CHAPTER. 6
Impress the In-laws
You may be expecting a bunch of clichéd, disparaging remarks about in-laws in this chapter, but personally, I’ve never had a problem with them. Then again, I’ve dated a lot of “Johnny Blenders” who wear more mascara than I do, so I think these parents were just happy that their son was dating a chick. Anyway, meeting your lover’s parents for the first time is always uncomfortable, so here are a few tricks to help ease the pain …
• Invite them over to your place for dinner. Get your in-laws out of their comfort zone and onto your turf. By playing the gracious hostess you’re in a position of power, and as guests they can’t badger you.
• Bamboozle them with a succulent meal. See, you may think your in-laws are difficult, but subconsciously parents only care about one thing: whether their children are eating enough. My mom calls me at least once a day asking, “Did you eat? … When did you eat? … What did you eat? … Are you sure you ate? … When are you coming over to eat? … Nadia, I never see you no more, why you abandon the family?!” Good Gawd, Ma! The point is: This meal will prove that their precious baby is getting fed.
• Pair an exquisite wine with each course. Not only does this show class, it also shows them the door, as they tiredly down bottle number three, placated and happily stuffed. (You may want to disregard this step if self-control isn’t your forte and you have a tendency to tell this “really funny joke about a nun, two sheep, and a horny bus driver.”)
In the next few pages I’ll dish out a dazzling three-course dinner and *Hans will give you the goods on rare organic wines that’ll surprise. No really, the fact that he can describe these wines surprises me. So hide your “toys,” mop that floor, and go all out with this meal because the earlier you suck in your in-laws, the better. Seriously, it’s imperative to win them over because their disapproval could totally sabotage your relationship. My mom has given many a boyfriend the evil eye, and that seed of doubt opens a pandora’s box that ultimately ends with Johnny Blender getting the boot. Plus, once you’re “in” you’ll forever benefit from *all kinds of precious family stuff, like free babysitting, weekly care packages … and their inheritance.
Round 1: Distraction
This punchy mix of bright red berries, crunchy sweet pecans, and tart white balsamic will stave off weather-related niceties for at least another fifteen minutes, guaranteed.
Servings: 4
CANDIED PECANS
• Preheat oven to 300°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
• In a medium-sized mixing bowl beat 2 egg whites.Then add raw pecans, ¼ cup brown sugar, and sea salt. Mix with your hands until all pecans are evenly coated.
• Arrange pecans in a single layer on the baking sheet and bake for 30 minutes. Cool on a wire rack.
DRESSING
• Into a jar add olive oil, balsamic, 1 heaping teaspoon brown sugar, and a small pinch of sea salt and freshly cracked white pepper. Close lid and shake until thick.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• In a big bowl combine mesclun greens, strawberries, and 4 tablespoons of the dressing. Mix well to coat.
• Place a cup of salad in the center of each plate. Throw on a generous handful of candied pecans. If you want to get really fancy, puree some strawberries with a big pinch of brown sugar and dot the side of the plate with it. Serve with a glass of crisp Rose wine.
Grocery List
• Eggs (2)
• Raw pecans (2 cups)
• Brown sugar (¼ cup plus 1 heaping teaspoon)
• Sea salt (½ tablespoon plus a pinch)
• Extra virgin olive oil (3 tablespoons)
• White balsamic vinegar, aged minimum 7 years (2 tablespoons)
• Freshly cracked white peppercorns
• Mesclun greens (6 cups)
• Strawberries (halved, 2 cups)
• Crisp Rose wine (pompous recommendation: Fiumeseccu Rose 2006.)
Gear
• Parchment paper
• Baking sheet
• Medium mixing bowl
• Wire rack
• Jar with lid
• Large mixing bowl
Round 2: Sedation
This creamy, earthy pasta will have your in-laws asking for seconds … but a second helping of a dish this rich will put them in a carb-induced coma. Bring it on.
Servings: 4
MUSHROOMS
• Heat butter in a frying pan on medium heat, then add Portobello mushrooms, garlic, and a small pinch of sea salt and freshly cracked white pepper. Sauté for 10 minutes, discard garlic, strain juice, and set aside.
GORGONZOLA SAUCE
• Heat a large saucepan on medium and add half & half, Gorgonzola,a small pinch of sea salt, and freshly cracked white pepper to taste. Stir until cheese melts and sauce begins to simmer, about 10 minutes.
• Lower the heat, delicately spoon in the ’shrooms, and stir twice—no more! You don’t want to stain the sauce. Cover and remove from heat.
PASTA
• Boil bow tie pasta in salted water until al dente. Strain.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• In a big bowl mix 4 cups of pasta with a ladleful of gorgonzola sauce. Place about 1 cup of pasta on each plate. Add 2 to 3 tablespoons sauce and lots of Portobello chunks. Serve with a full-bodied amber wine.
Grocery List
• Unsalted butter (1 tablespoon)
• Portobello mushrooms (3, cut into bite-sized chunks)
• Garlic (1 clove, degermed and crushed)
• S&P
• Half & half 15%MF (2 cups)
• Crumbled Gorgonzola cheese (⅓ cup)
• Bow tie pasta (1 package, 450g)
• Full-bodied amber wine (pompous recommendation: Oslavje 2002)
Gear
• Medium frying pan
• Large saucepan
• Large pot
Round 3: TKO
After a big meal like this one, your in-laws will appreciate a light, fruity dessert. (And you’ll appreciate how the port wine will have them calling a cab in no time.)
Servings: 4
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Pit peaches and slice into quarters. Impale the quarters from one peach onto a skewer, repeat for 3 more portions.
• Pour 1 to 2 ounces of aged port into each wine glass and drop a peach skewer in each.
• Serve with a square of dark chocolate on the side.
Grocery List
• Ripe peaches (4)
• Aged Port wine (pompous recommendation: Domaine Des Schistes Maury 2004)
• Dark chocolate, 65% cacao (1 bar of your favorite)
Gear
• Skewers (4)
• Large wine glasses (4)
