to-face.
I’m an extremely responsible person. I have a quick, perceptive sense of humor that people really appreciate. I make a real effort to be cheerful. I enjoy it when the whole family is home together in the evenings, and it’s hard on me to be alone after eight or nine at night. I really enjoy people, but sometimes I try too hard or tell too much when I’m really involved in a conversation.
Others see me as a positive, competent, strong person. But I tend to defer to others who have strong opinions. I know little about current events and politics, yet I feel knowledgeable about the things that really interest me—psychology, children, my job, modern dance, and making a family work. When it really counts, I can depend upon myself and not have to ask others for help. I have a strong core of strength and resolve that will see me through.
On the job I’m hardworking and conscientious and get along well with others. I hate the paperwork involved in my job, and occasionally I miss a few of the details. I’m uncomfortable when I’m on the phone and tend to delay calls to irritable doctors. I’m a great salesperson when I can sit down with people face-to-face. I can really sell the products along with myself.
I am fast, casual, and efficient when it comes to cooking, housework, and grooming. I tend to put off things like visiting my mother and housecleaning. Fortunately I have a high tolerance for the kids’ clutter. I do a whirlwind cleanup campaign on Sundays.
I’m fairly intelligent and like to learn new things. My curiosity is insatiable. I like to discover how things work—a new drug we are selling or the inside of a toaster. This will keep me growing and changing. I avoid political and philosophical arguments and am bored with abstract theory. I love talking about human nature and what makes people tick. I’m not good at arts and crafts, but I enjoy decorating the house.
I feel sexually alive and open to sexual experimentation, although I feel inhibited about undressing or walking around naked—even in front of my husband. I’m intuitive and able to communicate fairly easily about sex.
Your new self-description could be worth your weight in platinum. You should read it to yourself out loud, slowly and carefully, twice a day for four weeks. This is the minimum length of time for you to begin changing the ways you spontaneously think about yourself. Just as you learn a song by “getting the tune in your ear,” you can learn a more forgiving, more accurate way of thinking about yourself by reading your new self-description every day.
You’ve listed the qualities in yourself that you appreciate. But that doesn’t mean much unless you can remember them. When the critic is beating on you for being stupid or selfish or frightened of life, you’ve got to remember your strengths so that you can answer him back. You’ve got to be able to say, “Wait a minute, I’m not listening to that. I know I’m creative, I’m generous to my kids, and I tried a new career at forty.”
Remembering your strengths, particularly at the times when you feel most down on yourself, requires you to develop a system of daily reminders. The following three methods will help you stay aware of your positive qualities.
Write a new affirmation each morning. Make it something you can believe about yourself, something comforting and supportive. Keep your affirmation in mind throughout the day, as though it were a sort of meditation. Use it when you feel under stress or self-critical. Use it like a touchstone, a reassuring knowledge that you are a good and worthy person.
While some people will dismiss reminder signs as absurd or silly, many who use them report that they reinforce and strengthen their sense of personal adequacy. The signs are a way of forcing you to notice what qualities in yourself you value.
Make a commitment to be accurate. Accurate self-assessment involves two things: (1) acknowledging and remembering your strengths and (2) describing your weaknesses accurately, specifically, and nonpejoratively. This second aspect requires a major commitment on your part. When the critic is kicking you, when he’s exaggerating and using those negative generalizations, you’ve got to stop him. The truth will stop him: accuracy, specificity, nonjudgment. Stay vigilant. Those old, negative ways of talking to yourself are well-entrenched habits. You will need to answer them, over and over again, with the new and accurate language you have learned.