CHAPTER. 17

This chapter is dedicated to the American dream. And nope, it’s not Prozac-coated corn dogs. I’m talking about getting rich and famous! Now granted, not everyone wants an unlimited bank account, a penthouse, and a hot pink, vintage mustang with “B1TCH1N” vanity plates, but for those of us who do, this chapter is all about getting there.

People always ask me, “Nadia, how do you get into the entertainment industry?” Well, it’s easy! All you need to do is follow these three simple steps:

invest a mere 200 gran D in your Dreams!

(Bitchin’ Kitchen not responsible for emotional damage incurred to get funds. Interest not included.)

Develop thicker skin than Zia’s feet!

(Thickening skin may not prevent excessive bleeding due to cutting rejections.)

spen D fifteen hours a Day for six to ten years playing the game!

(Following the three-step program may just result in B-list status and an addiction to antidepressants.)

Now that we’ve exposed how to get famous, let’s talk about why we want to get famous. Affirmation, financial security…these are all good reasons. But you know what the real reason is? Revenge! Of course it is! To all those people you went to high school with who thought you’d never amount to anything? Tsaketa! Kiss my cookbook, you nerds! To all those producers who dumped your show because you weren’t “professional” enough just because you smashed a couple of glasses and got kicked out of the bar! Tsaketa! Drink to that, you stinkpods! To all those in court claiming “emotional distress”…

A-hem. So now that we’ve got our bases covered you’ll need some fuel to sustain you through this process. And what better to do the job with than therapy…or food.

On the long, hard road to getting famous, remember one thing: Never give up! Look at me. I may have sacrificed my family life, relationships, my sanity, but I have a cooking show on the Internet, man! It’s so worth it.

 

 

Now I know some of you may be thinking: “ma, if I’m trying to get famous, why do I need to eat a freakin’ frittata?” Well for starters, a solid diet of nicotine and self-loathing needs to be topped off with some protein every once in a while. Second, it’s a cheap filler, kind of like your agent’s opinion of you. And last, these eggs are a glimpse into your starry future: guaranteed laid and cracked.

Servings: 2

POTATOES

• Peel and dice a Yukon Gold potato into ¼-inch cubes. Bring a pot of salted water to a boil. Add the potatoes and cook until fork-tender (about 8 to 10 minutes); strain and set aside.

FRITTATA MIXTURE

• In a mixing bowl combine eggs, a splash of milk, chives, a small pinch of hot chile flakes, a small pinch of sea salt, and freshly cracked pepper. Beat well, then add the cooked potatoes and mix some more.

• Heat olive oil in a nonstick pan over medium heat and add the frittata mixture.

• Turn the heat down to medium-low, cook 10 minutes, flip over the frittata, and cook another 3 to 5 more minutes.

PLATING

• Slice the frittata into wedges and pile it up high—because that’s the clichéd key to professional presentation. Then shkoff with jaded resentment…or ketchup.

Grocery List

• Yukon, Gold potato (1)

• Eggs (6)

• Whole Milk, 3.25% MF

• Chives (handful, finely chopped)

• Hot chile flakes

• S&P

• Extra virgin olive oil (1 tablespoon)

Gear

• Medium-sized pot

• Medium-sized mixing bowl

• Medium-sized nonstick frying pan

 

Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want. The same applies to eating. Seeing that stars have eccentric culinary tastes, this Watermelon Feta Salad will have you fitting right in when the director yells for his “Caramelized-bean-sprout-lassie-with-non-fat-camel’s-milk-I-SAI D-CAMEL’s-MILK -YOU -USELESS -MINION !!!”

Servings: 4

• Remove the rind and slice the watermelon into bite-size wedges.

• Stack 10 mint leaves on top of each other, roll into a cigar shape from tip to stem, and then use a sharp knife to slice them into rounds, creating a “chiffonade” (thin long strips).

• Slice a red onion into superthin, almost transparent slivers and separate into rings.

• Crumble the feta.

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Place a cup of watermelon on a plate. Add the rings from one onion slice, sprinkle lots of mint chiffonade, and 1 to 2 tablespoons of crumbled feta. Then drizzle on a tablespoon of olive oil and a big squirt of fresh lemon over the top.

Grocery List

• Ripe watermelon (1)

• Fresh mint (1 bunch)

• Red onion (1)

• Quality feta cheese (1 cup)

• Extra virgin olive oil (¼ cup)

• Fresh lemons (2)

Gear

• Sharp knife

 

 

There’s nothing better than a plate of hearty pasta after a long day of working toward your dreams (or sitting around all day thinking about working toward your dreams.) I know what you’re telling yourself, “Ma, this Italian chick thinks pasta is the cure for everything!” Hehehe…it is.

Servings: 2 Italian servings, 3 regular

PASTA

• Bring a pot of salted water to a boil. Add half a package of pappardelle and boil until almost al dente, about 8 minutes. (It’ll finish cooking in the sauce.) Strain and set aside.

SAUCE

• In a large pan, heat olive oil on medium heat. Add minced garlic and fry until golden, about 2 minutes.

• Add in ¼ of the sliced red Thai chile (this will be pretty hot, use with caution) and the asparagus cut into 1½-inch sections with the hard bottoms removed (1 bunch is about 2 cups sliced). Sauté for 3 minutes.

• Add the mushrooms. Sauté 10 minutes

• Add cherry tomatoes. Sauté 5 minutes.

• Add a big pinch of salt, big pinch of brown sugar, and freshly cracked pepper. Sauté 5 more minutes and then take it off the heat.

• Throw the cooked pasta into the sauce, turn the heat on high. Mix well with tongs until the pasta absorbs some of the tomato sauce (about 5 minutes).

SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER

• Slap a bunch of pasta on a plate, make sure there’s tons of asparagus and mushroom chunks, then add sliced prosciutto or smoked duck prosciutto and lots of coarsely grated Pecorino Romano cheese.

Grocery List

• Pappardelle pasta (250g)

• Extra virgin olive oil (4 tablespoons)

• Garlic (1 clove, degermed and minced)

• Red Thai chile (1, thinly sliced)

• asparagus (1 bunch)

• Brown or wild mushrooms (1½ cups, thickly sliced)

• Cherry tomatoes (10, chopped into thick rounds)

• S&P

• Brown sugar

• Prosciutto or smoked duck prosciutto

• Pecorino Romano cheese

Gear

• Large pot

• Large frying pan

• Tongs

I once found a piece of coral shaped like a penis. It was awkward.