CHAPTER. 5

BAG ’EM TAG ’EM MEALS

I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe that there’s love out there for everyone … who’s good-looking. And if you’re lucky enough to meet that special someone, you’ve got to make sure that they don’t get away! But since chloroform is illegal, harsh on the palate, and surprisingly expensive, this chapter is devoted to a culinary approach.

You know you got it bad when you spend eight hours on a “casual” e-mail, or you Photoshop pics to see what your kids would look like (so what if Junior looks like an angry mongoose, he’s yours and that’s what matters!). You’ve even stalked them online to the point that Google sent you a restraining order. If you have any of these symptoms, it’s time to go in for the kill, or make ’em a home-cooked meal … semantics.

Now I warn you: The following meals are potent, and you should only serve them if you’re 100 percent sure that this person’s “the one” (for a while).

When assessing if they’re “the one,” never mind lengthy discussions about values or goals; that takes too much energy! The surest way to know if you’ve got a keeper is to sniff their armpit. Oh, I’m serious. Take a nice big whiff. If you love what you smell, BINGO! If it stinks, chances are their genes are nastier than a pair of low-rises on Grandma.

 

 

Lock Down French Toast is all about choosing the right bread—one that complements your lover’s personality. If they’re athletic, use multigrain. Head over heels for an artist? A flaky-ass croissant is an excellent choice. In the groove with a hippie? A violent baguette beating is the only friggin’ answer.

Servings: 2

EGG MIXTURE

• In a bowl beat together eggs, the seeds of ½ a vanilla bean (slice the bean open length-wise and scrape out the seeds with your knife), a big pinch of brown sugar, a splash of milk, and a small pinch of salt.

• Slice 4 pieces of bread 1-inch thick. Drown in egg mixture.

BREAD

• Melt 1 tablespoon of butter in a large pan on medium heat. Fry bread until golden brown on both sides (about 3 to 5 minutes per side).

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Grab a nice big plate and pile the French toast high. Throw on a bunch of fresh raspberries, some toasted walnuts, and serve with a shot glass of maple syrup.

You want your presentation to be simple and slick. See, you’ve already compromised your cool by serving breakfast in bed, so don’t get too cutesy or they’ll run for the door. No flowers, no heart-shaped syrup trails, and definitely no I LOVE YOU scrawled in strawberry juice with a big knife stabbed into the heart of it. Trust me: That one just doesn’t work.

Grocery List

• Eggs (4)

• Vanilla bean (1)

• Brown sugar

• Milk (¼ cup)

• Sea salt

• Bread of your choice (4 thick slices)

• Unsalted butter (1 tablespoon)

• Raspberries (1 cup)

• Toasted walnuts (½ cup)

• Maple syrup

Gear

• Medium-sized mixing bowl

• Large frying pan

If this breakfast doesn’t get ’em hooked, screw ’em! They’re not worth the syrup! (Or at least that’s what my editor wants me to say, Chubs.)

 

 

People just can’t resist someone who makes them homemade chicken soup. Subconsciously, it reminds them of everything that’s safe and good in the world (even if you’re neither). At the first sign of a sniffle, cook up a hearty pot of Mom’s Chicken Soup for your loved one, and consider it game over.

Servings: 4–6

CHICKEN STOCK

• In a stockpot, heat olive oil on medium heat. Add garlic cloves and sauté for 2 minutes until golden.

• Add onion and sauté for 8 minutes, until onions are translucent.

• Hack the whole chicken into pieces to expose the bones. Throw chicken pieces into the stockpot along with additional chicken bones.

• Add celery ribs and carrots and cover the massacre with water.

• Drop in chopped celery leaves and parsley. Let simmer, covered, on medium-low heat for a minimum of 3 hours.

• Strain the broth through a cheesecloth to remove all the nasty bits: the skin, the bones, the scum … especially the skin. (The skin is the worst … the way it floats around like that.)

• Reserve good chicken meat, discard everything else in the cheesecloth.

• Refrigerate broth overnight. The next day, remove solidified fat.

At this point you’ve got bona fide homemade chicken stock, aka liquid gold. You can choose to use it all for this chicken soup, or freeze a portion for future use. This recipe yields about 6 cups of stock.

CHICKEN SOUP

• Pour the broth into a pot and add whatever you want. I like to use potatoes, carrots, hand-picked chicken meat, and sea salt and freshly cracked pepper to taste.

• Simmer for another 30 minutes, until the vegetables are fork-tender.

Grocery List

• Extra virgin olive oil (3 tablespoons)

• Garlic (6 cloves, crushed & degermed)

• Large red onions (2, chopped)

• Whole chicken (gutted)

• Chicken bones (1 pound)

• Celery ribs (3, quartered)

• Carrots (3, quartered)

• Celery leaves (½ cup, chopped)

• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (½ cup, chopped)

• New potatoes (halved)

• Carrots (halved)

• Chicken meat (hand-picked)

• S&P

Gear

• Large stock pot

• Cheesecloth

If you want to get fancy, quickly stir in a beaten egg during the last minute of simmering, using a fork. This will make a “Stracciatella” soup. (Italian eggdrop soup.)

 

 

I credit my Mom for this recipe. She would only make it on special occasions and had my whole family addicted to it. My aunts and cousins would call at least two times a week begging and bartering family gossip just to get another hit.

Servings: 4

SAUCE

• Heat 2 tablespoons unsalted butter in a saucepan on medium heat. Add garlic and sauté for 2 minutes until golden.

• Add cherry tomatoes, and a small pinch each of the hot chile fakes, salt, and brown sugar. Sauté the tomatoes until they get soft and release their juice, about 5 to 8 minutes.

• Then add half & half and fresh parsley. Bring mixture to a slow boil over medium heat; the second it starts to boil, turn down heat to medium-low.

• Throw in tiger shrimp, 2 heaping tablespoons of freshly grated parmesan, and sea salt and freshly cracked pepper to taste (be careful with the salt, Parmesan is already very salty.)

• Stir and simmer for 5 more minutes, then take off the heat.

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Boil some egg-based fettuccine in salted water until al dente. Strain and dump into a large mixing bowl. Add a ladleful of sauce, mix to coat. Top plated portions of pasta with 2 to 3 tablespoons of sauce and some shrimp. Serve with lots of freshly grated Parmesan.

Grocery List

• Unsalted butter (2 tablespoons)

• Garlic (1 clove, degermed and minced)

• Sweet cherry tomatoes (20, sliced in half)

• Hot chile flakes

• S&P

• Brown sugar

• Half & half, 15% MF (2 cups)

• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (handful, finely chopped)

• Jumbo tiger shrimp (10, deveined)

• Parmigiano Reggiano (freshly grated, ¼ cup)

• Egg-based fettuccine (500g)

Gear

• Saucepan

• Large pot

• Large mixing bowl