CHAPTER. 11
Sex-Life Savers: A Chapter for the Boys
A German study shows that women’s sex drives take a dive in long-term relationships, but as they say, you don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind doesn’t blow.
Why do women lose interest? Well this study proposes that chicks become frigid because of the laws of supply and demand, subconsciously keeping their “resources” scarce to hold buddy’s interest. Compelling theory, but it seems like years of public farting and sports highlights as foreplay may be the real answer.
Guys, if she’d rather watch “Dancing with the B-List” than tango with you, it’s time to do something romantic. You may think oysters and bubbly are the ticket to getting some action, but an elaborate spread makes it clear that she’s dessert—and there’s nothing worse than pressure to kill a mood that’s already on life support. That’s why this chapter is devoted to recipes that are subtle and comforting. As an added bonus, they’re also super easy to make, because the last thing you need is something complicated … like replacing toilet paper rolls, or listening. Tsk-tsk.
Relax, every relationship hits a bedroom low at one time or another. Actually, let me rephrase that: Boys, stop picking your nose in front of your girlfriend and maybe you’ll get some action.
This Shepherd’s Pie will last and satisfy for days … hey, something’s got to.
Servings: 4 (plus a delicious breakfast-in-bed for two)
BEEF
• Heat olive oil in a sauté pan over medium heat. Add minced garlic and sauté for 2 minutes until golden.
• Add minced red onion and sauté 5 minutes.
• Add lean ground beef, a small pinch of sea salt, and freshly cracked pepper to taste.
• Cook, stirring for about 10 minutes.
• Turn the heat up to medium-high and crisp the meat for another 3 to 5 minutes. Add minced parsley and take it off the heat.
POTATOES
• Chop sweet potato and russet potatoes in equal-sized chunks for even cooking.
• Bring a pot of salted water to a boil. Drop the potato slices into the water and cook until fork-tender, about 15 minutes. Strain.
• Put the strained potatoes in a big bowl, add butter, milk, a big pinch of salt, and freshly cracked pepper to taste. Smash roughly, don’t puree.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
Presentation is as key to this Shepherd’s Pie as it is to your relationship. If you think back to when she couldn’t wait to get you home, chances are you weren’t strutting around in ratty briefs, scratching and sniffing to your heart’s content. So put some pants on and let’s plate this proper.
Heart-shaped ramekins are a lifesaver. They fake emotion better than a stripper at last call. Want a woman to feel special, but the game’s on? Slap some chips in a heart-shaped ramekin, and, poof! Special Chips! Want to reap the benefits of breakfast in bed but you’re too lazy to fry an egg? Slap some Cheerios in a heart-shaped ramekin and, poof! Special Cheerios! I’m telling you, the energy you save by letting the ramekin do the talking is worth its weight in gold. With all that said …
• Spoon a thick layer of crisped beef into the bottom of four heart-shaped ramekins, then add a thin layer of creamed corn, a thin layer of sweet corn niblets, and a thick layer of smashed potatoes. Sprinkle with Panko crumbs.
• Broil in the oven 10 to 15 minutes, until the top is golden brown.
Grocery List
• Extra virgin olive oil (2 tablespoons)
• Garlic (1 clove, degermed and minced)
• Large red onion (1, minced)
• Lean ground beef (1 pound)
• S&P
• Fresh parsley (handful)
• Sweet potato (1)
• Russet potatoes (2)
• Unsalted butter (1 tablespoon)
• Whole milk, 3.25% MF (3 tablespoons)
• Creamed corn (450g can)
• Sweet corn niblets (450g can)
• Panko crumbs
Gear
• Sauté pan
• Large pot
• Large mixing bowl
People say that lean beef is too dry; I completely disagree. It’s all about how you prepare it. Just like a relationship, juiciness comes with the little things: adding spice, massaging it with a little oil … letting it warm up slowly instead of thrusting it onto an overheated pan for 15 minutes and expecting a succulent cut that’s ready to go!
In the Bitchin’ Basics I mentioned how important it is to buy organic foods, especially when it comes to meat. If you haven’t been taking my advice, now’s the time to start. Since this burger is served medium-rare—and is so juicy that it’ll be dripping down your chin—you need to only use fresh organic chuck. No excuses or exceptions. If you follow this recipe using cheap ground beef, well…let’s just say that you definitely won’t be getting laid in the hospital.
Servings: 4
TRUFFLE AIOLI
• Pour olive oil into a measuring cup with a lip. Add truffle oil, mix, and set aside.
• In a food processor add garlic, a pinch of sea salt, Dijon mustard, and egg yolks.
• Blend until smooth. Keep blending and slowly pour in ½ cup of the olive-truffle oil mixture in a thin stream. Do this very slowly, otherwise it won’t emulsify/thicken.
• Still blending, add lemon juice and water. Then slowly add the rest of the oil in a thin stream. The mixture will thicken as you continue to blend it. When it’s slightly thinner than store-bought mayo, it’s done. You can add more lemon juice and S&P to taste.
MEAT
• Set the grill on high heat. Separate the meat into four pieces. Loosely shape meat into 1-inch thick patties, don’t over-handle.
• Sprinkle the patties with a small pinch of salt and freshly cracked pepper. Sear patties for 2 minutes on each side. Turn the grill down to medium heat and cook patties for another 3 minutes per side (for medium rare burgers). Take the patties off the heat and let them rest for 5 minutes.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Toast the onion buns, slather them with 1 heaping tablespoon of truffle aioli and add grilled burger patties. Top with 1 heaping tablespoon of Danish blue cheese, tons of sweet caramelized onions, and serve with a glass of dry red wine.
Grocery List
• Extra virgin olive oil (1 cup)
• Truffle oil (1 tablespoon)
• Garlic (4 cloves, degermed)
• S&P
• Dijon mustard (1 teaspoon)
• Eggs (2)
• Fresh lemon juice (1 tablespoon)
• Water (½ teaspoon)
• Fresh organic ground chuck (1 pound)
• artisanal onion buns (4)
• Danish blue cheese (⅓ cup)
• Caramelized onions, see recipe on page 25.
Gear
• Measuring cup with a lip
• Food processor
• Grill
If this doesn’t get you some action, you can always find a hobby to distract you from your crappy sex life, like golf … or reproducing.
This pasta relies on the spicy sausage oils to make a light “sauce.” That’s why it’s important to use the best Italian sausage you can get your hands on. That means go to a fine butcher to buy the sausages. Remember guys, we’re trying to get away from the cheap sausage party that only you can enjoy, not cook up another one.
Servings: 4
BROCCOLI RABE
• Rinse broccoli rabe. Cut off and discard 1 inch from end of stems. Bring a pot of salted water to a boil. Add the broccoli rabe and boil, uncovered, until tender (about 3 minutes). Strain.
• Place broccoli rabe in a large bowl filled with ice water for 2 minutes to stop the cooking process; strain and set aside.
ITALIAN SAUSAGE
• Remove sausage casing.
• Heat a large pan over medium heat and add 1 tablespoon olive oil. Add minced garlic and sauté until golden, about 2 minutes.
• Add sausage meat, separate into bits with a wooden spoon, and fry for 10 to 15 minutes, until the meat is cooked and has some crispiness to it.
• Add 3 to 4 tablespoons olive oil. Introduce the broccoli rabe, mix with the sausage, and sauté 5 more minutes. Remove from heat.
PASTA
• Bring salted water to a boil and add the penne rigate. Cook until al dente, then strain.
• Add the pasta to the sausage-broccoli rabe mix. Turn the heat up to medium and sauté 5 minutes, using tongs to fully coat the pasta with the spicy sausage oils and garlicky goodness.
PLATING
• Serve the pasta with Parmesan shavings, and lots of freshly cracked pepper.
Grocery List
• Broccoli rabe (1 pound)
• S&P
• artisanal Italian spicy sausages (4)
• Extra virgin olive oil (5 tablespoons)
• Garlic (1 clove, degermed and minced)
• Penne rigate, ridged penne (500g)
• Parmigiano Reggiano
Gear
• Large pot
• Large bowl
• Large frying pan
• Tongs
