A Slut’s Glossary
New words and terminologies are coined constantly, which is a challenge for writers and sluts alike. This progress is inevitable: we must refine our language as we free ourselves to enter new experiences because it is next to impossible to think clearly and make decisions about choices for which you have no language.
Many of the terms in this book may be unfamiliar to you, and some may be defined differently in different regions and communities. Additionally, new terms are invented frequently and older ones sometimes fall out of favor or change their meanings. In this glossary, we’ll define these words, and some others you may encounter in openly sexual communities, as we understand them today.
ASEXUAL Someone who does not experience sexual attraction. The asexual community, which is estimated to be at least 1 percent of people in the United States, has built an extensive vocabulary for all the flavors and types of asexuality—if you do a web search on “asexual,” you’ll find plenty of information about this seldom-discussed orientation.
BDSM Activities in which one person controls the behavior of another, and/or puts them in bondage, and/or gives them intense sensations. BDSM derives from B/D for bondage and discipline, D/S for dominance and submission, and S/M (or SM or S&M) for sadomasochism. You may also hear it called “kink,” “erotic power exchange,” or just plain “SM.”
CENTRIST Used to draw attention to unspoken expectations about the way things “should” be. We use terms like heterocentrist , eurocentrist , male-centrist , female-centrist , queer-centrist , and couple-centrist . Couple-centrist beliefs, for example, are those that treat the couple as the primary unit of our culture, thus placing anyone who isn’t part of a couple outside the mainstream.
COMMITMENT In common usage, seems to mean an agreement to lifetime monogamy. Obviously, we don’t use it that way in this book. To us, commitment means making a promise for the future and following through on that promise—whether it’s a promise to “cleave unto you only” or to meet for a hot weekend once a year.
COMPERSION A happy or even erotic feeling that arises from seeing your beloved’s pleasure with someone else. For many people, a delight in compersion helps reduce any difficult feelings of jealousy.
DRAMA A slightly pejorative term for the struggles that often involve misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and so on. Those of us who have chosen to avoid the well-paved road of social expectations regarding relationships must hack our way through some fairly dense shrubbery—or drama—to blaze our own pathways.
FAITHFUL/FIDELITY Outside these pages, generally means having sex only with one person. However, the dictionary says fidelity is “demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support,” and that sounds right to us.
FLUID BONDING A safer-sex strategy in which committed partners agree to have unprotected sex only with one another and to use barriers and/or stick to low-risk sexual behaviors with all their other partners.
FRIEND WITH BENEFITS Current parlance for someone with whom you can have sex (the “benefits” part) without the need to commit to a lifelong romantic relationship (the “friend”) part.
FUCK Can mean genital sex in general or, specifically, penetrative sex. It’s still the four-letter word that gets the strongest reaction (with the exception of cunt ), but it seems a shame to us that such a nice activity gets used as a curse.
FUCK BUDDY In common use in the gay men’s community, a friendly relationship that is based on a sexual connection.
GENDER The catchphrase used in gender-explorative circles is, “Your sex is what’s between your legs; your gender is what’s between your ears.” Someone who was born with female genitals and chromosomes but prefers to interact with the world as a man (possibly using surgery and/or hormones to further that goal) is thus of the male gender. Those who prefer to occupy a place somewhere between the extremes of binary gender, or who like to be playful with their gender presentation, are called “nonbinary,” “genderqueer,” “gender-fluid,” or “gender-bent.”
HETERONORMATIVITY The culture-defining belief that heterosexuality is normal, that normality is desirable, and that any other choices are not normal and thus wrong.
INTERSEX A person who is born with the physical characteristics of more than one sex. Intersex people often lobby for the freedom to grow up in the bodies they were born with rather than endure surgeries and other invasive medical treatment from birth onward to force them to conform to a male or female gender.
KINK Any form of sex outside the mainstream, often used specifically for BDSM, leather, and/or fetish play.
LEATHER Another way of talking about BDSM and related behaviors. The term is generally in wider use in gay, lesbian, and queer circles.
METAMOUR A lover’s lover. “My metamours and I like to get together for brunch once in a while.”
MONOGAMISH The relationship style practiced by partners who are socially pair-bonded but whose agreements allow some degree of sexual connection with outside partners. The word was coined by columnist/activist Dan Savage.
MONONORMATIVITY The cultural belief that monogamy is normal and that all other choices get defined in relation to monogamy.
MUNCH A social get-together of polyfolk in a restaurant or similar location. Munches have been established for many online communities. Other ways of meeting like-minded people include meetups, potlucks, conferences, and so on.
NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY (NRE) The intense feelings that may accompany the “honeymoon” phase of a new connection; also called “limerence.”
NONJUDGMENTAL An attitude that is free of irrational or unjustifiable moralizing. It does not mean “all-accepting.” It means being willing to judge an activity or relationship on the basis of how well it works for the participants and not on some external standard of absolute rightness or wrongness.
OPEN RELATIONSHIP A relationship in which the people involved have some degree of freedom to fuck and/or love people outside the relationship. Hence, an eight-person group marriage may be either “open” or “closed.”
OPENHEARTEDNESS Greeting the world with compassion and without defensiveness; opening yourself to whatever love or connection your life offers you.
ORIENTATION Usually means gay, lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, or asexual. Many people engage in sex, romance, and/or intimacy outside the boundaries of their chosen orientation without feeling the need to change that orientation. It is quite possible that orientation has at least as much to do with culture as it does with sex.
OUTERCOURSE Sex that focuses on parts of the body other than the genitals. Such play is generally nonpenetrative and/or non-fluid-sharing: hands and mouths on skin, sex toys, mutual masturbation, phone sex, role-playing, and such. It can provide a safer-sex and birth control strategy, is a great way to find your turn-on, and is fun in and of itself.
PANSEXUAL Inclusive of all genders and orientations. The word is also sometimes used in lieu of “bisexual” by people who feel that “bisexual” refers only to binary gender (it doesn’t).
PATHOLOGIZE/ PATHOLOGIZING To treat any behavior, including a functional sexual or relationship pattern, as disordered or as a disease, usually because it’s unfamiliar.
POLYAMORY Often shortened to “poly,” this new word has gained a great deal of currency in recent years. Some feel it includes all forms of sexual relationships other than monogamy, while others restrict its meaning to committed long-term love relationships (thereby excluding swinging, casual sexual contact, fuck-buddy circles, and other forms of intimacy). We like it because, unlike “nonmonogamy,” it does not assume monogamy as a norm. On the other hand, its meaning is still a bit vague.
POLYCULE A network of people connected through romantic or sexual interactions. It is sometimes called a “constellation” or “pod.”
POLYFIDELITY A subset of polyamory in which more than two people, possibly two or more couples, form a sexually exclusive group. It is sometimes used as a safer-sex strategy.
QUEER A recently reclaimed word, originally an insult aimed at homosexual people. In some communities this word means specifically “gay or lesbian.” However, it is used increasingly as a political/sexual self-definition by anyone who doesn’t fit neatly into mainstream sexual expectations. It is often combined with a description of what makes you queer, as in “genderqueer” or “leatherqueer.”
RECLAIM/RECLAIMING If someone uses a word about you in an attempt to insult or offend you, you can either get angry or you can defuse the word by using it yourself so it’s no longer an insult. Words that have been reclaimed in this way include “queer,” “dyke,” “faggot,” “tranny,” and, yes, “slut.”
RELATIONSHIP ANARCHY A style of relating in which participants choose not to rank relationships from most important to least important, and which relies on as few agreements as possible.
RELATIONSHIP ESCALATOR A way of approaching relationships in which each step leads inevitably to the next: from dating to sexual exclusivity to engagement to marriage to children, and so on. Most sluts will climb a great many stairs to avoid getting onto this “escalator.”
SEX Frankly, it doesn’t matter what definition we use—sex is whatever you and your partners think it is. And whatever you think sex is, we approve of it—because all forms of consensual sex can be wonderful.
SEX ADDICTION Refers to compulsive sexual behavior that takes over a person’s life to the extent that it interferes with healthy functioning in relationships, work, or other aspects of life. It is far too often used as a way of pathologizing happy sluts and is the subject of heated debate in sex therapy communities.
SEX-NEGATIVE The belief that sex is dangerous, sexual desire is wrong, female sexuality is destructive and evil, male sexuality is predatory and uncontrollable, the task of every civilized human being is to confine sexuality within very narrow limits, sex is the work of the devil, God hates sex…Got the picture?
SEX-POSITIVE The belief that sex is a healthy force in our lives. This phrase was created by sex educators at the National Sex Forum in the late 1960s. It describes a person or group that maintains an optimistic, open-minded, nonjudgmental attitude toward all forms of consensual sexuality.
SLUT A person who celebrates sexuality and erotic love with an open mind and an open heart.
SLUT-SHAMING Treating someone as less-than, or insulting or harming them, because they have sex in a way that the speaker thinks is wrong or excessive.
SLUT WALKS Demonstrations held annually in many major cities to fight back against slut-shaming.
THEY/THEM/ THEIR These pronouns are for use when you are uncertain of someone’s gender or when they do not identify with conventional genders. The English language is struggling right now to catch up with today’s fluid sense of gender by acknowledging the need for gender-neutral singular pronouns; as of this writing, “they/them/their” seem to be the gender-neutral pronouns of choice, although Wikipedia lists more than a dozen other possibilities. We have chosen to use they/them/their in this book. See gender.
TRANS (“trans,” “transman,” “transwoman,” etc.) Someone who identifies as a gender different from the one their chromosomes and/or genitals dictate. Transfolk may or may not decide to take hormones and/or have surgery to change their physical appearance. See gender.
WINGMAN A friend who helps steer potential partners your way. A current or former lover can make an excellent wingman—who knows more about what makes you desirable than someone who has desired you?