The inability to ask others for what you want is a classic symptom of low self-esteem. It stems from your basic feeling of unworthiness. You feel that you don’t deserve to get what you want. Your wants don’t seem legitimate or important. Other people’s wants seem much more valid and pressing than your own. You go around asking other people what they want and trying to get it for them.
You may be so afraid of rejection or so out of touch with your needs that you aren’t even aware of what you want. You c an’t afford the risk of consciously wanting something from others.
For example, you may fantasize about a certain kind of lovemaking that particularly appeals to you, but never experience it because you never ask for it. In fact, you never even consciously admit to yourself that you want it. It’s “just a fantasy.” You don’t acknowledge your want because if you did, you might actually ask for it. And if you asked for it, you might be rejected as “too kinky.” Or your sexual partner might take your request as an implication that you find your sex life together inadequate.
This chapter will list and explain your legitimate needs, discuss the relationship between needs and wants, teach you how to raise your awareness of your wants, provide exercises to analyze and precisely define what you want, and give training and practice in asking for what you want.
What follows is a list of legitimate needs—the environmental conditions, activities, and experiences important for physical and psychological health. The purpose of this list is to stimulate your thinking about the importance and variety of human needs. You may think that some of the needs don’t apply to you, that some of them are redundant, that there are needs omitted, or that the list is not categorized properly. That’s fine. In fact, feel free to add to, subtract from, combine, and reorganize the needs on this list. Doing so will be an excellent way to begin thinking about your own personal needs.
The difference between needs and wants is one of degree. At one end of the spectrum are life-and-death needs, like the need for food and water. If these needs aren’t met, you will literally perish. At the other end of the spectrum are the most minor and whimsical wants. These are luxury items that contribute to your comfort, but are not essential to your survival. You may have a craving for pistachio ice cream with caramel sauce, but you won’t die if you don’t get it.
Somewhere in the middle of the spectrum is the dividing line between needs and wants. It is in this middle ground that people with low self-esteem get into trouble.
If you have low self-esteem, it’s hard enough for you to pursue survival needs. But your less vital needs and wants seem unimportant, particularly if they conflict with someone else’s. Moreover, you tend to identify essential needs as mere wants and neglect to satisfy them. You think that you’re being stoic and forgoing comfort for the sake of others; but actually you’re an unwitting martyr to your low self-esteem. You’re not merely uncomfortable; you’re surrendering important emotional, social, intellectual, or spiritual needs for fear of hurting or offending someone.
For example, you might stay home every night instead of enrolling in night school because you think that your absence in the evenings would be a hardship on your family. Although you’d really like to get a degree, you don’t feel that you deserve to take so much time and energy away from your family. So you never ask. And you feel an increasing sense of entropy and stagnation. The fact is that you have a strong, genuine, and legitimate need to learn, change, and grow. You are stifling yourself and causing yourself real suffering by incorrectly labeling your genuine need as an unnecessary indulgence.
The dividing line between a need and a want varies within each person. Sometimes you absolutely need to talk to someone about a perplexing personal problem, while at other times the same problem seems less pressing, something you merely want to solve, but can postpone working on till later.
Likewise, you may have lower “need thresholds” in some areas than you have in others. For example, you may have very strong emotional needs, but relatively weak intellectual ones. You may feel compelled to get close to people in a large, nurturing circle of relatives and friends, but have very modest ambitions where your job is concerned. Or vice versa.
You are the only one who can judge the relative strength of your needs and wants. If you feel that something you want is important for you, then it is important, and you have a right to ask for it. It doesn’t matter if everyone else in the world thinks that what you want is a mere luxury item. For you, it’s a critical need, and you’re not going to be happy until you ask for and get it.
For the purpose of this chapter and the purpose of raising your self-esteem, from here on we will refer to all needs and wants as “wants” and assume that they are all important and legitimate. If you find yourself saying, “Well, I’d really like to have this, but I don’t really need it,” remind yourself of two things: (1) you have a right to ask regardless of whether you need or merely want something, and (2) as a sufferer of low self-esteem, you might not know an intense need if it bit you.
Wants Inventory
This inventory is designed to raise your awareness of your wants. Complete the following questionnaire (also available for download at http://www.newharbinger.com/33933). In column A, put a checkmark next to the items that are applicable to you. In column B, rate the items you have checked from 1 to 3, as:
Evaluation. Look over your inventory and notice the sorts of things you want most, the people from whom you want them, and in what situations your needs are most acute. You will probably notice patterns—certain needs that you never ask anybody for, certain people from whom you can’t ask the simplest favor, or problematic situations in which your self-esteem and assertiveness desert you entirely.
The most important skill in asking for what you want is formulating an assertive request. If asking for things is hard for you, it’s wiser to prepare your request in advance, rather than to say what comes to mind spontaneously. Preparing an assertive request first involves getting the facts and then distilling them into a clear statement of your wants. Here are the facts you need:
Write down the name of the person who can give you what you want. If there are several people from whom you want the same thing, write out separate requests for each of them.
Spell out what you want the other person to do. Stay away from abstractions like “show respect” or “be honest.” Don’t ask for a change of attitude or level of interest. Instead, specify exact behavior: “I want to have an equal vote in choosing a daycare provider,” or “I want Joe to tell me the real reason he keeps postponing our wedding and where he gets all the money he throws around.”
Indicate the deadline for getting what you want, the exact time of day you want someone to do something, or the frequency with which you want something—any aspect of time that will help narrow down and refine your request. For example, you might want help cleaning the house every week. Be specific and write, “Every Saturday morning right after breakfast.”
Write down the places where you want something—any aspect of location that will serve to precisely define what you want. If you want to be left alone when you are in your den, specify that place as your special place to be alone.
Specify any other people who have to do with your request. For example, if you want your husband to stop teasing you about your forgetfulness in front of his relatives, spell out all the relatives’ names.
This outline is designed to help you specify exactly what it is you are requesting—the desired behavior, the time, the place, and the situation. When you clarify these facts in advance, your request will be so specific that negotiation will be easier and arguments less likely.
Holly had hoped that Al would help edit her article on pain management. Occasionally after dinner she would vaguely mention some of the problems she was having organizing the material. Al would listen while browsing the movie lists on Netflix. He consistently failed to pick up on her hints. Here is Holly’s outline of the facts regarding her request:
Randy prepared his request to deal with his brother’s caustic sense of humor. Jim had a tendency to make fun of Randy’s clothes, his job, his shyness with women, and so on. This was a particular problem during family gatherings when their dad was present. Here is Randy’s fact outline:
Now it’s time to make your own request outline. From your wants inventory, choose three things that you want from three different people. Be sure to choose items that you rated only mildly or moderately uncomfortable. Tougher, more anxiety-provoking confrontations on your list should be dealt with later. For each want, fill in the facts for your request outline:
A downloadable form for this is available online at http://www.newharbinger.com/33933.
Now it’s time to prepare assertive requests that condense the basic facts in your three outlines into a brief statement about your wants. Holly’s assertive request turned out like this:
Al, I really need some help from you to edit my pain control article. I’d like to go over the content and organization with you on a page-by-page basis. Could we get together after dinner Thursday for a three-hour editing session in the study? And if we don’t finish, polish if off Saturday morning?
Randy’s assertive request took this form:
Jim, I’d really appreciate it if you could go easy on the jokes about my clothes and social life and such. It’s particularly hard for me when we’re with Dad at family dinners. It would feel better if we could really talk a bit—about how we’re doing and what’s been going on lately for each of us.
Notice how specific Holly’s and Randy’s requests are. Every important fact in their request outlines has been included. There’s no guesswork, no uncertainty for the other party. Because their wants are clear, there is a much greater chance for compliance or working out a compromise. Write your own assertive requests before going on to the next section.
Often it isn’t enough just to say what you want. People need to know more of the background for your request. They need to know your perspective or understanding of the problem. It may also be helpful for them to know your feelings—how the situation or problem has affected you emotionally. When you offer your thoughts (how you perceive the situation), your feelings, and your want statement, you are communicating your “whole message.”
Whole messages promote intimacy and mutual acceptance. People are less likely to ignore your wants when they are aware of your feelings and perspective on a situation. It’s rather abrupt and possibly quite irritating to say to a friend, “I want to get out of here.” It’s better to deliver a whole message like this: “The party’s packed wall-to-wall. I feel kind of claustrophobic. Mind if we leave?” This will get a much more sympathetic response.
When you leave your experience of a situation or your feelings out of a request, people may feel pressured to do something, but they won’t know why. They’re more likely to argue or use anger to push you and your wants away. That’s why it’s important, particularly in close relationships, to let people know where your wants are coming from—to give them a window on your full experience of a situation.
Your thoughts are your perceptions, your understanding of a situation. You explain your experience of what is happening and how you interpret it. Holly and Randy provide examples of how thoughts give background to requests.
Holly’s thoughts: When you browse for movies while I’m asking your advice, I wonder if you’re really interested in helping me or whether it’s too big a hassle.
Randy’s thoughts: In your jokes I always end up seeming very stupid. And I imagine that’s what you think of me.
Feelings help the listener have empathy for your experience in a situation. The best way to express your feelings is in the form of “I messages.” In “I messages” you take responsibility for your emotions. You say:
This is in contrast to “you messages,” which are accusatory and pejorative and dump all responsibility for your feelings on the other person:
Notice that “you messages” tend to make people defensive and hostile, while “I messages” are less confrontational and tend to elicit concern.
Holly expressed her feelings toward Al like this: “I feel hurt when you don’t seem interested.” Randy’s feelings toward his brother took this form: “I feel embarrassed in front of Dad and a little angry.”
Whole messages are very compelling. It’s time to generate whole messages of your own to complete your three assertive requests. The format is very simple:
Here is Holly’s whole message:
When you browse for movies while I’m asking your advice on the article, I wonder if you’re really interested in helping me. Then I feel hurt. I really need your help with the editing. I’d like to go over the content and organization with you on a page-by-page basis. Could we get together after dinner Thursday for a three-hour editing session in the study? And if we don’t finish, polish it off Saturday morning?
Here is Randy’s whole message:
When you kid me about my clothes or my dates at family dinners, your jokes make me sound pretty stupid. And I imagine that’s what you really think of me. I feel embarrassed in front of Dad and a little angry. I’d really appreciate it if you’d go easy on the jokes. It would feel better if we could talk about how we’re doing and what’s been going on lately for each of us.
Here are some more examples of wants expressed in the form of whole messages:
I think I do more than my share of the work around here. I feel resentful when I’m working and you’re reading the paper or watching TV. I want you to help me with setting the table and doing the dishes after meals.
I think George and I have a lot in common. I enjoy being out with him, and I’m getting to like him a lot. I want to invite him to dinner next week and have you help me make some lasagna.
I don’t think your cousin is a very good mechanic. I feel obligated to take my car to him because he’s family, but I get really pissed off when he can’t fix things right the first time. The clutch is slipping again, and this time I want to take it to the shop downtown.
I think Casablanca is Bogart’s best movie. I’ve always been attracted to his bittersweet, impossible love for Bergman. Let’s go see it tonight.
When I tell you how hard my day was with the baby, you usually tell me that you had just as hard a day at work. Then sometimes I start to feel like you didn’t hear me. I feel a little angry because I don’t get to really tell you what’s going on. When I complain about my day, it would feel really good if you heard me out for a while and then let me know that you understand how tough it is sometimes.
The case you’re giving me is important, but I have three cases on my desk that are ready to go to trial. Frankly, I feel overwhelmed. I’m stressed to the limit. Can you possibly assign this to somebody else?
Work on your three requests until they are as clear, direct, and uncritical as possible. Then try them out on the people who can give you what you want. To help you in perfecting your requests, here are some rules for asking.
You could also mention the negative consequences of denying your request, but the positive approach works better. As the old adage has it, you’re likely to catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
When you have perfected your requests and practiced them in the mirror, go ahead and make them in real life. Taking that step will not be easy, but it will be very rewarding. Start with the least threatening person first. After you have made your prepared requests, go back to your list and prepare some others, still saving the most discomforting confrontations for last.
This is one area in which practice does make perfect and success builds upon success. As you work through your list of wants, you will soon find that you don’t have to argue with yourself so much about whether a particular desire is reasonable or legitimate. You will need to spend less time rehearsing your requests. You will begin to see what you want more clearly and to ask for it spontaneously and directly.
You’ll be surprised at how often people will simply say yes to a clear, nonjudgmental request. You will reap double benefits by getting what you want and gaining more self-confidence as well.