CHAPTER. 9

HALLOWEEN HOOTENANNY

Some people just don’t get Halloween. “I’m too mature to dress up! I’m too mature to throw eggs at the homeless!” WHATEVER! These people have no spirit.

I don’t care what anyone says, Halloween is scary. Computer nerds puffed up in pimp costumes, sloppy chicks in cheap bunny suits, and that I-couldn’t-think-of-a-costume confused guy in pajamas and smeared lipstick. And the horror doesn’t stop there, oh no! Halloween means winter’s coming, so the desperate need for a warm body may just have you hooking up with pajama boy … now that’s truly terrifying.

Every year I throw a kick-ass Halloween party, and this year you’re invited … to read about how I prepare it.

The first thing you need when you’re throwing a Halloween party is a good costume, and rentals are definitely the way to go. Buying a one-off is simply a waste of cash … unless you have ulterior motives for a latex nun’s suit. The second thing you want to do is decorate, and it doesn’t take much to turn your home into a nightmarish crypt: a couple of black candles, some bloodstained sheets, a screeching soundtrack of Rachael Ray’s laughter… and finally, you need some scary treats!

 

 

Nothing says Halloween like these suckers. They don’t sacrifice taste for terror, plus you’ll get a good laugh from your guests

Servings: 8

BOCCONCINI EYEBALLS

• Slice green olives into ¼-inch disks. Place an olive disk in the center of a bocconcino and trace around it with a sharp paring knife. Carve out a ½-inch chunk of cheese from the outline and pop in the olive disk.

• Wrap a slice of fleshy prosciutto around the bocconcini eyeball. Look proudly upon your creation and repeat with the rest of the bocconcini.

ITALIAN BLOOD SALSA

• Pour whole can of San Marzano tomatoes into a bowl, then add olive oil, aged balsamic vinegar, garlic, red onion, parsley, basil, a big pinch of dried Greek oregano, a small pinch of hot chile flakes, 2 big pinches of salt, 3 big pinches of sugar, and lots of freshly cracked pepper.

• Squish all ingredients together with your bare hands to mix; set aside.

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Divide eyeballs into pairs, slap onto individual plates, and add a couple of tablespoons of salsa to each. Serve with crostini.

Grocery List

• Large green olives stuffed with pimento (8)

• Bocconcini cheese balls (16)

• Prosciutto di Parma (nitrate free) (8 slices)

• Whole San Marzano tomatoes (796 ml can)

• Extra virgin olive oil (3 tablespoons)

• Aged balsamic vinegar (1 teaspoon)

• Garlic (2 cloves, degermed and minced)

• Red onion (1, minced)

• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (handful, finely chopped)

• Fresh basil (handful, finely chopped)

• Dried Greek oregano

• Hot chile flakes

• Brown sugar

• S&P

• Crostini

Gear

• Paring knife

• Medium-sized mixing bowl

 

 

 

This sandwich is so pretty … um, I mean petrifying.

Servings: 8

PESTO

• Into a food processor throw fresh basil, grated parmesan, garlic, and toasted pine nuts. (To toast nuts: Heat them in a dry pan on medium-high for 8 to 10 minutes, stirring often. When they begin to turn a golden brown take them out of the pan.) While processing, add olive oil in a steady stream until smooth. Set aside.

SANDWICHES

• Cut the pumpernickel bread into ½-inch slices, then into coffin shapes.

• On each slice of bread, stack a layer of mayo, a layer of pesto, a sprinkling of toasted almonds, some Alfalfa sprouts, a layer of sliced McIntosh apples, and some crumbled cheddar.

• Place another coffin-shaped bread slice on top and repeat for another layer. Top off with a final coffin slice.

Grocery List

• Fresh basil (2 packed cups)

• Parmigiano Reggiano (½ cup, grated)

• Garlic (1 clove, degermed)

• Pine nuts (¼ cup)

• Extra virgin olive oil (½ cup)

• Pumpernickel bread (1 large loaf)

• Mayonnaise

• Almond slivers (1 cup)

• Alfalfa sprouts (2 cups)

• McIntosh apples (8, sliced)

• Aged cheddar, minimum 5 years old (2 cups)

Gear

• Food processor

• Medium-sized frying pan

You can also replace the cheddar with creamy brie cheese, and the apples with crisp cucumbers. Enjoy this sandwich anytime—minus the coffin-shaped bread. Unless you’re a Goth … then you can just get a life.

 

 

I’m not a fan of sweet drinks, so this recipe for sangria is quite dry. Give it a shot. If you prefer it sweeter, you know what to do … stay away from the girly drinks and grow some freakin’ hair on your chest.

Servings: 10 glasses

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• The night before the party, fill a few latex gloves with some fltered water, tie them up like you would a balloon and freeze overnight.

• In a big punch bowl combine red wine, sparkling water, orange juice, brandy, brown sugar, fruit slices, and sour cherry syrup.

• Stir and add one frozen ice-hand, latex glove removed.

Grocery List

• Latex gloves

• Filtered water

• Dry red wine (2 bottles)

• Sparkling water (3 cups)

• Freshly squeezed orange juice (3 cups)

• Brandy or Cointreau (3 ounces)

• Brown sugar (3 heaping teaspoons)

• Fresh oranges (2, thinly sliced)

• Fresh pink grapefruit (2, thinly sliced)

• Fresh lemons (2, thinly sliced)

• Fresh limes (2, thinly sliced)

• Natural sour cherries in syrup (350g jar)

Gear

• Big punch bowl