CHAPTER. 19
Some people drink because they’re bored. Some drink because they’re depressed. Me? I drink because I hate people. Whatever the reason, we all get a little too festive sometimes—happy hours last all night, birthday parties make you wish you were never born, you enjoy a white Christmas and you live in LA. I feel you. One drink turns into ten, and before you know it, you’re waking up with a hog-tied stranger and even your mascara is running away from you. Let the hangover begin.
My personal research has shown that the brutality of a hangover has little to do with how much you drank and everything to do with how old you are. So don’t blame yourself, blame nature!
This chapter is devoted to recipes that’ll soak up that liquor and have you feeling somewhat human again. Maybe they’ll even inspire you to change your debaucherous ways. Then again, as I like to tell beggars: “Change comes from within.” But at least you tried, and ate some fried food! Let’s get cooking.
There’s nothing better than fries, gravy, and cheese when you’re hungover. The potatoes give you a carb kick (to replace the endorphins you lost along with your cell phone); the gravy gives you protein energy; and the cheese, well man, that’s just plain fatty goodness.
Servings: 2
GRAVY
• Heat a saucepan over medium heat. Add 1 tablespoon unsalted butter and shallots, finely chopped. Sauté 8 minutes.
• Add wine, a pinch of dried thyme, a small pinch of brown sugar, and freshly cracked pepper. Stir and simmer (reduce) wine for 2 minutes.
• Add 2 cups beef stock, heat 10 minutes.
• In a small mixing bowl combine the rest of the beef stock and flour. Whisk until smooth. Then pass mixture through a fine wire-mesh sieve to remove any clumps.
• Whisk beef stock/flour mixture into saucepan and simmer for 20 minutes. Stir often.
• Remove from heat and add ½ tablespoon unsalted butter, a handful of minced parsley, and a small pinch of sea salt to taste. Stir until well mixed. Cover and set aside.
FRIES
• Peel, rinse, and cut potatoes into ¼-inch thick french fries.
• Heat 1 inch of canola oil in a large frying pan on medium-high heat.
• Lightly toss potatoes in flour. Make sure there are no clumps.
• Deep-fry potatoes in batches until crisp and golden brown, about 15 to 20 minutes. Place on paper towels to soak up oil.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Slap a bunch of fries on a plate, add lots of cheese curds, and pour on some hot gravy.
• Eat while zoning out to Family Guy reruns.
Grocery List
• Unsalted butter (1½ tablespoons)
• Shallots (2 large)
• Dry red wine (¼ cup)
• Dried thyme
• Brown sugar
• S&P
• Organic beef stock (2¼ cups)
• all-purpose flour (1 tablespoon)
• Fresh flat-leaf parsley (handful, minced)
• Large sweet potatoes (3)
• Canola oil
• Cheese curds (1 cup)
Gear
• Large mixing bowl
• Saucepan
• Small mixing bowl
• Wire-mesh sieve
• Large frying pan
• Slotted spoon
If you are brutally hungover, get someone to make this recipe for you. (Like the twit with the harelip in your bed—the one you thought looked like Joaquin Phoenix—yeah him, at least he’ll be of some use.)
CRISPY MEDALLIONE WITH FRESH ITALIAN SALSA
This pasta will settle your belly and the fresh salsa is packed with vitamin C! Plus the recipe for this salsa is already on page 73, so I can sit back and have a beer.
Servings: 4
MEDALLIONE
• Bring a big pot of salted water to a boil.
• Add medallione (or ravioli) and boil until they start to float; strain and set aside.
• Dip medallione in buttermilk and then coat in breadcrumbs.
• Heat ½-inch olive oil in a large frying pan on medium heat. Fry medallione in olive oil until they’re crisp and golden brown on both sides, about 2 minutes per side. Place on paper towels to absorb excess oil, then shkoff with fresh Italian salsa.
Grocery List
• Ricotta-mushroom medallione, or any large ravioli you like (10 pieces)
• Buttermilk
• Italian-seasoned bread crumbs
• Extra virgin olive oil
• Fresh Italian salsa, see recipe on page 73
Gear
• Large pot
• Large frying pan
Don’t buy medallione or ravioli from chain grocery stores. Always get your stuffed specialty pasta at a bona fide Italian pasta shop. Pasta is best when made by angry old ladies, not machines.
If you’re at the point where you can’t ingest solids, the next two recipes are for you. They’ll pump vitamins back into your system without needing to chew, and they probably taste as good coming up as they do going down. My thoughts are with you.
Servings: 4
BEETS
• Peel beets and chop them into equally sized pieces. Boil in 3 cups salted water for 30 minutes. Strain beets and reserve cooking liquid.
BORSCHT
• Heat olive oil in a large pot on medium. Add minced garlic and sauté until golden, about 2 minutes.
• Add minced onion. Sauté until onions are soft, about 8 minutes.
• Add 2 cups of the beet cooking liquid, along with chicken stock, brown sugar, cider vinegar, halved celery rib and carrot, and sea salt and freshly cracked pepper to taste.
• Turn the heat down to medium-low. Simmer, covered, for 30 minutes to 1 hour.
• Discard carrot and celery. Add a handful of chopped fresh dill.
• Throw in some cooked beets and top with a dollop of sour cream (if you can handle it).
Grocery List
• Fresh beets (6)
• Extra virgin olive oil (2 tablespoons)
• Garlic (1 clove, degermed and minced)
• Large red onion (1, minced)
• Homemade chicken stock, see recipe on page 39 (3 cups)
• Brown sugar (3 big pinches)
• Cider vinegar (2 tablespoons)
• Celery (1 rib, halved)
• Carrot (1, halved)
• S&P
• Fresh dill (handful, chopped)
• Sour cream (optional)
Gear
• Large pot with a lid
This celery smoothie is surprisingly delicious, trust me. The celery adds a subtle herby undertone that complements the natural sweetness of the fruit. Don’t be afraid: Remember, celery is more scared of you than you are of it.
Servings: 4
PREP
• Juice lemons, discard seeds.
• Peel and roughly chop ripe pineapple.
• Separate celery ribs, discard leaves.
• Peel bananas.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Throw all ingredients in a juicer, add honey to taste and ice.
Grocery List
• Lemons (2)
• Fresh pineapple (1, cut into chunks)
• Celery (1 bunch)
• Bananas (3)
• Honey
Gear
• Juicer
