Now that we’ve acclimated to the twists, turns, and trenches that form the landscape of medical gaslighting, it’s time for battle strategy.
Over the next few chapters, we’ll cover the best approaches for stopping medical gaslighting in its tracks, tips for protecting yourself from the vulnerabilities that make you a target, and guidelines for what to do during and after you’ve been gaslit to silence the shame and move through the roadblocks it leaves in its wake.
For now, let’s start with the crucial step of setting yourself up for success with pre-appointment preparation. There is nothing more panic-inducing than having to walk into an exam room and share your complex medical history with a doctor you know nothing about. There are three crucial things you can do to prepare for an appointment where you might face medical gaslighting.
The first is doing everything in your power to find a physician with the lowest probability of gaslighting you. You’ll want to seek out someone who seems the most likely to diagnose, treat, and continue to manage you while addressing you with a reasonable amount of understanding and respect.
The second is being mindful of your appearance, to reduce the likelihood that you’ll be judged solely on what you look like. (Should you have to do this? No. Women shouldn’t have to do most of the things they do to defend themselves out in the world. But it makes a difference.)
The third is developing the ability to be an ally to yourself—even at your worst, even when it all goes wrong. You may very well be humiliated, turned away, or judged unfairly in your attempts to seek help. But if you can prepare yourself for how these situations will impact not just your body but your sense of self, you will give yourself a better chance at surviving both the disease and the road to treating it.
You don’t get to choose your illness. And you don’t get to choose when it flares up. Which is why, when you do have healthcare choices, you should pick carefully, thoughtfully, and with your worst days in mind.
Your insurance, your location, and your finances dictate the number of options you get to choose from. But within those limitations, when it comes to building your medical team (outside of urgent care and emergency room settings), you are in charge. The process of vetting new doctors can feel daunting. Paralyzing, even—especially if you’ve had experiences being medically gaslit. Yet, in its own way, the opportunity to look for better care can be kind of empowering. It’s like tiptoeing back into the dating scene after an abusive relationship. It’s like booking a flight after surviving a plane crash. It’s like finding your voice after years and years of being told no one wanted to hear it.
Putting together a general rubric on what makes a doctor the best choice for you is no easy feat. I’ve chosen doctors for a variety of good reasons: They were referred by another doctor I trusted, they had excellent online reviews, they had been quoted in journals or news articles discussing one of the conditions I lived with.
But I’ve chosen doctors for totally different, less worthy reasons, too. They had the soonest available appointment and I needed help fast. Their office was close enough for me to be able to drive to between meetings. They took my insurance and no one else near me did. They were the only specialist I’d consulted with who could actually recall something from the one-hour lecture on my disease they’d had in medical school.
Sometimes, the urgency to be seen supersedes the importance of finding the best doctor you can, and anyone with a medical degree will do. But when you’re looking for a provider to manage a rare or ongoing condition or a surgeon to do a delicate procedure, you can (and should) be choosier.
What goes into picking the best of, in some cases, the potentially worst? A lot of research. So, pull out your laptop, because we’re going to Google these doctors like they just invited you out for drinks at 11 PM on a weeknight.
Here are a few questions you’ll want to answer as you work through the available data on your new doctor:
Safety: Is this doctor licensed? Have they been sued for malpractice? Did they win or lose those cases? Have patients reported other medical mistakes? Have patients been scammed out of their money?
Expertise: How long has this doctor been practicing? When did they graduate medical school and from where? What certifications do they have? Do patients report feeling well managed in their care? Do they report actually being helped by this doctor?
Practicality: Does this doctor take your insurance? Where is this doctor located? Which hospital(s) is this doctor affiliated with? Does this doctor practice in multiple offices, and if so, how many days a week or month are they in the location nearest you?
Demeanor: Is this doctor described as having a good bedside manner? Are they described as being rude or short-tempered? Have patients reported sticking with this doctor for many years?
Doctors are just like you and me: Their embarrassing life stories are all over the internet. From patient reviews to old YouTube videos to interviews they’ve done with the local news, information about your doctor and how they treat their patients is often readily available—if you know where to look, and how to sort through those online images to see the whole picture.
If I’m looking for the best gyro in the Pacific Northwest or whether that new show on Netflix is worth the watch, I feel pretty confident that sifting through some online reviews will lead me down the right path. When it comes to finding a competent neurologist in my city? Not so much. While online reviews can be truthful, useful, and informative, they have to be cautiously considered.
That said, we can find out a lot in patient reviews! Especially when there are waves and waves of them listing the same complaint, or when they contain a complaint that is a bright red flag—for example, if a patient was assaulted or injured. Alternately, if you find a collection of positive reviews that list many similar attributes, you can usually take those compliments seriously.
Still, I take online doctor reviews from other patients with a chunk of Himalayan rock salt. Not everyone is looking for the same experience, and online reviews tend to emphasize just how different our individual takeaways are. The truth is, most people don’t review good doctors and even fewer review average ones. Even if you get gaslit or seriously hurt by a doctor, you might not feel secure enough to post about it online in a public forum. So, what does that leave in the indexes of online reviews? Usually two kinds of people: those who got put on hold too long and those who have an irrelevant bone to pick.
Doctors have biases, but so do we, as patients. We also have varying levels of experience dealing with the medical system. Those without chronic health conditions often think of visiting a doctor like visiting a hairdresser. They expect the experience to be a consumer one, where they are catered to and waited on. As veteran patients know, that is rarely the case, and it doesn’t mean the doctor or their office staff is inherently inept.
If you want a prime example of this, try looking up reviews for your local hospital. More often than not you’ll find patients who, experiencing their first hospitalization, are naive to the reality that hospitals aren’t a place to rest or be rescued in. They’re loud and inconsiderate of your comfort, and your nurses are not your servers. You won’t be seen by your favorite TV doctor and have every diagnostic test run on you. You’re usually held there to be stabilized and released. Patients rage about long emergency room wait times and inconsiderate 4 AM blood draws, and while those things are awful and could use some systemic improvement, they’re also normal for any facility in the United States.
All this is to say that a lot of the time the experiences we have as patients are not personal, and many reviews are written as if they are—meaning they aren’t especially helpful for those looking for an unbiased take on how well a doctor can treat a specific condition.
What to Look for in Patient Reviews
•Patterns of Bias: Who seems to be the most satisfied demographic? If the site you’re searching on has profile icons, check reviewers’ pictures or look for clues as to age, gender, or condition in reviews. Men? Women? Older patients or younger ones? Black patients or white ones? Analyzing these details can give you a better idea of a doctor’s potential biases.
•Patient Loyalty: Is there mention of a long-term patient-doctor relationship, or was this review posted after a first consult? While new patient reviews shouldn’t necessarily be discounted, a patient who still feels like posting a review after their second, tenth, or twentieth appointment can indicate that the patient feels comfortable with the doctor’s approach not just to one-time issues with a quick fix, but to chronic conditions.
•Similar Patients: Was there a mention of the disease or condition you’re dealing with in any of the reviews? This indicates that the doctor has at least some experience with problems similar to yours and can help you navigate the journey based on their practical experience.
If you do go hunting for patient reviews, you’ll find that Google reviews tend to be the primary source of patient critiques. Many other doctor review sites don’t even allow patients to post a written review, instead asking them to fill out a multipronged star rating on everything from wait times to bedside manner. These often net out to meaningless ratings that don’t encompass individual experiences.
If your doctor works in a large hospital system or clinic group, they may have reviews on their profile page of the company website. Beware—these are most likely filtered through that hospital’s public relations team to look somewhat fair while also being as flattering as possible.
So where should you go to find recommendations (or warnings) from other patients? Social media can be a much more direct and helpful avenue. Many Facebook groups, particularly for people who face uncommon medical issues with limited treatment options, now offer ever-growing lists of doctors or surgeons they recommend. These groups do more than just host directories, though. In 2019, Facebook began allowing users to post anonymously on support group pages, so that patients with potentially embarrassing health queries could reach out without having to worry about their friends or family seeing. It also allows users to post more candidly about experiences they’ve had with past doctors.
While I hope your searches all turn up dozens of actually helpful patient reviews and your inquiries on social media support groups return a plethora of constructive information, sometimes you’ll be considering a doctor who doesn’t have any reviews. Don’t despair just yet; sometimes you simply need to dig a little deeper. While reviews from other patients can feel like the only trustworthy way to know if a doctor is a good one, there’s more you can look for.
You can search your doctor’s name on different social platforms to see if they have their own public profiles. (Just don’t be snoopy and search out accounts that are meant to be private!) Many doctors these days have public social media accounts where they talk about their medical expertise and share opinions on health-related news. You might find your doctor has been posting on online about recent continuing medical education conferences he’s been to. Or maybe she’s posted a Q&A video about a new surgical technique on YouTube. Maybe they’re TikTok famous (I swear this is more common than you’d think).
Should whether your doctor is a social media star matter to you? Probably not, but what they post or share online can help you get a better idea of who it is you’d be working with and what kind of collaborator they might be in your care.
Don’t stop your search at social media. Doctors are professionals, and if they’re out practicing in the world, chances are some aspect of their work has been caught on the internet. Expand your search to look for news articles and video interviews. Your doctor could also have their name in academic articles, medical journals, and studies. If your prospective doctor is actively pursuing new answers for patients like you, it might help you feel better about that three-month waiting list they have.
While seeing what your doctor chooses to share online can be helpful, you also want to know about the things they’re trying to remove from the front page of search results.
There’s a good chance that a doctor you’re already under the care of has been sued for medical malpractice. Yeah, it’s true! In 2016, the American Medical Association reported that 34 percent of physicians will have a claim brought against them at least once in their career (and 16 percent at least twice!).14 Surgeons are the most likely to be sued, with nearly 4,000 surgical errors occurring each year,15 but doctors can be sued for any number of reasons, including these:
•Misdiagnosis
•Failure to order proper testing
•Overprescribing
•Insufficient aftercare
•Poor health management
•Premature discharge from a hospital
If you think your potential new doctor can’t possibly have made a mistake like that, you’re wrong. They probably have. And you should check. While some of the claims you find may not be valid (and you may never be privy to enough of the details to know what really happened in that exam room), if you see a case a patient has won or had settled, or reviews and your instincts all suggest the case is a red flag, you can cross this doctor off your list.
These legal documents may not always be online and available for free, but you can search Google News to see if your doctor’s name or clinic shows up alongside the words “malpractice.”
The advice above is helpful if you know who you’re looking into. But what if you don’t even know where to begin to find a new doctor to help you? Or what if you have a list of doctors, but all of their online search results and the recommendations from online strangers still aren’t enough to convince you any of them is the right one for you?
If your luck online has been lackluster, look to people you already know and trust. Like patients, healthcare providers talk to one another, and they know who in their industry is a safe option to steer you toward. When I’m looking for a new specialist, I’ll often ask my current specialists who they suggest. I’ve asked my gynecologist who they’d go to for surgeries. I’ve asked my gastroenterologist what dermatologist they like best. If you’re not sure who to ask, check first with your primary care doctor, who probably does the most referring out to specialists. They also get feedback from patients on which relationships worked out and which did not. You might ask questions like, “If it were you, which doctor would you go to?” and “I’m sure you’ve had patients with this problem before—do you know which specialists they’ve seen and been treated by?”
It can be hard to verbalize the real questions you want to ask: Will this doctor believe me? Will they take my concerns seriously? Will they bother to read through my lengthy medical records or will they take one look at me, make a snap judgment, and leave me crying in the parking lot, out a co-pay and with nowhere to go next?
For California-based board-certified family physician Jenaya Calderilla, women coming to her office after having been medically gaslit is something she says happens “almost daily.”
Calderilla’s background gives her a unique advantage in caring for patients who have experienced mistreatment at the hands of past physicians and their office staff. Prior to medical school, Calderilla worked both as an EMT and as a front desk administrator for a doctor’s office, where she handled insurance issues. Understanding patients at their most vulnerable and helping them navigate the limitations of their coverage has made her someone her patients frequently trust for specialist recommendations.
“I went into primary care because we are the gateway to specialists, and with most insurances, they need a referral from primary care. My patients come back to me and report on how those appointments went. If a patient of mine is gaslit or has a particularly negative experience with a provider, they’re no longer a provider I refer out to,” she says. “There need to be consequences to patients being mistreated. If the situation warrants it, I’ll counsel my patients to pursue a complaint. On my end, that doctor loses out to future referrals from my practice, and that’s how their practice survives or dies. It’s a financial hit for them.”
Calderilla asks for patient feedback, but other doctors may not. Don’t be afraid to offer it anyway. If an appointment goes south after your doctor has sent you to someone new, let them know. It could be your opinion that stops that provider from having the opportunity to gaslight others.
Asking your primary care doctor or a trusted specialist is great, but in my opinion, there’s another option that is almost failproof when it comes to getting an honest recommendation. I ask the people who tend to look at doctors based on long-term results—who follow patients’ success or failures for months or even years.
I ask the nurses.
Oh, yes. Nurses know what’s up. Nurses in infusion centers, doctor’s offices, emergency rooms, or even urgent care clinics know who takes those middle-of-the-night phone calls, who leaves their patients high and dry, who prescribes the most aggressive regimens to fight infections or cancer. Nurses are your number one source when it comes to finding a doctor who is respected and respectful, and who gets things done.
For my most recent abdominal surgery, I was new in town. I’d been doing my own research online, trying to find local specialists who had the skills, took my insurance, and would make sure my pain was managed in the aftermath. I mentioned this to my infusion nurse during my search, and she immediately listed off several names and made very telling facial expressions when I mentioned the ones I’d already reached out to. Nurses have very little motivation to steer you wrong in this area, and their network is vast and fueled by the feedback of patients they know intimately.
You might also ask your pharmacist, physical therapist, or, if you’re admitted to the hospital and need a follow-up after discharge, your hospital-ist. Think outside the insurance directory.
You didn’t think we were done, did you? We’re just getting started. You’ve found an eligible candidate, which means the real evaluation can begin.
Even before you schedule that first consult, you should reach out to the doctor’s office staff to pick their brains, assess their workflow, and see if they’re as interested in you as you are in them. Here are some questions to help get the conversation going (though don’t forget to also check their website to see if the answers are listed there!):
•Do you take my insurance?
•Is the doctor currently taking new patients?
•How many locations does this doctor practice at, and which location(s) are they at most often?
•Which hospital(s) does the doctor have privileges at? (If you have a condition that requires frequent hospitalizations, you want your doctor available to see you as an inpatient.)
•How long has the doctor been practicing?
•Has the doctor ever treated someone (or are they currently treating anyone) with my condition?
•Do you use MyChart or another type of online portal that I can contact the doctor through directly? (We’ll talk more about why this is important in chapter 10.)
•Is this a group or an individual practice? If a group practice, will there be other doctors covering for this doctor that I’ll need to share my medical history with?
•Do you have an after-hours emergency call service?
Concierge Medicine: Can’t You Just Pay for Care?
If you could just write a check to a doctor in exchange for an agreement that he would not gaslight you, would you do it? And how much would you pay for the convenience of respect? For the peace of mind that comes with not being victimized? What portion of your income are you willing to fork over to the powers that be to make them treat you not like a patient, but like a client?
Did you know paying to get better care was possible? Because in a roundabout sort of way, it just might be. While you can never pay a doctor to just bend to your every whim, you can employ one in a way that increases the chance they’ll be on their best behavior.
Perhaps this is not your first rodeo. You’ve seen multiple providers and they’ve all given you the ick. You’re desperate and willing to fork over more than just a typical co-pay to get the kind of care you’re looking for. You find yourself broadening your horizons (and Google search) to include doctors off the beaten path and find yourself down a rabbit hole, asking, Should I get a concierge doctor?
If you haven’t seen Royal Pains (a seven-season hit TV show featuring a high-end doctor who serviced the Hamptons elite), then you may not even know this medical extravagance exists. If all roads lead you back to the fetal position and you happen to have a credit card, you can pay for the kind of care you’d like to receive. You can hire a doctor to take on your case, your complexity, and your baggage, and get you on the road to relief—with the implied agreement that they’ll treat you not like a silly little girl, but as a woman of means.
Though they’ve been around since the early ’90s, today, concierge medicine practices are popping up all over the country, charging quarterly or annual fees in place of (or in conjunction with) traditional insurance plans. They offer benefits like these:
•Access to the doctor’s cell phone number so they can be reached day or night
•Same- or next-day appointments
•Extended appointment times (sometimes up to or over an hour)
•No wait times
•Included standard care (well visits, annual checkups, and blood tests)
•More serene and comforting office environments
Many of these benefits are possible because, ideally, a concierge practice takes on only a small percentage of the typical practice’s 2,500-patient load—just 200 to 500 patients on an annual basis.
Sounds nice, right? It is. And for many patients with complex and chronic illness, the price tag is well worth the care. For now, the cost of concierge medicine is fairly affordable—ranging from as low as $1,000 a year (plus your insurance’s co-pay) to well over $10,000 a year (some physicians may treat only especially high-end clients and take on as few as twenty to fifty patients a year at a higher annual membership fee).
The concierge model was designed to do two things: First, address doctor burnout, by relieving the strain of a crumbling healthcare system that doesn’t allow physicians to spend enough time with patients to do work they can feel proud of. And second, provide a safety net for caregivers who cannot devote the time needed to organize care for a dependent and who need help picking specialists and tracking progress. At least, those were the initial goals. Now, concierge practices fill many needs, from making sure you can get your Botox and boosters in the same visit, to customizing wellness plans from diet to early disease detection. Some have family membership plans. Some are now available as specialty clinics for pediatrics, gynecology, oncology, and neurology.
But the model makes the most sense when patients are cared for preventatively. Keeping a well patient well doesn’t overwhelm a concierge practice. Turning an unwell patient into a well-managed one is another story—and one that should be a concern for women who don’t fit the financial goals of the practice. As with any membership service, the hope is that the majority of those buying into it won’t be daily users. But a complex patient—meaning any patient with more than one condition, taking more than one medication—means more visits, more paperwork, more time spent in the exam room, more Keurig cups to offer at check-in. It’s a problem, and concierge doctors are not signing on for more headaches—especially if you plan on having those and IBS.
This was the case for Bailey Ketterman, a thirty-nine-year-old social worker from Kansas who lives with ADHD, treatment- resistant depression, and spinal stenosis. For all her adult life, she’s been a compliant patient juggling multiple specialists alongside her other responsibilities. It was her hope that one of the local concierge practices in her town could help her streamline her medication management. It didn’t go smoothly.
“I had completed the forms and provided my payment info and sent my health history—it was when they read my current prescriptions that they balked. They were very blunt about the reason why: My multiple conditions and need for controlled substances made them uncomfortable. They said they would not take me on as a patient.”
Unfortunately for Bailey, her employer ended up dropping comprehensive medical coverage and left her with no choice but to be seen by one of the concierge practices—which meant that instead of having someone manage the medications she needed to function, she had to completely drop one, because it was a controlled substance, and see another specialist out of pocket to fill the other.
While concierge medicine might one day be a good solution for complex patients, for now it’s one patients should think deeply about and evaluate based on practicality. If you’re interviewing a concierge doctor to see if you’re a fit, ask how they feel about managing a patient with multiple health issues. Do they have patients with conditions like yours? Some may work well with your other specialists and even be a quarterback for you—funnel the expertise of multiple specialists into one place and counsel you on how to make the best plan of care. Be open about your expectations before signing a concierge contract and whipping out your wallet.
And understand that concierge medicine is not a guarantee that you won’t be gaslit. Your concierge doctor might be trying to sell you on his services in your initial consult, but as he continues to learn about your health, he may, just like any other doctor, become overwhelmed and start to demonstrate the same kinds of behaviors you’re trying to avoid.
I know, going into an appointment, that I can’t control everything. I can’t control if a doctor just spent two hours setting up hospice and consoling a spouse about how to cope with end-of-life care right before our appointment, leaving them drained and distracted. I can’t control whether a doctor spilled coffee down their button-up, scalding the skin they sunburnt on their vacation last week and putting them in a foul mood for the whole day. I can’t control if I look just like a patient they used to have, before she overdosed on the pills that they hesitated to prescribe her.
I can only really control how I act before I walk in that room, what I do while I’m inside, and what I do after. And so, I make a plan. And in making that plan, I think about these things:
•Should I schedule another consult, with another doctor in this specialty, for soon after? That way, I know I have other options in case the appointment doesn’t go well. And I can always cancel if it works out!
•What do I know about this doctor and their background? How can I prepare myself mentally for the potential of medical gaslighting, and how can I prepare myself strategically to prevent it?
•What does the doctor know about me? What records from previous doctors do they have access to, and what arguments or explanations will I need to supply to support or refute what exists in those records?
•What am I bringing to this appointment? Can I bring my own information that I think will be more quickly and easily digestible in a short appointment? Have I decided on what records to bring and put them in an order that makes sense to explain?
•What are my goals for this appointment, and what is logical to expect to get out of it? How can I mentally prepare for the latter outcome?
•Am I going alone? Or am I bringing a friend or spouse or parent? Who will make me feel empowered by being in the room alongside me? What role will they be tasked with during this appointment: co-witness to my medical history or moral support?
•What can I do to reduce my stress that day, so that I can focus entirely on what I need to get done during that appointment? Would it help to confirm the address and time of the appointment with the office staff the day of, so that I know where I’m going and they know that I’m still coming—and can let me know if I should arrive later than I was scheduled because the doctor is running late?
•Can I warm myself with thoughts of what I will do after the appointment to show myself gratitude for being brave enough to continue seeking care, even when it’s hard and I feel scared? What will be my “trauma treat”? A trip to T.J. Maxx? My favorite coffee order from Starbucks? A tight hug and forehead kiss from my partner waiting for me back at home?
What you look like can make you a victim of your doctor’s worst biases before you’ve even introduced yourself. And while there’s a lot you can’t change when it comes to your appearance—temporarily, just for your appointment—there’s a lot you can change to minimize your chances of getting gaslit. Things like your clothing, makeup, and hygiene can influence the response you get from a physician more than you’ve probably imagined.
I spend a lot of time in my closet before doctor appointments. I’d hazard to say it’s more difficult to dress for a doctor than it is for a wedding, a job interview, or a first date. That’s probably because what you wear to present your case as a patient can be completely overlooked if it’s not reflected in your appearance. You must show that you’re suffering, but also that you’re trying, and also that you’re responsible and competent, but also that you’re absolutely exhausted and at the end of your rope. And the outfit also has to be comfortable enough to wear when your skeleton feels like it’s trying to claw its way out of your skin.
Should you wear pajamas or a blazer? Should you put on a full face of makeup or let the circles under your eyes be the proof in the pudding?
While there are some changes to your appearance you shouldn’t try to hide—like weight gain or loss, any obvious physical wounds or markings, or any visible physical reaction to a medication or illness—there are other things that can be safely altered to give you a better chance at being taken seriously by your provider.
As we’ve seen, we are all hard-wired to judge, and doctors are no different. They will absolutely assess your clothing, hair color, hairstyle, tattoos, and makeup. If you look too put together, they may believe you’re not suffering enough to necessitate treatment.
It may seem silly to obsess over an outfit when your life is in danger, and that’s because it is silly. It’s just one more thing on the long and obscenely stupid list of things women have to deal with when seeking medical care. And the fact that it matters at all is liable to make you even more nauseated than you were to begin with.
Would I tell you that repressing any natural expressions of your personality—dying your hair back to a natural color, going light on the eye-liner, wearing a business casual outfit—is the way to live your life full-time? No. But is it a safeguard to get a doctor to take you (and your symptoms) seriously? Yeah, I would tell you that.
Because I want to be honest with you: These things make the difference between being believed and treated with dignity as a patient and being probed and questioned over whether you would resell or abuse narcotic pain medicine.
Feminists all over the world are cringing away from the last few paragraphs. We all know that systemic change is the answer. In future editions of this book, I hope to be able to fill this section with all the ways in which we, as a society, have improved on our instinct to base our decision-making around people’s appearances. In the meantime, if you’re hoping to combat personal bias against you in the exam room, your first step is to reduce the number of things the person who has power over you can be biased about.
Dress in simple, plain clothes with no stains or tears. Don’t wear anything overly revealing. Treat your appointment like an entry-level job interview. You don’t need to wear a nice dress or heels. You don’t need to wear a suit. But if you wear clean, professional clothing with no slogans, brand names, or obvious reflections of your income, your provider will be forced to ask questions to find out who you are, rather than form biases based on what you look like—and give you a fighting chance to present the you that actually exists.
Take a shower. Comb your hair. And don’t put on a full face of makeup. Too often I’ve heard from women that because they wore noticeable makeup, they were told they looked fine. That pretty girls like them should just go out and enjoy their life. That they couldn’t be that sick if they spent hours doing their makeup.
Because, you know, applying mascara takes hours, and no woman has ever put on makeup while feeling sick to their stomach. Because you don’t regularly hear about women breathing through labor pains while braiding their hair so they look a little less like they’ve gone through hell pushing out a baby.
No one can tell how much pain you’re in or how sick you are just by looking at you. But I promise—they’ll try. It’s easier to write you off before you’ve said a single word than take the time to really listen. Leave as little as you can up to their biased interpretation and design your look to say: I am competent. I am determined. I am not taking no answer as an answer.
Before going into your next doctor’s appointment, try saying a few of the following affirmations:
1.I am deserving of the care I’m pursuing, even if this doctor doesn’t make the choice to help me.
2.I am not silly, hysterical, or wasting resources by seeking help. If anyone tries to make me feel that way, their lack of empathy doesn’t reduce my need for safety in my own body.
3.Just because one doctor does not have the answer, that doesn’t mean the answer doesn’t exist. This is one doctor, in one building, in one town, in one state, in one country, that doesn’t know what to do with me. It’s OK if today was not the doctor. There are answers for me, perhaps just not here.
4.It is not one doctor who stands between me and the ability to be well, it is my determination to continue seeking care until I get it.
5.I am a reliable historian for my health. I know my body. And I know when something is wrong.
6.Cowardice isn’t talking about my pain or struggles; cowardice is hiding them so that I’m not hurt by the judgment of others.
7.Courage is seeking help, especially knowing it may not be given.
8.I am relentless in the pursuit of the body that I deserve to live in. I will not succumb to any manipulation that tries to convince me I deserve less.
9.I have the capability and the right to remove myself from medical situations that make me feel unsafe.
10.Whatever this doctor offers to me is an offer of collaboration and not a command. I have the ability to consent or refuse treatments based on any factors that concern me.
You can also share these affirmations with a support person like a parent, spouse, or friend and let them remind you of how capable you are to handle the anxiety that comes with opening yourself up to a new medical experience.
Remember, a successful doctor’s appointment requires a combination of a prepared patient, a great doctor, and a diagnosis and treatment plan that works for you. All you can control is how well you know your body and its story and how prepared you are to face a provider who may not be the person you hoped for or expected.