CHAPTER. 10
PMSCAPADES
When I’m PMS-ing I crave the combination of sweet and salty. Now I’m not talking about a measly peanut butter cup or two, I’m talking hardcore: chips smothered in Swedish chocolate fondue, hot banana curries, fleur de sel caramel drizzled onto fine French cheeses … you get the idea. This chapter is for the very adventurous, or the very bloated.
Besides getting a little crazy in the sweet/savory department, I also get a wee bit sentimental. Music will make me cry, and not particularly sappy tunes either. If you’re ever driving around the LA area and hear someone sobbing loudly in her car to The Cramps, it’s me, and it’s mid-month. Believe it or not I also get aggressive. I’ve been kicked out of many a bar—Oh wait, that’s just because I’m an asshole when I’m drunk.
Anyhoo … when you’re hormonally taxed, give yourself a break. Eat what you want, abuse whomever you please. They’ll forgive you … hey, you’re PMS-ing! Just flash them your badge and remember to carry it with pride (and rage and sadness and exaggerated empathy and jogging pants)!
Why the sweet and salty cravings? The hormonal riptides of PMS squash the production of “happy chemical” serotonin in your brain. One way you can produce serotonin is by eating carbs, and that’s where these cravings come from. But some doctors claim that “you don’t have to eat chocolate or potato chips to do that any more than you need to drink champagne to satisfy your thirst.”
Pfft. They know nothing of my thirst.
They also recommend trying healthy snacks such as “tuna on a piece of rye crisp.” Hehe. Try offering a tuna crisp to your girlfriend when she’s PMSing and see what happens … no really, try it.
Servings: 1 massive, dirty shkoff-fest
FONDUE
• Place a double boiler over medium-low heat and combine Toblerone, dark chocolate, and whipping cream. Stir until melted.
• Rip open the bags of chips and pretzels and dip them in the creamy fondue. Make sure you get lots of chocolatey crumbs all over your face and pajamas; this way you can really feel sorry for yourself afterward.
Grocery List
• Toblerone, or any high-end Swedish honey-nougat milk chocolate (2 cups, roughly chopped)
• Dark bittersweet chocolate (½ cup)
• Whipping cream, 35%MF (½ cup)
• Muncho chips (1 big bag)
• Pretzels (1 big bag)
Gear
• Double boiler (or a pot and a large, thick plastic mixing bowl)
Crunchy almonds, tender chicken pieces, tart raisins, smothered in a… Bah, who am I: Giada De Laurentiis?! Fuck it. This curry rocks hard.
Servings: 4
• Marinate the chicken breasts for 24 hours.
CURRY SPICE
• Heat a small, dry pan over medium heat. Then add hot curry powder. Stir often, until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Set aside.
TOASTED ALMONDS
• Add slivered almonds to another dry pan over medium-high heat. Keep stirring until the nuts become golden in color, about 7 to 10 minutes. (Always watch nuts carefully when you’re toasting them, because they go from tasty to burnt in a split-second.)
• Once they toast, remove nuts from the pan (or they’ll keep toasting and burn.) Set aside.
CHICKEN
• Heat olive oil in a large frying pan over medium heat. Add garlic cloves and sauté for 2 minutes until golden.
• Throw in the finely chopped onions and sauté for 8 minutes more. Remove onions and garlic and set aside, reserving the oil.
• Wipe down the marinated chicken and cut into bite-size pieces. Pour some flour on a plate. Add a big pinch of salt and freshly cracked pepper. Mix. Toss chicken pieces in flour to lightly coat.
• Fry chicken on medium heat in the same pan/oil as you cooked the onions, until golden brown on all sides, about 10 minutes. Set aside.
CURRY SAUCE
• Heat a large saucepan over medium heat. Add water, the toasted curry spice, brown sugar, turmeric, the juice of 1 large lemon, hot mango chutney, raisins, and the toasted almond slivers. Stir and bring to a simmer.
THICKENER
• In a measuring cup combine homemade chicken stock and 2 tablespoons flour.
• Mix well.
• Pass liquid through a sieve to remove any flour chunks. Add to the curry sauce and mix well.
• Turn the heat down to medium-low and to the curry sauce add the sautéed onions and garlic, the crisped chicken, and sea salt and freshly cracked pepper to taste. Cook for 30 minutes.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Ladle some chicken curry on a plate and shkoff with sliced ripe bananas, sweet shredded coconut, hot mango chutney, and raisins.
Grocery List
• Chicken breasts (2)
• Chicken marinade, see recipe on page 115
• Hot curry powder (2 tablespoons)
• Slivered almonds (½ cup)
• Extra virgin olive oil (2 tablespoons)
• Garlic (2 cloves, degermed and crushed)
• Large onions (2, finely chopped)
• Flour
• S&P
• Water (1½ cups)
• Brown sugar (2 tablespoons)
• Turmeric (1 teaspoon)
• Large lemon (1)
• Hot mango chutney (3 tablespoons)
• Dark raisins (½ cup)
• Homemade chicken stock, see recipe on page 39 (1 cup)
• Ripe bananas (2, sliced)
• Sweet shredded coconut
Gear
• 2 small frying pans
• Large frying pan
• Large saucepan
• Measuring cup
• Sieve
Here’s a recipe for an awesome curry sauce that goes with almost anything … that goes with curry sauce.
Servings: 2–3
CURRY
• Heat olive oil in a large saucepan over medium heat and sauté garlic for 2 minutes until golden.
• Add diced red onion and sauté for about 8 minutes.
• Add tomatoes, stir and simmer 10 minutes.
• Add chicken stock, diced potatoes, lentils, toasted curry powder, brown sugar, and a big pinch of cayenne pepper. Turn heat down to medium-low and simmer 30 minutes.
• Taste the curry and add sea salt, freshly cracked pepper, and/or sugar as needed.
• Rinse baby spinach and pat dry. Throw it in the sauce, stir until wilted.
• Stir in 1 to 2 tablespoons plain yogurt, if desired.
• Shkoff with buttered naan bread or rice.
Grocery List
• Extra virgin olive oil (2 tablespoons)
• garlic (2 cloves, degermed and crushed)
• Small red onion (1, diced)
• Large ripe tomatoes (4, roughly chopped)
• Homemade chicken stock, see recipe on page 39 (2 cups)
• Large potatoes (2, diced into ½-inch cubes)
• Lentils (1 can)
• Hot curry powder (1 tablespoon)
• Brown sugar (1 tablespoon)
• Cayenne pepper
• S&P
• Sugar
• Fresh baby spinach (2 cups)
• Plain yogurt (optional)
• naan or wild rice
Gear
• 1 large saucepan
Making homemade caramel can be a bit dangerous, but who doesn’t enjoy a little second-degree burn every now and then?
Servings: 2
CARAMEL
• Heat a large pan over medium-low heat. Add filtered water and castor sugar. Cook until sugar completely dissolves and begins to caramelize.
• When sugar is a deep golden color, add butter, whipping cream, and a big pinch of fleur de sel—Be careful! When adding the butter and cream, it’ll sputter and hiss. Try not to get burned. Mwahahaha! Oops, did I just cackle in writing? I’m sorry, I meant: Whisk vigorously until smooth.
• Take off heat and let caramel cool. (It will last a good week in the fridge.)
PLATING
• Slice Granny Smith apples in half, removing core. Place in one or two bowls. Add a big chunk of your favorite Brie cheese (Camembert is great, too). Drizzle with lots of creamy caramel.
Grocery List
• Filtered water (½ cup)
• Ultra-fine castor sugar2, or pulverize granulated sugar in the food processor for a few seconds (1 cup)
• Unsalted butter (¼ cup)
• Whipping cream, 35% MF (1 cup)
• Fleur de sel
• Granny Smith apples (2)
• Brie cheese
Gear
• Large stainless steel pan (you need to be able to see the color of the sugar change)
• Whisk
• Guts
_________
2I know I told you white sugar is bad, and it is … but this is caramel baby, you gotta make an exception.
Some of you may read this recipe for caramel, see that it calls for pulverized sugar, and say to yourselves: “Hmm, I think I have some confectioners’ sugar collecting dust in the back of the cupboard from that brownie experiment back in 1996. That stuff looks pulverized to me …” Stop right there, Bucko. Confectioners’ sugar has starch in ti, which will ruin your caramel. And let’s be honest here: When are you ever going to use that confectioners’ sugar? Just throw it away man, throw it away.
