CHAPTER. 8
Make-up Soups
everybody makes mistakes. So maybe porn wasn’t the best Valentine’s Day present. Or maybe flying into a drunken rage isn’t considered a cool party trick anymore. Pfft. That’s okay! Because nothing says “Sorry for the syphilis” like a hot, rich bowl of homemade soup!
This chapter is devoted to soup because it’s the best way to say you’re sorry. Anyone can buy flowers! But within a soup you’ve got effort, love … and depending on what you did wrong, maybe even a little bit of Valium.
Make sure you take the time to make the stocks from scratch. Hey, your victim deserves a little extra love. Plus, you always need stock for other recipes, so it’s win-win. As the old Italian saying goes: “Prosciutto is best kept in the cold room, otherwise it gets too warm.” Think about it.
THE WORST THING I’VE EVER DONE
Come up with that stupid “Nadmit” title.
THE 2ND WORST THING I’VE EVER DONE: I once got sick of a boyfriend (he had this annoying habit of breathing.) Anyways, I decided that it would be easier to cheat on him than to break up. But since we worked together and shared a central e-mail in-box, I needed a more low-profile way to communicate with hot prospects. So I created a secret Hotmail account. One day he used my computer to innocently check his Hotmail and the login box read:
Username: NadiaGfromTheClub@hotmail.com
Man, did I ever learn a big lesson that day … always clear your cache.
Minestrone is an Italian vegetable soup, so feel free to add whatever vegetables you like. In my version we’ll highlight the crisp flavor of deep-seeded regret … now that’s good stuff!
Servings: 4–6
• Heat olive oil in a soup pot on medium.
• Finely chop the onion (remember to stand real close to the onion, it’ll give you that teary-eyed look) and throw it in the pot. Add in the carrots, celery, potato cubes, a small pinch of sea salt, and freshly cracked pepper to taste. Sauté 10 minutes.
• Pour in the homemade chicken stock, add cherry tomatoes, and a big pinch of Greek oregano. Simmer 20 minutes.
• Add zucchinis and cannellini beans. Simmer another 15 minutes.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Take the soup off the heat, and I’ll show you how to get your ass off the burner through sweet presentation. Use a big bowl, because the more they eat, the less they complain. Add a dollop of pesto in the center, sprinkle with Parmesan cheese, and serve with crusty Italian bread. Try and make the ambience gentle and relaxing: tea lights, soft music, a happy ending.
Grocery List
• Extra virgin olive oil (2 tablespoons)
• Large onion (1)
• Carrots (2, thinly sliced)
• Celery (2 ribs, thinly sliced)
• Large potato (1, cut into ½-inch cubes)
• S&P
• Homemade chicken stock, see recipe on page 39 (6 cups)
• Sweet cherry tomatoes (10, cut in half)
• Dried Greek oregano
• Zucchinis (2, thinly sliced)
• Cannellini beans (450g can)
• Pesto, see recipe on page 77. (½ teaspoon)
• Parmigiano Reggiano
• Crusty Italian bread
Gear
• Soup pot
5 TRICKS TO LOOK REMORSEFUL
1. As they vent, squint your eyes and nod your head a lot. This makes you look like you’re really listening and not thinking about those over-priced cherry red heels you want.
2. At intervals sigh deeply, tighten your lips and then gaze off to the side. Stare top-left and it looks like you’re asking God to save your wretched soul. Stare bottom-left, and tsaketa!, you’ve got instant shame. Alternate. If you shake your head while you do this, you’ll get even more points.
3. Don’t try to explain yourself, just say “I know.” The less you talk, the less you incriminate yourself. Just agree with whatever they say.
4. Buy them something expensive. Money may not buy love, but it can buy forgiveness. If you’re broke, you can always make them something by hand, and then add “cheap-ass” to your list of things to apologize for.
5. Swear on your life that you’ll never do it again (until next time).
This is one of my favorite soups. One whiff of this and you’ll have your loved one saying, “Affair? Schmaffair … now pass the cheddar!”
Servings: 4–6
PREP
• Soak the chipotle pepper in water for a few hours to reconstitute.
• Seed and chop the pepper.
SOUP BASE
• In a soup pot, heat olive oil on medium heat. Then add chopped onion and chopped chipotle pepper. Sauté for 5 minutes.
• Turn the heat to medium-low and add homemade chicken stock, roasted cherry tomatoes, a sprig of fresh epazote, cumin, and sea salt, and freshly cracked pepper to taste. Stir and simmer for 30 minutes, then discard epazote sprig.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Ladle the soup into serving bowls. Add ripe avocado slices and sprinkle with fine aged cheddar.Then top with a mound of crispy tortilla strips.
Grocery List
• Dried chipotle pepper (1)
• Extra virgin olive oil (1 tablespoon)
• Small white onion (1, chopped)
• Homemade chicken stock, see recipe on page 39 (6 cups)
• Roasted cherry tomatoes, see recipe on page 167.
• Fresh epazote (1 sprig)
• Cumin
• S&P
• Avocado (1)
• Aged cheddar, minimum 5 years old
• Fried tortilla strips
Gear
• Soup pot
• Shallow baking dish
Who can stay angry at someone who makes them a bowl of creamy homemade clam chowder? The lactose-intolerent, maybe. But those people are like vegans, they don’t count.
Servings: 4–6
• Heat a soup pot over medium heat. Add bacon strips and fry until crisp. Place bacon on paper towels to absorb excess oil and set aside. Keep the bacon grease in the pot.
• To the bacon grease add diced yellow onion and sauté until soft, about 8 minutes. Add potato cubes and clam juice. Reduce heat to low and simmer 15 minutes, until potatoes are tender.
• Stir in whole milk and heavy cream. The minute it looks like it’s going to boil, turn the heat down to low.
• Then add clam meat and pinches of sea salt and freshly cracked pepper. Stir and let clam meat warm through, about 5 to 8 minutes.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Ladle soup into bowls. Sprinkle with a handful of minced fresh parsley and crumble the bacon on top. Serve with thick slices of crusty bread.
Grocery List
• Canadian bacon (8 strips)
• Yellow onion (2, diced)
• Yukon Gold potato (2, chopped into ½-inch cubes)
• All-natural clam juice (1 cup)
• Whole milk, 3.25% MF (2 cups)
• Heavy Cream, 35% MF (2 cups)
• All-natural baby clam meat (2 cups)
• S&P
• Fresh parsley (1 bunch)
• Crusty bread
Gear
• Soup pot
