The fundamental building blocks of self-esteem are your core beliefs: your basic assumptions about your value in the world. Core beliefs determine to what degree you see yourself as worthy, safe, competent, powerful, autonomous, and loved. They also establish your sense of belonging and a basic picture of how you are treated by others.
Negative core beliefs formulate the rules you use daily that say, “Because I am stupid, I should not talk in meetings,” or “I can never drive a stick-shift because I’m so incompetent.” Positive core beliefs affirm that you can master algebra because you are smart and capable of learning or that you can ask for a raise because you are worth it.
Your inner monologue is profoundly affected by your core beliefs (“Don’t try to fix that plug—you’ll probably electrocute yourself!”). Your inner monologue, in turn, serves to strengthen and reinforce your core beliefs. When you tell yourself constantly that you’re stupid, you convince yourself that this is true. By the same token, if your self-statements reflect a basic faith in your intelligence, this core belief will be confirmed and solidified.
Core beliefs are the very foundation of your self-esteem: they largely dictate what you can and cannot do (expressed as your rules) and how you interpret events in your world (expressed as your inner monologue).
Core beliefs are frequently distorted by early trauma and deprivation. In response to hurt or rejection, you may have come to see yourself as flawed or unworthy. Because no one mirrored back your value, now you may simply fail to see it.
Changing your core beliefs requires time and effort, and yet changing them will fundamentally alter your view of yourself and your environment. Shifting negative core beliefs in a more realistic direction is like replacing a funhouse mirror with a nondistorting one. Instead of looking like a three-foot geek, you see yourself as normally and properly proportioned.
Help for identifying, testing, and modifying negative core beliefs can be found in our book Prisoners of Belief (McKay and Fanning 1991). If you are in crisis, a victim of child abuse, or lack self-motivation, seek the guidance of a mental health professional to assist you in putting these techniques to work.
Becoming aware of negative core beliefs is the first step toward changing them. Like the studs and floor joists of a house, core beliefs aren’t readily apparent, but everything else rests upon them. If you feel stupid, incompetent, ugly, like a failure, or bad much of the time, you may not be immediately aware of the beliefs creating these feelings. But a great deal of what you do, what you think, and what you feel will be a direct consequence of beliefs whose hidden influence touches every quadrant of your life.
To heighten your awareness of your core beliefs, you need to start keeping a monologue diary. Such a diary gives you the opportunity to record your inner monologue—your self-statements—at times when you’re feeling upset, angry, depressed, guilty, and so on.
This may not be easy at first. It can be very difficult to catch yourself in the act of thinking negative thoughts. Such thoughts can be so ingrained that you must make a particular effort just to sort them out from the other “background noise” in your life. Many people have trouble, too, differentiating thoughts from feelings. As you’ll see in the example later in this section, feelings can usually be summarized in one or two words (“incompetent,” “inadequate,” “defeated”), whereas thoughts are more complicated, like fragments of overheard dialogue. Taken together, your thoughts comprise your own inner monologue. They serve to reinforce and confirm your basic core beliefs.
Keep a monologue diary using the format shown in this section (available for download, as well, at the website for this book) for one week. Use it to uncover your core beliefs by identifying situations in which your self-esteem was particularly low (you felt boring, unattractive, worthless, bad, a failure, stupid, incompetent, deeply flawed, and so on). Carry the diary around with you so that you can record these situations, thoughts, and feelings as close as possible to the time they occur, when everything is still fresh in your mind.
Monologue Diary: Example
George is a divorced father, a toolmaker by trade.
Start Date: Friday, October 2
End Date: Thursday, October 8
Monologue Diary
Start Date:
End Date:
| Situation | Self-Statements | Feeling |
|---|---|---|
Again, the blank monologue diary is available for download at http://www.newharbinger.com/33933. Print at least fifteen copies before you begin. Alternatively, label three columns in a notebook. You can use the same notebook for subsequent exercises—outlined in this chapter. Note the date you start and finish—make sure that you keep your diary for an entire week.
Whenever you can’t remember pieces from your inner monologue, use visualization to recall the specific details of a situation (see chapter 14). Visualization will stimulate your memory and help render an accurate account of your feelings and self-statements.
After you’ve recorded your self-talk for one week, you can analyze it to uncover the core beliefs that may be fueling much of it. You can do this by using the techniques of laddering and theme analysis.
Laddering reveals core beliefs through questioning statements in your monologue diary. The questions provide a way to search systematically for the beliefs that underpin your self-statements.
To use laddering, first select a statement from your inner monologue (such as the example from George: “What a chump!”). Using a blank sheet of paper, write a question that carries this statement to its logical extreme. Then follow this with another question that analyzes your answer to the first question in terms of its personal meaning for you. For the first question, use the format: “What if ?” The second question should be stated as: “What does that mean to me?”
Now begin the process of answering the questions, finishing up each round with a repetition of “What does that mean to me?” Like the rungs of a ladder, this process of repetition will lead you downward into the depths of the core beliefs underlying each self-statement. Here’s how the process worked for George:
George was able to stop here: he’d reached the core belief underlying his overheard thought, “What a chump!”
Avoid answering your questions in the laddering process with feelings (“it means I’ll feel scared and overwhelmed”), because it leads nowhere, and doesn’t tap into your beliefs. Confine your answers instead to statements that express conclusions, assumptions, and beliefs.
The other technique for revealing core beliefs is theme analysis. This process involves searching for a theme that repeats itself during many of your problematic situations. George saw incompetence or stupidity as a theme in many of the situations that made him feel uncomfortable (cracked die…son hurt…being chewed out by boss).
Susie, a part-time nurse, read over her list of problematic situations that triggered anxiety or depression:
When Susie read this list, she recognized a basic belief that she is powerless, that she is incapable of solving problems, getting her needs met, and successfully handling a challenge.
Her corresponding self-talk confirmed this core belief of being powerless, weak (“just a woman…it’ll be wrong…he’ll never listen to you…it’s like shouting in the wind”).
You can uncover core beliefs by analyzing your diary in this manner. Search for themes pervading problematic situations and write them down.
The following exercise will help you identify the unspoken rules you’ve developed to keep your feelings and behavior in line with your core beliefs. If you uncovered more than one core belief in the last exercise, focus on the one that seems to have the most negative impact on your self-esteem. For instance, does this belief make you think you’re a failure, unattractive, incompetent, unworthy? It’s time to work on changing this belief.
Unfortunately, a core belief is so subjective that you cannot test it directly. But you can test the rules derived from it. Flowing from each core belief is a blueprint for how to live your life, how to avoid pain and catastrophe. For example, if you believe that you’re a failure, your rules might include the following: Never try anything hard. Never ask questions. Never expect to get ahead. Never try out for sport teams. Never quit a job. Never challenge another’s opinion. If you believe that you are unworthy, rules for living might include the following: Never ask for anything. Always work extra hard. Never say no to anything. Always strive to be perfect. Never admit a fault or mistake. Never initiate contact with someone you find attractive.
You can identify the rules derived from a particular core belief by completing this exercise.
Exercise
Step 1: Write your core belief at the top of a page.
Step 2: Read the Basic Rules Checklist below. For each item on the checklist, ask yourself: “If my core belief is true, what are my rules for this situation? What must I do or not do?” Be honest. Ask yourself, “What things do I do to cope with this belief? In what ways do I protect myself from pain and catastrophe in this situation? What feelings or behaviors do I avoid? How am I supposed to act? What are my limits?” Your answers define your basic rules for living. Write them down off the top of your head, without censoring yourself. You might want to make extra copies of the blank checklist, which you can download at http://www.newharbinger.com/33933, so that you can use it to explore several core beliefs.
Basic Rules Checklist
(Adapted from Prisoners of Belief, by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning, New Harbinger Publications, Inc.; 1991.)
Susie, the nurse, discovered her own rules for living, using the Basic Rules Checklist as a guide:
When Susie finished her list of rules, she went on to list the catastrophic predictions that enforced each one:
| Rule | Catastrophic Predictions |
|---|---|
|
Agree with Phil. |
He’ll walk out and leave me. |
|
She’ll turn away, reject me, maybe run away. |
|
|
Don’t rock the boat on the unit. |
I’ll be labeled a troublemaker; they’ll cut my hours. |
|
Don’t report incompetence. |
They’ll fire me. Doctor will be angry. |
|
Don’t confront Julie’s teacher. |
She’ll take it out on Julie. |
|
Don’t ask for help. |
They’ll be resentful and rejecting. |
|
Don’t make decisions. |
I’ll do the wrong thing, make it worse. |
|
Don’t try to initiate sex. |
I’ll be humiliated; Phil will reject me. |
All of your rules are supported by a belief that something awful will happen if you break the rules. These catastrophic predictions make it very frightening to challenge your rules. These predictions grew logically during times of dependency and danger—during childhood or during an abusive relationship, for instance. But they may no longer be legitimate assumptions. They need to be tested for their current validity, and if they are no longer valid, more objective, positive rules and beliefs can be formed.
After listing your catastrophic predictions under each rule, follow these five guidelines for selecting a rule to test. We use Susie again as an example.
The following guidelines will help you design the best situation for testing whichever rule you’ve chosen to scrutinize.
Write the answers in your log, along with other things you notice. For instance, how did the other person look during the test? What exactly was said? What did the other person’s body language tell you?
Susie repeatedly tested her rule “To keep peace, agree with Phil when he gets angry.” She discovered that Phil continued to overwhelm her with his firm opinions, but not as drastically as she had supposed. (He left the house for an hour during the first test, but the abandonment she anticipated never happened.) She also began testing the rule “Don’t ask for help from Phil or Julie.” They seemed irritated and resistant at times, but Susie’s catastrophic prediction never came true. She also found that, about three-quarters of the time, she got what she asked for.
As Susie explored the validity of her rules to a greater extent, her tests became both more spontaneous and more risky. She scripted situations that confronted Phil’s anger more often. As her self-esteem improved, she revised her core belief rules relentlessly.
Keep testing your rules. You’ll experience setbacks along the way, but your prediction log will show you an objective, measured view of the risks involved when you break your rules. Having this measured viewpoint to counter your fears will help keep you on track.
After you have challenged enough rules and recorded your results in the prediction log, it’s time to rewrite the core belief you’ve been testing. Note anything that has turned out to be completely false, and include “balancing realities”—things you’ve learned about yourself that shift or soften the old negative belief. If a belief remains largely true, note exceptions.
Remember George? He believed that he was stupid and incompetent. He blamed his own inattention for his son’s bike accident. George’s rule had been “Don’t take Billy places because you can’t watch him well enough. He’ll get lost or hurt.” Because George and Billy’s mom were divorced, this rule meant that George chanced little contact with Billy. This was having a devastating effect on their relationship. After George began testing the rule with more adventurous outings, he was able to rewrite his core belief. “If I’m careful, I can be a responsible father. I do okay taking care of Billy. In fifteen Saturdays, he’s had a few normal problems. But I’ve never lost him, and nothing really bad has ever happened.”
Susie rewrote one of her core beliefs also. “I am capable of solving problems and making decisions, and I am able to state my needs—particularly with regard to Phil and Julie. Some really big challenges (such as dealing with serious problems at the hospital) remain scary, but I’m more and more able to deal with anger (especially Phil’s) and conflicts.”
Use these examples to follow the same steps used by Susie and George to modify a deeply held core belief. Your series of tests and trials may take several weeks—but be patient. The results will be well worth the effort.
Now that you’ve modified an old core belief, you need to change some of the rules that grew from it. Put your new rules in the form of affirmations about yourself. Write them in the first person (“I can deal with conflict” instead of “You can deal with conflict”). Keep your affirmations short, positive, and simple. And be sure to put them in the present tense (“I make good decisions” rather than “I will make good decisions”).
These affirmations—your new rules—may feel uncomfortable at first; that’s perfectly understandable, since they run counter to some long-held views of yourself and the world. But if you use them, if you keep reminding yourself of your new beliefs, these affirmations will support and strengthen the changes you are making.
Here’s how Susie’s old rules compared with her new affirmations:
| Old Rules | New Rules |
|---|---|
|
1. Agree with Phil. |
1. I can deal with conflict. |
|
2. Don’t push Julie. |
2. I expect Julie to do the reasonable things I ask of her. |
|
3. Don’t rock the boat on the unit. |
3. I speak up about things that are important. |
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4. Don’t report incompetence. |
4. I take risks for what’s right. |
|
5. Don’t confront Julie’s teacher. |
5. I speak up about things that are important. |
|
6. Don’t ask for help. |
6. I can ask for what I need. |
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7. Don’t make decisions. |
7. I have good judgment. |
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8. I can initiate sex when I want to. |
As you write your new rules, they may seem to belong to a new person, a more positive person than you’ve always imagined yourself to be. It’s true that working on your core beliefs changes you dramatically. For this reason, you may feel mistrustful of your new rules. One technique that can help you confirm your new rules is an evidence log. Like the prediction log described earlier, the evidence log is a tool that will help you believe in the validity of the changes you’re making. All it requires is some blank pages in a notebook and some careful observation on your part. The confirmation provided by the evidence log will strengthen your confidence in your new beliefs and rules.
Use your evidence log to record interactions, events, or conversations that support and confirm your new rules and beliefs. On the left side of a page, write Date, then a heading that says, What Happened. On the right side, write another heading that says, What It Means. (You can also use the form available at the website for this book.)
For example, here’s Susie’s entry in her evidence log for her new core belief, “I am a strong woman with some weaknesses.”
| Date | What Happened | What It Means |
|---|---|---|
|
10/8 |
Made the major decisions on the kitchen remodel. |
Scared but confident. Never had done anything on my own like that before! I can work with contractors, develop plans, and stick to a budget. I’ve done a really good job. |
|
Reported anesthesiologist who was drunk during surgery |
I worry I will lose my job, but I am doing what is right: protecting my patient. |
|
|
10/15 |
Asked for help with a difficult patient. |
I can get more support from my coworkers. I feel more confident that they’ll help without resenting me. |
Strengthen your new core belief by testing its rules and recording your outcomes in your evidence log. Persist in confirming your new rules, but at first set safe parameters around the situations in which you test them. For example, test your rules with the cooperation of a supportive friend, in low-risk environments (not at work), or in places and situations in which you feel perfectly safe. Later, as your confidence and self-esteem grow stronger, you can widen the parameters of your tests to include less safe or supportive arenas for action.
When you have strongly activated one new core belief, start on revising another one. Follow the steps outlined in this chapter, then challenge and test its rules. Revising your core beliefs will contribute greatly to increasing your self-esteem.