CHAPTER. 1
Being single is great! Doing what you want, when you want; flirting with hot strangers; feeling that tingle in your loins as you wait for your STD test results …What a blast! But it’s not all fun and Valtrex. Most of the time when you’re single you just don’t make the effort to cook a good meal for yourself. And that’s what this chapter is all about: celebrating the single life with food! (Some people call this “emotional eating.”Pfft, what do they know?)
When you’re flying solo, it’s super important to eat home-cooked meals because all that takeout will tax you. Before you know it, you’ll be the one e-dating with an “artsy-emo” webcam pic because the wide shot ain’t pretty. Even if your mom stocks your fridge once a week with cannelloni, that isn’t a home-cooked meal—it’s a salty bribe for grandchildren.
Now I know that cooking-for-one complaints are common: “Nobody is there to share it.” “Nobody is there to chat.” I don’t like hamsters.” I hear you; but if you really think about it, who deserves a homemade feast more than you? Not only do you pay the bills, you’re the only one who can give yourself an orgasm in under thirty seconds. ‘Nuff said.
Salmon and singles have a lot in common. Salmon have to swim upstream hundreds of miles to spawn, singles have to surf through hundreds of crappy dating profiles. Salmon lower their temperature to mate, singles lower their standards. And at the end of the day, they both end up hot, sweaty, and covered in butter.
Servings: 2
LEEK SAUCE
• Warm a saucepan on medium-low. Add 1 tablespoon unsalted butter and sauté garlic clove until golden, about 2 minutes.
• Add leek and sauté until soft, about 5 minutes.
• Turn up the heat to medium. Add vegetable stock, minced parsley, a *small pinch of sea salt, and freshly cracked pepper. Let this simmer another 5 minutes.
• Discard garlic, add fresh dill, stir and set aside.
SALMON FILLETS
• Heat 1 tablespoon olive oil in a frying pan on medium heat. Add 1 tablespoon butter. (Butter has protein, which will make the salmon crispy.)
• Put the salmon fillets in the butter skin-side down and cook for about 5 to 8 minutes. Watch the salmon; when you see it’s cooked halfway through, flip it over, and let it cook for another 1 to 3 minutes (until it’s sufficiently cooked—or uncooked—to your liking.) Take it off the heat.
*SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Slap down a handful of raw baby spinach on a plate, slide the salmon fillet over the top, and spoon on lots of leek sauce. Squirt with fresh lemon juice and shkoff while surfing PerezHilton.com.
Grocery List
• Unsalted butter (2 tablespoons)
• Garlic (1 clove, degermed and crushed)
• Leek (½, thinly sliced)
• Vegetable stock (1 cup)
• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (*handful, minced)
• S&P
• Fresh dill (handful, finely chopped)
• Extra virgin olive oil (1 tablespoon)
• Salmon fillets with skin (2)
• Baby spinach (2 handfuls)
• Fresh lemons (2)
Gear
• Saucepan
• Large frying pan
adventure
ONLINE DATING:
Here’s more proof that we’re better off alone than in the company of “dogralf.” These are all actual opening lines from real dating profiles. I left all spelling and grammatical errors intact …
Mac & Cheese is a staple of the single life. But while making Kraft Dinner out of a box can be a little depressing, this creamy homemade version will have you smiling that you don’t have to share one bite…. Gawd that’s cheesy.
Servings: 4
PASTA
• Boil fusilli pasta in salted water until half-cooked,about 6 to 7 minutes. (They’ll finish cooking in the oven.) Strain and set aside.
SAUCE
• Heat a saucepan on medium. Add 1 tablespoon unsalted butter and minced onion. Sauté until onions soften, about 8 minutes.
• Add milk, half & half, and bay leaf. Bring mixture to a slow boil, then turn the heat to medium-low. Throw in the cheddar, Swiss, and Fontina cheeses, and freshly cracked pepper. Stir until melted, then taste. If it needs salt, add some.
• Remove bay leaf.
BAKING
• Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease a baking dish with 1 tablespoon of unsalted butter.
• In a big bowl combine pasta and sauce; mix to coat every noodle. Pour into a baking dish and sprinkle liberally with bread crumbs.
• Bake for 40 minutes.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• There’s nothing to shkiaff together, just grab a spoon and dig in!
Grocery List
• Fusilli pasta (450g package.)
• Unsalted butter (2 tablespoons)
• Yellow onion (¼ cup, minced)
• Whole milk, 3.25% MF (1 cup)
• Half & half, 15% MF (1 cup)
• Bay leaf (1)
• Cheddar cheese, aged minimum 5 years (1 cup, grated)
• Swiss cheese (½ cup, grated)
• Fontina chees (½ cup, grated)
• S&P
• Bread crumbs
Gear
• Large pot
• Saucepan
• Medium-sized baking dish
• Large mixing, bowl
Ladies, we all know the story: You and your girlfriends are dressed to kill and head to the club. After a couple of cocktails, you scan the room for some sexy prey. You spot a potential victim, but just as you’re about to shoot him a killer-coy smile (or at least one of those smiles that you imagine to be killer-coy when you're tanked), you find yourself surrounded, yes, encircled by panting Losers. But when life gives you lemons, make lemonade … and get someone else to supply the tequila. See, Losers do have a use after all: free drinks.
By familiarizing yourself with the LOSER SPECIMEN GUIDE, you’ll be able to distinguish between different species of Losers, scan their personalities for weak spots, and ultimately “fish” a drink from them in less than three minutes—about the same amount of time you’d spend telling them to take a hike, but with a better return on emotional investment. Onward.
LOSER SPECIMEN GUIDE
This guide uses a five-point rating system, five being the easiest to fish for drinks.
THE MEDITERRANEAN 
This Loser wears too much hair gel and sports fashion from the early 90s. He speaks with an overbearing Italian accent even though his family immigrated to North America eons ago. He always owns a business of sorts and offers you work in one of his “bars.” The truth is, he’s a Crisco Casanova that still lives with his parents, but he likes to flash his (dad’s) cash, so …
He’s the easiest to fish. When he starts talking, just smile and tell him flat out, “Hey, buy me drink.” He’ll do it, I promise. This type believes he’s “the man,” and “the man” must buy a lady a drink. Done. And off you go.
THE ARTIST/FILMMAKER
This Loser hasn’t created anything but a turd, but he acts as if he’s some hotshot protégé. He wears dark clothing and has no tangible sense of style. He’s usually skinny and smiles as if he’s withholding a juicy secret. *Ma please!
This type is the most difficult to fish. The Artist considers himself a “neo–post modern man,” so he feels that he owes you nothing—after all, his obnoxious tone is a gift in itself! You have to flat-out lie to get this twit to purchase some pilsner. Ask him to buy the first round and you’ll get the second, and then top that of with “Isn’t that flm Delicatessen genius?!” Once the drinks arrive and you take one sip, you suddenly have to pee. End credits.
TACKY PARTY BOY
Tacky Party Boy is loud and easily identifiable by his trendy, cheap clothing. This Loser is usually tall and always has an entourage of shorter, Lower-Level Losers worshipping him. He speaks of popular DJs and after-hours parties. He has A.D.D. and stares around the room wildly. He also can be seen doing the intense “air-punch” dance.
All you have to do is dance around a bit and say, “Man, I love deep house, where’s the after-party?!” He’ll tell you where it’s at, then you say, “I’m so gonna be there, I can’t wait! But its only midnight, let’s get the party started right now! <enter giggles> You like shots?” Because he’s easily excitable and eager to prove to his sycophantic friends who the Alpha Party Animal is, he’ll have to buy the shots. Down ’em fast and you’re off to the dance floor … at another club.
THE OLDER, OUT-OF-PLACE BUSINESSMAN
He’s the only one wearing a tie and thinks highly of himself because he’s fourteen years older than everyone else in the club. Everything he “owns” he got on credit. This type played the market and lost everything in the tech stock crash. Since his life has crumbled and his wife left him, he’s on the prowl and looking to impress nubile young minds with his corporate camouflage.
On one hand, chicken-hawkers are used to paying for attention, so this makes them an easy fish. On the other hand, they don’t want to feel like their paying for attention, so you’ve got to make an effort to be subtle. Look bored and say, “I’m so tired of this scene, everyone is so immature …” Before he has time to respond, order two martinis and stare at him coquettishly, “So, what do you do?” Deal closed.
This guide covers the basics, but mind that there are so many types of Losers out there that it would be impossible to list them all … but they do have one thing in common—some money. So follow these simple guidelines and you'll never waste another minute (or dime) again. Remember: Why brush them off when you can shake them down? Cheers.
In my book this is the perfect spinach salad—literally. It combines tangy, sweet, salty, and spicy flavors. Whenever you’re making a salad, try to keep a balance of these four flavors in mind.
Servings: 1
DRESSING
• In a jar, combine canola oil, a few drops of toasted sesame oil, rice wine vinegar, brown sugar, soy sauce, Wasabi paste, and lots of freshly cracked pepper.
• Cover the jar and shake like hell to emulsify.
PEARS
• Heat the grill to high.
• Slice the Asian pears intoVWnch thick rings. Lightly brush the pears with maple syrup and grill for 1 to 2 minutes per side, until they get some good grill marks on them.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Throw the baby spinach, grilled pears, and scallions into a big bowl. Drizzle with dressing and top with chow mein noodles.
Grocery List
• Canola oil (1 tablespoon)
• Toasted sesame oil
• Rice wine vinegar (1 tablespoon)
• Brown sugar (1 tablespoon)
• Soy sauce (1 tablespoon)
• Wasabi paste (½ tablespoon)
• Freshly cracked pepper
• Asian pears (2)
• Real maple syrup
• Baby spinach (3 cups)
• Scallions (handful, thinly sliced)
• Chow mein noodles
Gear
• Jar with lid
• Grill (If you don’t have a grill, just slice up some fresh pears)
• Large mixing bowl
This salad is also great with oranges, mangos, grilled chicken, or a male stripper.
