CHAPTER. 3
Anxiety Blasters
Anxiety is the plague of the Net Generation, kind of like smallpox, but more panicked and less itchy. Anxiety is no fun: the pressure on your chest, the sinking feeling in your stomach, the voices in your head that tell you to “Kill! Kill! Kill!” Nope, no fun at all.
I remember my first panic attack as clearly as the day I lost my virginity (okay, maybe a little clearer). There I was, eight years old, watching Spaceballs, when all of a sudden *tsaketa my heart starts palpitating wildly; the room implodes into blackness; speedy visions of fleshy, skinless creatures hijack my mind. They move so quickly! Their bloody, twitching muscles hurrying, rushing, skipping frames … hundreds of choppy, bleeding creatures, scuttling to get things done! But what things? WHAT THINGS?!!
Ahem.
These days a variety of things will trigger a panic attack: phone calls over twenty-six seconds, cotton balls, small children…. I know what you’re thinking, “That’s so sad, Nadia G will never experience the joy of holding a small cotton ball.” Silence. I’ve accepted it.
Although there’s no cure for anxiety, there are ways to alleviate the suffering. Social isolation, rabid outbursts, and mentally pummeling yourself into a fetal position are some of my favorite techniques. Robust meals will also help, because there’s nothing like a belly full of carbs to just knock you the fuck out.
Okay! So, if you’re dealing with anxiety, this chapter is for you! These recipes will soothe your shriveled soul, plus they practically make themselves, so you can spend even more time in front of your computer researching lung disease…. On to the recipes.
For the longest time I suspected my panic attacks were due to rockin’ too hard, so I cleaned up my act, and surprise surprise … Life still sucks!
This recipe comes from my paternal grandmother, Nonna Teresa. When I was a kid I’d go nuts over these croquettes! But there was a downside. To eat them I had to go over to her house, and her living room used to creep me out. She had these “decorative” rubber lizards everywhere, their mouths filled with little, sharp, plastic teeth. As a young girl I didn’t really know what to make of the lizards. Hell, I still don’t know what to make of those lizards.
Servings: 4
POTATO MIXTURE
• Slice potatoes into chunks. Place them in a large pot of salted water, boil about 15 minutes until fork-tender, and then drain.
• In a frying pan, heat 1 teaspoon of olive oil on medium heat. Add garlic clove and sauté 2 minutes until golden. Set aside.
• In a big bowl combine the cooked potatoes with grated parmesan, the sautéed garlic and the oil from the pan, parsley, a small pinch of sea salt, and freshly cracked pepper. Roughly mash it all together and let cool in the fridge for 30 minutes to 1 hour.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Once the mash has cooled, roll a bunch of croquettes into any shape you like. (I usually roll them up into ½-inch thick fingers.)
• Beat the eggs in a bowl. Dip the croquettes in the eggs and then coat/roll them in the Italian-seasoned bread crumbs.
• In a large frying pan, heat ¼-inch of olive oil over medium heat. Throw in a small pinch of bread crumbs to test the temperature. When the tester crumbs start sizzling fast, it’s time to get cracking.
• Gently place the croquettes in the oil. Roll them around for a few seconds until the breadcrumbs are golden all over, and they’re done.
• Place the fried croquettes on a paper towel to get rid of excess oil and shkoff immediately until placated.
Grocery List
• Russet potatoes (4, large)
• Garlic (1 clove., degermed and minced)
• Extra virgin olive oil (1 teaspoon plus more for frying)
• Parmigiano Reggiano (½ cup, grated)
• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (½ cup, minced)
• S&P
• Eggs (3)
• Italian-seasoned bread crumbs
Gear
• Large pot
• Medium-sized frying pan
• Large mixing bowl
• Large frying pan
Fun Facts
Did you know that the carbohydrates in potatoes act as a tranquilizer by increasing the amount of serotonin in your brain … and that I used to dissect live ants when I was six years old?
Spaghetti alla Puttanesca means “spaghetti the way a whore would make it.” Let me explain…
Back in the 1950s, Italy was rife with legal brothels. To prevent squabbles between the housewives and hos (hey, this was before reality TV), the prostitutes were only allowed to shop at the local market once a week, so whatever they bought had to last. That’s why this recipe is made up of preserves… and slutty goodness. Preserves not only prevent virgin/whore beat downs, but they also cater to the anxiety-ridden agoraphobic in you! Good times.
Servings: 4
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Boil spaghetti in salted water until almost al dente (about 8 minutes). The pasta will finish cooking in the sauce. Strain.
• Cut cherry tomatoes in half. Mash 6 anchovy fillets with a fork. Roughly chop capers. Pit and chop the kalamata olives. Degerm and mince garlic. Set ingredients aside.
• Heat a large pan on medium and add olive oil, minced garlic, and a small pinch of hot chile flakes. Fry garlic for 2 minutes until golden.
• Add mashed anchovy fillets. Stir and sauté for 30 seconds.
• Throw in the cherry tomatoes. Turn the heat down to medium-low, stir and sauté for about 10 more minutes, until tomatoes begin to create a light sauce.Then add chopped capers, 1 heaping tablespoon chopped kalamata olives, a small pinch of brown sugar, a small pinch of sea salt if needed (usually this sauce is salty enough because of the anchovies), and freshly cracked pepper to taste. Stir.
• Add the strained pasta to the sauce.
• Sprinkle pasta with a small pinch of fresh minced parsley. Mix well with tongs until pasta finishes cooking al dente, about 5 more minutes.
Grocery List
• Spaghetti (1 package, 450g)
• Sweet cherry tomatoes (26)
• Anchovy fillets (1 can)
• Capers (1 heaping tablespoon)
• Kalamata olives (10)
• Garlic (1 clove)
• Extra virgin olive oil (4 tablespoons)
• Hot chile flakes
• Brown sugar
• S&P
• Fresh flat-leaf parsley
Gear
• Big pot
• Large pan
• Tongs
This recipe isn’t exactly quick, but when you’re freaking out it helps to stay busy and keep your mind off of that strange growth near your armpit. (Is it cancerous? Are you sick? Because if you’re sick you’ll lose your job, and if you lose your job, you can’t pay your bills, and if you can’t pay your bills, you’ll end up homeless, and if you’re homeless, no one will ever love you, and if no one loves you, you’ll die alone … stinky and alone … all because of that growth … or zit.)
Servings: 4–6
CROUTONS
• Preheat oven at 350°F.
• Slice baguette into 1-inch cubes. Degerm and mince garlic. Ina jar combine the garlic and 3 tablespoons olive oil; cover and shake well.
• Brush garlic-olive oil on all sides of the bread cubes. Place bread cubes on a baking sheet and bake 20 to 25 minutes, until crispy and crunchy.
CARAMELIZED ONIONS
• Place a large soup pot over medium heat and add 3 tablespoons olive oil, red onion slices, and a small pinch of sea salt. Stir to separate rings and coat with oil.
• Once the onions become translucent, turn the heat down to medium-low and caramelize the onions by sautéing them for 30 minutes, stirring often so all sides get browned. Don’t skimp on the caramelization—be patient. You’ll know they’re done once they’re reduced to half their original size and are dark brown, very soft, and sweet.
• Deglaze the pot with the dry red wine. Add beef stock, a big pinch of thyme, and a bay leaf. Stir and simmer for 30 minutes.
• Then add cognac, rinsed lentils, and a small pinch of sea salt and freshly cracked pepper. Remove bay leaf and simmer for 5 more minutes.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Ladle the soup into 4 stoneware bowls.Top each with a layer of croutons and sprinkle with lots of grated Gruyère cheese. Broil in the oven until the cheese is golden brown and bubbling, about 10 minutes.
Grocery List
• Whole grain baguette (1)
• Garlic (1 clove)
• Extra virgin olive oil (6 tablespoons plus a little extra)
• Red onions (4, sliced ¼-inch thick)
• S&P
• Dry red wine (½ cup)
• Beef stock (5 cups)
• Dried thyme
• Bay leaf
• Cognac (¼ cup)
• Lentils (2 cups, rinsed)
• Gruyère cheese (1 cup)
• Unsalted butter
Gear
• Jar
• Large baking sheet
• Large soup pot
• 4 oven-safe stoneware soup bowls