CHAPTER. 12

Italian Christmas Eve

Jingle bells, Rachel smells, Martha laid an egg!

Just kidding! Martha doesn’t have any eggs left.

I don’t focus on many Hallmark holidays in this book, but Christmas is one of the few exceptions. For Italians, Christmas is a magical time filled with everything we hold dear: food, food, and even more food. But Italians don’t eat turkey for Christmas Eve, we eat seafood, and this feast is called “La Vigilia di Natale” (pronounced la vee-jee-lee-ya dee nat-ah-lay). It’s a tradition that celebrates the humble birth of baby Jesus—kind of like diamond-studded crosses or crusades!

In this chapter I’ll dish out a festive three-course meal, but any Italian will tell you that this is a mere appetizer on Christmas Eve. There would be at least four more courses, three desserts, two fights, and one exceptionally loud long-distance call.

Sigh … let’s make some mussels …

 

 

 

… Thanks Hans, but I said MUSSELS …

Servings: 4

MUSSELS

• Scrub the mussels under cold water to remove any cac (the beard, sand, and/or general nastiness from the murky depths of the ocean). Discard any open mussels. Set aside.

SAUCE

• Set a large pot over medium-high heat and add butter and minced shallots. Sauté for 2 minutes.

• To the pot add the dry white wine, the juice of 6 fresh lemons, a handful of minced parsley, a big pinch of sea salt, and lots of freshly cracked pepper. Bring mixture to a boil, and let it boil for 3 minutes.

• Throw mussels into the pot, cover, and keep boiling on high heat. Every few minutes grab the pot and shake it around so the mussels cook evenly. In 5 minutes the shells will open and they’re done.

Grocery List

• Mussels (2 pounds)

• Unsalted butter (½ cup)

• Shallots (½ cup, minced)

• Dry white wine (1 cup)

• Lemons (6)

• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (handful, minced)

• S&P

Gear

• 1 large stock pot with lid

 

 

Us Italians know that nothing says Baby Jesus like a plate full of extravagant seafood. But if you’re in the mood for something a little lighter and less holy, just omit all critters except for the clams to make a fantastic clam spaghetti. Or you can even omit everything but the bottle of wine. Amen.

Servings: 4

SAUCE

• Heat 3 tablespoons olive oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add a small pinch of hot chile flakes, and crushed garlic cloves. Sauté for 2 minutes until garlic is golden.

• Pour in San Marzano tomatoes. Simmer for 10 minutes.

• Add dry white wine to the sauce. Throw in baby clams. Stir and simmer for 10 more minutes.

• Throw in a handful of minced parsley, a small pinch of sea salt, a small pinch of brown sugar, and freshly cracked pepper to taste. Stir, cover, and take off the heat.

SCALLOPS

• Rinse scallops under cold water, pat dry.

• In a sauté pan, heat 1 teaspoon butter and 1 teaspoon olive oil over medium heat. Add scallops, sprinkle with a small pinch of salt and freshly cracked pepper. Sear for 1 to 2 minutes per side until golden and crispy on the outside.

SHRIMP

• Rinse, peel, and devein the shrimp. (See Panos’s tips on deveining shrimp on page 41.)

CALAMARI

• Rinse calamari under cold water, pat dry. Slice into ¼-inch rounds.

PASTA

• Boil spaghetti in salted water until al dente. Strain and set aside.

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Heat the sauce on medium, then add the shrimp and cook 2 minutes.

• Add scallops and cook another 3 minutes.

• Add calamari, which will firm up into rings almost instantly. Cook 1 minute and remove sauce from heat.

• In a big bowl combine pasta and a ladleful of sauce, mix well with tongs.

PLATING

• Make sure each plate of pasta contains a jumbo shrimp, a scallop, some calamari, and clams. Drizzle with 2 to 3 tablespoons of sauce.

Grocery List

• Extra virgin olive oil (3 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon)

• Hot chile flakes

• Garlic (2 cloves, degermed and crushed)

• Whole San Marzano tomatoes (796ml, crushed by hand)

• Dry white wine (½ cup)

• all natural baby clam meat with juice (1 cup)

• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (handful, minced)

• S&P

• Brown sugar

• Jumbo scallops (4)

• Unsalted butter (1 teaspoon)

• Jumbo tiger shrimp (4)

• Whole calamari (2)

• Spaghetti (450g)

Gear

• Large saucepan with lid

• Sauté pan

• Large pot

• Mixing bowl

• Tongs

 

 

If you’re Italian or have lots of (cheap) Italian friends, you probably get more fucking panettone during the holiday season than you could possibly eat in a year. Last Christmas was no exception, so it got me thinking: What if I organized a panettone drive for the homeless?! Then all that thinking made me hungry, so I made bread pudding.

Servings: 6

PANETTONE

• Slice the panettone into 1-inch cubes to make about 7 cups. Place the cubes in an even layer on a baking sheet to dry out for a few hours or overnight.

PUDDING MIXTURE

• In a large mixing bowl, combine milk, 4 egg yolks (save the whites), 1 to 2 tablespoons brown sugar, and the seeds of half a vanilla bean (slice one side of the bean open lengthwise and scrape out the seeds with a sharp knife)—the other half of the seeds will be used later. Whisk together.

• Dump the panettone cubes into the pudding mixture. Mix well with your hands and let soak for 5 to 10 minutes.

MERINGUE

• Position the oven rack in the center of the oven and preheat to 350°F.

• Using a food processor or electric beater, whip the 4 egg whites with a small pinch of cream of tartar until stiff peaks form (aka meringue).

• Delicately fold the meringue into the bread pudding mixture, stir just a few times—you want to see streaks of meringue.

• Butter a soufflé mold, pour in the bread pudding mixture, and bake 1 hour.

CREME ANGLAISE

• In a medium bowl, whisk together 3 egg yolks and ¼ cup brown sugar. Set aside.

• Place a small saucepan over medium heat. Add whipping cream and the seeds from the other half of the vanilla bean. Stir cream and vanilla seeds constantly. When bubbles form around the edges (about 8 minutes), remove from heat. Do not boil.

• Stir heated vanilla-cream into egg yolk mixture, 1 tablespoon at a time. (Don’t rush things; you don’t want to cook the eggs.) Repeat until all the cream is incorporated.

• Pour everything back into the saucepan and cook over medium-low heat, stirring constantly and being careful not to let it boil. Cook until the mixture is thick enough to coat the back of a wooden spoon, about 3 to 5 minutes.

• Pass it through a fine wire mesh sieve, then pour cream mixture into a serving container. (If you want to make this in advance, you can place plastic wrap directly on the surface, pop it in the fridge and it’ll keep for up to 2 days. Reheat over low heat.)

PLATING

• In individual serving bowls, add 1 cup warm bread pudding and a handful of berries. Drizzle with lots of Crème Anglaise.

Grocery List

• Large stale panettone, plain or with candied fruits and nuts (1)

• Whole milk, 3.25% MF (2 cups)

• Eggs (7)

• Brown sugar (2 tablespoons plus ¼ cup)

• Vanilla bean (1)

• Cream of tartar

• Unsalted butter

• Whipping cream, 35%MF (1 cup)

• Strawberries (1 cup)

• Blueberries (1 cup)

Gear

• Baking sheet

• Large mixing bowl

• Food processor or electric beater

• Medium mixing bowl

• 1 large casserole or soufflé mold. Must fit 8 cups.

• Small saucepan

• Fine wire mesh sieve

WORST CHRISTMAS GIFTS EVER

1. Clothing Shipped from the Obscure Aunt in Italy Who You Haven’t Seen in Two Decades

Wow … a large T-shirt and matching pantaloons emblazoned with loud knock-off Gucci symbols! Should I try it on now or beat you with it later?

2. Cheap Hippie Jewelry

Peace signs, yin and yangs, dolphins … these match perfectly with my baby calf-skin stilettos and the “trippy” shade of puke dribbling from my mouth. If it hangs on a hemp rope, save it.

3. The Last-Minute Porcelain Figurine from China

And you expect me to believe that when you came across that angel figurine “last month” it just screamed “Nadia G!”? Next time you swing by the dollar store on your way to my house, stop by the gas station instead and get me some cigarettes.

4. Re-Gifted Cheap Bubble Bath

Who doesn’t love relaxing in a tub full of expired Polyquaternium 7, Methylparaben, EDTA, DMDM, Hydantoon, F.D.&C. Yellow #5?! How luxurious!

5. CDs from the Uncle Who Thinks He’s Hip

Somehow my nine tattoos, pierced septum, and nihilistic disposition were a dead giveaway that N Sync’s Greatest Hits was missing from my music collection.

6. The Useless $20 Gift Certificate

Ah, the gift that forces me to head all the way down to a stinkin’ store I never shop at, to browse products I’d never buy, and then be forced to shell out my own cash because $20 won’t buy you shit. Wonderful.

 

MORE XMAS CAC

I have great memories of Christmas Eve … orange peels burning in the fireplace, the family singing Sinatra, my father holding back my uncle as he lunged to strangle my cousin … man, those were the days!

But things have changed. Christmas isn’t what it used to be. Even the kids are different. The other day, I was babysitting my six-year-old cousin. Being that it’s the holiday season and all (and I had run out of Ritalin), I asked her to write a letter to Santa. She wrote:

Dear Santa,

Please bring me everything I want for X-mas A cell phone, a training bra and makeup! XO Veronica

P.S. I love you very much.

It made me so sad. What’s the world coming to? Everybody knows that first you have to say “I love you” then you say “Give me what I want.” Not the other way around!