CHAPTER. 13

DEFLATE YOUR MATE

Long-term relationships are a beautiful thing—as the years go by, your comfort level flourishes, your sense of security grows … but most of the time, so does your partner’s ass. That’s why this chapter is devoted to deflating-your-mate, because you care, and let’s face it, walrus lovin’ain’t pretty.

When your partner starts packing the pounds, it’s rough. You’re stuck between a rock and a squishy place. But before you harpoon ‘em and dump ‘em off at SeaWorld, tap into your sensitive side and think about why they’re fondling the deep-fried cheese. Are they depressed? Stressed? Do they hate you? Whatever the case may be, healthy eating helps, and these low-fat recipes are the first waddle on the road to recovery.

The trick to cooking light is to use punchy flavors that’ll make up for the lack of greasy goodness. Compensation is key. But you know this already; I mean your mate may jiggle spontaneously but they compensate by being the only one you can boss around. The same logic applies to these meals: There may be very little fat, but the hearty vegetables and aromatics make them work.

Help support your *musholite lover by sneaking these recipes into your culinary repertoire. At the end of the day, it’s worth the effort—it’s easier to fix a scratch than it is to get a new car. Think about it: If you dump Sasquatch for a sleeker model, you’ll have to lure them in with massages, pretend to listen, wear thongs…it’s a long process to train a new mate, and quite frankly, why bother when you’ve already got one that vacuums?

 

 

Some of you may be part of that “no carbs” cult when it comes to dieting, but let’s face it, a life without carbs is a life not worth living. When pounds need to be shed it’s all about eating smaller portions, getting lots of exercise and going on three-day amphetamine benders. Onto the stew.

Servings: 3–4

ROASTED GARLIC

• Preheat the oven to 400°F. Grab a whole garlic bulb, remove the papery skin from the outside, but keep the skin of the cloves intact. Chop ¼-inch off the top of the bulb. Drizzle with 1 teaspoon of olive oil. Wrap tightly in foil and bake for 35 minutes.

CHICKPEA STEW

• Heat a large saucepan on medium heat, then add 1 tablespoon olive oil, scallions, red bell pepper, and a small pinch each of cumin, paprika, and hot chile flakes. Sauté for 8 minutes.

• Hand crush the San Marzano tomatoes and add them to the pan. Throw in 4 cloves of the roasted garlic (roasted garlic is much milder than fresh garlic), and big pinches of lemon zest and brown sugar. Add a small pinch of sea salt and freshly cracked pepper to taste.

• Let simmer for 15 minutes. In the last 5 minutes, rinse chickpeas and drop them in. Heat through.

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Ladle the stew into big bowls. Garnish with a big pinch of finely chopped fresh mint, a handful of fresh minced parsley and a small pinch of lemon zest. Serve with toasted whole wheat pita wedges.

Grocery List

• Garlic (1 bulb)

• Extra virgin olive oil (1 teaspoon plus 1 tablespoon)

• Scallions (3, finely sliced)

• Red bell pepper (1, julienned)

• Cumin

• Paprika

• Hot chile flakes

• Whole San Marzano tomatoes (795ml can)

• Fresh lemon (1, for zesting)

• Brown sugar

• S&P

• Chickpeas (425g can)

• Fresh mint (finely chopped)

• Fresh parsley (minced)

• Whole wheat pita bread (2 pieces)

Gear

• aluminum foil

• Saucepan

 

 

Having trouble getting your mate off the couch? Don’t worry, there’re plenty of ways to get poofypants away from the TV! Try running around covered in mayonnaise until they chase you for a lick! Or, you could throw baby cacti at them until they’re forced to attack you. Your imagination is the only limit!

Servings: 2

CHICKEN MARINADE

• In a food processor, combine yogurt, garlic, peeled ginger, 1 cup cilantro, and a small pinch of sea salt and freshly cracked pepper to taste. Blend until smooth.

• Pour the marinade into a large ziplock bag. Rinse the chicken breasts and pat dry. Add breasts to the marinade, smush them around, and place the bag in the fridge for 24 hours.

LIME-CILANTRO DRESSING

• In a jar combine the juice of 2 limes, olive oil, honey, and Dijon mustard. Add a big pinch of finely chopped fresh cilantro, a small pinch of garlic, 1 teaspoon minced jalapeno pepper flesh (add seeds if you like it hot), a small pinch of sea salt, and lots of freshly cracked pepper. Cover the jar and shake until thick.

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Heat the grill to high and sear marinated chicken for 2 minutes per side. Turn grill to medium-low and cook for an additional 5 to 6 minutes per side.

• In a bowl combine slices of ripe yellow mango and ripe avocado. Drizzle with 2 tablespoons of dressing and mix to coat.

• Add chicken breast to the fruit, and serve with a side of brown rice (optional).

Grocery List

• Low-fat plain yogurt (2 cups)

• Garlic (3 cloves plus a little extra, degermed)

• Fresh ginger (1 tablespoon, peeled)

• Fresh cilantro (1 cup plus a little extra, chopped)

• S&P

• Chicken breasts (2)

• Limes (2)

• Extra virgin olive oil (2 tablespoons)

• Honey (1 tablespoon)

• Dijon mustard (½ teaspoon)

• Jalapeno pepper (1)

• Ripe mangos (3)

• Ripe avocado (1)

• Brown rice, optional

Gear

• Food processor

• Jar

• Grill (if you don’t have a grill you can use a large frying pan)

• Mixing bowl

 

 

 

This tuna dish is fucking gourmet (not to mention, low-fat). The only downside is that the searing process creates a lot of smoke, so blast the stove vent and open a window when you’re making it. Or better yet, get your Rotund Romeo to frantically fan the frying pan while you’re cooking—that’ll help burn some extra calories for sure.

Servings: 2

TERIYAKI SAUCE

• Heat a saucepan on medium. Combine white wine, toasted sesame oil, soy sauce, honey, garlic cloves, and peeled ginger. Stir the mixture well.

• Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low. Simmer for 5 minutes, then take off the heat. Remove garlic and ginger, pour sauce into a small bowl and set aside.

WASABI SMASHED POTATOES

• Wash and peel the potatoes. Chop in equal-sized chunks and boil in salted water until fork tender (about 15 minutes). Drain.

• Roughly smash potatoes with soy milk, wasabi paste, a small pinch of sea salt, and freshly cracked pepper to taste. Don’t overmix otherwise they’ll be pasty, and pasty mashed potatoes suck.

• Place your portion in another bowl and add ½ teaspoon of unsalted butter. Don’t tell.

TUNA STEAKS

• Massage both sides of the tuna steaks with lots of fresh, coarsely ground black pepper. Brush with some of the teriyaki sauce. (Don’t use too much sauce, you’ll be needing it later to drizzle on the tuna steaks when serving.)

• Heat a sauté pan on high and add canola oil. Make sure the pan is extremely hot and beginning to smoke before adding the tuna.

• Add tuna steaks and sear for 2 minutes on one side—don’t move it. While it sears, brush the exposed side with the teriyaki sauce, then flip it over and cook 1 more minute. (This is for a medium-rare tuna steak.)

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

Slice tuna steaks in strips, place them on plates. Drizzle with 1 tablespoon teriyaki sauce, and add 1 scoop wasabi mashed potatoes on the side. Top with a handful of finely sliced scallion greens.

Grocery List

• Dry white, wine (¼ cup)

• Toasted sesame oil (1 teaspoon)

• Low-sodium tamari soy sauce (2 tablespoons)

• Honey (2 tablespoons)

• Garlic (2 cloves, peeled, halved, and degermed)

• Fresh ginger, peeled (2 1-inch knobs)

• Russet potatoes (3)

• Soy milk (1 tablespoon)

• Wasabi paste (½ teaspoon)

• S&P

• Sushi-grade tuna steaks, cut 1 inch, thick (2)

• Canola oil (1 tablespoon)

• Scallions (handful, finely chopped)

Gear

• Small saucepan

• Small bowl

• Sauté pan

 

 

WORKING OUT WITH HANS

I invented this patented workout system years ago. It targets four major muscle groups through five sets of fifteen repetitions. I call it: “FOUR MUSCLE GROUPS TARGETED BY FIVE SETS OF FIFTEEN REPETITIONS.”®™

5 SETS OF 15 CRUNCHES ®™

Smile baby, you’re doing crunches. Flex those muscles.

5 SETS OF 15 PUSHUPS ®™

When doing pushups it’s important to keep your body straight and get greased up, so you’re more aerodynamic.

5 SETS OF 15 LUNGES ®™

Always do lunges slowly, in front of a mirror, with a really intense look on your face.

5 SETS OF 15 SQUATS ®™

Spread your legs and bend your knees until your thighs are parallel to the floor. Up and down, up and down, 15 times, for 5 sets.