CHAPTER. 18
It’s not easy to find the perfect mate. Most of the time good looks and a great personality just don’t come as a package deal. That’s why it’s important to focus on the real things: the inside… of their wallet.
So you’ve met Mr. or Mrs. Right(wing), and what they lack in the physical department, they make up for in Google stock. They’re smart, dumpy, and totally loaded. That’s right, totally loaded, and at least you’ll have that in common when you consummate this thing. But focus: You want that joint bank account, so what better way to win them over than with a candlelit dinner for two. Home-cooked meals show you care (about your retirement) and this Gold Digger’s feast is just perfect for the occasion—it’s fancy, wicked, and above all, an aphrodisiac that’ll help you put your mouth where your money is.
Wait. I think I just puked a little.…Okay. Now let’s pay the bills.
DISCLAIMER: Gold-digging is not for the faint of heart and may have minor side effects such as: nausea, bitterness, excessive drinking, and/or drug intake due to a crushing, soul-sucking depression. If you notice any of these symptoms, notify your plastic surgeon immediately. Gold-digging is recommended only for the very lazy, or those who suffer acutely from a lack of any other profitable talent.
These recipes may be on the pricey side, but it’s a drop in the bucket once you take half. Remember: It’s not who you marry that matters … it’s who you divorce.
Did you know that each Raspberry Point oyster takes seven years to grow to shucking size? Me neither. I just looked it up on Wikipedia.
Servings: 2
MIGNONETTE
• In a bowl, combine red wine vinegar, shallots, and big pinches of parsley and brown sugar. Add sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste.
• Mix well, cover, and refrigerate 1 hour.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Cover the bottom of a large dish with an inch of rock salt. Open oysters and rest them on the salt. Serve with mignonette, a side of freshly grated horseradish, and lemon wedges.
Grocery List
• Red wine vinegar, minimum four years old (¼ cup)
• Shallots (1 tablespoon, minced)
• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (finely chopped)
• Brown sugar
• S&P
• Rock salt
• Raspberry Point oysters (12)
• Horseradish (freshly grated)
• Lemons (2)
Gear
• Pretty glass bowl (for the Mignonette)
• Large decorative dish (for 12 oysters)
This recipe is killer: a juicy chunk of prime beef, topped with crispy french-fried onions and a side of glistening roasted tomatoes. All meals should be like this one! I mean it, the faster you clog up those arteries, the faster you get that inheritance.
Servings: 2
ROASTED TOMATOES
• Preheat oven to 425°F.
• In a baking dish combine the sweet cherry tomatoes, garlic, olive oil, and fleur de sel and freshly cracked pepper to taste.
• Mix well, then place tomatoes in a single layer in baking dish and roast for 40 minutes.
PORTERHOUSE STEAK
• Always bring steaks to room temperature before cooking. Pat them dry with paper towels, then massage them with fleur de sel and freshly cracked pepper.
• Sear steaks on high heat for 3 minutes per side. Then lower the heat to medium and grill for another 8 minutes per side (medium-rare).
• Place steaks on a dish, cover with foil, and let them rest for 10 minutes.
FRENCH-FRIED ONIONS
• Cut onion in half. Slice into super-thin ⅛-inch pieces. Separate rings.
• Throw onion into a bowl filled with milk. Let it soak for 5 minutes, then strain.
• Dump flour on a large plate, run the onions through it with a fork. Remove clumps.
• Heat 1-inch canola oil in a frying pan on medium. Fry in small batches for 5 minutes until onion slivers are crisp and golden brown. Drain on paper towels.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Place the grilled steak on one side of the plate, and top with a handful of french-fried onions. Add roasted tomatoes to the other side and drizzle them with a teaspoon of aged balsamic. (You can also mix the roasted tomatoes with a big pinch of brown sugar and balsamic before you plate them to make them sweeter and more ketchup-like.) Serve with a glass of dry red wine and a small bowl of steak spice on the side.
Grocery List
• Cherry tomatoes (20, halved)
• Garlic (2 cloves, halved and degermed)
• Extra virgin olive oil (3 tablespoons)
• Fleur de sel
• Fresh cracked pepper
• aged Porterhouse steaks, 1¼-inch thick (2)
• White onion, large (1)
• Whole milk, 3.25% MF (1 cup)
• Flour (½ cup)
• Canola oil
• aged balsamic vinegar
• Steak spice (optional)
Gear
• Shallow baking dish
• Grill
• aluminum foil
• Mixing bowl
• Large plate
• Saucepan
• Frying pan
My grandmother used to say: “Nadia, marriage is a miserable state, so you may as well be miserable and rich.”
Servings: 3
CHOCOLATE
• Melt chopped, dark chocolate in a double boiler over medium-low heat. (If you don’t have a double boiler: Add 1 inch of water to the bottom of a saucepan. Bring to a simmer on medium-low heat. Place a thick plastic bowl over the top, and dump the chocolate in the bowl.)
• Once all the chocolate has melted, set aside and cool for 10 minutes.
EGG YOLK MIXTURE
• In a small bowl add 3 egg yolks at room temperature (reserve the whites), brown sugar, and a big pinch of cayenne pepper. Whisk thoroughly.
MERINGUE
• Pour 6 egg whites into a big mixing bowl. Add a small pinch of cream of tartar (if you don’t have cream of tartar, you can use a few drops of white vinegar). Whip with a mixer until stiff peaks form.
• You’ve now made meringue, set aside.
PUTTING IT TOGETHER
• Preheat the oven to 375°F.
• Transfer the yolk mixture to a large mixing bowl. Add 1 tablespoon of the melted chocolate and stir. Repeat this process for the rest of the chocolate. (If you dump in all the melted chocolate at once, you’ll end up with scrambled eggs.)
• Slowly fold in the meringue, being careful not to overmix. Fold about ten times (the texture of the mixture should look a little scary and spotted with meringue bits, this is what makes the soufflé light).
• Butter three ramekins, dust with sugar, and tap off the excess. Pour the chocolate mix into the ramekins, leaving a ¼-inch at the top of each ramekin.
• Bake for 16 minutes, not a minute more.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Sprinkle the soufflés with fleur de sel and serve immediately. Soufflés fall fast.
Grocery List
• Quality dark chocolate, 65% cacao (1 cup)
• Eggs (6)
• Brown sugar (3 tablespoons)
• Cayenne pepper
• Cream of tartar
• Unsalted butter
• Granulated sugar
• Fleur de sel
Gear
• Double boiler or saucepan
• Set of mixing bowls
• Whisk
• Mixer
• Ramekins (3)
There’s no shame in being a Gold Digger. Darwinistically speaking, it’s imperative that smart, rich people mate with lazy, hot people for the sake of evolution. Take this soufflé for example: Eggs aren’t hot, they’re slimy, kinda stinky, but rich in vitamins and protein. On the other hand, we have chocolate … sweet, smooth, decadent, but with barely any nutritional value whatsoever. Put the two together in the oven of time, however, and TSAKETA! Perfection.
