Contents

Chapter 1: The Nature of Self-Esteem

Causes and Effects

How to Use This Book

For the Therapist

An Issue of Diagnosis

Cognitive Restructuring for Self-Esteem

Chapter 2: The Pathological Critic

An Arsenal of Shoulds

The Origin of the Critic

Why You Listen to the Critic

The Role of Reinforcement

The Variable-Ratio Reinforcement Schedule

How the Critic Gets Reinforced

Positive Reinforcement for the Critic

Negative Reinforcement for the Critic

Catching Your Critic

Chapter 3: Disarming the Critic

Unmasking His Purpose

Talking Back

Making Your Critic Useless

Summary Chart

Chapter 4: Accurate Self-Assessment

Self-Concept Inventory

Listing Your Weaknesses

Listing Your Strengths

A New Self-Description

Celebrate Your Strengths

Chapter 5: Cognitive Distortions

The Distortions

1. Overgeneralization

2. Global Labeling

3. Filtering

4. Polarized Thinking

5. Self-Blame

6. Personalization

7. Mind Reading

8. Control Fallacies

9. Emotional Reasoning

Combating Distortions

The Three-Column Technique

Creating Your Rebuttal Voice

Rules for Rebuttal

Rebuttals

1. Overgeneralization

2. Global labeling

3. Filtering

4. Polarized thinking

5. Self-blame

6. Personalization

7. Mind reading

8. Control fallacies

9. Emotional reasoning

Chapter 6: Defusing Painful Thoughts

Watching Your Thoughts

Letting Go of Thoughts

Combining Watching, Labeling, and Letting Go

Distancing from the Critic

Example: Tony and the Three Questions

Chapter 7: Compassion

Compassion Defined

Understanding

Acceptance

Forgiveness

Toward a Compassionate Mind

The Compassionate Response

The Problem of Worth

Affirming Your Worth

Compassion for Others

Empathy

Chapter 8: The Shoulds

How Values Are Formed

The Tyranny of the Shoulds

Healthy Versus Unhealthy Values

How Shoulds Affect Your Self-Esteem

Discovering Your Shoulds

Challenging and Revising Your Shoulds

Cutting Off the Should

Atonement—When Shoulds Make Sense

Chapter 9: Acting on Your Values

Life Domains

Ten Weeks to Put Values into Action

Planning Committed Action

Chapter 10: Handling Mistakes

Reframing Mistakes

Mistakes as Teachers

Mistakes as Warnings

Mistakes: Prerequisite for Spontaneity

Mistakes: The Necessary Quota

Mistakes as Nonexistent in the Present

The Problem of Awareness

Responsibility

The Limits of Awareness

The Habit of Awareness

Raising Your Mistake Consciousness

Chapter 11: Responding to Criticism

The Myth of Reality

A TV Screen in Every Head

Screen Inputs

Innate constitution

Physiological state

Emotional state

Habitual behavior patterns

Beliefs

Needs

The Screen as Monster-Maker

Mantra for Handling Criticism

Responding to Criticism

Ineffective Response Styles

Aggressive style

Passive style

Passive-aggressive style

Effective Response Styles

Putting It All Together

Chapter 12: Asking for What You Want

Your Legitimate Needs

Needs Versus Wants

Wants into Words

Distilling the Assertive Request

Whole Messages

Your Thoughts

Your Feelings

Putting It Together

Rules for Requests

Chapter 13: Goal Setting and Planning

What Do You Want?

Question 1: What Hurts or Feels Bad?

Question 2: What Are You Hungry For?

Question 3: What Are Your Dreams?

Question 4: What Are the Little Comforts?

Selecting Goals to Work On: The First Cut

Selecting Goals to Work On: The Evaluation

Making Your Goals Specific

Making Mental Movies

Listing the Steps

Making a Commitment

Blocks to Achieving Goals

Insufficient Planning

Insufficient Knowledge

Poor Time Management

1. Prioritize

2. Make To Do Lists

3. Say “No”

Unrealistic Goals

What are the odds?

Fear of Failure

Fear of Success

Chapter 14: Visualization

Why Visualization Works

Visualization Exercises

Rules for Creating Effective Self-Esteem Visualizations

Self-Esteem Sessions

Special Considerations

Chapter 15: I’m Still Not Okay

A Special Vulnerability

Protecting Against the Pain

Addicted to Your Defenses

The Addict Faces Reality

Seeing the Consequences

Learning Abstinence

Facing the Pain

Floating Past the Pain

Anchoring to the Good Times

The Option of Therapy

Chapter 16: Core Beliefs

Identifying Core Beliefs

Laddering and Theme Analysis

Learning Your Rules

Testing Your Rules

New Core Beliefs

New Beliefs Mean New Rules

The Evidence Log

Chapter 17: Building Self-Esteem in ChildrenBy Judith McKay, RN

The Power of Parents

Parents as Mirrors

Look at Your Child

Looking at the Positive

Looking at the Negative

A Special Challenge—The Child Who Is Different

A Child in Your Own Image

Listening

How to Listen to Your Kids

What to Listen for

Accepting Your Child’s Negative Feelings

The Language of Self-Esteem

Praise

Correcting Your Child

Discipline

The Case Against Punishment

Make It Easy to Do It Right

Involve Your Child in Solving Problems

The Facts of Life—Consequences

Autonomy

Promoting Confidence

Promoting a Feeling of Success

Promoting Success in School

Promoting Social Skills

Modeling Self-Esteem

Bibliography