CHAPTER. 20
UNDERDOG VEGETABLES
All my life I’ve been a fan of the underdog. From punk rock to parsnips, underground is where it’s at. That’s why this chapter is devoted to the reject foods, the vegetables that people think they hate because all they’ve ever had was the boiled, watered-down version. Kind of like Nickelback or brussels sprouts—Ugh! Just mentioning them grosses me out. That’s why we’ll move onto the brussels sprouts.
I’m going to teach you how to make these vegetables taste good, and I don’t mean in-law polite: “Oh-it’s-very-good-Mrs. Sharpino” kinda good, I mean so amazing that you’ll want to wolf these down with a vengeance, highlight-them-at your-next-dinner-party, abandon-the-potato kind of good!
See, when you’re dealing with *shkeefoso vegetables, there’re only two ways to go about it: oven roasted or deep-fried. That’s right, you heard me. I’m not going to pussyfoot around the issue and pretend that you can steam a stinkin’ cauliflower and have an orgasmic culinary experience. I’m talking about dousing the *stinkpod in tons of olive oil, garlic, beer batter…whatever it takes!
So get your frying pan ready and repeat after me: “I love fried vegetables and I’m not afraid to admit it!” LOUDER! You don’t need to be ashamed anymore! Gone are the days of hiding in the bushes, waiting for joggers to pass by so you can jump out and scare the shit out of them! It’s your time to shine…with grease. Let’s get cooking.
Underdog Vegetables are just like punk-rock boyfriends.
They always perform better when they’re a little fried.
The parsnip is the shunned albino cousin of the carrot. It has more vitamins than the carrot and more flavor than the carrot, but nobody seems to care. I care! Because I know that underneath its pale, bedraggled exterior lies a sweetness just dying to come out. That’s why we’re going to pan-fry these babies until they caramelize and become the crisp, sweet side dish they were always meant to be.
Servings: 2
DIP
• In a small bowl, combine sour cream, scallions, dill, the juice of half a lemon, a small pinch of brown sugar, and a small pinch of sea salt and freshly cracked pepper
• Mix well, cover dip, and refrigerate.
PARSNIP CHIPS
• Heat ¼-inch of olive oil in a frying pan over medium heat. Slice parsnips into ⅛-inch disks and arrange in a single layer in the oil. Fry 8 minutes, then flip them over and fry another 5 minutes, until golden and crispy.
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Lightly sprinkle parsnip chips with a small pinch of sea salt, plunge a chip into the dip, and get ready to get compulsive.
Grocery List
• Sour cream (1 cup)
• Scallions (4, cut in finely sliced rounds)
• Fresh dill (¼ cup, finely chopped)
• Fresh lemon (1)
• Brown sugar
• S&P
• Extra virgin olive oil
• Parsnips (6)
Gear
• Small mixing bowl
• Large frying pan
When it comes to brussels sprouts, there’s only one way to eat these suckers: oven roasted with coarse salt and garlic. The outer leaves crisp up and caramelize, the insides stay nice and tender, they’re garlicky and salty.…Man, you’ve never had a brussels sprout like this— unless you’ve had a brussels sprout like this.
Servings: 4
SHKIAFFING IT TOGETHER
• Preheat oven to 425°F.
• Rinse the brussels sprouts, shave the stems, and remove the outer leaves. Then cut the brussels sprouts in halves.
• Drop sliced brussels sprouts into a large, shallow baking dish. Drizzle with olive oil and add a big pinch of kosher salt and freshly cracked pepper. Mix with your hands to coat and arrange in a single layer in the pan.
• Pop brussels sprouts in the oven for 25 minutes.
• Remove from the oven, add minced garlic, and stir.
• Return brussels sprouts to the oven for another 10 to 15 minutes (until fork-tender).
Grocery List
• Brussels sprouts (4 cups)
• Extra virgin olive oil (3 tablespoons)
• Coarse kosher salt
• Freshly cracked pepper
• Garlic (3 cloves, degermed and minced)
Gear
• Large, shallow baking dish
Nadventure
I’ve always wanted to produce a real infomercial for some carpet-cleaning product. Then, when that inevitable “this-product-is-perfect-for-cleaningup-those-little-accidents” line comes up, I’d have the editor cut to some kids. I often dream of presenting this infomercial to the Carpet Cleaner CEO and his team. I’d watch the looks on their faces, and then I’d laugh. Man, would I ever laugh.
Minghia! This batter is too fucking amazing. It brings cauliflower to a whole other level. Warning: You won’t be able to stop eating these. I fried a whole head for this photo shoot, then hid in a corner and ate it all. I still feel dirty. Don’t look at me.
Servings: 4 (or 1, depends on how much of an animal you are)
BATTER
• In a large bowl, combine flour, onion powder, garlic powder, a small pinch of salt, and lots of freshly cracked pepper. Whisk to mix well.
CAULIFLOWER
• Heat ¼-inch of olive oil in a frying pan on medium. Rinse cauliflower, pat dry, and cut into ¼-inch, flat, bite-size pieces.
• Pour bottle of beer into another bowl. Dip cauliflower pieces into beer, then lightly coat them with flour batter, removing any clumps.
• Fry the cauliflower in olive oil until golden (about 3 minutes per side). Then place onto paper towels to absorb excess oil.
Grocery List
• all-purpose flour (1 cup)
• Onion powder (1 tablespoon)
• Garlic powder (1 teaspoon)
• S&P
• Extra virgin olive oil
• Cauliflower (1 head)
• Dark stout beer (1 bottle)
Gear
• 2 large mixing bowls
• Whisk
• Large frying pan
