CHAPTER. 15
GEEK GRILLAOE
BECAUSE HOME IS WHERE THE WIFI IS
Ah, the Internet…what would we do without it? Go outside and “socialize”? Buy a CD? Actually watch TV? Pfft, that’s just crazy talk.
I love the Web. You can find anything you’re looking for…and a couple of things you never wanted to find, like Goatse CX, or mom’s real income source.
But as much as the Web is an extensive informational buffet, some people take it too far. They believe that the Web has mystical powers—like “If you don’t forward this e-mail to ten twits your dog will die,” or “If you build a Web site you’re destined to become a millionaire”—business plan or not. But it’s all good, because the more time these Asshats spend in front of their computer, the less time they spend reproducing.
For the rest of us, the Web is a world of opportunity: MySpace gives those who can’t afford a real Web site a haven to overuse crappy graphics; Facebook allows us to stalk pudgy nerds from high school; YouTube allows us to waste endless hours on your boss’s clock watching Bitchin’ Kitchen…But that’s not all. The Web is also big business; who needs a real job when you can just send Grandma a screamer and—POOF!—there’s your inheritance. Work, play, dramatic chipmunks—the Internet has it all!
But when you start sporting a greenish computer tan, it’s time to log off and eat something with vitamins. That’s why this chapter is all about getting outside, firing up the grill, and spending time with your friends—in person.
As much as you love the Web, your computer can bring yon down. Viruses, Spyware, adware … the Mac people will tell you it’s because of your PC, the PC people will tell you it’s because of malicious software. But you know what the real problem is? You! If you can’t go online without downloading the latest porn smilies and then you complain that your homepage is hijacked, maybe you should stay away from technology, buy a box of fucking crayons, and call it a day.
Now that I’ve grilled the comp-tards, let’s move onto some juicy beef skewers…
Servings: 4–6
MEAT MIXTURE
• In a large bowl, combine ground beef, minced onions, ½ cup minced mint leaves, cilantro, ginger, green chile, ground cumin, ground coriander, paprika, cayenne, sea salt, and lots of freshly cracked pepper. Mix, cover, and refrigerate for 2 hours.
MINT SAUCE
• Peel the cucumbers, halve them lengthwise, and remove the seeds. Place cucumbers on a large plate and sprinkle with sea salt. Let stand for 15 minutes.
• Drain away liquid and rinse the cucumbers quickly in cold water; pat dry.
• In a small bowl combine scallions, yogurt, ¼ cup minced mint leaves, the juice of 1 lemon, a small pinch of brown sugar, a big pinch of sea salt, and freshly cracked pepper.
• Mix and chill for 20 minutes or more.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Preheat the grill to medium heat. Mold handfuls of the meat mixture around skewers to form sausages. Make sure the meat is an even thickness all around. Brush kebabs liberally with olive oil and arrange kebabs on grill. Cook 10 minutes, turning as needed to brown evenly. Shkoff with yogurt-mint sauce.
Grocery List
• Lean ground beef or lamb (2 pounds)
• Onions (2, minced)
• Fresh mint leaves (1 cup, minced)
• Cilantro (½ cup, minced)
• Fresh ginger (1 tablespoon, minced)
• Green hot chile (1 tablespoon, minced)
• Ground cumin (1 teaspoon)
• Ground coriander (1 teaspoon)
• Paprika (1 teaspoon)
• Cayenne pepper (1 teaspoon)
• Sea salt (1 teaspoon plus a little more)
• Freshly cracked pepper
• English cucumbers (2)
• Scallions (½ cup, finely sliced)
• Mediterranean plain yogurt (2 cups)
• Lemon (1)
• Brown sugar
• Extra virgin olive oil
Gear
• Large bowl
• Small mixing bowl
• Grill
• Skewers
• Silicone basting brush
Kebabs are best enjoyed with an ice-cold pint of German Weissbeer. T his brew is sweet with a surprisingly full body, just like your last five e-dates, huh? Add a couple of orange slices for tang, and you’re on your way to forgetting about your carpal tunnels.
You’ll find grilled peppers everywhere, from grocery stores to five-star restos to fast-food chains. But it’s lies, all lies! Unless you’ve had my *Zia’s grilled peppers, you haven’t experienced real grilled peppers…until now.
Servings: 10 (keeps in the fridge for 2 weeks)
GRILLING
• Fire up the grill to high heat.
• Rinse the peppers; pat dry. Throw the whole peppers directly on the grill, charring the skin completely on all sides until they’re black on the outside and soft, about 5 to 8 minutes per side.
• Remove peppers from the grill, put them in a bowl, and let them cool down.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• One by one, remove and discard the charred skin, the seeds, and the stems. Cut the peppers into really thin slices, ¼-inch thick. Shkiaff them in a Tupperware container. Drizzle with vegetable oil.
• Add garlic, a big pinch of sea salt to taste, and freshly cracked pepper. Mix well and refrigerate overnight.
Grocery List
• Sweet peppers: a mix of red, green, yellow…(10)
• Vegetable oil (½ cup)
• Garlic (4–6 cloves, degermed and halved)
• S&P
Gear
• Grill
• Tupperware
There’s rum, there’s butter…need I say more? I guess so, because you need a recipe to make it and stuff. Fine. Here goes:
Servings: 1, 6, or 8 (What the hell do I know how much pineapple you can eat?!)
RUM-BUTTER BASTE
• Melt butter in a saucepan over medium-low heat.
• Add dark rum, brown sugar, and the seeds of 1 vanilla bean (slice the bean open lengthwise and scrape out the seeds with your knife). Stir together and simmer 2 minutes.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Slice the pineapple into 1-inch disks. Baste with plenty of rum-butter sauce. Grill on high heat for 2 to 3 minutes per side. You can shkoff this with Crème Anglaise (recipe on page 107) or some vanilla ice cream.
Grocery List
• Unsalted butter (½ cup)
• Dark rum (½ cup)
• Brown sugar (¼ cup)
• Vanilla bean (1)
• Ripe pineapple (1)
Gear
• Medium-sized saucepan
• Grill
• Silicone basting brush
