The previous chapter made the distinction between values and shoulds. It explained that shoulds are unexamined, unrealistic beliefs that undermine your self-esteem when you let them guide your actions. This chapter focuses on the positive side of belief: uncovering, clarifying, and acting on your true values to enhance your sense of worth.
Healthy values are the opposite of shoulds. Where shoulds are inflexible rules, values are flexible guidelines. Where shoulds are unexamined beliefs picked up from your parents and peers, values are fully examined and owned by you. Where shoulds are unrealistic commandments that condemn you to shame and self-doubt, values are realistic standards that give your life meaning. Your values are your chosen life direction, what you want your life to be about.
In this chapter you will examine all the important areas of your life that affect your self-esteem, uncover the barriers you encounter in each area, define your core values, and plan how to put those values into committed action. This kind of values-based behavior activation was first described by Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson in their 1999 book, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
The first step in acting on your values is to examine the different domains of your life that impact your self-esteem. These are areas of life in which most people hold strong values. Some domains will be very important to you. Others may not really apply to you. You might want to add one or two domains. Here are short descriptions of the ten domains, which were adapted from the book Mind and Emotions by McKay, Fanning, and Zurita Ona (2011), that will be used in the exercise that follows this section:
Exercise
A downloadable version of this form is available online at http://www.newharbinger/33933.
Example: The following form was completed by Audrey, a twenty-nine-year-old customer service rep for a regional Internet service provider in her rural Washington state hometown. Fresh out of school, she and her boyfriend, Gary, and some of his friends had been part of a mobile app startup in Seattle. Just as a larger company was about to buy them out and make them all rich, or so she thought, Gary dumped her and she was out in the cold. Everything had been done on a handshake, and nobody was shaking her hand anymore. Angry and depressed, she moved back in with her mom. For six months she sat around surfing the web and playing games, rarely getting out of her pajamas or the house.
Finally forced to look for work by her mom’s nagging, Audrey ended up in a tiny cubicle “taking calls from morons.” And she wasn’t even very good at it because customer service requires faking a cheerful confidence that was the opposite of the way she felt. Her work life was a key domain for her self-image, and she felt like a stupid failure.
She was lonely but afraid of trusting another man. It seemed like they could tell she was a sham, not really a real person, just a shell that they could pick up and throw away. She used to enjoy hiking and kayaking with friends, was even something of a jock, but she hadn’t done either for a long time. Two of her old high school friends still lived nearby, but she had made no effort to get back in touch, thinking they would judge her as a failure. She’d gained twenty-five pounds over the last year, eating a lot of junk food and not exercising. She felt tired and listless all the time.
Now it’s time to put your values into action. Keep track of your progress over the next ten weeks on the form below or on a separate sheet of paper. In the first column, list your two or three most important self-esteem domains from the previous exercise, plus the values you have identified in each domain.
In the second column, briefly state your intentions. These are the things you would be doing if you were acting according to your values all the time, without letting any fears or doubts or other painful feelings hold you back. Avoid vague general terms like “be more loving,” or “stay relaxed.” State your intentions in the form of small, discrete, actions that you can keep track of. Instead of “be more loving” with your child, you might say “play blocks after nap” or “read a bedtime story.”
The way to break your intentions down into discrete actions is to include the who, what, where, and when:
In order to fill out the third column, you’ll need to use your imagination. Close your eyes and imagine yourself performing each action. Really see and feel with all your senses: who is there, what is said, what the scene looks like, the weather, the temperature, what you’re wearing, the thoughts running through your mind, how you’re feeling. As the scene becomes more vivid, dwell on the thoughts and feelings that typically come up for you, the barriers to action that you experience in your mind and body. When you have a good sense of these barriers, write them down in the third column.
Over the next ten weeks, commit to putting your values into action, even though you run into the usual barriers. At the end of that time, you will have a graphic record of your progress.
| Most Important Domains/
Values |
Intentions in Detail:
Who, What, When, Where |
Barriers: Feelings and Thoughts that Keep Me from Acting on My Intention: | Number of Times I Acted on My Intention Each Day: | |||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|||
A downloadable, full-page version of this form is available online at http://www.newharbinger/33933.
Values into Action Log
| Most Important Domains/
Values |
Intentions in Detail:
Who, What, When, Where |
Barriers: Feelings and Thoughts that Keep Me from Acting on My Intention: | Number of Times I Acted on My Intention Each Day: | |||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
|||
|
Intimate relationships / love, trust |
Pick an online dating site |
Too scary, do it later, not ready |
1 |
|||||||||
|
Write my profile |
I have nothing to offer. |
3 |
1 |
1 |
||||||||
|
Post the profile |
No one will want me. |
1 |
1 |
|||||||||
|
support |
Attend Friday birthday lunches at work |
They think I’m too nerdy, too passive. |
1 |
1 |
1 |
|||||||
|
Call Margie and Joan |
They’ll see what a failure I am. |
2 |
||||||||||
|
Have coffee with Margie and Joan |
They’re busy with their own lives; they’re too provincial. |
1 |
2 |
|||||||||
|
Physical self-care and health / fun, kayak |
Clean junk food from cupboards and fridge |
What’s the use? It’s everywhere. |
1 |
1 |
||||||||
|
Cook a real dinner |
Too tired, I deserve treats |
1 |
3 |
2 |
1 |
3 |
3 |
2 |
||||
|
Kayak on lake |
It’s a waste of time and energy. Only losers kayak alone. |
1 |
||||||||||
Audrey only managed to act on one of her intentions in the first week. She cleaned out her cupboards and fridge, tossing out chips and dip, cookies, soda, and other junk food. The second week she cooked a real dinner on three nights and lost a pound. She also went online and picked a dating site aimed at younger, technically minded people. In the third week she ate better at dinner and went out to lunch with the birthday crowd at work. She was dreading it, but had a pretty good time, and the others were friendlier than she expected. In the fourth week she had a setback, stocked up on junk food, only managed one decent dinner, and didn’t do anything else on her list.
In the fifth week Audrey started to get back on track. She wrote three drafts of her online dating profile and placed calls to Margie and Joan, her old high school friends who still lived in her hometown. They got back to her the next week, and she had coffee with Margie once and with both of them a week later. It was fun catching up with them. When she told them about the loss of her job and relationship in Seattle, they treated it like a wild adventure and a sad disappointment, not a failure.
By the end of the ten weeks, Audrey had made a friend at work, gone kayaking, posted and reposted her online dating profile, cleaned up her diet once more, and was looking forward to her first meeting with a guy from the dating site. Her painful thoughts and feelings still came up as barriers, but she was getting used to setting them aside or pushing past them to act on the values that were important to her.
Another way to think about putting your values into action is the “bus metaphor,” a favorite of Steve Hayes, the father of acceptance and commitment therapy. According to this metaphor, you are driving a bus called Your Life. On the front of the bus is a sign saying where you are headed. The sign is an important value, like “Keeping Promises” or “Being Compassionate.” However, as soon as you turn the bus into the direction of your values, barriers pop up in front of you like monsters. These monsters are your painful feelings of low self-esteem, fear, depression, anger, and so on. You can’t run over the monsters or go around them. You stop the bus and wait for them to go away, but they never do. The bus of your life is stalled by the side of the road.
The secret to acting on your values is to let the monsters on the bus. Invite them aboard, give them seats, and take them along for the ride. They will continue to heckle you from the back of the bus, telling you that the way you’re going is too dangerous, stupid, difficult, pointless, and so on. That’s what monsters do. That’s their job. Your job is to let them yammer away while you continue to drive the bus in your chosen direction.
Action Plan Exercise
If you keep the ten-week log and are having a lot of trouble putting your values into action, try this exercise. Pick the easiest, least threatening domain on your list. On a separate sheet of paper, write out the statement below, filling in your value, the painful emotions that arise as a barrier to that value, the benefit of acting on your value, and three concrete steps you can take. (You can also download the form that appears below from http://www.newharbinger.com/33933.) Sign the statement and consider it a binding contract with yourself.
In service to my value of
I am willing to feel
So that I can
In these steps:
1.
2.
3.
Signature:
Here is an example of an action plan created by Craig, a student who wanted to get rid of his obnoxious roommate Jason:
In service to my value of honesty and self-respect
I am willing to feel scared, nervous
So that I can confront Jason and tell him he needs to move out
In these steps:
1. Get up early Thursday to catch him before class
2. Refuse to be distracted by his “issues”
3. Say, “You were supposed to be out of here a month ago. You have to leave by the end of this month.”
Signature: Craig Johnson
You can use this action plan format whenever the monsters on the bus get very vocal, whenever you find yourself being deflected away from your valued direction by feelings of shame, doubt, depression, or anxiety. If you practice the steps in this chapter—identifying your values, keeping a ten-week log, and planning committed action—you will go a long way toward raising your self-esteem and living the life you want to live.