CHAPTER. 2

One-Night-Stand Breakfasts

One-night stands may get a bad rap, but they’re essential. If it weren’t for the one-night stand, how would we know that binge drinking doesn’t reeeally count as a shared hobby? How would we know that a big nose means nothing more than buddy needs a nose-job? And at the end of the day, if it weren’t for the fruits of the one-night stand, most of us wouldn’t be here reading, or writing, this chapter.

As awkward as it may be to feed a one-night stand, it’s imperative to have breakfast with a new lover. It allows you to uncover the mysteries of his personality, like his hobbies … or his name. Breakfasts and one-night stands also have a lot in common: They’re both easy, but the challenge lies in getting them out while they’re still hot. So always start with the food that takes longest to cook.

Now granted, not every one-night stand deserves a good breakfast, but let’s optimize: It’s the morning after, and there’s a gorgeous man sleeping in your bed … and unless you’re a hungover straight guy, this is a good thing. So, let’s get cooking.

 

This breakfast is reserved for prime catches only—the hotties that have real (three-month) relationship potential. As the old Italian saying goes: Nothing says romance like big in the pants. (Hey, I said the saying was old, not classy.)

Servings: 2

HOME FRIES

• Wash and peel the potatoes. Cut them in half lengthwise, then slice into ¼-inch pieces.

• Heat 2 tablespoons of canola oil in a large frying pan on medium heat. Sauté potato slices for about 10 minutes.

• Add in onion, garlic, a *big pinch of paprika, and small pinches of chile flakes, sea salt, and pepper. Mix the ingredients together and fry for another 8 minutes. In the last few minutes of cooking turn up the heat to medium-high and press down on the potatoes to crisp them up.

• Add fresh parsley and stir to coat the potatoes. Remove from heat and cover to keep warm.

HAM

• Now it’s time for a sweet pork … side dish: Maple Ham.

• Heat a medium frying pan on medium-low. Add maple syrup and ham. Cook until warmed through, about 3 minutes.

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Grab a big plate, add a ton of home fries, a slice of ham, drizzle with hot maple syrup. Serve with ketchup, OJ, and your e-mail address on a napkin.

Grocery, List

• Potatoes (2)

• Canola oil

• Yellow onion (1, diced)

• Garlic (1 clove, degermed & minced)

• Paprika

• Crushed chile flakes

• S&P

• Fresh flat-leaf parley (¼ cup, finely chopped)

• Real maple syrup (¼ cup)

• Thick-sliced Black Forest ham (2 slices)

Year

• Large frying pan (preferably nonstick)

• Medium frying pan

Remember to play safe! I don’t have a recipe for Hepatitis Hash Browns. Although I do have one for Crab Cakes …

 

 

This breakfast may not be huge, but always remember that a smaller offering can compensate by being rich. Warning: You may be shocked when you see how much butter is needed to make a hollandaise sauce, but man is it ever good.

Servings: 2

SIMPLE HOLLANDAISE

• Heat a saucepan on medium-low and melt ½ cup of butter in it. Set aside.

• In a food processor, combine 4 egg yolks, juice of ½ a fresh lemon, a big pinch of dry mustard, big pinch of paprika, and small pinches of sea salt and freshly cracked pepper. Blend for a few seconds.

• Reheat the melted butter on medium until it just starts to sputter but not burn. Pour the melted butter into a gravy boat.

• Turn the food processor back on, and slowly add the hot butter. (Pour the butter in a slow, thin stream; if you dump in the hot butter too quickly, you’ll cook the eggs and end up with a curdled sauce.)

• Once this is done, remove food processor bowl and add chopped drained capers and lots of minced fresh dill; mix and then set aside.

THE BAGEL

• Heat a frying pan on medium. Add 1 teaspoon of butter and coat the bottom of the pan with it.

• Slice a fresh bagel in half. Place the bagel slices in the pan and crack an egg into the middle of each bagel hole. Cook for about 3 minutes. Flip it over and cook for 2 minutes more.

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Place the egg-bagel in the center of a plate, top with wild smoked salmon, and spoon on a generous amount of hollandaise. Sprinkle with chives.

Grocery List

• Unsalted butter (½ cup and 1 teaspoon)

• Eggs (6)

• Fresh lemon (1)

• Dry mustard

• Paprika

• S&P

• Capers (1 tablespoon, chopped and drained)

• Fresh dill (1 bunch, minced)

• Bagel (1)

• Wild smoked salmon (4 thick slices)

• Chives (1 bunch)

Gear

• Saucepan

• Food processor

• Gravy boat (or anything that has a pouring lip)

• Frying pan

 

 

This breakfast is reserved for the *scragglers, the ones you want out fast. Why make them breakfast in the first place? Two words: camera phone. The last thing you need is to be buddy’s vengeful Facebook trophy, so play it smooth.

Servings: 2

BLOOD ORANGE SALAD

• Peel blood oranges, separate into wedges, slice into bits, and place in a bowl. Drizzle with 1 to 2 tablespoons olive oil. Sprinkle with a small pinch of black lava salt. Mix to coat and set aside.

MOCHA

• Into a jar throw cocoa powder, brown sugar, and ¼ cup milk. Seal the jar and shake vigorously (approximately 1 to 2 minutes) until the liquid is smooth and there are no powdery cocoa balls floating around.

• Heat a small saucepan on medium-low. Add ¾ cup milk and the cocoa mixture. Stir and warm through. Don’t boil.

• Add two shots of espresso to each drinking bowl. Pour in the hot chocolate and sprinkle with cocoa powder (because you’re fancy like that.)

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Place the blood orange salad on one side of a large plate and top with toasted baguette slices (to sop up all of that precious orange oil). Place the mocha drinking bowl on the other side. Serve with a plastic smile and an urgent dentist appointment.

Grocery List

• Blood oranges (4)

• Extra virgin olive oil

• Black lava salt

• Cocoa powder (2 tablespoons)

• Brown sugar (2 heaping tablespoons)

• Whole milk, 3.25% MF (1 cup)

• Espresso coffee (4 shots)

• Crusty Baguette (1)

Gear

• Mixing bowl

• Small jar

• Saucepan

• Drinking bowls (2)

CYPRUS BLACK, LAVA SALT

Cyprus black lava salt is Mediterranean flake salt mixed with activated charcoal. The charcoal makes for a dramatic color and a mineral flavor. It also cleanses the body. But let it be known that no matter how much you sprinkle on, it will never, never, get rid of that dirty feeling deep inside.

Use it for simple salads, fish, foie gras, and spice rubs!

PINK, HIMALAYAN SALT

This tangy salt is made from crystals that were formed millions of years ago deep in the earth. The Himalayans use it for trading, and some even believe it has magical powers … But ever since I was bitten by a leprechaun I no longer believe in magic. A piece of me died that day.

It is perfect on sushi, carpaccio, and mild aged cheeses.

FLEUR DE SEL

Fleur de sel is a delicate sea salt with a surprising delicately salty flavor. It is made from hand-harvesting “young” crystals from evaporating sea water in France.

It brings out the best in caramel and chocolate desserts.