CHAPTER. 16
BROKE-ASS DISHES
Everyone makes some bad financial choices at one time or another. So maybe your Garbage Pail Kids collection wasn’t the smartest retirement plan, or maybe Mom was right when she said: “Ma, you idiot! Writing is a hobby!” But as much as being broke sucks, it’s an important stage in life. It allows you to appreciate the little things, like the warm smile of a stranger … as he stuffs singles into your G-string. It sets you free from consumerism…and showering. And look at it this way, you may owe 10 Gs in credit, but you finally have enough points to get that spatula you always dreamed of.
But just because you’re broke doesn’t mean you can’t eat like a queen. With a little bit of effort, you can make something out of nothing (kind of like that “record deal” you’ve been yapping about for eight years now. Sure, sure, the label will be signing you any day now…and no, you can’t borrow twenty bucks). See, some of the tastiest dishes in the world were created by broke-ass peasants, and Italian cuisine is the perfect example. Pizza, pasta, polenta—all of these come from a time when the ninth kid was the side dish.
That’s why this chapter is devoted to recipes that taste great, cost little, and give you that extra energy you need to pretend to look for work on Craigslist;).
Remember: Broke people matter. If it weren’t for the penniless, we wouldn’t have punk rock, reality TV, or anyone to test new meds on! Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to get to the top … and that extra arm growing out of your ass will help you with the climb.
Whenever you’re feeling as low as your savings account, know that rich people have the same problems you do. It’s just that they have the money to solve them.
Servings: 4
PASTA
• Boil linguine in salted water al dente.
SAUCE
• Heat a large pan over medium heat and add olive oil, garlic, a small pinch of hot chile flakes, salt, and freshly cracked black pepper. Sauté garlic for 2 minutes until golden. Take off the heat.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Once the pasta is cooked al dente, strain it, drop it in the garlicky olive oil, turn the heat to medium, and mix it up for a few minutes with a handful of finely minced fresh parsley.
• Sprinkle pasta with lots of affordable Romano cheese (or opt for pricier Parmesan if you’re wealthy and just going through that “broke” phase).
Grocery List
• Linguine (450g package)
• Extra virgin olive oil (6 tablespoons)
• Garlic (2 cloves, degermed and minced)
• Hot chile flakes
• S&P
• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (handful, finely minced)
• Romano or Parmigiano Reggiano cheese (½ cup)
Gear
• 1 large pot
• 1 large frying pan
When I was growing up this dish was a weekly winter tradition. Kinda like my dad yelling Italian obscenities at the TV screen during the hockey game because those *disgraziate Canadians scored again.
Servings: 6
• Heat a soup pot over medium heat. Add olive oil, hot chile flakes, the onions (cut in half, then sliced into ½-inch rounds), the green peppers (sliced into ½-inch strips), and a small pinch of salt, and stir. Sauté for 10 minutes.
• Pour tomatoes into a large mixing bowl, crush by hand. Pour the crushed tomatoes into the soup pot, then add a big pinch of sea salt, 2 big pinches of brown sugar, and freshly cracked pepper. Let sauce simmer over medium-low heat 20 minutes.
• Quarter potatoes and slice Zucchinis into 1-inch disks.
• In another pot, boil quartered potatoes in salted water until fork-tender (about 15 minutes). Drain.
• To the sauce add cooked potatoes and zucchini disks. Cook about 10 to 15 more minutes, until zucchini seeds start to become visible.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Ladle the stew into big bowls and shkoff with lots of sourdough bread.
Grocery List
• Extra virgin olive oil (3 tablespoons)
• Hot chile flakes (½ teaspoon)
• Yellow onions (3)
• Sweet green peppers (3)
• S&P
• Whole San Marzano tomatoes (2 cans, 796ml each)
• Brown sugar
• Russet potatoes (3)
• Zucchinis (4)
• Sourdough loaf
Gear
• 2 medium-sized soup pots
• Large mixing bowl
Pasta e Faggiole, also known as Past’e Fazul is a staple peasant dish. Every Italian family will have their own way of making it. My mom’s side likes this dish more tomato-based, my dad’s side likes it more chicken-stock based. To prevent a war, I opted for somewhere in between.
Servings: 4–6
SOUP
• Puree ⅓ cup of cannellini beans, set aside.
• Fry bacon in a large pot over medium heat until crispy. Remove bacon from pot, set aside, reserve grease.
• To the bacon grease add minced garlic and sauté 2 minutes until golden. Add diced onion, celery, and carrots. Sauté 10 more minutes.
• Throw in homemade chicken stock, sweet cherry tomatoes, the pureed cannellini beans, the rest of the whole beans, a big pinch of Greek oregano, the torn basil leaves, and a big pinch of rosemary. Stir well and simmer 20 minutes on medium-low heat.
• Add sea salt and freshly cracked pepper to taste.
PASTA
• In a big pot cook tubettini pasta in salted water until al dente. Drain.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Add a ladleful of tubettini pasta to individual serving bowls, pour on the bean soup, and sprinkle with a big pinch of finely minced fresh parsley and some crumbled bacon. Mix it up and top it off with lots of coarsely grated Pecorino Pepato cheese.
Grocery List
• Cannellini beans (2 cups)
• Canadian bacon (6 strips)
• Garlic (1 clove, degermed and minced)
• Yellow onions (2, diced)
• Celery (2 ribs, diced)
• Carrots (2, diced)
• Homemade chicken stock, see recipe on page 39 (6 cups)
• Cherry tomatoes (10, sliced in half)
• Dried Greek oregano
• Fresh basil (6 leaves, torn)
• Dried rosemary
• S&P
• Tubettini pasta, little pasta tubes (500g package)
• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (1 bunch)
• Pecorino Pepato cheese (or whatever you can afford or steal)
Gear
• Food processor
• 2 large pots
No matter how broke you are, NEV ER use powdered cheese! Here’s a hint: If it doesn’t need to be refrigerated, it isn’t cheese.
