You want the best for your kids. You want them to be good people, successful, happy, and capable in the world. You want them to be able to make friends, use their talents, and make the world work for them.
Helping your children grow up with strong self-esteem is the most important task of parenthood. A child with good self-esteem has the best chance of being a happy and successful adult. Self-esteem is the armor that protects kids from the dragons of life: drugs, alcohol, unhealthy relationships, and delinquency.
No matter who you are, your parents (or the people who raised you) remain the most important people in your life. That’s because they exert the strongest influence on how you feel about yourself. Your own struggle to achieve good self-esteem has shown you how many of the condemning, judging voices you carry inside are the voices you heard in childhood. The fears, limits, and feelings of helplessness you struggle with today have been with you from your earliest years.
It is your parents who led you to see yourself as competent or incompetent, stupid or smart, effective or helpless, worthless or lovable. And it is your parents whom you wanted to please. The need for their approval is so strong that the drive for parental acceptance may continue long after they are dead.
Try to remember what you wanted from your own parents. Did you want their forgiveness, recognition, admiration? What would it mean to you today to have your parents appreciate what you really are: your limits, your special abilities, your dreams?
Maybe you will never get this appreciation from your parents, and you will have to learn to give to yourself the gift of acceptance. But you can give this gift to your children. When you give them the gift of acceptance, when you really see, value, and appreciate them, you provide your children a psychological armor that will protect them for a lifetime.
You are the whole world to a baby—the source of all comfort and security, the banisher of fears and pain. Every waking hour he learns about himself from you. You are the mirror that shows this new person who he is.
From your smile a baby learns that he is delightful; from your touch a baby learns that he is safe. From your responsiveness to his crying, a baby learns that he is effective and important. These are the first lessons about his worth and the building blocks of self-esteem.
Babies who are not comforted, who are not held, spoken to, rocked, and loved, learn other lessons about their worth. They learn that their cries of distress don’t bring relief. They learn helplessness. They learn that they are not important. These are the first lessons in poor self-esteem.
As they grow older, children will have other mirrors that show them who they are. Teachers, friends, and sitters will all perform this role, but a child will return to the reflection in the mirror that his parents held for this sense of goodness, importance, and basic worth.
Providing a positive mirror for your children does not mean that you approve of everything that they do or that you let them run the family. There is a way to raise socialized, reasonable children with strong self-esteem. It requires that you look at your child, look at yourself, and look at your patterns of communication.
It’s not easy to really see your child. Your vision is clouded by your hopes and fears. Your son might remind you of yourself or your mate or another child. You have opinions about how your daughter ought to be and how you hope she will be. It’s a challenge, but when you are able to see your child accurately, you will be rewarded with a relationship that is more enjoyable, with more reasonable expectations and less conflict. And you will be contributing to your child’s development of good self-esteem.
Accurately seeing your children builds self-esteem in four ways.
First, you are able to recognize their unique abilities and talents—to reinforce them, nurture them, and help them recognize what is special about themselves.
Second, you are able to understand their behavior in the context of who they are—you don’t misinterpret a natural shyness as being unfriendly, or a need for privacy as rejection. Seen in context, even negative behavior is more understandable and predictable.
Third, seeing your children accurately helps you focus on changing only the behavior that is important to change—behavior that’s harmful to them, behavior that isolates them socially, or behavior that is disruptive to the family.
Fourth, children who feel that they are really seen and understood by their parents can afford to be authentic. Such children don’t have to hide parts of themselves because they fear being rejected. If you can accept all of your child, the good and the bad, your child can accept himself. This is the cornerstone of good self-esteem.
Exercise: Who Is Your Child?
This exercise will help you look at your child and make sense of what you discover.
Write as detailed a description as you can and add to it during the week. You will find yourself thinking about your child and looking at him more carefully than you have since his birth. You might discover qualities that you never noticed or revise a previously held opinion. One parent discovered that she still saw her sixteen-year-old son as “an absent-minded, head-in-the-clouds” type. When he was twelve, he was always leaving the door open when he went out of the house. He would always forget his lunch on the bus, his jacket at the playground, or would turn in the wrong assignments at school. When she wrote her descriptive letter, she realized how much he had changed. He was responsible at home, got decent grades at school, had an after-school job, and paid for his own car. He was hardly the “absent-minded space case” that he had been at twelve.
To add to your description, check in with other people who know your child—teachers, friends, or friends’ parents. You might be surprised (and delighted) by some quality that others notice that you never see at home. They might describe your daughter as a real leader or a team worker. They might describe her as someone who is helpful, sensitive, or funny. Make this description a treasure hunt of her talents. Look for the seeds of potential. Be honest about her limits, annoying habits, and sources of conflict.
This is a partial list written about Jane, a twelve-year-old gymnast, who is popular with her friends.
| Positive Qualities | Negative Qualities |
|---|---|
|
Funny Creative Determined Artistic—drawing, clay, dress Outgoing—social Very coordinated—good at sports |
Overactive—can’t sit still Easily Frustrated Poor math skills Fights with sister Sloppy, forgetful Very easily influenced by friends Deals poorly with changes in plans |
First, look at the list of positive qualities and pick out two or three items that you want to reinforce right away. Make sure that these qualities are really strengths or abilities or areas of special talent that are already present in your child—not something that you wish were true for him. Every time that you reinforce this behavior (by praising, rewarding, or recognizing it) you make it more likely that your child will want to do it again. Reinforcing real positive qualities is an important strategy in building self-esteem.
Here are three things you can do to reinforce positive qualities.
These three steps will reinforce positive behavior. Your child will learn to value these talents and see himself as capable and special in these areas. Even when your child is struggling in other areas, he can still feel okay, since he is extra good at something else.
After reinforcing these behaviors for two weeks, come back to the list and find two or three other items and reinforce them as well. Soon you will get used to finding the special positive qualities in your child’s everyday life. Because you see your child in a positive way, your child will start to see himself that way too. The internalized parental voices—the voices that nurture or destroy self-esteem—will be warm with praise and appreciation. And your child will develop the ability to nurture his own self-esteem.
Every action your children make is an attempt to meet their needs. This is true whether or not the behavior is successful at meeting their needs. This is true whether or not the behavior is acceptable.
A child who picks fights with siblings, shows off in an obnoxious way, baby-talks, or acts regressively needs something! It might be more attention, or less pressure, or more challenge. A son who is defiant might need you to set consistent limits on his behavior—or he might need to make more choices in his life. A daughter who nags or whines might need your exclusive attention for a moment so that she can express what she really wants, and thus feel that you are hearing her. In many cases, if you can determine what need is being expressed, you can help your child meet the need in a more appropriate way.
Try this exercise. For every item on the negative list, ask yourself these three questions:
One parent described his daughter as “stubborn and inflexible, willful and bossy.” First he looked for a need that was being expressed by this behavior. He saw that his daughter had a great need to control what happened to her. Instead of seeing her with the negative label “stubborn and inflexible,” the parent reframed her behavior in a positive way. He saw a determined and independent child who had a strong opinion about how things ought to be. After giving it some thought, he decided on three strategies to help his child express independence as well as meet her need for control.
Of course things won’t always go her way just because she’s determined, and at times she will have to go along with others even if she is independent. But disappointments and frustrations are easier to accept when children feel that their parents know and accept who they are and that their efforts and difficulties are being recognized.
Jamie’s parents observed that she had a hard time settling down to do her homework or to practice the piano. She was always fidgeting, drumming, fighting with her sister, or finding any excuse at all to get up and move around.
What need was being expressed? Jamie had lots of physical and nervous energy. It was enormously hard for her to “just sit still.” By the end of the school day she needed to run around. Instead of seeing her energy as a problem, her parents realized that it could be an asset if channeled in a positive way. If she had an opportunity to be really active after school, she might be better able to settle down to homework after dinner. Jamie’s parents decided to initiate a number of changes to make sure that she met her needs and used her energy in a positive way. Jamie was encouraged to join an after-school soccer team where her energetic style of play was appreciated, and her success in this sport gave her better self-esteem and confidence. Jamie was allowed frequent breaks while she was doing her homework, since sitting longer than a half hour made her fidget. She actually got more done in less time because she had better concentration after taking a break. Instead of piano lessons, Jamie took drum lessons and on the weekend had a judo class. There she learned discipline and control, while using her energy in another positive way.
Some behaviors should be ignored. Look again at the items on the negative list. Are some of these items really a matter of taste, preference, or personal style? Don’t waste your time or energy in changing these attributes. They are best left alone. No amount of nagging or reminding will make a shy child outgoing or an awkward child graceful. Forget about hairstyles, clothes, taste in music, and so on. Harping on these things won’t produce change. Instead, you are likely to spoil your relationship with your child. Some of the behaviors that annoy you may be related to your child’s age or to the culture he lives in. For instance, eight-year-old boys imitate macho super heroes. Twelve-year-old girls are often “boy crazy.” Teenagers commonly push the limits in their quest for autonomy. Nagging about how your teenager looks or decorates his room creates more conflict and little change. Do set limits to protect your child, and save your sanity, but focus overall on the more important issues.
You might have the feeling that one of your children would have fit in better in a different family. “Where did he come from?” you ask yourself. He is the sensitive artist in a family of athletes, the shy one in a family of social butterflies, or the slow learner in a family of scholars. It’s a real challenge to see your child for what he is and not just for what he is not. If you try to make him “fit the mold,” your child will feel frustrated and unhappy and end up believing that something is wrong with him. If you recognize and value his unique talents, a child who doesn’t fit in can still feel good about himself and have high self-esteem.
Martin was an unathletic child in a family of all-stars. His father was a local football hero and coached the school team. His brother won three school letters for track, baseball, and football. His sister competed in track and swimming. Though Martin was not athletic, he was very talented mechanically and he loved music. When he was young, he would take things apart and try to fix them. He was always asking how something worked. When he was ten, he fixed an old record player and gathered a collection of opera records from garage sales and junk stores. He built his own radio to listen to concerts and over the years taught himself about the great operas and a lot about classical music. But his parents never knew about these accomplishments. His father felt frustrated. He was available to help Martin with batting practice and weight training, but since Martin wasn’t interested in these things, father and son had little contact. Despite his abilities, Martin grew up with poor self-esteem because he felt like a failure in that family. Although his parents didn’t “put him down,” they never really “put him up.” It took many years for him to find himself and find others like himself who valued and encouraged his natural ability.
If your child’s strengths are really different from the family norm, it may be difficult for you to even recognize them. Martin’s dad thought he was “moping around his room instead of getting out in the sun and playing sports.” He also felt inadequate when Martin asked him questions that he couldn’t answer (“How does the radio work?”). He never had a chance to share his knowledge about sports with his son.
If one of your children seems not to fit the family norm, try this exercise. Write a brief description of the “ideal kid,” the one who would fit the family norm more closely. What does this child look like? How does he excel? What are his interests, personality traits, likes and dislikes? List this ideal child’s qualities and compare them to qualities you listed for your real child. Put an A next to the qualities that are alike and a D next to the qualities that are different from the ideal child. (Note that “different” does not mean “negative.” An attribute can still be a positive one even though it is different from your ideal.)
When children are different from the family norm, it is especially important to recognize, reinforce, and acknowledge their differences in a positive way. To not recognize a child’s potential can make him miss an important opportunity for self-esteem and accomplishment.
Nancy’s parents never valued her ice-skating; instead, they thought of it as babyish and self-indulgent, a waste of time and money. Nancy’s ability as a skater won her a scholarship, and she started to compete in local meets. Nancy’s parents never attended the meets and resented the time it took from her academic work. They often threatened to make her quit if she neglected her studies. With her parents’ support and acknowledgment, she could have “been a contender,” but without it she was discouraged and dropped out without ever realizing her potential.
When you are reinforcing the positive qualities in a child who is different, make sure that you include some qualities or talents that are different from the family norm. Tell your child how he is special in his differences. “You’re the one who can fix anything—I’m all thumbs.” “You’re the one in the family who can be really creative. What would we do without you?”
You can also emphasize the ways that he is similar to the family, even if he expresses that quality differently. It will enable him to feel less like an outsider even if he is different. “We are a family of artists—three musicians and one dancer.” “We all like to learn new things—some of us learn better from books, and some from experience.”
Your child might remind you of yourself—either how you are now or how you used to be. If your child has your negative qualities, you might be excessively sensitive to them. As a parent you should be careful not to fall into the trap of focusing on the negative behaviors that are a matter of taste or preference or something that your child has little control over.
Ann was a heavy child. After years of dieting, she has finally managed to keep her weight down, proudly wearing a size seven. When her daughter Heather started getting chubby at eight years old, Ann had a hard time not nagging and reminding her about food at every meal. Ann did take steps to eliminate junk food from the house and provide healthy meals at home, but she realized that Heather would deal with her tendency to gain weight in her own time.
If your children have your positive qualities, you might have a strong reaction when they don’t achieve or apply themselves or accomplish the things that they are capable of. In reinforcing positive qualities in children who are very much like you, include the ways that they are different and the ways that they express similar qualities in a different way.
For example, Clara is smart like her mom and does well in school, but she is more interested in science than history and better at verbal skills than writing skills. These differences should be noticed and reinforced. All children want to be seen as unique and feel that they have permission to grow in their way.
“I never tell my mom anything,” says sixteen-year-old Carla. “She’s hopeless. I come home from school, and she’s usually texting or doing something on her mobile. She asks me how my day was, but I can see she’s not really listening. She says she can listen and text at the same time, but I know that’s a load of crap. Sometimes I’m tempted to tell her that I was kidnapped and stabbed at lunch just to see if she’ll look up from her phone. Sometimes she’ll get up and walk into the kitchen to start dinner right in the middle of our ‘conversation.’ It really turns me off!”
Carla’s mother is not alone. Many well-meaning parents find themselves listening with half an ear. You get home from work, and there are so many things competing for your attention: the other kids, the chores, the phone, the dog. You might just be too tired to be a good listener.
Yet it is essential for the self-esteem of your child that you do find the time to listen, and to listen in a way that communicates your interest and caring. When you stop and listen to someone, you are saying to that person, “You are important. What you say matters to me. You matter to me.”
Fourteen-year-old Suzie tells her mom about the day at school. She’s very excited and talking a mile a minute. “I was late for my second period class because I forgot my math book in art class. So the teacher told me I’d have to make up the quiz during lunch period, which was really a drag because that meant that I wouldn’t be able to find Kim, who owed me lots of money. Now I was stuck without lunch money or a lunch period. So I decided to go back to the gym to try to find the jacket I left there yesterday, and I saw this guy practicing free throws all alone on the basketball court. I sat and watched him for a while, and he seemed to like having an audience. So I stayed. After a while we started talking, and I told him how bummed out I was about missing lunch and losing my jacket. Anyway, he had a coke, and he shared it with me. He’s rad; I hope he liked me.”
Listening to the story, Suzie’s mom might easily miss the point. She might be dismayed at Suzie’s forgetfulness (forgotten math book, lost jacket!). She might be angry at her missing a quiz. She might be irritated at her missing lunch, lending money to Kim, going hungry, hanging out in the boys’ gym, and the rest. But the point of Suzie’s story is that she met a nice guy. She was excited and wanted to share her excitement with her mom.
If appropriate, after your child has plenty of time to vent, you can help him explore solutions to a problem. If your child is able to come up with his own solution, it will do more for his self-esteem than having you fix it. Besides, this problem may not have a solution, or the solution may be more obvious later, after he is feeling less angry or disappointed.
For a young child, it will often be necessary to help her find the words to describe what she feels. “It sounds as if you are angry because you didn’t get a turn. Angry and sad, is that what you feel?”
It’s very upsetting to hear your child express feelings that you wish were not true. Your son hates his brother or his stepfather, or he is angry with you. Your daughter rebels against what you think she ought to do and rejects what you feel is important. It’s tempting to try to cut your child off when he is expressing any strong negative feelings, but putting a lid on a boiling cauldron of feelings will not make them go away.
Children are often afraid of their own strong feelings. They sometimes become overwhelmed by anger or frustration, jealousy or fear. If their feelings are labeled “bad” or if they are made to repress, deny, or cover up their feelings, the result can be (1) lowered self-esteem (“I must be bad to feel this way”), (2) inauthentic behavior (“I have to put on an act to be acceptable to my parents; if they knew how I felt, they might abandon me”), and (3) losing touch with all feelings—the positive as well as the negative. Joy, excitement, affection, and curiosity will be muted along with anger, jealousy, and fear. Remember that feelings can’t be created on demand or banished when inconvenient. A child whose strong negative feelings are acknowledged and who is given support to express them in an acceptable way can eventually let go of those feelings. He doesn’t have to sulk, hold a grudge, or brood about things. It is only when bad feelings have room for expression that good feelings can be fully enjoyed.
Here are five common reactions that parents have that make children deny their feelings.
Here are some ways you can help your child deal with strong negative feelings.
The most powerful tool you have as a parent to build good self-esteem is the language you use. Every day, in the hundreds of interactions you have with your children, you mirror back to them who they are. Like a sculptor’s tools on soft clay, your words and tone of voice shape their sense of self. For this reason, it is vital that the feedback you give, both praise and correction, is couched in the language of self-esteem.
Feedback that enhances self-esteem has three components.
In the sections that follow, these three components of feedback are applied to the process of praising and correcting your child.
Your approval is what shapes behavior. Pleasing you is what motivates your children to learn everything from language to table manners. When you praise your kids, they get the message that they’re okay and that what they do is acceptable and appreciated.
But using the language of self-esteem in praising children does far more than communicate approval. It gives your children something to take away with them. Your children learn to recognize what is special, what they did that they can take pride in. They can learn to praise themselves and to recognize and value their own efforts and talents.
Consider the case of Joey. He proudly shows his dad a painting that he made in school. His dad is effusive. “What a gorgeous painting. I love it. You’re terrific.” But Joey never learns what his dad likes about the painting. As a result Joey can’t later remember and say to himself what was good about his accomplishment. Using the language of self-esteem, Joey’s dad might have said something like this: “This is terrific. I see a house and a boy in bright flowers (description). I like the colors you chose and those swirling clouds, and I see how carefully you drew the pockets on the boy’s pants (reaction). You must have worked very hard on it (acknowledgment). Let’s hang it up and show Mommy.”
Arlene is waiting for David, her fourteen-year-old, to get home from school. She needs him to babysit so that she can leave for a dental appointment. As David walks in the door, Arlene speaks sharply: “Glad you’re home in time. I was sure you’d forget. I’ve got to go now. Bye.” David can see that his mother is nervous, and he wonders why. He didn’t forget, and he got home on time, so what’s bugging her? If Arlene had remembered to use the language of self-esteem, she would have shared more of her feelings. “Thanks for getting back in time (description). I was so afraid you’d forgotten (reaction). I know you’d rather hang out with your friends after school (acknowledgment). I especially appreciate it today because I have a dental appointment and I always get so nervous (reaction).”
This form of praise enables David to learn something about his mom and himself. Mom was nervous and edgy this morning because of her dental appointment. His success in remembering to get home and the sacrifice of leaving his friends was recognized. He also gets to see himself as a dependable person who comes through as needed.
Be generous with your praise. Find as many opportunities to sincerely praise your children as you can. Praise helps kids see themselves in a most positive way, not just how they are, but how you believe they could be. They get validation for their best selves.
Some parents report they resist praising their children for something good because as soon as they draw attention to what the child did well, she will do the opposite. This phenomenon is due to overpraising. The tension of being overpraised is too much to bear. Your daughter is more comfortable being “herself” than the “best little girl in the world.”
Consider the case of Suzie. Her friend Molly is at Suzie’s house for a playdate. When Molly walks in, Suzie hands her a doll. Suzie’s mom is delighted. “What a generous girl you are! You’re the most generous girl I’ve ever seen. You’re an angel.” This form of praise can make Suzie anxious. Suzie knows she isn’t the most generous girl in the world. Maybe she was feeling generous, or just distracting Molly from a more precious toy, or maybe softening her mother up so she will buy ice cream later. In any case, when Suzie doesn’t share, does that make her the most selfish little girl in the world? If Suzie were praised using the language of self-esteem, it might sound like this: “How nice. I appreciate your letting Molly play with your doll (description, reaction). Sometimes it’s hard to share special toys (acknowledgment).” This kind of praise allows Suzie to feel good about sharing without feeling that her identity is at risk if she doesn’t share.
Nowhere is the careful use of language more important than when correcting a child’s problematic behavior. Children who are spoken to abusively tend to verbally abuse others, including their parents. Children who are given corrections without reasons tend to be less reasonable. Children whose efforts are not recognized resent being “misunderstood.” Children who are not given clear statements of what is expected of them feel defeated and hopeless about doing anything right. It is very difficult for a child to develop a sense of worth when his behavior has inspired anger or annoyance from others.
Parents are teachers as well as mirrors to their children. They need to teach their kids to control impulses, take responsibility, resist pressure, and be considerate of others. This learning process depends on your ability to use the language of self-esteem in all your feedback. If corrections take place in the form of rejection or insult, your child won’t be open to new information or have any desire to do the behavior right. Although your child might “obey,” he will feel resentful, defeated, resistant, and angry.
Giving correction using language of self-esteem allows your children to get the point of correction and change their behavior without having to feel like a bad person. The language used in correcting children is very similar to the language used in praising children. It involves these four steps.
The following examples contrast an attacking feedback style with the language of self-esteem. Each of the five typical angry reactions is followed by examples of how you can change the statement so that you can get your point across clearly and respectfully, without insult, anger, or rejection.
By following the four steps in giving corrections, you’ll often avoid struggles and resistance, and you’ll be demonstrating a style of clear communication to your children. Later, when your children are grown, their internalized parental voices will be more supportive. And when you hear your kids using the language of self-esteem to others, you’ll know they have learned a valuable life skill.
When correcting your child, make every effort to avoid the following destructive language styles. They are guaranteed to tear down self-esteem.
Changing the way you give children correction might not come easily at first. You may find yourself slipping into the same old style of labeling, judging, threatening, or nagging. Don’t be discouraged. As you become proficient with the language of self-esteem, your relationship with your kids will improve and you’ll feel increasingly free of the old conflicts, impasses, and resistances of the past.
The following three exercises will help you tune in to how you use language and help you learn new habits of communication to build self-esteem.
Exercise
Make note of three such interactions you have observed. Then mentally rewrite the scene using the four steps on giving corrections based on the language of self-esteem. (Practice using all the steps, even if the result sounds a little stilted.)
Discipline is any instruction or training that corrects, molds, or perfects mental faculties or moral character. As a parent, you are by definition an instructor and trainer, and you teach your children most of the skills they need to live in the world—impulse control, social skills, decision making. Whether you have many or few rules matters less than how those rules are presented and enforced. If rules are fair and predictable and your children feel accepted as people even when their behavior is not acceptable, then they can learn and grow with good self-esteem. If the rules are arbitrary and inconsistently enforced or if your children feel shamed, blamed, overpowered, or humiliated, then they will learn that they are worthless and lose confidence that they can ever do things right.
It is a mistake to think that children who are never corrected or limited can grow up with high self-esteem. In fact, the opposite is true. Children raised without discipline have lower self-esteem and tend to be more dependent, achieve less, and feel that they have less control over their world. The world is full of unhappy surprises as they run into the disapproval of their teachers and the cruel feedback of peers. They tend to be more anxious because they never know exactly what the limits are and when they’ll run into trouble (since even the most sanguine parents finally reach the end of their patience). These children often feel unloved because they lack the physical and emotional protection of rules and limits. “If it doesn’t matter what I do, then they must not care about me.”
Discipline needn’t be an assault on self-esteem. It can be the means of creating a safe, supportive home environment where learning takes place. It starts with building a good relationship with your children, a relationship where they know what is expected of them and the consequences of misbehaving are predictable, reasonable, and fair.
Punishment is defined as “enforcing obedience or order” and implies external control over a person by force or coercion. You have a lot of power in the relationship with your child. You are physically stronger and more intelligent and experienced. You control the resources; the children live in your house. Since your children depend on you for support, approval, love, and feelings of worth, you have the power to intimidate and force them to obey: “Do it because I said so.” “I’ll make you sorry.” “Don’t you dare.” “You better not.”
If the reason for punishment is to teach children to behave differently, then the punishment does not work. In fact, it distracts children from feeling sorry for what they did or didn’t do. They become involved in feelings of defiance, guilt, and revenge. All they remember is “I’ll get even,” “she’ll be sorry,” “next time I won’t tell her, and she’ll never find out.” To the child who is punished, the parent is seen as unfair. You are the bully, and he is the victim. At the same time the effect on self-esteem can be devastating. The child feels humiliated, belittled, powerless, and bad. He gets the message that to be accepted, he has to do it your way and forget his needs. “My needs are unimportant, and so am I.”
Finally, it is very unpleasant to be the punishing parent. You never get the good family feeling of cooperation and support, and the negative feelings drain the joy from your relationship. Punishment starts a negative cycle of misbehavior, punishment, anger, revenge, and misbehavior again. You are as trapped as your child.
There is an alternative to punishment in handling discipline problems. It entails more thought and planning than punishment, but the rewards are great for both you and your family. It starts before any misbehavior occurs, before there is any need for discipline. You begin by creating and preserving a good relationship with your child. This relationship is the most powerful tool that you have to motivate your child to change his behavior. If kids want to please you, if they want your approval, they are less likely to misbehave.
But how do you keep a good relationship when you are correcting them, limiting them, and disciplining them? You do that by using the same communication skills that you use when dealing with any other person around conflict.
When you make it easy for children to behave well, their self-esteem grows. They learn to see themselves in a positive light, as cooperative and helpful, and they feel successful in being able to please you. Here are some suggestions to help your child meet your expectations.
What are the chronic behavior problems or conflicts in your family? For some families bedtime is a problem, and for others the morning routine of getting the kids up, dressed, fed, and out the door is a struggle. Some families have difficulty getting their children to finish their homework. Others struggle with siblings who borrow from each other and don’t return the possessions. There might be conflicts of use of the family car or game console.
Sometimes you can simply ask your children if they have any suggestions about how a problem could be solved. You might be surprised at the creativity of their solutions. By just making your children part of the process, you will change their perspective about the problem and make them more interested in resolving it.
Another way to involve a child in the problem-solving process is through a family “brainstorming” meeting. The goal of the meeting should be to find a solution that everyone can live with, so the session should not become a gathering where you lay down the law. Even young children can be successfully engaged in this process with good results.
First, notify everyone in the family ahead of time that you want to discuss the problem, and then set a time when everyone can be present. Suggest that they think about the problem before the meeting so that they can be ready to find a solution. At the meeting, take lots of time to present everybody’s needs, including your own. Don’t jump to a solution too fast. Make sure that everyone gets a turn to talk. Write down all suggestions without making judgments. You can eliminate the unreasonable suggestions later. If kids have trouble getting started, give a few suggestions first and write them down. Continue by giving the children lots of time to participate and add to the list. Next, help them narrow the list down to reasonable suggestions until everyone is in agreement. Be sure that everything is spelled out in the final plan—the what, when, where, how, and who of the solution. This includes what to do if someone does not follow the plan. Before you end the meeting, plan to get together again within a set time (one week, one month) to evaluate how the plan is working and to make any necessary changes.
Julia had a terrible time trying to get her two sons (ages eight and eleven) out the door in the morning. It took a half hour just to get the boys out of bed, and then they argued about what clothes they wanted to wear. They complained about the lunches she packed and then would often forget to take them to school. Julia felt that she met with resistance at every step and found herself nagging, threatening, and finally screaming. All three were emotionally distraught by the time they piled into the car. Their family meeting resulted in the following agreement.
This solution solved many of the problems of their morning routine. The children enjoyed the use of their own docking station, set to play their favorite music. They were motivated to get out of bed by the promise of a treat for lunch. Julia no longer was the one who nagged and reminded them. The alarm woke them at seven. The alarm told them that it was 7:15 a.m. and they had better be out of bed if they wanted a treat for lunch. The boys enjoyed the increased independence of making decisions about what they wanted for lunch and what they wanted to wear. Julia made it easier for them to remember their lunches by leaving them by the front door with their books.
Teach your children the real facts of life. Every act has its consequences. If you speed up in your new sports car, you will get a ticket. If you insult someone, he or she will not want to be your friend. If you’re late to the bus stop, you miss your bus.
Natural consequences are those that are not imposed by any authority. There are many instances when allowing the natural consequences of your child’s behavior to occur is the best method of learning. If your son doesn’t eat his lunch now, he’ll be hungry later. If your daughter doesn’t study, she won’t pass the test. If your youngest doesn’t keep a C average, the coach won’t allow him on the team.
By allowing consequences to occur, you make your child responsible for his own actions. You are not the bad guy who nags, punishes, and berates. You can even be sympathetic and supportive. But your child gets the point: bad things happen when she acts in certain ways. By preventing the consequences from occurring, you keep your child from learning and remove all incentive for behavioral change.
Sometimes it is not reasonable to allow certain consequences to occur. You can’t risk that your child will learn by natural consequences to stay out of the street or not to play with matches. The lesson might be fatal! For these and other situations where natural consequences should not occur, you need to create consequences for misbehavior. The following rules will help you create effective and fair consequences.
Allowing your children to experience the consequences of their actions teaches them to take responsibility for what they do. Taking that responsibility builds self-esteem because it gives them control. They are not attacked or berated, and they don’t have to feel guilty. Their relationship with you is not on the line. You accept them and care about them even though they have made a mistake.
Nancy was talking about how she felt when leaving the hospital with her new baby. “I remember feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility. The baby seemed so vulnerable, and there were so many dangers. Even the sound of the cars on the street seemed too loud, too close. How were we going to provide for his needs—keep him safe, keep him alive. He was totally dependent on us.”
Frank talks about his eighteen-year-old daughter going away to college for the first time. “I look at her and see a young woman starting out in life. Sure, for the past eighteen years she’s had the security and support of a father who loves her, but the lessons she needs to learn now are the ones I can’t teach her. She needs to learn to get along with others, schedule her time, budget her money, and take care of herself. I know she’s capable of living on her own, but she needs to do it in order to prove it. I’ll be the safety net for the next few years, but she’s the one on the high wire.”
Teaching kids the skills and knowledge they need to leave the nest is the basic task of parenting. You want them to be capable of caring for themselves and sufficiently confident to meet challenges. You want them to fit in socially, but not lose their sense of identity, and to be generous enough to give and trusting enough to take in relationships. Somehow, during the intervening years between first holding your fragile infant and watching him pack up to move away, your child achieves autonomy. And a sense of autonomy is essential for good self-esteem.
If you spend some time with toddlers, you see the innate drive to achieve autonomy in its rawest form. You see their incredible will to learn and master skills both physical and intellectual. They’ll climb, reach, touch, and taste any new object in their environment. They’ll struggle to acquire language, and then use their first words (“no” being most important) to begin affecting their world.
The process of promoting a child’s autonomy is continuous. You provide a balance between the opportunity to explore and the security of your protection. This balance between safety and growth is constantly changing. But despite the fluctuations, the trend is always toward autonomy. It’s like watching the tide come in. Not every wave comes closer to you than the last, but in an hour’s time you can see that there is less beach and more ocean and it’s time to move the blanket or you’ll soon be wet. As your children grow, by providing more challenges, allowing more choices, and expecting more responsibility, you function as a positive mirror in building their self-esteem. You trust them; you believe them capable. Your approval of their drive toward autonomy assures them that it is safe to grow up and grow away.
When a child tries something new and faces a challenge successfully, his self-esteem grows. You can help your children have the courage to try new experiences by providing these four conditions.
The lessons learned at school are not just reading and math skills or knowledge of history and science. When children are able to finish assignments on time, with reasonable neatness and care, they learn some very important life skills. They learn to organize, plan ahead, follow through, and exercise some self-control. Reasonable grades also support self-esteem. Your son sees stars and smiling faces at the top of his homework papers, that his teacher is pleased and friendly toward him, and that other children see him as competent.
The child who is allowed to continue to do poorly in school faces daily assaults on his self-esteem. Poor grades, disapproval from the teacher, and even social ostracism are the painful burdens that he bears. A child’s self-esteem can take a beating as he falls further and further behind.
Of course, there are many reasons why children do poorly in school. Your son may have difficulty seeing or hearing the teacher. Or he may have a learning disability (aphasia, dyslexia, hyperactivity). Your daughter may be bored because she’s not challenged or frustrated because she can’t keep up. Or she may be distracted by friends who sit nearby.
Whatever the problem, you need to deal with it early in a child’s school career—before he begins to think of himself as a failure, and before he suffers years of disapproval from frustrated teachers.
Check with your child first. Have your son tell you what he sees as the problem and what he thinks is needed to solve it. Check with his teachers. From them you’ll learn about any problems before they get out of hand, and you’ll also let the teachers know that you’re an interested parent and your child is trying. Look at parent-teacher conferences as an exchange of information. The teacher needs to know if there is some situation at home that’s affecting your child: the birth of a sibling, a recent move, the death of a grandparent or a pet, a family illness, or a marital problem. You need to know what is expected of your child and how well he is meeting those expectations.
Listen to how the teacher perceives the problem. Does her perception sound reasonable? Is your son restless or distractible? Does he fail to finish assignments? Does he forget his books? Does he work too slowly or freeze up during exams? Look at his tests, his artwork, his desk, and his notes. Ask about his friendships and participation in class. Try to get a sense of what your child’s experience in school is. Don’t leave until you have a good idea about what the problem is and have agreed on a plan to solve it. Follow up by checking back in a few weeks to see if there is any improvement.
Marco was a bright but often bored fourth-grader. When his math grades fell from his usual As to Cs, Marco’s father asked him what he thought the problem was. Marco claimed that he understood the math, but thought it was stupid and boring. His father had a conference with the teacher. Once his father saw his son’s math tests and worksheets, he could see where the problem was. Marco’s handwriting was so sloppy that his 7s looked like 9s and his 5s looked like 8s. Some mistakes were clearly due to transcribing the numbers incorrectly. The teacher pointed out that in working word problems Marco seemed to understand how the problems were done, but would skip certain steps. They agreed that the father would check Marco’s homework each night for accuracy and legibility. He would also check that Marco didn’t skip steps when solving word problems. Marco’s teacher agreed that Marco might be bored in math. She therefore began saving some fun math games for him to work on after he finished his regular assignments. This simple intervention got Marco back on track, and his math grades improved. More importantly, his self-esteem improved as well. He was getting positive feedback from his teacher for improved handwriting, plus he was given extra attention and the challenge of math games.
You and the teacher should be partners in helping your child do well, feel good about himself, and be successful in school. If you feel that the teacher has labeled and dismissed your child (as “a slow learner,” “hopeless,” “a wall climber,” “a troublemaker” and the like) and that she is not willing to work with you in a positive way, try to have your child moved to another class.
Let your children spend time with other children. Social skills are only learned through practice. Kids need to learn to share, take turns, cooperate, and negotiate. They learn how to get along and predict how others will react to them. They need other kids to practice how to handle their anger, how to compromise, and how to get their own way. Getting along with peers is a very different skill from getting along with adults, and the social lessons of childhood are essential for a child to be successful socially, as a teen and as an adult.
For very young children, play groups or nursery school, even for a few mornings a week, are valuable. Encourage after-school activities where kids learn to enjoy team spirit and companionship. Encourage their friends to visit your home and let your child visit others after school. Take a friend along on an outing. Exclusive one-on-one contact during a trip can cement a friendship, which might carry over to the school environment. This is an especially helpful opportunity for shy children.
Be aware of the tremendous pressure your children are under to be like other kids. From riding their bike in the street to dating and curfew restrictions, kids are going to want to do what “everybody else is doing.” What everybody else is doing will be different in different communities, and will almost certainly be different from your expectations. Hairstyle, dress style, and music are classic battlegrounds for family conflict during adolescence. But being part of a group identified by distinctive style and philosophy gives teens a ready-made identity and the safety of the group while they struggle to find out who they are and what they want. As a parent, you are faced with a delicate balance between accepting their need to establish an independent identity and firmly setting limits in areas that relate to your child’s physical and psychological safety. If your child has enough experience and feels competent socially, he will have a better chance to resist the pressures to “go along” with the crowd when going along exposes him to danger.
Children learn to value themselves by the example you set. When you have the self-esteem to forgive yourself, they learn to forgive themselves. When you talk about your appearance and behavior with acceptance, they learn to do the same. When you have the self-esteem to set limits and protect yourself, kids model on your example. They learn to set limits and protect themselves as well.
Modeling self-esteem means valuing yourself enough to take care of your own basic needs. When you put yourself last, when you chronically sacrifice for your kids, you teach them that a person is only worthy insofar as he or she is of service to others. You teach them to use you and make it likely that later on they will be used. Setting consistent, supportive limits and protecting yourself from overbearing demands sends a message to your child that both of you are important and both of you have legitimate needs. You show your child that each person in a relationship has value and that a balance must be struck to meet the important needs of each one.
The image of the self-sacrificing parent is often held up as an ideal. The good father gives all for the children no matter what the cost. The good mother never takes a break and has no outside friendships or activities. The good parents have needs that can be ignored, delayed, and forgotten. Is this the ideal?
In fact the opposite is true. Overstressed and overextended parents are often irritable, resentful, and depressed. Just as you can’t keep driving a car without ever stepping on the gas, you can’t keep giving to kids without ever refueling emotionally. Taking care of yourself provides you with the capacity for taking care of your children. An afternoon out with friends for lunch, an evening dinner out with your spouse, a weekly exercise class, or even an hour alone in the tub with a good book can enable you to return to your parenting job with more energy, interest, and patience.